Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  March 19, 2009

By morning Telass had fixed their problem and DSL worked
again. Not quite as fast as what I am paying for, but at least
it works. Typical Telass, there was no apology or explanation.
I guess that's what you get when you are dumb enough to sign
a long term contract. Try to be smarter than me!


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, 
when Mrs. Steinfeld hears a noise downstairs.

"Wake up!" cried Mrs. Steinfeld, nudging her husband.

"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the 
pot roast I made tonight!"

"That's their problem," said Mr. Steinfeld. "As long as they don't 
die in the house!"





It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court, the Police
had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and
brought them before the Judge; three stood before him, all
arrested on the same corner. He asked the first lady what
she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about
your Honor. I'm a college student doing research for a term
paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought
you'd done enough research' by now. My computer sez you have
two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He then turned to the second lady and requested her to
testify. The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I
am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for
my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young
lady, the officer tells me that he saw you had a stack of
bills along with the cigarettes for your 'husband' in his
new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine."

He turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker."

Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said,
"How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible Judge, with all these
students and housewives around, I can't turn a single
trick."


The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon
when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress 
with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his 
message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to 
speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.

When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing
voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?"

"Why reverend." the young woman replied, "all of my boyfriends tell
me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my
breasts."

"Hmm. Well let me check," said the reverend, placing his head 
between her boobs. After several minutes, he raised his head and 
said. "I don't hear any angels singing!"

"Of course not reverend." she said. "You're not plugged in yet."


An elderly man really took care of his body. He lifted weights 
and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked 
into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was 
suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. 
So he decided to do something about that. 

 He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried 
 himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left 
 sticking out of the sand. 

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, 
one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing 
sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move 
the penis around with her cane. 

 Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really 
 is no justice in the world." 

 The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?" 

 The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, 
 I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I 
 was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I 
 was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it.

"Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, 
and I'm too old to squat."


Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his 
ashes home. 

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio 
table. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started 
talking to him....
'Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me. I bought it with the
insurance money!' 

She paused for a minute. 
Still tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, 
'Herman, remember that car you promised me?? Well, I also 
bought it with the insurance money!' 

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her 
fingers in the ashes she said, 
'Herman, that diamond ring you promised me?? Bought it too, 
with the insurance money!'

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, 
'Herman, remember? That blow job I promised you?
Here it comes.'





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  March 18, 2009

Telass, my DSL provider, totally lost it today. Not just the usual
slow-down, but they dumped the DSL for all of Southern Alberta
and part of the North, an area the size of England plus France!
Telass support said that they are working on it, but they might
need hardware.

After a fair to middling freak-out and hysterical temper tantrum 
I called DearWebby. He is south of here and affected too. 

After razzing me about being overdressed, or maybe not heavy
enough, and various other things that calm a hysterical female,
he told me that the only instant solution was to call Earthlink
and get a dial-up account, like the one he has for emergencies
like this one.

Well, that was easy.
But it sure is not fast! I realize, that it is slower than normal 
because of the trouble in the Telass hub, but I sure can
sympathise with people on dial-up now!

The main thing, though, is that I am on-line and can send this
letter out to you.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went
on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and
yelled, "You need more tail!"
The father yelled back, "F... You, I told you yesterday that I needed
more tail,... and you told me to go fly a kite!"





A young boy asked his mother
"Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like
machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied
by his mother.

The young boy answered " Sis was talking to someone 
on the phone, and she said that she screwed the
ass off her boss yesterday."


The good bishop knew very well that not only did everyone in his
small town look to him for an example, but that all too often, all eyes
were on him as potential fodder for the local gossip mill, as well.

This could be wearing; but usually, he was able to provide the good
example and escape the tattlers. One night, however, after a long,
hard day, a social obligation beckoned on top of his church
responsibilities, and he came to a sudden stopping place.

His hostess, noting that he looked tired, asked with concern, 
"A spot of tea, Bishop?"

"No, thank you," he managed. "No tea."

"Ah," she said. "Coffee, then?"

"No coffee either, thank you."

In the spirit of triage, she leaned closer and murmured, "I could
bring you a scotch and soda in an opaque mug?"

"My dear, this is my last word: NO soda."


"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the modish
young lady.

"What's to be proud of?" asked the old man.

The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze,
you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa.
"How else can I catch my teeth???"


On the first day of third grade, Miss Torch took roll.
"My name is Johnny Fuckhauer," said one boy.

"I won't tolerate such language in my class", Miss Torch fumed. 
"Tell me your real name."

"That is my real name," Johnny insisted. "You can ask my brother 
over in the fourth grade."

The determined teacher marched across the hall. 
"Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" Miss Torch asked the class.

"Hell no," a bold lad retorted. "We don't even get a cookie break."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  March 17, 2009

Happy St Patrick's Day!
If you wear something green today, you can make up any dumb
story that will get you a free beer or kiss. It just has to have
something Irish in it.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Ida at the office said that with all the new transplants they're doing, she'd
like to see about being a virgin again.
But Sophie just laughed and said,
"And just where  do you think they'd find a donor?"





Lisa, here in the trailer park said to her hubby: 
"Uh, Bob, what would you do if I said I've won the lottery?" 

Bob replied: "I'd take half then leave you. No questions,
no argument."  

Lisa said: "Excellent! I had three numbers and won ten 
dollars.... 
Here's five. Now .... Git!


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim 
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya". "Of course you can come in, you're 
always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" 
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." 

There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." 
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "
I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. 
I'm sorry. 

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness 
Stout and drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. 
Did he at least go quickly?" 

"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to piss."


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd 
just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose 
is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with 
a limp. 

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. " 
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. 

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that 
to you, he must have had something in his hand." 

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a 
terrible lickin' he gave me with it." 

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, 
didn't you have something in your hand?" 

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a 
thing of beauty it was, but quite useless in a fight."


Eve called the police.
"My next door neighbor is exposing himself. Oh my," she
continued, "he's just standing there, big as you please,
taking a shower with his window shades up!"

The squad car arrived immediately to catch the evil culprit
in the act. She led the cop into her bedroom and pointed out
her window.
"See what I mean, officer."

The policeman scratched his head and said, "Ma'am, I can
only see the top of his head."

The lady replied, "Crazy fool, just put a chair on that dresser
over there and stand on that!





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  March 16, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Jon was talking to Ben.
"So, Ben, how's it going with the ladies?"
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects."
"Really?"
"Yep," Ben shook his head, "Whenever I mention sex, they object."





One day a sweet little girl became puzzled about her origin:
"How did I get here, Mommy?" she asked.
Her mother replied, using a well-worn phrase,
"God sent you, Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continued.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them," replied her mother.
The child shook her head in disbelief.
"Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200
years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"


Nina and Rosey were always trying to get the other's
goat and today they were meeting for lunch together.

Nina noticed thar Rosey was walking stiffly and
asked what the problem was.

Rosey replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that if my husband
were any bigger I couldn't take it."

Nina replied, "I know ! I know !!!"


Little Johnny and Little Mary were playing doctor, on the 
back porch one day. Little Mary's mom happened to walk 
out and see them.

Shocked and furious she said "You're gonna get a good 
lickin' when daddy gets home,"

Mary replied, "But that's what Johnny's been doing all 
afternoon!"


Eight year old Johnny came home from school one day.  At the supper
table he announced to his mother and father that tomorrow in school
they were going to learn about sex education.
The next evening at the dinner table Johnny's mother asked, "Well
Johnny, what did you learn about sex education today?"
Johnny said, "I think the teacher said we should avoid
inter-sections and buy condominiums."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  March 15, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

There were 3 nuns on a train and they had been talking for
some time when they decided to pass the time by telling
each other what their greatest sins were.

The first nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is sex.
Every year I go out for a week and become a prostitute. Of
course I put all the money I earn in the poor box but that
is my greatest sin."

The second nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is drinking.
Every year I take the money out of the poor box and drink
for one consecutive week."

The third nun was sitting there being very quite. The other
nuns say "come now we told you our worst sins, what is
yours."

The third nun got up and said, "My greatest sin is that I
am a gossip and I can't wait to get off this train."




DearWebby asked me to help find him a stack of pictures
showing Alpacas for a new postcard site. So, if you have any,
please hit reply and send them to me. 


At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at
least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know
anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his
mother at the front door he says, "I know the whole truth." 
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." 

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a 
word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he
sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, 
"I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, 
"Then come give your DADDY a big hug."


Why do Jewish Women go for circumcised men?
Because they can't refuse anything with 10% off.


 When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the
 teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling
me  that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was
 sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in
 the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her
sitting  in the wrong desk."

 "I don't understand that," I replied defensively.  "Where could she
 have gotten that?"

 The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing
 fine in school and was sweet and likable. Finally, after a pause, she
 added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."



Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a
beloved old Irish priest.  At confession one day, a football player
told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsman-like manner at a
recent football game.  "I lost my temper and said some bad words to
one of my opponents."

"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the
priest said.  He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the
sleeve of his coat.

"That's not all, Father.  I got mad and punched one of my opponents."

"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark.

"There's more.  As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other
team's players in the in a sensitive area."

"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on
his sleeve.  "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these
awful things?"

"Southern Methodist."

"Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD