Good Morning 
It's Sunday, February 28, 2010

Enjoy!


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Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in
 Florida have in common? Either way, somebody's fixin' to lose a
 trailer.


An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the
receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will
prepared.  The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment
for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.

The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all
my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out.  Would
it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?"

The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he
went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate
and the will.  The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please
tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be
distributed under your will?"

She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here,
I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank."

"Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to
be distributed?"

The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive
life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to
notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral."

The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have
a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting
impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But
tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the
remaining $5,000?"

The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've
lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept
with a man.  Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to
arrange for a man to sleep with me."

"This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but
I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That
evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric
spinster and her weird request.  After thinking about how much she
could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing,
she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself.

She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the
car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the
spinster's house and waited while he went into the house.  She waited
for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the
car horn.

Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck
his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow!  She's going to
let the County bury her!"






A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side
of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which
she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest
had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his
hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately
said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He
forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was
unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide
up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father,
remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest
apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a
meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go
forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


From Deb
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. 
The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm 
animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. 
He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing 
anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed 
so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill
to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!"
said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"


My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing
businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that
he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise
himself And because he was still single, he could check out
all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky.

As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he
only spoke English--neither understood a word the other
spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went
for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table
in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they
went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted.
They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and
had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she
motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster
bed.

He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able
to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, February 27, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard
that the Pope was on the same flight.

"This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been
a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the
seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was
too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.
This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at
crosswords. Perhaps -- if the Pope gets stuck -- he'll ask
me for assistance.

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and
said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word
referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?"

Only one word leapt to mind... my goodness, thought the
gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be
another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it
hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think
you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"


A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they
got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean ?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to
explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and
I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but
willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her
legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.

"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.

"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said.

On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man
immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are
you going ?" she asked, to which he replied : "If you think
I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!






 Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a
 sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th'
 bag?' "Jes' some chickens." If I guesses how many they is, kin I have
 one?" 
 "Shoot, I don't really like chickn. If ya guesses right, I' give you both of 'em!"
 
 "Okay......Ummmmmmm ....Three?"


 An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next
 door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here muh
 house is on fahr!" 
 
 "Okay," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?"
 
 "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"


 Ida Mae was dying and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba
 that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked
 the operator. 
 
 Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." 
 
 The  operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" 
 
 After a long pause, Bubba  said, "How 'bout I hitch her to the snow blower
 and drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Friday, February 26, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in
a while 'the lights would turn off.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the
restroom?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue
of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just
long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you
like a drink?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf
on that statue, the lights go out.

Now, how about that drink?'


Bob was trying to avoid the draft, so he went down to the 
Draft Board wearing lipstick.

"Do you always wear lipstick?" asked the Sargeant.

Bob, feeling confident this will keep him from being drafted, 
replies, "Oh yes ALWAYS."

The Sergeant smiles and says, "Okay good. We'll send you 
to Alaska. You won't get chapped lips."



Russian Cell Phones beat the silly airport scanners!


A husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of
duty. The husband and wife were furiously making love
upstairs when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut
somewhere else in the house.

The husband said jokingly, "Oh no! That must be your husband
coming home."

And the wife replies, "Nah. He's in the Navy... Oh, @#$%! ."


Chad was admitted to the hospital for a complete check-up.
At 11:30AM, they brought him some soup for lunch, which he
flatly refused. At 2:00PM, they again attempted to serve him
some soup, which he refused.

Again, at 4:30PM and 7:00PM, they tried to serve him some
soup and he turned it down both times, so they gave up.

In preparation for the following day's tests, they entered
his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and administered an
enema each time.

When Chad returned home from the hospital after all the
tests had been done, he said to his wife, "Honey, whatever
you do, if you ever have to go to that hospital and they
try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak
in while you're sleeping and shove it up your butt!"


The gynecologist stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm
sorry," he reported, "but I'm going to have to remove that vibrator
surgically if you're going to be able to have sexual intercourse again."

"Forget it. It's not worth it," retorted the woman on the examination table.
Then she thought for a moment. "Tell you what - just replace the batteries."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, February 25, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house
knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is
BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured
it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the
light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the
past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them ... 2
DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light
bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE
WRAPPER  THE STUPID F@*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER
CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE
PILES OF DAMN GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. AND THE
HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS F@*$!#@! HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?


A commercial traveller was passing through
a small town when he came upon a huge
funeral procession.

"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.

"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think
it's the one in the coffin."






Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife
lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red
bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been
ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the
nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going
on here, who did this to you?"

His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one Doug, Whenever I try to
smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!"


A woman is very distressed because she has not been married for
very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So she goes to see her doctor, and tells him the problem.

The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this
is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal
instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuts on
her husbands cereal every morning without telling him, and little
by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes
her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress
report.

A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her
husband is.

"He's dead," she replies

"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"

The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls,
and I backed over him with the car.


There once were this wife and her husband playing golf. They
both hit their balls at the same time. Their balls went off
in different directions. When the wife found her ball, it
was right in the middle of the buttercups. She hit the ball
and destroyed the beautiful flowers. So, Mother Nature came
down and said, "Since you have destroyed my buttercups, you
will hate the taste of butter for the rest of your life."

She was devastated. Then she called over to her husband,
"Where did your ball land?" And he said, "In a pile of
pussywillows!"

As he was about to hit it she shouted, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!
PLEASE DON'T HIT THE BALL!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Did you hear about the man who never worried about his
marriage until he moved from New York to California and
discovered that he still had the same postman ?


A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the
husband headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway
down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the
hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there
wearing nothing more than a condom.

The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what
are you doing?"

The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control,
started with a bullshit story. "Son, I'm trying to catch a
mouse."

The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when
ya catch it ... screw it?"






A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She
decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck
driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up.
The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?"

"Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest
gas station."

The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me!
No fuck, no ride."

She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly."

So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a
parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck,
no ride! No fuck, no ride!"
The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna
throw you in back with the chickens!"

About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no
ride!" So the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in
back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the
road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he
pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the
officer.
"What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?"

The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding.
I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing
chickens out the trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride!
No fuck, no ride!"


It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working
Norwegian woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven,
then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning.

"Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street.
She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open doorway,
Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar.

The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink.

"Ya know," Helga said,"it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer."

The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied 
"Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?"


Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and 
go into the woods.
Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as 
he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY 
AND..." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear 
the story.

So Johnny tells her.  "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into
the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went to look and Daddy was giving 
Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt 
Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the 
seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.  I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner
table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.  He describes the car into the
woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "then Daddy and Aunt
Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when 
Daddy was in the Army."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
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-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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