Good Morning 
It's Friday,  March 27, 2009

Four more days until they announce Global Cooling!


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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Here's a woman with no luck for names. Born Jennifer
Crabb, and enduring teasing throughout school, her
nearest neighbors had the last names Beaver, Butt, and
Blow. Finally she attended Denison College where she slept
in Beaver Dorm. Denison College, by the way, is in Licking
County, Ohio.





The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.  After a couple of days, Mr.
Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm
happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the
heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old
lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to
worry about your heart;  do any physical exercise that you
like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I
have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are
going to make love like you've never had before - wild,
passionate sex! You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've
heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to
be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe,
just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that
everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office.  His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note.  Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad,
passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed,
Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol,
what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just write, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"


Joanna calls the police station and says, "My hubby
is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

Why did you wait so long to report it?"

 "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."


A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your
respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you
going? I'm not angry at you."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  March 26, 2009

Cresting a hill a tad fster than the speed limit and hitting a snow
drift, is one of the few times when a girl appreciates not being an
anorexic Victoria's Secret model, and when a big ol Chrysler keeps
going straight. Without scaring anybody! 


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is
waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife
is having their first baby.
He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says,
"You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go
out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another
one."

Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.Some time later he
phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins,
but the nurse cautions,
"There is another on the way, so call back later."
At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough,
so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones
the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived
and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the
bar and orders a double scotch.
Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so
drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded
cricket game score.

When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still
going strong:
"The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last
one was a duck."





Ed was shopping the other day and wound up face to face
with this drop dead gorgeous woman. He couldn't help but
just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open.
The woman caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just
admiring her outfit. She said,
"Are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?"
Ed replied, "No, ma'am, not troubled at all. 
Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them."


A married couple in New York's "Little Italy" went to
their Priest to discuss birth control, since they already
had five children. The husband inquired if perhaps
oral sex would be an acceptable substitute in the
eyes of the Church.

The Priest explained that it was still considered a sin
and   frowned upon by the church.
The wife jumped up, fuming:
"Look Father, you no play-a da game,
you no make-a da rules."


TWO GUYS IN A BAR

One says "Did your hear the news -  Mike is dead!"

"Wooo,  what happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly
and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he
crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air
and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."

"What a horrible way to die!"

"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So,
he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered
in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old
antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for
the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging
himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing
down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his
bones."

"What a way to go, that's terrible!"

"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed
to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the
landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but
under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling
down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken
banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the
floor,  sticking right through him."

"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"

"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So
he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen.
He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on
the cooker, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water,
whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of
his skin off him."

"Man, what a way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he survived that ! He's lying on
the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone
and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead
he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the
wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got
electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."

"Now that is one awful way to go!"

"No no, he survived that, he ..."

"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"

"I shot him!"

"You shot him? What did you shoot him for?"

"He was wrecking my house."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  March 25, 2009
The main roads are clear, but I am not looking forward to the
mess in the parking lots. Wonder who will invite me first that I 
come along for traction? It's funny how diplomatic they can 
get about that.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The census taker rang the doorbell and was quite surprised when the
door was opened by a nude woman.
"Don't be alarmed," she said, "I'm a nudist."
Although somewhat embarrassed, the man proceeded to ask the routine
questions.... "How many children do you have?" he asked.
"Eighteen." The lady replied.
"Lady," he gasped, "you're not a nudist--you just don't have time to
get dressed!"





An American tourist in Moscow found himself needing to take a leak
something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find anyplace
to relieve himself. So he just went down one of the side streets to
take care of business.
Before he could even get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey
you -- what are you doing?"
"I gotta piss, man."
"You can't piss here. Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the cop, whiz
away."
The American shrugs, turns, unzips, and starts right on the flowers.
"Ahhh. Whew. Thanks. This is very nice of you. Is this Russian
courtesy?"
"No. This is the American Embassy."


A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's
best friend. They had been fucking for hours, and afterwards, while
they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's
house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the
conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that
you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That 
sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me all about the
wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."


A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to.
"I rang the bell, and the maid opened the door." he started.

His friend interrupted, "How did you know he was the maid?"

"Well," he answered smoothly, "It was quite obvious that she 
wasn't the butler."


A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize,
to be his wife. But Morty was stubborn.
"I'm a businessman," Morty argued. "Before I buy material from a
mill, I look at swatches. So before I get married, I gotta have a 
sample also."

The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl.
"He says he is a good businessman and he has to know exactly what he's
buying. He insists on a sample."

"Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business. A sample I
don't give. But, I will give him references.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  March 24, 2009

It warmed up a bit today, and the snow settled down to 10".
The neighborhood kids like it, though. It is so much faster building
an igloo over the Sheriff's car when there is lots of fresh snow 
available.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Got this from Fran:
I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided
to try to figure out what it meant.

I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started
trying to find the sex drive on mine.

I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section,
the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel,
then I got out all the manuals and went through them.

I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped
with one. So, I decided to go to the computer store and see if I 
could buy one.

I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat.

Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking
woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked 
her if she had any sex drives in stock.

She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart
with her. Figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I 
replied that I tried to be smart with everyone.
She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and
walked away......huh, must not have had any in stock. 

In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model 
of my computer and asked it they had any sex drives in stock.

He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive......I thought
about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should
already have one installed.....he started laughing at me....said something
about me trying to kill him. 
You're killing me! something like that.... and walked away.

Hmmmm, must be out here too...must be hard to keep in stock.
I wasn't trying to kill him...I wasn't even hurting him.

The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen
off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, 
but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times.

He mumbled something about that explaining it.... she's fallen off the
wagon, that explains it.... like that and walked away laughing.

The guy in the fourth store said something like boob under his breath
and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one?

Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores....maybe have to
order from a catalog or something.
So that's where I am now.

If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my
sex drive, I would appreciate it, then all I'd have to do is figure out
what to do with it.





Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, "I can remember the first day of my First
Grade class."

Second guy says, "I can remember my first day at Nursery
School!"

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, "Hell, that's
nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my
father, and coming home with my mother."


Milton came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say,
disfigured, would you still love me," he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became impotent, couldn't make love to you any more?"
he asked anxiously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing
her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Milton went on,
if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me
then?"

The woman looked over at her husband's worried face. "Milton, I'll
always love you," she reassured him, "but I'll really miss you."


A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above
the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If I can't tell you where
you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the
sign right?"
The Indian says, "Yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "You're on!" The Indian looks
the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly
states, "You're from Wyoming." 

The cowboy shakes his head and says,
"I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same
routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian 
looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on 
his boots. The Indian says, "You're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away. The young man 
decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes 
into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries 
them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. 

He hands the Indian a five-dollar bill and says, "Do your stuff!" 

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be 
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on 
the Indian. 

The Indian finally says, "You're from Arkansas!" 

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure 
out how the Indian could know that, so he asks,
"How in the world did you know I'm from Arkansas?"

The Indian replies, "By the wool on your zipper."


Jim and Hoyt were hunting pheasant. They approached a farm
and decided to ask the farmer for permission to hunt on
his land. "You stay here at the gate," Hoyt told Jim. "I'll
go up to the farmhouse and talk with the farmer."

After Hoyt explained their desire, the farmer replied,
"It's fine for you to hunt on our land, but I have one
request. See that old gray mare over there? She's sick and
dying and needs to be shot, but she has been so good to us
all these years I can't stand to do it. If you'll shoot my
horse, you can hunt on our land."

Hoyt told the farmer it would be hard for him too, but he
would do it. As he walked back to meet Jim at the gate,
he decided to trick his buddy.

"Well, what did the farmer say?" Jim asked. "That no good,
lousy farmer...He said No!" Hoyt replied.  "I'll teach him
a lesson. See that mare over there?" Hoyt took aim with
his rifle. Pow! Pow! He pulled the trigger and shot the
horse. Then he heard two shots ring out behind him. He
turned and saw Jim lowering his rifle.

"Good job, Hoyt!!!" Jim said, "I got two of his cows, too!
Let's get out of here."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  March 23, 2009

Woke up to a foot of snow this morning. I'll blame it on Roland
and all his farting around. Him and all the cows in Colorado are
putting too much CO2 into the atmosphere, causing Mother 
Nature to giggle about nuts like Al Gore.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters
but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one
last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became
pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy
baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the
child was the ugliest he had ever seen.

The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be
the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters
we've had!"
He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?"

His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time."



It's not snowing in here


Sally and her family have never had a pet.  One day Sally 
ponders the options and decides a parrot would be best.  
No housetraining, no worming, no registration...

The pet shop owner shows her a beautiful parrot and 
she's astonished by the price tag.  "Only $50!?" she asks.

"Yes" the shopkeeper says, "you see he lived in a brothel 
before and his language is, err, colourful".  She buys the 
parrot, takes him home and sets him up in the living room.

"New house, new madam" says the parrot.  Sally laughs.  
Pretty soon her two daughters come home.

"New house, new madam, new hookers." says the parrot.  
Sally explains to her daughters.  A bit later, Bill, her husband 
comes home.

"Hi Bill!" says the parrot. "We got a new house, new madam, 
new hookers." 


GROAN ALERT
Jimmy: 'Hey, Mike! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me 
he was really something special.'

Mike: 'To tell the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy 
who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.'

Jimmy: 'What? Let me get this straight.... You bought a fish 
because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? 
I can't believe it!'

Mike: 'Well, yeah. After all, you know, he's a parrot fish.'

Jimmy: 'Now listen,' Mike, 'while you might be able to teach 
a parrot to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a 
parrot fish.'

Mike: 'Yeah! That's what you think! This fish can sing all right.
The thing is, he keeps singing off-key and it's driving me crazy. 
Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'


My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the
bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts
like yours?"

My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although
breasts come in all shapes and sizes".

My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting
out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"


A knockout babe with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor,
"I believe I am losing my mind...I can't remember ANYTHING after five
minutes!"
The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all
your clothes, miss, and lie down..."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD