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Good Morning 
It's Monday, February 28, 2011

I want to send my best wishes for a speedy recovery to DearWebby.
Pneumonia plus COPD is pretty serious stuff! I would be in hospital
moaning and groaning and feeling sorry for myself.

Had to laugh about his reminisces about how they used to drain lungs
in the Yukon. I just know where he would hang on, if given half a
chance! I doubt, though, that those quaint methods are still
being used today. They too probably use drugs nowadays.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries


A little boy and a little girl were walking in the forest. The
little girl noticed that some of the animals were behaving oddly.
"Little boy, why is that rabbit on top that other one"? she asked. 

The little boy stops to consider his answer, and replies, 
"they're making cigarettes". 

"Cigarettes"! she says, as they countinue walking along.
Pretty soon they approach a couple of racoons. The little girl asked,
"are they making cigarettes too"? 

"Yea," says the Little boy. The little girl looks around and says 
"It looks like all the animals are making cigarettes today." 

"Why don't we make cigarettes?" she asked. The little boy
was quick to say, "Ok"! A short time latter the little boy and the
little girl were walking out of the woods, when she asked, "Little boy,
what kinda cigarettes did we make"? 

The little boy stops to think about his answer, then replies,
"Well if you get a hump in your belly it's a Camel, 
and if you don't it's a Lucky Strike".



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Two couples were playing cards.

Eric accidentally  dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down
under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was
not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Eric hit his head on the
table and emerged redfaced.

Later when Eric went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Sandy
followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you
liked?"

Eric admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said  "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Eric indicates that he is interested.

She tells him that since Dave works  Friday afternoons and Eric doesn't,
that Eric should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.

Friday came and Eric went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the
$100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Eric
left.

Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Eric come by this
afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Eric give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did
give me $100."

"Good," Dave says. "Eric came by the office this morning and borrowed
the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home
and pay me  back.  It's so good to have a friend you can trust."





Click through the picture to the large version.

Ersfjordbotn

 


An Eskimo's snowmobile goes on the fritz. He takes it to a
mechanic, who, after examining the vehicle, says, "I think
you've blown a seal."

To which the Eskimo replies, "No, that's just a little ice
on my mustache."



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an
old, abandoned mine shaft. Curious about its depth they
threw in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking
the bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a
bigger rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They
searched the area for something larger and came upon a
railroad tie. With great difficulty , the two men carried it
to the opening and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit
bottom, a goat suddenly darted between them and leapt into
the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks
upon their faces from the actions of the goat when a man
walked up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat
anywhere in the area and they said that one had just jumped
into the mine shaft in front of them! The man replied, 'Oh
no. That couldn't be *my* goat, mine was tied to a railroad
tie.'

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, February 26, 2011

So far nobdoy found $5 worth of coins in the couch.
Did your spouse confiscate your allowance ?

One gent inquired about the cost of updates for his site.
Jim, included in that, of course, is favorable mention in here,
and a nice, permanent link!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries


Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public
swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said
the lifeguard. "I'm going to kick you out."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"May be," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving
board!"



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Little Benny came home from his first day of school and said,  "Mommy,
the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and  sisters who
will be coming to my school." 

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. 
What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?" 

She just said, "Thank goodness!"





Click through the picture to the large version.

 


Sitting in the bar a man asked his friend, "You're 40 years old. How
come you are not married?"

His friend replied: "I just haven't found the right woman yet.

The man then asked, "What's the right woman like?"

The friend thought for a moment and said, "She's got to be real pretty,
love to screw, be a good cook and house keeper. She also has to 
have a really good personality, lots of money and a big house."

The first man snorted, "A woman like that would be crazy to marry 
an idiot like YOU!"

His friend answered, "That's OK, I don't care if she's crazy"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One
of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making
several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest
was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human
waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible
face.

Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the
bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.

The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"

And the drunk replied, "I just beat the shit out of a
ghost!"

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, February 26, 2011
Did I mention often enough, so that even YOU would see it,
that I design beautiful web pages? Apparently I didn't, because
so far not a single subscriber has ordered a page.

If you can doodle what you want onto a paper sack, scan it
and email or fax it, I can do the rest.

$5 a month for a small business or family site, $11 for a
large site. And I do same day updating, unless you want to
do that yourself.

Yeah, I know, DearWebby does it for 50 cents less, but I am
a LOT cuter than the old curmudgeon is.

So, how about lifting some couch pillows and checking to see,
if you can afford a web site?

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries


Thanks to Bill K. for this one:
A recent study found that 35% of men have been
injured while undoing a woman's bra.  That's correct.
While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men
have received strained tendons, scratches, and other
similar injuries.  Actually, Bill can vouch for that.

He got injured today while trying to undo a woman's
bra. When he undid the woman in front of him in the
checkout line at the store, she turned and hit hit with
a frozen turkey.



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The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.

"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing
who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was
your age, I never even thought about sex."

In unison they all yelled, "You win!"



FINALLY revealed!


Click through the picture to the large version.
Why some people wear turtle-necks

 


A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the young
couple next door and said,
"Do you see that couple? How devoted they are?
He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband.
"You go sidetrack her hubby, and I'll go kiss her."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


A nurse was showing some student nurses through the hospital.
"This is the most hazardous section in the hospital for you.
The men on this floor are almost well."

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, February 25, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

-32º right now. No sign of Gulible Warming around here.
Even the noisiest Algorian fear mongers have shut up and are
desperately searching for something else to make the sheeple
feel guilty about.

Some are still sniveling about the Tar Sands. They just can't
get it into their boney heads, that it's a clean-up project. The oily
dirt is dug out, steam-cleaned, put back in, and stuff planted on it.
I don't see anything wrong with that!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


The mistress of an English manor had just hired a new house maid, an
Irish lass, straight out of the country.


The first day she was dusting in the Smoking room where the Master of
the house sat reading. On the mantel, she saw and dusted a small bowl
containing a couple of small round white balls. She, being curious and
not bashful, asked, "What are these?"

He looked up, saw where she was pointing, and answered, "Golf balls."

She said, "OH!", and went on dusting.

A few days later, she was dusting again in the same room, where the
master was again reading. Again, in the same bowl were small white
balls, only now there were four. She said, "I see you shot another
Golf."



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"If pussy is not meant to be eaten, then
why is it shaped like a taco?"

I thought this was pretty funny so I told it
to everyone I talked to.  Later that day I was
getting ready to go home and I called
my wife to see what was for dinner.

"Tacos," she said.

I busted out laughing and told her the joke.
She laughed.

The next day we went through the same
routine. "What's for dinner?" I asked.

"The girls and I are having stew," said
my wife. "You're having leftovers."




Click through the picture to the large version.
Monsanto, Portugal

 


Sam and Bessie are senior citizens and Sam always wanted an
expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing some on
sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking
Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday
and the same pants. What's different?" 

Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and 
comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. 

Again he says, "Bessie, do younotice anything different?" 
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was 
hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down tomorrow." 

Angrily Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 
'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!!!!"

Bessie replies, "Sure wish you woulda bought a hat!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one
of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up
to the woman behind the counter and said.

"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of
bras in every shape, size color and material.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really
only three types of bras." she explained.

Perplexed, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic bra, the Salvation
Army bra, and the Baptist bra."

The man asked
"What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "Well, The Catholic bra supports the
masses, the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen, and
the and the Baptist bra makes mountains out of mole hills.

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, February 24, 2011

The European media is really jumping at Gaddafi.


Keep in mind, that is the same media, that reported Gaddafi had
left, when he was briefly chased out of Tripoli.



He does look rather worried, and so do his bodyguards.
Gaddafi is not really a tiny little runt, except when compared 
to his bodyuards.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. 
They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, 
the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. 

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, 
"Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless
of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 
a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my 
Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife 
exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, 
I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to 
help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "if you quit pinching the oxygen 
supply line, that officer taking pictures might not haul you
off to jail, and you'll be able to enjoy those things a lot more."



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You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, 
when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people 
waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, 
knowing that there could only be one passenger 
in your car?

THINK  before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once 
actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to 
die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved 
your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay 
him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect 
mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)  
had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him 
take the old lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner 
of my dreams."




Click through the picture to the large version.

 


A new bride went to her doctor for a check up.
Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she
asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging
between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/
purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of
the penis."

The bride then asks "What are those 2 round
things about 15 inches from the head of the
penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know,
but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"




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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Mr. Boudreaux was a typical, uneducated Bayou  man. De Census man...he
come to de Bayou and he's takin' down all dis infomation. He say to Mr.
Boudreaux, "Just fill in this part of de form and I'll be on my way."

Mr. Boudreaux says, "Well, you'll have to come sit by the side of me and
fill it out cause I can't read or write." 

So de Census man..he sit down by the side of Mr. Boudreaux and 
he begin askin questions and writin' on de form. Pretty soon he 
comes to de end of de form and he say to Mr. Boudreaux, 

"Just sign it down der at de bottom." Boudreaux says, 

"You already know I don't read or write...I can't sign dat 
form!" 

So de Census man, he says, "Just make an X." 

So Boudreaux, he make a great big X at de bottom 
and a little, itty bitty one right beside of it. The
Census man, he says, "what's wiff dat little bitty x 
next to de big one?

Boudreaux, he says, "I'm Bodeaux Junior!"