Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  March 31, 2009
I am starting to wonder if I have to buy a snow blower,
to make this silly weather stop snowing!


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I
wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Fine
suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers
you could die from.  Then he takes me downstairs, and what's
there but such a beautiful car.....a limousine even, uniformed
chauffeur and all.  Then he takes me out for a dinner.....Marvelous
dinner. Lobster even. Den ve go see a show....let me tell you Sadie,
I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we
are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his
way with me two times!"

Sadie: "Oy! Vey...so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."





Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years,
they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they
were inseparable until they graduated.

They had planned on going to college together, but he was
accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted
to a school on the east coast.  They agreed to be faithful
to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would
never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to
return his letters.  Even when he e-mailed her, she took
days to return his messages.  Finally, she confessed to him
that she wanted to date around.

He didn't take this very well, so he increased the number
of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save
their relationship.

She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing
a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off
her back, so she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her
new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old
boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend,
leave me alone!"

Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off.
So,... he wrote a note on the back of her photo:

"Dear Mom and Dad,
  I'm having a great time at college.
  Please send more money!"


A first grade teacher had a small number of children
gathered around a table for a reading group. After the
story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do.
While they were working she heard a little girl say very
softly
"Damn!"
The teacher leaned over and said quietly, "We don't say
that in school."
The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very
big and she said, "Not even when everything is all fu***d up?"


I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier
staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to
$16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for
change.

"Here you go," said the cashier, smiling as he returned
the proper amount. "Have a great day!"

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was
$32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

"I'm sorry, Ma'am. We can't accept anything larger than a
fifty," he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

"But you just accepted that last girl's hundred," I reasoned.

"I had to," he said. "It had her phone number on it."






Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 

being censored, and are hitting back at the 
censors with dirty sounding puns.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  March 30, 2009

One more day after today, until they announce Global Cooling!
Then we'll surely get a heat wave.
I sure need one to melt the big snow drift in front of the 
garage door. As you can probably guess, my snow shovel
is inside the garage.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An old man turned 96 and was being interviewed by a reporter
for the local paper. During the interview the reporter
noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages
playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the
old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and
running errands for them.

"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.

"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied
with a sly grin.

"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful
young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your
children too?"

"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."

"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be
more than 19 years old."

"That's right," said the old man with pride.

"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 96 and
she being only 19," the reporter remarked.

"Naw, sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night.
Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning
six of my boys helps me off."

"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it
only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of
them to take you off?"

"Cause," the spry old man said with a tight fist, "I fights
'em."





Two law partners hire a new cute, young secretary and a contest arises
between them as to who can bed her first, even though they're both
already married. Eventually one of them scores with her and his
partner
is quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think?" he
asks.
"Ahh," replies the first lawyer, "my wife is better."
Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the
secretary. "So," asks the first guy, "what did you think?"
The second guy replies, "You were right, your wife is better."


At the beginning of the world, Mother Nature began to dispense life
roles to all her creatures. Mankind pushed his way to the front of the 
line and Mother Nature said. " Man I am going to give you 20 years sex life."  

Man fumed and fussed until Mother told him to go to the back of the room.

The next to step up was the "king of beasts".
"Lion", said Mother Nature, " I am going to give you 20 years sex
life."

The beast sighed and said " you know, I am going to be living in a
difficult area, it is very hot and sometimes there isn't enough food 
to go around--- I think that I will settle for many mates and just 10 years."

Man from the back of the room began jumping up and down hollering
loudly "Can I have those 10 extra years?"
Lion agreed, so Mother waved her hand, and thus it was

The ape stepped forward and Mother said, " ape, I am going to give
you 20 years sex life".

The ape sat back on his tail and said, " hey, I am going to be living
a very precarious life at the top of the trees. I will be spending much of
my time hunting for food, and the rest of the time trying to avoid the lion
here.  I will settle for 10 years."

Man, from the back of the room again began jumping up and down
hollering loudly, " Can I have those extra 10 years."
Ape agreed, so Mother waved her hand, and thus it was.

Many animals came and many animals received their allotment. One of
the last to step forward was the donkey.
When Mother said " let me give you 20 years sex life, " the donkey
looked over his shoulder and said, " as I am a servant to man, let me give
him 10 of my years too."

Mother waved her hand, and thus it was.
This is why: Man has 20 years of sex life, 
10 years of lying about it, 
10 years of monkeying around, and 
10 years of making a jack ass of himself.


A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about
the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to
tell for certain how often someone had sex.

To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with
people, and went down the line asking each person to smile.
Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was
able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The
last man in line was grinning from ear to ear.

"Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised
when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer
was no. "Twice a week?"

"No."

"Twice a month?"

"No."

When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said
yes.

The therapist was angry that his theory hadn't worked with
this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are
you so happy about?"

The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"






Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at

http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html

If you knew what the Chinese name for 

Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 

you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 

being censored, as if they were AOLers, 

and are hitting back at the censors with dirty 

sounding puns.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  March 29, 2009

Right now it is snowing like crazy. Real blizzard going on.
The orange street lights help a little bit, but even under the lights,
visibility is only about 15 feet. 

Two more days until they announce Global Cooling!
Then we'll surely get a heat wave.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into
giving more.

"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.

"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow
arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."

The very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold,  the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this
technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited
for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized,
the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a
loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them three weeks to clean up the church.





A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the
past week I was able to pick-up and bed three girls, none of
whom were over fifty  years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too! You are well over
90 !." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some
precautions."

"Yep. You might hear from them!
I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. 
I gave 'em all a phony name, 
yours ."


On a crowded airliner five-year-old Little Johnny is throwing a wild
temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother
does to try to calm him down, Little Johnny continues to scream 
furiously and kick the seats around him.

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly
walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with 
an upraised hand, the minister leans down and whispers 
something into Little Johnny's ear. Instantly, he calms down, 
gently takes his mother's hand,
and quietly fastens his seat belt.

All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As the
minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the
stewardesses takes him by the sleeve.
"Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "what holy words 
did you use on that stupid brat?"

The old man smiles serenely and gently says, 
"I told him if he didn't cut that crap out, 
I'd kick his ass to the moon."


Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "can you give me twenty dollars?"
"Certainly not."

"If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid
about you, when you were at the beauty shop."

His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she
handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Hey, Marie, don't park so close to my wife's
parking spot. She will dent your car for sure!' "




Cutest Grass Mud Horse postcards at 
http://cao-ni-ma.com/cards1.html
If you knew what the Chinese name for 
Grass Mud Horse sounds like in Mandarin Chinese, 
you'd be blushing! People in China don't like 
being censored as if they were AOLers, 
and are hitting back at the censors with dirty puns.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  March 28, 2009

Three more days until they announce Global Cooling!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two daughters had been given parts in a pageant play at
their Church.
At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the
most important role.
Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you
just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin
than it is to be an angel."



Who? Me ?


A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial
counseling from their minister. The guy asked, "Is it okay to
have sex before the wedding?"
The minister replied, "No. It might delay the ceremony."


An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that
Billy Brown had kissed her after class.
"How did that happen?" gasped her mother.
"It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady,
"but Cindy tripped him and Susie and me jumped on him."


A bill collector came knocking at the door of a lady who had fallen
behind on her bills.
"All right, lady," said the bill collector,
 "how about the next installment on that couch?"
The lady shrugged.
 "I guess that's better than having to give you money."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  March 27, 2009

Four more days until they announce Global Cooling!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Here's a woman with no luck for names. Born Jennifer
Crabb, and enduring teasing throughout school, her
nearest neighbors had the last names Beaver, Butt, and
Blow. Finally she attended Denison College where she slept
in Beaver Dorm. Denison College, by the way, is in Licking
County, Ohio.





The medics rushed Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of
the night, apparently with a massive heart attack. The doctors
work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to
ICU, where therapy continues.  After a couple of days, Mr.
Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says, "Sol, I'm
happy to tell you that you are completely well. You have the
heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old
lad. We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to
worry about your heart;  do any physical exercise that you
like."

Mr. Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his
wife. "Doris, you'll never believe it! I'm completely well. I
have no worries with my heart. Tonight, Darling, you and I are
going to make love like you've never had before - wild,
passionate sex! You'll love it!"

Doris thinks for a minute and says, "I don't know, Sol. I've
heard about active sex and heart conditions. I don't want it to
be on my conscience if you die while we are making love. Maybe,
just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that
everything was okay, maybe I would have such sex with you."

Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his
doctor's office.  His doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no
problem, I'll write the note.  Let's see, here's my prescription
pad: 'Mr. Sol Steinberg, a patient of mine, has the heart
function of a fifteen-year-old lad, and can have mad,
passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed,
Dr. Aaron Katz.' Now, I'll just address this. By the way, Sol,
what's your wife's first name?"

"Uh, Doctor, could you just write, 'To Whom It May Concern'?"


Joanna calls the police station and says, "My hubby
is missing."

The officer asks, "How long has she been gone?"

"A month."

Why did you wait so long to report it?"

 "Well, until yesterday I thought it was just a dream."


A congregation honors a rabbi for twenty-five years of service by
sending him to Hawaii for a week, all-expenses paid.
When he walks into his room, there's a nude girl lying on the bed.
He picks up the phone, calls his temple, and says, "Where is your
respect? As your rabbi, I am very, very angry with you."
The girl gets up and start to get dressed. He says, "Where are you
going? I'm not angry at you."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD