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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, February 8, 2011

What did we learn from Egypt's attempted revolt ?

We are again controlled by the Main Frame guys. 
The PC revolution fizzled. 
The PC revolution was supposed to give us freedom from control
by the Main Frame guys. Yeah, we did have a bit of freedom
for a while, then they took it away when they gave us the Internet,
and getting people hoked on Facebook, Twitter, Yahoo and Hotmail.

By simply shutting off those four, the Main Frame Guys shut up 
the peeple. "Back to the stone age, cavemen! You can yell
and grunt and throw rocks, but that's it!"

Where did we go wrong?

Before the Internet, there were two nets. FidoNet and Arpanet.
FidoNet was much like Amateur Radio. Every computer was a 
relay and dedicated a corner of it's capacity to that. And like
with Amateur Radio, it was all friendly cooperation and 
etiquette, no rules and edicts from the top.

Arpanet was the answer from the Main Frame Guys. 
Big main frame servers acting as hubs, a few select nodes
acting as ISPs and connecting all the users. Everything
strictly controlled by the Main Frame Guys.

Governments, of course, liked the idea of strict controls
and easy shut-off points. So that is where the money 
and support went. 

Fido got run over and all development went to Arpanet / 
Internet. 

Could Fido be revived? 
I have a hunch that Fido IS slowly being nurtured back to
active life in China. They are not going to be held hostage
or shut up by the Main Frame Guys, and I would be very 
surprised if they were not busy preparing an alternative.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 575 Subscribers.             Countries


The Students in Judy's sixth-grade class were bombarding
her with questions about her newly pierced ears.

"Does the hole go all the way through?"

"Yes."

"Did it hurt?"

"Just a little."

"Did they stick a needle through your ears?"

"No, they used a special gun."

Silence followed, and then one solemn voice at the back
called out: "Both ears with one shot !"



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The gentleman walked briskly into the drug store, strode
over to the pharmacist and said, "I would like a box of Sex-Lax."

The pharmacist smiled and replied, "You must mean Ex-Lax."

"No," the man responded, "I don't have any trouble going."




Click through the picture to the large version.

 

Father:  (at hospital looking through glass at
          newly arrived babies)
         "Kitchy kitchy koo.  Look, she smiled...
         isn't she adorable?"

Friend:  "But your kid didn't smile."

Father:  "I was talking about the nurse."



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away,
suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his 
chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all
the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him
appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her 
dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over 
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but 
I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, 
"No, he didn't. my HUSBAND just walked in the door."


Do you know the difference between an Irishman and a
Scotsman?

Hmmmm, not really.

A scotsman can say no to another beer.

especially if it is his turn to buy a round.


This may get you slapped, but you'll pass it on anyway:

re all that silly spam about making $$$$ fast...
Are you REALLY interested in making $$$$ fast?

Here's an incredibly simple way to do it,
and there is nothing to buy,
no investment to make,
no money to lose!
Try it now!

Follow this simple procedure:

1) Hold down the shift key.
2) Hit the 4 key four times really fast.

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, February 6, 2011

Looks like Wisner might not get fired after all.


Also most countries now seem to favor Mubarak staying put and
overseeing the transition. The alternative, Mubarak taking the 
army and going off to guard the Suez Canal as his private
province, ostensibly to keep foreign countries from guarding it,
fell out of favor quickly. With a sudden departure of Mubarak, 
Egypt would be too disorganized, and there would be anarchy.
So, things are almost back to normal there, except for the
Olympic size crowd of reorters, of course. But that's good for
the tourist industry.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 575 Subscribers.             Countries


Q. Why does Santa wear red underwear?

A. He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.



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One late evening a redneck named Aldo came out of the local 
pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup truck and started driving 
home. He was on a lonely stretch of the road, when all of a 
sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Aldo gets 
out of his pickup truck, angry as hell and kicks the door real 
hard out of frustration and starts walking down the lonely road. 

About twenty minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of
fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along 
and stopped.

One of the fellas called out, "Whats the matter ole' friend?" 

Aldo says, "Piston-broke!" 

The same fella calls back, "Ya! we're pissed and broke too.
Get in the truck."





Click through the picture to the large version.

 

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.
John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had
wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and
we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better
in bed!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Australian Police have been unable to recommend a
prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be
able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As
their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make
payments via check.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that
under the present law they are unable to supply the
materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return
their customers' money in the form of a company check.

However, due to the name of the company, prominently displayed
on the check in bright red letters, few people will present these 
checks to their banks. The name the company uses on the checks:
"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Guild."


One day Little Johnny's teacher, decided to play a spelling game. She
gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting
with that letter, then use it in a sentence. Starting with "A" Little
Johnny's hand was continually in the air, but the teacher ignored him.
Little Johnny had a propensity for lewd remarks and could turn the
simplest of statements into sexual innuendo.  The teacher was afraid to
let Johnny use any letter that he could turn into a lewd statement.

"All right now, Susan, you first?" said the teacher.

"A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" answered Susan.

"Excellent " said the teacher.

She continues on through the alphabet.  Finally she reaches F. Now she
will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she
asks Mary.

"F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who lives among the
flowers", Mary replies.

"Great", says the teacher. "Now we get to G".

Only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and
decides "G" is a safe one.  "Yes Johnny?" She asks.

"G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too".

"Johnny! That's Excellent!" Exclaims the teacher, very happy that for
once he wasn't out of line.

Little Johnny goes on to say, "yes, teacher, he's the one who 
screws the fairies!"


Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob told
Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this
year I'm gonna do it a little different. 

The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. 
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. 
I went to Hawaii and Marie got pregnant. 

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, 
and Marie got pregnant again. 

Last year you suggested Tahiti, and darned if Marie didn't 
get pregnant again." 

Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year 
that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, February 6, 2011

Welcome Bubba!
Welcome Shirl!

Or do you really prefer "shirl" ?
Most people don't mind, when I capitalize the first letter 
of their first name, but some attach great significance to
that, and bitterly complain. Well, if I goofed, tell me and
I will change it back to a small "s".

I had noticed today, that my computer had slowed down,
but just blamed it on the ISP. On weekends they are always
even slower than during the week.

However, when FireFox got locked up by a routine connectivity
problem, from which it normally recovers quite well, I knew
it was time to reboot.

OK, OK, Dear Webby, I am doing it right and shut down all
programs first. Well, most of them anyway. I don't know what 
takes longer, shutting all programs down, or booting up.

Made more coffee while it was booting up and realized, this
was the first reboot in 2011. That Registry Booster must be
doing it's job!

It came on just as I came back with fresh coffee and found
almost 40 problems. Yes, sure, fix 'em!

I sure love this old machine after a reboot and Registry Boost.
It is over six years old, but runs circles around brand new
Windows 7 machines.

FireFox came up with two browsers, each with over 30 open
tabs, had not lost any at all!. 

So, back to work at top speed!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 575 Subscribers.             Countries


Q. Why does Santa wear red underwear?

A. He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.



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Morris sent me this. He is not picking on jews, he is jewish.
Play Kosher Millionaire

You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't
Mind Being a Kosher  Millionaire - You Should Only
Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you,
as follows:

1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.

Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your
Mother will give you her opinion.

Lets play:

For $100
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station
that crashed and burned on re-entry?

A. Oy Veys Mir

For $200
Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?

A. All right, everybody get in the car.

For $500
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahu.

For $1,000
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for
Jewish women?

A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for
Jewish women?

A. Debbila Does Windows

For $4,000
Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman
who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?

A. "The Plaintiff."

For $8,000
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his
playmates?

A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."

For $16,000
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus
become human?

A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000
Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands
soft and nails long and beautiful?

A. Nothing.

For $64,000
Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000
Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman
is about to have an orgasm?

A. She puts down her nail file.

For $250,000
Q. When should a Moyel retire?
A. When he can't cut it anymore.

For $500,000
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would
Cheetah be?
A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish
Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?

A. The accent.





Click through the picture to the large version.

 

This story is about an elderly couple sitting together watching
television.  During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" 

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, 
the wife replied, "You know, I don't know.  I don't even think we 
got a Christmas card from them this year."



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Johnny's dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny
scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush.

His dad says what the hell are you doing!

He says "there's no way I'm getting a cavity like my sister"


Judy is  in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs
wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head.

"There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife.

Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body. "That
must be the Chinese guy I slept with" she said.

Then one more scream and the baby’s white legs were born,
"Ah - that was the husbands bit" she said.

The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap,
then baby started crying.

The woman looked at the doctor and said "Thank God for that, I
was afraid, it was going to bark !!!"


After attending a community meeting that adjourned at 10 p.m., 
my mother realized she had locked her keys in the car. The
only place open was a bar and grill down the street. When 
Mom walked in, the bartender asked her what she'd like.

"I need a wire hanger," she replied.

"Lady," he said, "I've made a lot of drinks in my time, 
but  I've never heard of that one."

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, February 5, 2011

It warmed up a bit today, and of course the roads were a mess.
Long line-ups at all the car washes, and the price of windshield
washer fluid went up at most places, as their stock ran down.

People were actually paying $4 - $6 per jug, which I think is
a bit silly. Canadian Tire, Home Depot, Pro hardware, and 
probably all paint stores sell Methyl Hydrate for about $6 per
jug. 

To make winter grade windshield washer fluid, get some
bulk window cleaner, though not Chlorox brand. That one is
already thinned down too much. Then line up your empty
windshield washer fluid jugs, put a cup of window cleaner
into each, a cup of some citrus based surface cleaner,
and half a cup of methyl hydrate. Then top it off with water.
Don't shake it until the jug has a cap on.

You probably have seen or even used those tiny, outrageously
priced bottles of gas line anti-freeze or lock de-icer.
That's just Methyl Hydrate, Wood Alcohol, the $6 per gallon
stuff sold at $3 per ounce in really cutesy widdle boddles.
You can refill those too, while you are at it.

How many of you are going to get off your butt and get some
Methyl Hydrate?

If half of you do it, and half of those, who do it, send me
half the money you save that way, I could pay a lot of 
overdue bills. Well, I can dream!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


Thanks Moe!

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and 
that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males 
employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist 
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was 
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat 
him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, 
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and 
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me 
for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, 
and $3,000 a month living expenses."



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Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see a drunk
fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him
up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too
drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him
home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he
falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's
feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again,
but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him
to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him
to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my
husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"




Click through the picture to the large version.

 

One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower.
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down  to
three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer
would get the job.

The question was:  There is a man and a woman in bed, naked.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back.  What is the man's name?
Well, after the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first one says " My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says  " My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."

The third one says  " I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names,  it's either Willie Turner or  Willie Taylor."



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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A Texan made a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled 
over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his driver's license, 
insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr.  Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  
Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  
That's about it."

"Mr.  Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a damned thing..."


He'd been up in New York recently for the Cowboys - New York game. 
He was having a drink in a bar when an attractive woman sat down next 
to him.

"Hello, honey," he said. "I'm Oliver from down around"

"Don't tell me," she smiled, laying a hand on his forearm.  
"You're from Texas, right?"

"How'd you know?" he asked.

"You called me 'honey', your name's Oliver, 'n you sure seem tall
sitting there on that bar stool"

"Well, you're right," he replied, "but I have to tell you I'm not
really that tall ~  I'm just sitting on my wallet."

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, February 4, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from
mediocre minds.
--- Albert Einstein

If you got scary emails about the Internet being full, because
the last block of IP numbers has been allocated, don't worry
about it. That's just to panic the scheeple. 

We will shut down the Internet on April 1 for general cleaning,
and after that, there will be plenty of space again.

They allocated the last block of the IPv4 set. The IPv6 set,
that was started in 1999, has enough addresses for Millions
of years yet. We finished giving out the address labels, that
were in the small wallet. No we can slowly get used to the
big warehouse full of labels with IPv6 format.

Routers and browsers take care of that. Unless you play
the lotteries with the IP numbers of your favorite domain,
It won't affect you in the least.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 573 Subscribers.             Countries


A ninety year old was talking to a younger friend:
"I finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about
declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I almost
couldn't afford cigarettes any more!"



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One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm,
knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over at the cow barn."

"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am.
Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"Shouldn't. He's the one with no horns,
but he has a beard and a mustache."





Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl,
and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth t's got a moustache...
It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


An older woman went to the gynecologist.

He told her she was in perfect health, had the body of an
eighteen-year-old. She was so excited she ran home to tell
her husband. "Oh yeah?" he said snidely. "What about your
fat ass?"

"He didn't say anything about you."


A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main
requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets
an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries
him.

On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom &
get ready. You get things ready out here."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the
furniture out in the hall.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos
we'd need all the room we can get"