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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 5, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later." At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck." Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come." He said. "Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person. "State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said. "Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord." "Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven." And off the nun went. "Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life." "I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious." "Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?" "Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having sex every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl. "Here is a key made of Brass." he said. "Is that the key to Hell?!" "No, this is the key, for my apartment." 
This Lady needed her bedroom painted. She called a painter to paint it for her. He came and painted it a beautiful color. She was so proud of it. That night her husband came home, and she said, "Look honey, what a beautiful room." The husband, being tired, leaned his hand against the wall and told her how pretty it was, but the paint, still being wet, smeared a little. The lady was rather upset that he had smeared the wall. The next day, the painter comes over to get paid, and the lady says, "Oh, you must come in and see where my husband put his hand last night." The painter replied, "Sorry, I shouldn't do that, lady, but I will split a beer with you." According researchers at the University of Illinois, you can tell what type of a person a guy is by what he first looks at. *Butt lovers are self-centered and a little introverted. Socially inactive and self-absorbed, they enjoy the outdoors and summer time. *Leg men are social animals. They love to party, care about others but tend to be rather insecure. *A guy who checks out your eyes is a typical "nice guy." They are always losing women to jerks and don't know why. Very sensitive to other's feelings. *Finger and toe lovers like variety and they get bored easily. *Boob guys are independent and secure. They are reliable and predictable, easily conned with rewards, but neglect or withdrawal kills their loyalty and makes them look elsewhere. Hmmmm Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there ARE little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. Thus, these creatures are called "Fliers Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know, one step ahead of the competition. Those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those whose standard responses to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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♠ Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 4, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two "seasoned drinkers" were having an argument as to who made the best home-brewed beer. They eventually decided to place a $50 bet on whose beer was the better, and to decide the winner, sent it for chemical analysis to a reputable laboratory for testing. A week later they received the reply: "After extensive testing of both samples, we are unanimous in our conclusion - neither of these unfortunate horses should ever race again!" A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening while she is getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bust line 44." Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what had happened, and in minutes they both return. This time, the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my penis touch the floor!" Again, there is a bright flash, and both his legs fall off. 
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman replied, with a smile, "Very sporting of your Mother." A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him. He gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while." Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs, and sees the door to his parent's bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother, and takes him upstairs to peek into the bedroom. "Before you look in there," he says, "Keep in mind this is the same woman who paddled our butts for sucking our thumbs." Jill and Linda went shopping and ended up in the bathing suit department. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since Jill had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought Linda's advice. "What do you think?" Jill asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," Linda replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, February 3, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The tensions of life were threatening to get a strangle hold on Bill, and after he'd finished a good dinner, he relaxed mindlessly in a soft chair next to the stereo, with a stiff drink in his hand. His wife knew nothing of his nervous state, and she climbed onto his lap with the thought of trying to wheedle a fur cot out of him, and snuggled and murmured and fondled. "Good heavens, Ethel," he exploded, "get off of me! I get enough of this at the office." Man discovered weapons, invented hunting. Woman discovered hunting, invented furs. Man discovered colors, invented painting. Woman discovered painting, invented make-up. Man discovered speech, invented conversation. Woman discovered conversation, invented gossip. Man discovered agriculture, invented food. Woman discovered food, invented diet. Man discovered friendship, invented love. Woman discovered love, invented marriage. Man discovered woman, invented sex. Woman discovered sex, invented headache. Man discovered trade, invented money. Woman discovered money, man was finished after that. 
From Bob: I guess some things will never change. I recently hired a temp to fill in while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn. The temp replied, "Well ... the minimum I could possibly work for is three hundred a week." I told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. The temp shook her head and replied, "With pleasure, it'll be $400 a week." From Liz: SEND THIS WARNING TO EVERYONE ON YOUR EMAIL LIST. IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM. HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS. I WISH I'D GOTTEN THIS YESTERDAY. I FEEL SO STUPID. I PROBABLY COULD HAVE CHARGED HIM A FEW BUCKS FOR THAT! LIZ
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 2, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Happy with their two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters but wanting a son, a middle-aged couple decided to try one last time. After months of effort, the wife finally became pregnant, and nine months later she delivered a healthy baby boy. The happy father rushed to the nursery to see his new son and was horrified to discover that the child was the ugliest he had ever seen. The man went back to his wife. "There's no way I could be the father of that baby! Look at the two beautiful daughters we've had!" He glared at his wife. "Have you been fooling around on me?" His wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time." Church Bulletin board bleeper: I was hungry and you gave me something to eat; I was thirty and you gave me something to drink. 
There was this really old guy at an old-timer's dance who hadn't had any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with the grandmas all night, but he still hadn't scored. Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said, "Listen, I'm having no luck scoring a woman. How about coming back to my place for a piece? I'll give you $20 if you oblige!" "I'm willing, let's go," she said. They arrived back at his place, and after a bit of foreplay, they headed for the bedroom. The old guy loved the sex and couldn't get over how tight the old grandma was for such an old woman. Surely she's got to be a virgin. After the wonderful performance, he rolled over and said, "Wow! Lady, if I had known you were a virgin, I would have given you $25! " Surprised, she replied, "If I had known you were actually going to get an erection, I would have taken off my pantyhose!" A woman turned to a man sitting beside her in a bar and said; "Drinking makes you look handsome, darling." He looked a little surprised and answered, "but I haven't had a drink yet." She smiled and said, "no, but I have had a few!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow!http://www.fotosearch.com/photos-images/rodent.html Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 1, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
A people that values its privileges above its principles
soon loses both.
--- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. "Quick!" she said to the man, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!" "Where's the back door?", the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. "There isn't one", she replied. "Where would you like one?" he asked. teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry." Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!" 
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. The priest asks, "What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." To get ready for Valentines Day, you guys might want to study up on knowing how to say "I LOVE YOU" in 20 different languages: 1. English.................I Love You 2. Spanish................Te Amo 3. French..................Je T'aime 4. German................Ich Liebe Dich 5. Japanese..............Ai Shite Imasu 6. Italian..................Ti Amo 7. Chinese................Wo Ai Ni 8. Swedish...............Jag Alskar 9. - 20. Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, North Carolina, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee :..................Nice Tits ! For women it's of course the same in all languages. You grin, and open one button more than absolutely necessary. "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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