Waiting for the second "Gotcha" 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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It's Sunday, March 7, 2010

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."
Little Johnny was in trouble again. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated she went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT, ma'am," hissed Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
Easy arrest
A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to send his wife in so that he can talk to her. The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore." The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me." The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want." The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me." The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, smack my wife on the butt and say 'hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?' " The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sound asleep every time."
A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's. The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course. After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened. He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha."
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
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wife won twice last week 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, March 6, 2010

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Just think, if it weren't for women to tell them different, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom. "But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!"

A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex. To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year." The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!"
Two hillbillies drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX." So the hillbilly filled up and asked to play the contest and said " I Guess 7" "Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one hillbilly asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2" said the hillbilly. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. Come back soon and try again. As the two hillbillies were walking back to the car, one hillbilly said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other hillbilly, "My wife won twice last week."
Wife...lets go out and have fun tonight. Husband.....Okay! If you get home before I do, please leave the hall light on.
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
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I ain't been home yet! 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, March 5, 2010

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One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
From Ross After my divorce, I turned to computer dating services, which provided me with names and phone numbers of women whose profiles seemed a good match for me. Nervously, I picked up the phone and called the first woman on my list. To my great relief, she was quite pleasant, and I actually mustered up the courage to ask her out. "I'm sorry," she replied firmly. "I just can't do that." I was stunned. "Do you mind my asking why not?" I asked. "Because," she said, "I'm your wife's divorce attorney, and you'd probably kill me."

A story of a woman who just turned 47 years old: When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick.
The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."
A father and his son go into the grocery store and see the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that three-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the six-pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

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I was coming down to kill you 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, March 4, 2010

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There once was a conservative college in the east coast that had a standing rule, the heat was to be turned off in the dormitories when the school went on summer daylight savings time. Unfortunately, this year, winter decided to stick around a bit longer. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!" The thermostat was turned up rather hastily.
The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!"

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She has a gossipy sister on an extended visit in her apartment, so we can't go to there. I have too many noisy grandkids running around my place and so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $160.00. The Hilton charges $148.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of being happily married, the man had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life, he would have to stop having sex with his wife. The man and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work: One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch. I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I go back to Italy.
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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We are riding on a girl's bike 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, March 3, 2010

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A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight, there's no moon. After dark, go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning, they'll all be red, you'll see." Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day, her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer."
A Yuppette from Columbia Maryland was driving her classic Jag cross-country last summer. The trip was a hot and dusty one in this one section of the country and she spotted a small pond in a little glade not far off the road. She decided to stop for a swim. She slipped out of her clothes and plunged into the cool water. After about 10 minutes or so, she became aware of someone watching her from behind the bushes. Her clothes were at the other end of the pond, but there was an old washtub in the sand near her. She picked it up, held it in front of her and marched over to the bushes, where she spotted not one but three farm-boy types staring. She was furious, and snapped as forceful as she could, "Don't you idiots have anything at all better to do? Do you know what I think...???" "Yes ma'am," drawled the tallest of the three, "You think that there old washing tub has a bottom in it."

I am woman, hear me roar [ ...if you don't open my door.] I can do anything that a man can do [ ...but I don't want to!} Oh The female sex has a lot more class [ ...except when we're looking at a male stripper's ass!] I am a 21st century woman [ ...but I can't set my VCR.] Well I'm not your hooker [ ...but you're still going to have to pay me.] cause sex is a very special thing [ ...and a darn good weapon.] because my body belongs to me [ ...until I get dinner and a movie.] And I don't sleep around [ ...until I do a credit check.] I have a mind of my own [ ...which I change every 2 seconds.] 'And I'm not too proud to ask for directions [ ...cause I can't read a map.] And I stand behind my man [ ...so I can nag him as much as I can!] and I can fight in combat [ ...but I can't kill a spider.] Now I never tell a lie [ ...but I will fake an orgasm.] I am the real McCoy [ ...except for my boobs and my face.} I still get all hot and sweaty for [ ...the opening of a new shoe store.] And I am very proud of my age [ ...which is none of your %@&%# business!]
Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that we are riding on a girls bike?"
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, a dynamic young preacher raised himself to his full height, leaned over the pulpit, and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- -----------------------------------------
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News
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