Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  March 29, 2009

Right now it is snowing like crazy. Real blizzard going on.
The orange street lights help a little bit, but even under the lights,
visibility is only about 15 feet. 

Two more days until they announce Global Cooling!
Then we'll surely get a heat wave.


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Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into
giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow
arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."

The very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold,  the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this
technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited
for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized,
the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a
loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them three weeks to clean up the church.





A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the
past week I was able to pick-up and bed three girls, none of
whom were over fifty  years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too! You are well over
90 !." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some
precautions."

"Yep. You might hear from them!
I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. 
I gave 'em all a phony name, 
yours ."


On a crowded airliner five-year-old Little Johnny is throwing a wild
temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother
does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream 
furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with 
an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers 
something into Little Johnny's ear. Instantly, he calms down, 
gently takes his mother's hand,
and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.
"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "what holy words 
did you use on that stupid brat?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, 
"I told him if he didn't cut that crap out, 
I'd kick his ass to the moon."


Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid
about you, when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she
handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, don't park so close to my wife's
parking spot. She will dent your car for sure!' "




Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at 
http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html
If you knew what the Chinese name for 
Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 
you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 
being censored as if they were AOLers, 
and are hitting back at the censors with dirty puns.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  March 28, 2009

Three more days until they announce Global Cooling!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two daughters had been given parts in a pageant play at
their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the
most important role.
Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you
just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin
than it is to be an angel."



Who? Me ?


A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial
counseling from their minister. The guy asked, "Is it okay to
have sex before the wedding?"
The minister replied, "No. It might delay the ceremony."


An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
"but Cindy tripped him and Susie and me jumped on him."


A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen
behind on her bills.
"All right, lady," said the bill collector,
 "how about the next installment on that couch?"
The lady shrugged.
 "I guess that's better than having to give you money."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  March 27, 2009

Four more days until they announce Global Cooling!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Here's a woman with no luck for names. Born Jennifer
Crabb, and enduring teasing throughout school, her
nearest neighbors had the last names Beaver, Butt, and
Blow. Finally she attended Denison College where she slept
in Beaver Dorm. Denison College, by the way, is in Licking
County, Ohio.





The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.  After a couple of days, Mr.
Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm
happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the
heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old
lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to
worry about your heart;  do any physical exercise that you
like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I
have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are
going to make love like you've never had before - wild,
passionate sex! You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've
heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to
be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe,
just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that
everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office.  His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note.  Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad,
passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed,
Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol,
what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just write, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"


Joanna calls the police station and says, "My hubby
is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

Why did you wait so long to report it?"

 "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."


A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your
respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you
going? I'm not angry at you."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  March 26, 2009

Cresting a hill a tad fster than the speed limit and hitting a snow
drift, is one of the few times when a girl appreciates not being an
anorexic Victoria's Secret model, and when a big ol Chrysler keeps
going straight. Without scaring anybody! 


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is
waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife
is having their first baby.
He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says,
"You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go
out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another
one."

Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.Some time later he
phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins,
but the nurse cautions,
"There is another on the way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough,
so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones
the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived
and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the
bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so
drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded
cricket game score.

When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still
going strong:
"The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last
one was a duck."





Ed was shopping the other day and wound up face to face
with this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but
just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just
admiring her outfit. She said,
"Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Ed replied, "No, ma'am, not troubled at all. 
Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."


A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to
their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already
had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps
oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the
eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a sin
and   frowned upon by the church.
The wife jumped up, fuming:
"Look Father, you no play-a da game,
you no make-a da rules."


TWO GUYS IN A BAR

One says "Did your hear the news -  Mike is dead!"

"Wooo,  what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly
and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he
crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air
and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So,
he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered
in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old
antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for
the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging
himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his
bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed
to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the
landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but
under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling
down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the
floor,  sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So
he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen.
He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on
the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water,
whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of
his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on
the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone
and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead
he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the
wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got
electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  March 25, 2009
The main roads are clear, but I am not looking forward to the
mess in the parking lots. Wonder who will invite me first that I 
come along for traction? It's funny how diplomatic they can 
get about that.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the
door was opened by a nude woman.
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine
questions.... "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen." The lady replied.
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist--you just don't have time to
get dressed!"





An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak
something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace
to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to
take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey
you -- what are you doing?"
"I gotta piss, man."
"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz
away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.
"Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian
courtesy?"
"No. This is the American Embassy."


A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's
best friend. They had been fucking for hours, and afterwards, while
they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's
house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that
you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That 
sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to.
"I rang the bell, and the maid opened the door." he started.

His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the maid?"

"Well," he answered smoothly, "It was quite obvious that she 
wasn't the butler."


A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize,
to be his wife. But Morty was stubborn.
"I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a
mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a 
sample also."

The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl.
"He says he is a good businessman and he has to know exactly what he's
buying. He insists on a sample."

"Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I
don't give. But, I will give him references.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD