Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  February 11, 2009



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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said,

"you can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".

But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St.
Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do. 
You will work the same amount of time in hell as you worked on earth, 
and then you can retire the rest of eternity up here."

The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".

St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 3500 years.".

The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!".

St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".



Runs well, but needs brakes


The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids.
The teams performance soars.
They win the county and state championship until one day
they are favored to win nationals easily.
Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says,
"Coach, I have a problem.  Hair is starting to grow on my chest."
"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"
She replies, "Down to my balls.
That's something else I want to talk to you about...."


In life,there are only two things to worry about,
either you are well, or you are sick.
If you are well,there is nothing to worry about,but if you are sick,
you have two things to worry about;either you will live,or you will die.
If you live,there is nothing to worry about,if you die, you have two
things to worry about; either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven,there is nothing to worry about, but if you go
to hell,you'll be so busy shaking hands with your friends,
you won't have time to worry!


A Jewish family invited their gentile neighbors for holiday dinner.
The first course was set in front of them and the Jewish couple
announced, "This is matzoh ball soup."

On seeing the 2 large matzoh balls in the soup, the Gentile man 
was hesitant to taste this strange looking brew. Gently, the 
Jewish couple pressed the Gentile man, "Just have a taste. 
If you don't like it, you don't have to finish it."

Finally he agrees. He digs his spoon in, first picking up a 
small piece of matzoh ball with some soup in the spoon, 
and tasting it gingerly. The usual mmmm sound can be 
heard coming from somewhere deep in his chest,
and he quickly finished the soup.

"That was delicious," he said. "Can you eat any other 
parts of the matzoh?"

----
Matzoh balls are heavy, round flour dumplings, not quite 
as heavy as cannon balls, and faintly tasting like the
chickensoup, that they have been boiled in for a few days.


A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend.
"It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend
observed.  "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit
Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!"

He fell silent and she continued, "You know, it's just
ridiculous.  Fred simply will not ask for directions.
We almost didn't find the way back home!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  February 10, 2009

Still too much ice out on the sidewalks for my taste. Maybe they
shouldn't wait until April 1 to announce Global Cooling. 
It is bound to warm up when they do that.

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Linda began a job as an elementary school counselor
and she was eager to help. One day during recess she
noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a
playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a
game of soccer at the other.

Linda approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Linda noticed the girl
was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Linda offered, "Would you like me
to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, gave her a very suspicious look
and then said, "Okay".

Feeling she was making progress, Linda then asked,
"Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great
exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"



Anti-Tailgater


Years ago when I was a child I used to go to the grocery store with my
Mom. Barrels sat around the store filled with pickles, loose crackers,
and huge containers from which lard was dispensed. This was a small
country store. One morning my mom and I went to the store to purchase a
few groceries. In the store was an elderly woman asking to buy three
pounds of lard and have it put into an empty pail she was carrying. The
son of the owner was minding the store while the father went to lunch.
He stated   "Miss Abigail, your pail will only hold two pounds." 

Miss Abigail looked at him as if he were simple minded and said 
"Where is your daddy? He has been putting three pounds of lard 
in this pail for the last five years!!!!"


Peter walked up to his teacher's desk, holding a report card
with a big red "F".

"If I were you," said Peter, "I would change this while you still can."

"Why is that?" asked the teacher.

"Because my daddy told me that if I brought home one more
failing report card, someone was going to get a beating.
And since Social Services told him that he can't beat me
no more, that leaves only you!"


Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable garden,
but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to ripen.
Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful bright red tomatoes, she
went one day and inquired of him his secret.

"It's really quite simple," the old man explained.  "Twice each day, in the
morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes and
they turn red with embarrassment."

Desperate for the perfect garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to
expose herself to her plants twice daily.

Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to check her progress.

"So", he asked, "Any luck with your tomatoes?"

"No", she replied excitedly...  "But you should see the size of my
cucumbers!"


On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new
husband.

"Since we're married now, we can arrange our sex life like this:
In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don't want sex
at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may
not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I
want sex."

"Okay sweetheart," the groom replied. "Just make sure, when I
come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that
means I don't  want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not
want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn't matter."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  February 9, 2009

Sure was a beautiful moon out last night!
Could have been quite romantic if anybody had dared to come
along for a walk. Unfortunately it was quite slippery out, 
and too dangerous to walk close to me.

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the
definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional
killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence
of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a
spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.' "
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury
candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in
bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I
could have shot him and got away with it."
She wasn't selected for the jury.





Little Johnnie comes home from first grade and tells his
father that they learned about the history of
Valentine's Day.  "Since Valentine's Day is for the
flower shops and we're Bakers," he asks, "will God get
mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"
Johnnie's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't
think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," Johnnie says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.

"Well," Johnnie says, "I thought that if a little
American Baker boy could have enough love to give Osama
a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to
Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.  And then he'd start
going all over the place to tell everyone how much he
loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
newfound pride.
"Johnnie, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever
heard."
"Yes, I know," Johnnie says, "and once that gets Osama
out in the open, the Marines can kick the s..  out of
him and blow his a..  off."


Grandpa and grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he
could have one.

His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one they're very
strong and expensive."

Grandpa said, "I know -- but I want to try one. How much are they?"

His son said, "They're $10 each."

Grandpa only had a $50 bill but he said he was going to the bank and
would leave $10 under his son's pillow that night.

The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said "Dad, I
told you it was only $10 -- there's $110 under my pillow!"

Grandpa said, "That's okay, -- the $100 is from Grandma!"


HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything
much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we
should go off somewhere more intimate so we
could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's
STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to
wonder whether it's me or something else. I ask
him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway,in the
cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he
just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means
because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back
to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to
dump me! So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV.
Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to
sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have
sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted
to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he
thinks anymore.
 I mean, do you think he's met someone else???


HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.


Stanley man met a young woman in a bar. She accepted his invitation to
go back to his apartment with him. After a few drinks and some soft
music, he suggested they retire to the bedroom, and the girl agreed.
Soon they were going at it hot & heavy, when all of a sudden Stanley
stopped dead, looked at her and said "Hey, You don't have herpes, do
you?"
"No", she replied, "what would make you ask such a thing?" 
"Thats a relief" , Stanley said, "the last girl didn't tell me till it was too
late !"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  February 8, 2009



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man visited a psychiatrist to talk about
his dreams.

"Every night," the man said, "I dream that
these three hideous monsters are sitting
on the edge of my bed, ready to attack me."

"Hmmm," said the doctor. "I feel sure I can
cure you of this problem. But the treatment
will be costly. I charge $200 per weekly
session and it may take a couple of years
to solve your problem."

"Two hundred dollars per session!" the man
gasped. "Never mind getting rid of the
monsters, Doctor. I think I will give that
bed to my mother-in-law. That will fix
their wagon!"





While vacationing in the hills of Alabama, a big city man discovered he
had no writing paper for his personal correspondence. So, the man went
into a small town nearby and found only an old-fashioned country store.

Behind the counter was a really nice looking, young lass, quite
obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?"

"Well," she giggled, "I can... until I have an orgasm, then I just go
plain wild and crazy!"


I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I
noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on
the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday
best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness.
Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier. As we met on the path,
I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren't you pretty today and what a fine
looking dog you have." 

"Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is isn't it?"

"Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what
a pretty dress you're wearing." 

"Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and 
she made this dress for me, isn't it pretty?" she said with a beaming 
smile. 

"Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what's your dog's name?"
"Oh, sir, my dog's name is 'Porky', isn't that cute?" 

"Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. 
Why do you call him 'Porky'?"

  "Because he fucks pigs!"


A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest
in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her it is still experimental. He
tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner and she does.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and says, "The pill worked
great. I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five
minutes later and he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes on the floor,
grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong.
The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "Naah, That's okay. We aren't going back to Denny's
anyway."


A young boy of four was going into hospital to ha have his tonsils
removed. He told his playmate I'll be gone for awhile I have to have
surgery.

On the day he was admitted his mother asked Dr. could you please
circumcise him while he is asleep.

The Dr. agreed. The boy woke up and was very sore down there for several
days.

After about a week he got to see his playmate again. The playmate
informed him that he was also going to have to have his tonsils out
soon. He asked him to tell him about the surgery. The little boy replied
'all I can tell you is your tonsils ain't where you think they are.'




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  February 7, 2009



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a
drop of paint on their clothes.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock
the door of the room, strip off their clothes, and paint in the
nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two women look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that
no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they
open the door.
"Wow," says the man, "nice to see you!
Where do you want these venetian blinds....?"





Mr. Jones patted his daughter's hand fondly, and told her, "Your young
man told me today he wanted you as a bride, and I gave my consent.."
Oh, Papa," gushed the daughter, "it's going to be so hard leaving
mother."
"I understand perfectly, my dear," beamed Mr. Jones. "You just take her
with you."


Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City
subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank
adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out
his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to
the beggar with a smile.
The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other
passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What
on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going
to use it on drugs or booze."

Matt replies, "And we weren't?"


The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed
such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of
just a one night stand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't
already in one.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before". he said.
"Yeah, I know". sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I
think they call this 'deja screw'.


A little boy was having relatives come over for dinner so he decided to
go see what his brother was doing. He walks into the basement and sees
his brother practicing soccer. The boy decided he shouldn't bother his
brother and goes upstairs to see his father. His father is in the
bathroom shaving when the little boy screams, "HI DAD!!!"
The father being startled by this cuts himself and yells "SHIT!!"
"What does shit mean?" the little boy asked. The father not wanting to
tell his son says, "Um.... Shit means shave!!"
After hearing that the boy goes downstairs to see what his mother is
doing. He sees her in the kitchen cutting the turkey for dinner when he
yells,
"HI MOM!!!"
The mother being startled by this slips and cuts herself with the
butcher knife.
"FUCK!!!" she yells.
"What does fuck mean?" the boy asked.
"Um.... Fuck means cut!"
replied the mother not wanting to tell him what it really means. A
little while later the boy's relatives arrive. When he answers the door
they all say hi to him but then they ask "where is everyone else?"
and the boy replies,
"Dad's in the bathroom shitting his face, mom's in the kitchen 
fucking the turkey, and my brother's in the basement playing 
with his balls!!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com