Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, March 31, 2010

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Ophelia


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In a big city at a crowded bus stop a beautiful young woman
was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight
leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and
jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on
the bus she became aware that her skirt was too tight to
allow her leg to come up to the height of the bus' first step.

So slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the
bus driver, she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise
her leg.

Again she tried to make the step onto the bus to discover
she still could not make the step. So, a little more
embarrassed she once again reached behind her and
unzipped her skirt a little more. And for a second time she
attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin
she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the
offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was
unable to make the step. About this time the big Texan that
was behind her in the line picked her up easily by the waist
and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero,
screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't
even know who you are!!"

At this the Texan drawled " Well ma'am, normally I would
agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I
kinda figured we were friends."


When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why? 

It's because she smells like a new truck 

 


Dang potholes!



There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet chat
when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher stood right
in front of them and opened his trench coat. 
The first lady immediately had a stroke. 

Then the second lady also had a stroke. 

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, 
couldn't reach quite that far.


Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic
winter vacation. When they get there the guy goes out to
chop some wood. When he gets back, he says,'Honey, my hands
are freezing! She says, Well put them between my thighs and
that will warm them up.

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and
comes back and says again, Man! My hands are really
freezing! She says again, Well, put them between my thighs
and warm them up again.

He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get
them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he
states once again, Honey, my hands are really, really
freezing. She looks at him and says, For crying out loud,
don't your ears ever get cold?


A man walked into a crowded doctor's office.

As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked, "Yes,
sir, may we help you?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you," he
said.

"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please
go outside and come back in and say that there's something
wrong with your ear or whatever."

The man walked out, waited several minutes, and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong
with your ear, sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

Some people laughd so hard that they forgot which side 
of them had been hurting.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,
magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman,
then, POW! It was all gone!"
"What happened?," asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."


A man walks into a bar, sits down & orders a beer and a shot.
He downs the shot, slams down the shot glass, chugs the beer,
and slams down the mug.  Then he stands up and screams, "All
politicians are assholes!!"

A man sitting at the other end of the bar says, "Hey, watch
it buddy!!"  

The first man says, "What, are you a politician?"
The man at the end of the bar says, "No, I'm an asshole".





Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice, don't you think, Tracy"
"Yeah. What's it called Sharon?"
"Viens a moi."
"Viens a moi? What the does that mean?"
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her
arm to Tracy again saying,
"That doesn't smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?"


Bob and Bill are walking down the street and see two dogs going at it in
someone's front yard.

Bob says, "I always wanted to do doggie style like that, but my wife
would never go for it."

Bill replied, "Why, that shouldn't be a problem. Just loosen her up with
a few beers first."

When they met the next day, Bill asked, "Well, how'd it go?"

"Rotten," replied Bob. "It took me a twelve pack just to get her onto
her knees in the front yard."


Nancy and her boyfriend were setting at home one night and 
became bored.
"Hey, let's play a game" she said.
"What game?" was his bored reply.
"Let's play hide'n'seek. I'll give you a blow-job if you can find me."
"What if I can't find you?"
"I'll be behind the piano."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
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Good Morning 
It's Monday, March 29, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more
exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis
you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable
positions," the medic said.

"Nah," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your
Lamborghini!"


The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the
Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.

One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"

The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife
is fine also, as I left her in bed smoking."

The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to love 'em!"






Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I jus wanna get weighed," said Kim.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120
pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a
prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the
ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to
do. "I jus wanna get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been
there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost
his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked
where to next.

"I jus wanna get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe
figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
"How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."


Bill decided to try his hand at a new job and secured one as
a used car salesman. He had no experience in this field but
he figured he could use the old sales pitch that the car was
*like brand-new" and "had only been driven by a little old lady
on Sundays."
He tried that approach on every prospective buyer but none
seemed to believe him and no sales were made that day.

The following day he decided to change his sales pitch and
sure enough he sold three cars. The manager of the used
car dealership called him over and asked what he had done
to bring about all these sales.
Bill grinned, Well, they didn't believe my little old lady story,
so I told them that the car had previously been owned by a
nymphomaniac who only used the backseat!"


A secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. Her
boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around
here. Who told you you could come and go as you please
around here?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling
said,
"My doctor told me.....
You are going to be a daddy."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Sunday, March 28, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Be careful with English usage

On his 77th birthday, Pete got a gift certificate from his 
wife Molly. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine 
man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to 
have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After 
being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed 
his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he 
was in for.

The medicine man slowly and methodically produced 
a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, 
warned, "This is powerful medicine and it must be respected. 
You take only a teaspoonful and then say 1-2-3.  When 
you do that, you will become more manly than you have 
ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you 
want." 

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned 
and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The medicine man responded, "Your partner must say 1-2-3-4, 
but when she does, the medicine will not work again until 
the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked, the old man went home, showered, 
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited 
his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, 
He took off his clothes and said, " 1-2-3".

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. 
And then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our 
sentences with a preposition; because we could end up 
with a dangling participle.


An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York
City with 2000 yen and walked out with $22. The following
week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $19. He
asked the teller why he got less money than the previous
week.

The teller said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the
door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"






"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested
in sleeping with me anymore! No passion, nothing! Haven't
you got a pill or something I can give her?"

"Look, I can't prescribe--"

"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me
this upset? I am desperate! I can't think, I can't
concentrate, my life is utterly falling apart! You've got
to help me, man!"

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle
of pills. "Okay, okay. Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These
are experimental. The tests so far indicate that they're
very powerful. Don't give her more than one, understand?
Just one."

"I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold."

"One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"

"Um... Okay."

The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his
wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes
to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the
pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee.
He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second
pill.

Then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were
powerful. Then inspiration strikes -- he drops one pill into
his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they
enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes
after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply
and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a
near-whisper he has never heard her use before, she says,
"I... need... a man..."

His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies,
"Me... too..."


Reported by the Associated Press
Summerville, SC
Police have only the barest of clues to investigate a convenience store
robbery aided by a scantily clad woman.

A woman wearing only panties was accompanied by two men who 
robbed the U.S. 78 store of $60 worth of beer about 5:30 a.m. Sunday, 
police say.

The woman hopped and skipped around the store, and while the 
49-year-old clerk was focused on her, the men hauled off 
four cases of beer, Detective Cpl. Al Lapolla said.

The clerk told police he thinks the men were white, but he 
cannot say for sure, Lapolla said.

He told police the woman was white but he is not sure about 
her height or hair color.

"The parts of her anatomy he concentrated on he was able to 
tell us a great deal about," Lapolla said.

Asked if the store had cameras that might have photographed 
the trio, he apparently said, "It's not one of those stores, darn it."


Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding.  The husband to
be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the
minutes until he has to be at the altar. The wife to be, on the other
hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking. She immediately begins
to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her
mind she is repeating what she has to do. "All I have to do is go down
the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him." She repeats this over and
over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she
continues to repeat... "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him."
"Aisle, altar, him."

Now say it fast for 5 seconds


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Saturday, March 27, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A man went to an internist and complained of listlessness.  After a
thorough examination, the doctor said, "You ought to try some
hormones."

"Like they give to women?" the patient asked, dumbfounded.  "Are you
serious?"

"Everybody uses hormones and for different purposes.  They even give
them to racehorses." replied the doctor.

The patient agreed to a shot and returned two weeks later for a
follow-up visit. The Doctor asked if they worked.

The patient replied, "You bet they did but, not exactly as I planned.
Yesterday, I ran six furlongs in one-ten !"


An 80 year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check
up. When the doctor was finished, he said, "You are in very
good shape. Is there anything else I can do for you?"

The old man replied, "I want to have a sperm count done."

The doctor asked why a man his age would want a sperm count.
The old man said, "I just do." The doctor gave him a
specimen bottle and sent him home.

When the old man came back, the doctor asked him how it
went. The old man gave the doctor the bottle. The doctor
looked at the bottle and it was empty. The doctor asked him
what was the matter. The old man replied:

"I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand. My
wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right
hand. She tried with her teeth in, she tried with her teeth
out. 
Even Maureen from across the street tried it five different ways,
but we could not get the top off the bottle."






The day has come for the final showdown between the
Christians and the Jews. A neutral field is chosen for this
battle to determine which religion is more holy. As the Pope
and the head Rabbi stare each other in the eye, the Pope
raises his arms. In response, the Rabbi points at the
ground. The Pope shows the Rabbi three fingers, and the
Rabbi shows him one finger. The Pope brings out a loaf of
bread, and the Rabbi brings out an apple. They both go back
to their respective house of worship.

Returning to Rome with his head held low, the Pope is asked
by the cardinal, "Your holiness, what happened that can make
you feel so blue?"

The Pope responds, "First I raised my arms to show that God
is all around us. The Rabbi said that God is right here. I
reminded him of the Holy Trinity, and he stated the first
commandment -- I am the lord, your God, and you shall
worship no one but me. Then I brought out a loaf of bread
to remind him of the body of Christ. He brought out an
apple to remind me of the first sin."

The cardinals says, "I'm sorry. I guess he made you feel
awful."

Back at the head Rabbi's temple, the other Rabbis ask, "So,
Rabbi, what happened with that goyim."

The Rabbi answers, "First, he says 'You wanna fight?' I
said, 'Right here, right now.' Then he said, 'Give me 3
minutes,' and I said, 'Fuck you!' Then we brought out our
lunches and went home."


An Australian entered a bar and stood beside a
Scotsman. "Wherr are yo from, pal?" asked the
Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while.

"I'm from the finest country in the whole wide
world." Said the Australian.

"Are you?" said the other, "yo shorr have a damn
fonny accent forr a Scotsman."


From Sr Ernestine:

Dear Lord,
So for today, God; I've done all right. I haven't used your name profanely,
haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, 
or even indulgent. I haven't spat at the dummy or kicked the cat; 
I haven't even pounded the table with my fist!

Mighty One, I'm very thankful for that - But in a very short time, God, I'm
going to get out of bed, and from that moment on, I'm going to need a HUGE
amount of help (because if my bastard ISP is STILL down, I will not be
responsible for my mood or reactions or behaviour or language,
or the state of tranquility around here).
Thank you , Lord.
Amen.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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