Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  February 3, 2009

It sure is hilarious reading the reports about how England
slithered to a standstill because of a bit of snow! Airports,
trains, buses, schools shut down. Mayhem on the roads.
Apparently they got the biggest snow fall in 18 years!

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Ophelia
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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the
past week I was able to pick-up and bed three girls, none of
whom were over fifty  years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age too! You are well over
90 !." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some
precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a 
phony name, yours ."





A nursing home resident, suffering from dementia, decided to
shed all of her clothes and "streak." She passed two male
residents sitting in their wheel chairs in the hallway.
The first male asked the second, "Who was that?"
Second: "I THINK it was 'Miss Rita.'"
First: "Well, what was that she had on?"
Second: "I don't know, but I think it needs ironing."


At Sunday school, the teacher asked Little Johnny, "Do you know 
where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"
"Sure," Little Johnny replied. 
"They go out to the bushes at the back of the church yard."


A doctor sees an old man merrily walking down the street with a gorgeous
young lady on his arm and recognizes him as one of his clients whom he
had not seen in a few years.

Half a year later he sees the old man at the bank in line ahead of him.
The doctor says, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
"Just doing what you told me, Doctor. Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
"I didn't say that... I said, You've got a heart murmur, be careful..."
"Too late!"


A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: "My father isn't home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow. Well, my father charges one
hundred dollars for his best bull."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have a young bull who is just starting out. My father charges fifty
dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not I want."
Girl: "We have an old bull out in the pasture. He can still do a job. My
father charges only ten dollars for him."
Neighbor: "That's not what I want. I came here to see your father about
your brother. Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant."
Girl: "Oh. You'll have to see my father about that, because I don't 
have a clue what he charges for Elmer."


Betty-Sue walked into the Emergency Room of a hospital in a small town.
She walked up to a nurse and said, "Ah wants to see a Uptern."
The nurse looked at her kinda funny and said, "Don't y'all mean Intern?"
The girl replied, "Okay, if'n y'all say so, but ah wants a contamination."
The nurse is a little confused and says, "Don't y'all mean examination?"
The girl replied, "Uptern, intern, contamination, examination, ah don caire,
ah ain't demonstrated for 6 months and an ah thinks ah'm stagnant.






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  February 2, 2009

Just read that 
ALL LONDON BUSES HAVE BEEN WITHDRAWN FROM SERVICE 
DUE TO ADVERSE WEATHER AND DANGEROUS ROAD CONDITIONS.

Seems they don't have any Gullible Warming either.
Interesting article here: Cooling

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Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two nuns were riding their bikes down the back streets of Rome when the
first nun says "I've never come this way before."
The second nun grinned: "It's the cobblestones."



      So much for Algorian Warming!

Big Version


A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the
animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'"
Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo
and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word
'fascinate.'"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was
notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he
could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him.

Johnny said loudly, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons."
The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny.
However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence."
Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only
fasten eight."



A travelling salesman visits a small town in the Midwest 
and sees a circus banner reading,
"Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief." 

Curious, he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, 
trumpets blare and all eyes turn to the centre ring. 
There, spot lit in the centre ring is a table with three
walnuts on it. Standing next to it is a retired Navy Chief.

Suddenly the old man unzips his pants, whips out a huge 
penis, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! 

The crowd erupts in applause as the elderly Navy Chief is 
carried off on the shoulders of the crowd. Ten years later the 

salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded
sign for the same circus and the same 
"Don't Miss the Amazing Navy Chief." 

He can't believe the old guy is still alive much less still doing 
his act! So he buys a ticket. Again, the centre ring is illuminated. 

This time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. 
The Navy Chief stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly 
and smashes the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. 

The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a 
meeting with him after the show. You're incredible," he tells the
Navy Chief. "But I have to know something. You're older now, why
switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well, says the Navy Chief, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."


An old fellow was snoozing away contentedly when he was
startled awake by the doorbell.  He staggered off the couch to
make his way to the door.  There stood a gorgeous young woman.

"Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at
the wrong house."

"Sweetheart, you're at the right house," the old guy
assured her.  "But you're a few years too late."


An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor
was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such
good shape.  I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys 
up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be
more to it.  How old was your dad when he died?"  

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still
alive?  How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey
with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a
turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it.
How about your dad's dad?  How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's
still living!  How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, 
"I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning 
because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!!  Why would a 
118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"


One frigid morning in North Dakota a man turned up at work
much the worse for wear.  "I didn't sleep a wink." he told a
co-worker. "I was up all night trying to keep my wife's begonia
covered against the freezing cold."

"I should be so lucky." his co-worker replied. "When it's this
cold my wife wears so damn many clothes to bed, I can never get
anywhere near her begonia."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  February 1, 2009

Demolition Derby, ahem Church Parking Lot Exit Race should
be fun today. The kids slicked up the packed snow real good 
practising donuts and power slides and drifting.

Enjoy!

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A  Pinehurst North Carolina couple, both bona fide rednecks, 
had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting 
the husband 'fixed'.  

The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked 
them what finally made them make the decision.  Why, 
after nine children would they choose to do this? 

The husband replied that they had heard on TV that one out 
of every ten children being born in the United States was 
Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having 
a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. 



Climb UP, buddy! They never look up.


 A fight broke out between a couple rednecked locals and the 
lone biker at closing time in the local watering hole. After 
easily laying out the drunken hillbillies the biker heard 
someone behind him so he swung around and landed a 
devistating kick to the groin aea, only to realize too late
that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses. 

When the case went to court, the judge asked,
"Are you the woman alledging she was kicked in the altercation?" 

To which she answered,"I ain't never had no altercation!
These is all my 'riginal parts."


A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into
giving more.
"And just how would I go about doing that?" he asked.
"It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the
auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone.
Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow
arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate."

The very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold,  the plates were full of 20 dollar bills.
Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this
technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited
for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized,
the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a
loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
"Crap!" exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.


Church Bloopers
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
----
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and
they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.


It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are
at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape
exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla
goes ape.He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand
(and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free
hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy
dress.

 The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife
tease the poor fellow.The husband suggests she pucker her lips,
wiggle her bottom, and play along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets
even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

 Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall,
she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"... this drives the
gorilla absolutely crazy.Then, quickly the husband grabs his
wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in
with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell HIM you have a headache."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  January 31, 2009

Got a very mild Chinook going on outside, just barely enough to 
knock over the chairs on the deck, but not enough to toss them.
I would have preferred a dry and warm and rambunctious one,
to melt some snow. 

It is still going to dump onto Tooronto and Chicago in 4-5 days
after it crosses the prairies and picks up even more moisture.

Enjoy!

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Our high school principal has each teacher report class attendance
over the intercom.
The instructor must state the number of students present by gender,
for example, "I have fourteen boys and thirteen girls in attendance."
One day our principal was more than a little miffed at having to
remind
several teachers of the correct procedure. He was apparently somewhat
forgetful, too, when he checked on the girls' physical-education
instructor. "I have twenty-seven pupils present, Sir," she announced.
"Lady," he shouted through the intercom, "I need sex!"



No hurricanes in Minnesota for 2400 years!


Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins
to grow between them. One tree says to the other, "Is that
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"The other says he
cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling.

The tall tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?"The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son
of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash
I have ever put my pecker in."


Some ladies are having coffee together, discussing how important their
children are.
The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a
room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people say, ', 'Your Grace'."
The third woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a
cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say 'Your Eminence'.

The fourth woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her
this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 4", hard-bodied, well-built, male
stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, all the women say,
"Oh, my god...."


A pineapple plantation owner in Hawaii was having a problem with his
trees.
He called in an agronomist to evaluate the situation.
"Your problem can easily be solved if you cover the base of each tree
with cat manure!" advised the agronomist.

With some difficulty and great expense the owner was able to secure
enough manure for his trees.  The trees produced a bumper crop of
pineapples, with just a minor problem, they tasted a bit strange.

With some concern, the owner called his distributor on the mainland
and asked, "Harry, do you think you can sell pineapples that taste a
little like pussy?"

"I'm not sure, Harry answered, but, if you can figure out a way to
make pussy taste a little like pineapple, we'll make a fortune!!!"


Groaner!
A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a
customers door saying, "I need 45 gallons of milk."

He knocked on the door and a beautiful lady answered it. 
"Is this a mistake?"  the milkman asked.

"No," she said, "I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing
in milk is a good aphrodisiac."

"Really? " replied the milkman. "Okay, do you want that pasteurised?"

"No, up to my chest would be fine," she said.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  January 30, 2009



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

From Roland:
I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck



No glass


The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Army was 
about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and 
company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine 
to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question 
to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night 
before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. 
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' 
and how much of it was 'pleasure?' 

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in 
favor of work. 

A captain said it was 50-50%. The colonel's aide responded 
with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of 
inebriation at the time. 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private 
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has 
to be 100% pleasure!! 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? 

Well, sir, 'if there was any work involved at all, 
the officers would have me doing it for them.' 


A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen
action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she
remarked: "I see this is getting you excited. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you are petting my popsicle!" the man replied....


Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man,
obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him
stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to
him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However,
his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his
pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."

The second woman, peering over her shoulder, agreed, "You're right, he's
not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look
and said, "He's not even from our village."


I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago. I was
working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the
information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our
passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the
password "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied: 
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT  ***





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com