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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, February 6, 2011

Welcome Bubba!
Welcome Shirl!

Or do you really prefer "shirl" ?
Most people don't mind, when I capitalize the first letter 
of their first name, but some attach great significance to
that, and bitterly complain. Well, if I goofed, tell me and
I will change it back to a small "s".

I had noticed today, that my computer had slowed down,
but just blamed it on the ISP. On weekends they are always
even slower than during the week.

However, when FireFox got locked up by a routine connectivity
problem, from which it normally recovers quite well, I knew
it was time to reboot.

OK, OK, Dear Webby, I am doing it right and shut down all
programs first. Well, most of them anyway. I don't know what 
takes longer, shutting all programs down, or booting up.

Made more coffee while it was booting up and realized, this
was the first reboot in 2011. That Registry Booster must be
doing it's job!

It came on just as I came back with fresh coffee and found
almost 40 problems. Yes, sure, fix 'em!

I sure love this old machine after a reboot and Registry Boost.
It is over six years old, but runs circles around brand new
Windows 7 machines.

FireFox came up with two browsers, each with over 30 open
tabs, had not lost any at all!. 

So, back to work at top speed!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 575 Subscribers.             Countries


Q. Why does Santa wear red underwear?

A. He's a man--he did all his laundry in one load.



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Morris sent me this. He is not picking on jews, he is jewish.
Play Kosher Millionaire

You have been selected to play "So You Wouldn't
Mind Being a Kosher  Millionaire - You Should Only
Live So Long." You have three lifelines to help you,
as follows:

1. You may call your Rabbi for his opinion.
2. You may ask the congregation for their opinion.
3. You may consider your spouse's opinion ... or not.

Bonus lifeline! Whether you ask for it or not, your
Mother will give you her opinion.

Lets play:

For $100
Q. What is the name of the Russian Space Station
that crashed and burned on re-entry?

A. Oy Veys Mir

For $200
Q. How does a Jewish woman call her family to dinner?

A. All right, everybody get in the car.

For $500
Q. Who is Israel's favorite Internet provider?
A. Netanyahu.

For $1,000
Q. What is the name of a facial lotion made for
Jewish women?

A. Oil of Oy Vey.

For $2,000
Q. What is the title of the new horror film for
Jewish women?

A. Debbila Does Windows

For $4,000
Q. What is the technical term for a Jewish woman
who catches her husband in the act with his secretary?

A. "The Plaintiff."

For $8,000
Q. How does a Jewish kid verbally abuse his
playmates?

A. "Nyah Nyah, Your Mother pays retail."

For $16,000
Q. In the Jewish doctrine, when does the fetus
become human?

A. When it graduates from medical school.

For $32,000
Q. What do Jewish women do to keep their hands
soft and nails long and beautiful?

A. Nothing.

For $64,000
Q. Define "Genius."
A. A "C" student with a Jewish mother.

For $125,000
Q. How do you know when a Jewish woman
is about to have an orgasm?

A. She puts down her nail file.

For $250,000
Q. When should a Moyel retire?
A. When he can't cut it anymore.

For $500,000
Q. If Tarzan and Jane were Jewish, what would
Cheetah be?
A. A fur coat.

For $1,000,000
Q. What is the difference between a Jewish
Grandmother and an Italian Grandmother?

A. The accent.





Click through the picture to the large version.

 

This story is about an elderly couple sitting together watching
television.  During one of the commercials, the husband asked his wife,
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?" 

After a long thoughtful silence, and during the next commercial, 
the wife replied, "You know, I don't know.  I don't even think we 
got a Christmas card from them this year."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Johnny's dad walks into the bathroom and sees Johnny
scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush.

His dad says what the hell are you doing!

He says "there's no way I'm getting a cavity like my sister"


Judy is  in the labor ward of the general hospital, legs
wide, lets out a loud yell and out pops a little black head.

"There was this black guy once" she said to the midwife.

Then she screamed again and out pops a yellow body. "That
must be the Chinese guy I slept with" she said.

Then one more scream and the baby’s white legs were born,
"Ah - that was the husbands bit" she said.

The doctor held up the multicolored baby and gave it a slap,
then baby started crying.

The woman looked at the doctor and said "Thank God for that, I
was afraid, it was going to bark !!!"


After attending a community meeting that adjourned at 10 p.m., 
my mother realized she had locked her keys in the car. The
only place open was a bar and grill down the street. When 
Mom walked in, the bartender asked her what she'd like.

"I need a wire hanger," she replied.

"Lady," he said, "I've made a lot of drinks in my time, 
but  I've never heard of that one."

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, February 5, 2011

It warmed up a bit today, and of course the roads were a mess.
Long line-ups at all the car washes, and the price of windshield
washer fluid went up at most places, as their stock ran down.

People were actually paying $4 - $6 per jug, which I think is
a bit silly. Canadian Tire, Home Depot, Pro hardware, and 
probably all paint stores sell Methyl Hydrate for about $6 per
jug. 

To make winter grade windshield washer fluid, get some
bulk window cleaner, though not Chlorox brand. That one is
already thinned down too much. Then line up your empty
windshield washer fluid jugs, put a cup of window cleaner
into each, a cup of some citrus based surface cleaner,
and half a cup of methyl hydrate. Then top it off with water.
Don't shake it until the jug has a cap on.

You probably have seen or even used those tiny, outrageously
priced bottles of gas line anti-freeze or lock de-icer.
That's just Methyl Hydrate, Wood Alcohol, the $6 per gallon
stuff sold at $3 per ounce in really cutesy widdle boddles.
You can refill those too, while you are at it.

How many of you are going to get off your butt and get some
Methyl Hydrate?

If half of you do it, and half of those, who do it, send me
half the money you save that way, I could pay a lot of 
overdue bills. Well, I can dream!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


Thanks Moe!

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. 
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and 
that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males 
employed there. She then asked if she could help the gentleman.

The man said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist 
assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was 
that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat 
him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, 
but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and 
severe embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me 
for it." The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the
absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, 
and $3,000 a month living expenses."



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Two guys walk into a bar, and immediately they see a drunk
fall right off his stool, flat on his ass. So they pick him
up, and being good Samaritans, decide that this guy's too
drunk to walk by himself, and figure they should walk him
home.

So they stand him up and try to get him to walk, but he
falls flat on his face. They pick him up, and the guy's
feet are dragging on the ground.

They go a couple of blocks and try to get him to walk again,
but nope, he falls flat on his face.

They get him to his apartment eventually, and try to get him
to walk up the stairs, but he falls again. So they drag him
to his apartment, and knock on his door.

The guy's wife answers and says "Oh, thanks for bringing my
husband back. Where's his wheelchair?"




Click through the picture to the large version.

 

One day a little boy walked in on his mother in the shower.
A company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they
interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down  to
three people.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the
same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer
would get the job.

The question was:  There is a man and a woman in bed, naked.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man
is lying on his side facing the woman's back.  What is the man's name?
Well, after the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their
answers.

The first one says " My answer is, there is no answer."

The second one says  " My answer is, that there is no way to determine
the answer with the information we were given."

The third one says  " I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down
to two names,  it's either Willie Turner or  Willie Taylor."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A Texan made a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled 
over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his driver's license, 
insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr.  Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit.  
Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket.  
There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box.  
And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says.  "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun.  
That's about it."

"Mr.  Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of....?"

"Not a damned thing..."


He'd been up in New York recently for the Cowboys - New York game. 
He was having a drink in a bar when an attractive woman sat down next 
to him.

"Hello, honey," he said. "I'm Oliver from down around"

"Don't tell me," she smiled, laying a hand on his forearm.  
"You're from Texas, right?"

"How'd you know?" he asked.

"You called me 'honey', your name's Oliver, 'n you sure seem tall
sitting there on that bar stool"

"Well, you're right," he replied, "but I have to tell you I'm not
really that tall ~  I'm just sitting on my wallet."

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, February 4, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Computers are not intelligent.
They only think they are.

Great spirits have always found violent opposition from
mediocre minds.
--- Albert Einstein

If you got scary emails about the Internet being full, because
the last block of IP numbers has been allocated, don't worry
about it. That's just to panic the scheeple. 

We will shut down the Internet on April 1 for general cleaning,
and after that, there will be plenty of space again.

They allocated the last block of the IPv4 set. The IPv6 set,
that was started in 1999, has enough addresses for Millions
of years yet. We finished giving out the address labels, that
were in the small wallet. No we can slowly get used to the
big warehouse full of labels with IPv6 format.

Routers and browsers take care of that. Unless you play
the lotteries with the IP numbers of your favorite domain,
It won't affect you in the least.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 573 Subscribers.             Countries


A ninety year old was talking to a younger friend:
"I finally kicked the habit. I'm a free man. From now on, no
more sex. I'm going to be celibate for the rest of my life!"

Friend: "Wow! What happened? Are you concerned about
declining health?"

Ninety-year-old: "No, I'm concerned about my declining
wealth. That darn Viagra was so expensive, I almost
couldn't afford cigarettes any more!"



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One day a salesman stopped by the Jammer Jones farm,
knocked, and Jammer's wife Frannie came to the door.

"Is your husband home, Ma'am?" he asked.

"Sure is. He's over at the cow barn."

"Well, I have some important items to show him, Ma'am.
Will I have any difficulty finding him?"

"Shouldn't. He's the one with no horns,
but he has a beard and a mustache."





Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl,
and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth t's got a moustache...
It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


An older woman went to the gynecologist.

He told her she was in perfect health, had the body of an
eighteen-year-old. She was so excited she ran home to tell
her husband. "Oh yeah?" he said snidely. "What about your
fat ass?"

"He didn't say anything about you."


A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main
requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets
an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries
him.

On their honeymoon she says "I'm going to the bathroom &
get ready. You get things ready out here."

When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the
furniture out in the hall.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos
we'd need all the room we can get"

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, February 3, 2011

"Why, if it’s a health care law, does Obamacare require 
16,000 new IRS agents, not 16,000 new doctors?"
--- Rush Limbaugh

Because it will provide gainful employment for 50,000 lawyers.

Don't be so selfish, always considering what's in it for you!
Think about all the poor lawyers and their pressing BMW 
payments!

If you get really sick and need urgent care, you can always
haul your money to Mexico, just like a lot of Canadians do.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


The traveling salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he
needed a trim before the next day's meeting, he called down to the desk
clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the
hall is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the appropriate machine,
inserted fifty cents, and stuck his head in the opening. Moments later,
he pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the
best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign which read, "Manicures -
25 cents."

"Why not?" thought the salesman. He inserted twenty-five cents, and
stuck his hands into the slot. Moments later, he pulled them out and
they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a huge sign which read, "This Machine Provides What
Men Need Most When Away from Their Wives - 50 cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put in fifty cents, then unzipped his fly
and stuck his penis into the opening. The machine started buzzing, and
the guy let out a shriek of agony. Moments later, the machine shut off
and, with trembling hands, the salesman withdrew his penis to find a
button sewn to the tip.



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A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida
and happened to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms
along the road. After seeing the sights, they engaged
in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.

"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a
dangerous job. Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
"Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler.
"Well," she continued, "just what do you do when
you're bitten by a snake?"

"I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and
as soon as I am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks
across the fang entry and then suck the poison from
the wound."

"What, uh... what would happen if you were to
accidentally *sit* on a rattler?" persisted the woman.

"Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the
day I learn who my real friends are."



Click through the picture to the large version.




Click through the picture to the large version.

 

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go
through life  thinking they had no faults at all.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and
connected with an auto mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have two
lips and seven kisses?" He said, "No..But I have two balls and six
inches." 
She responded, "Is that a record?" 

He replied, "No...But it's a damn good average"



The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company
in a remote post in the desert. During his first inspection,
he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

"Well, sir," is the nervous reply, "as you know, there are
250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men
have ...m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel, sir." 

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I 
understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having a real 
problem with his own urges. Crazy with passion, 
he asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. 
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands
on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane 
sex with the camel.

When he is done, he asks the First Sergeant, "Is that how
the men do it?"

"Uh, no sir," the First Sergeant replies, "we just ride
the camel into town, where the girls are."

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, February2, 2011

I was glad to read that Arizona enacted a law against the 
Westboro Perverts, keeping them 300 feet from any funeral.
Without that, I would have expected a brief but noisy rumble 
in Tucson. There are usually a LOT of bikers in Tucson
at this time of year, and would have pitied the cops, that
have to protect the perverts.

So I am glad to see that Arizona joins the ranks of the
states, that have laws keeping the Westboro Perverts away
from funerals.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 574 Subscribers.             Countries


The primary school teacher was preparing the class for their
annual concert. Some children were to sing songs, others
recite poetry and some to play  musical instruments.

Little Alfie had just come back from a visit to the country 
and  the teacher asked him if he would like to do some 
farmyard impressions.  Alfie thought this was a great idea.

On the night of the concert, Alfie nervously walked onto the
stage. The teacher announced: "Now Alfie is going to do
some farmyard impressions and share with us the most
memorable sounds he heard on the farm."

Then, cupping his hands to his mouth, Alfie yelled at the
top of his voice,
"Get the @#$% off that f@#$%n' tractor!"



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A couple are lying in bed.  The man says, "I am going to make
you the happiest woman in the world!"

The woman says, dryly, "The dog will miss you."



Click through the picture to the large version.

 


An Amish couple had just been married and went to a hotel 
for their honeymoon. The Amish woman went to the front 
desk and asked for a room, while the man carried the luggage 
to the lobby. She said this occasion was very special to them 
and they needed a good room.

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?" 

The Amish woman thought about it a while and then replied, 
"No, I guess not, I'll just hold onto his ears until he gets 
used to it."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Lena folded and put away Ole's underwear. Ole took out a pair the next
morning and noticed there was powder all over the crotch area.

He started to shake the powder out and said, "Darn it, Lena, I vish you
vouldn't put so much talcum powder in my undervear."

Lena replied, "Dat's not talcum powder, Ole. Dat's Miracle Gro!"


A 70 year-old woman went to the doctor for a check up. 
The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular activity 
and recommended that she engage in sexual activity three 
times a week.

A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor,
"Please tell my husband."

The doctor went out into the waiting room and told
the husband that his   wife needed sex three times a week.

The 75 year-old husband asked, "Which days?"

The doctor answered, "Monday, Wednesday, and Friday,
would be ideal."

The husband said, I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, 
but on Fridays, she'll have to take the bus."