Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  February 28, 2009





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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Thanks to Roland for this one:
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by
the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if
she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed,
it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel
uncomfortable about purchasing it. The first nun replied
that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The
cashier had a surprised look, so the nun said, "This is for
washing our hair."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the
counter, put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the
beer, and said, "The curlers are on me."



Australian Wildfire. If you want the big version, write me.


Doc:
"George, you're a 71-year-old man and may have lost interest
in sex. There is nothing that I as your doctor can do to help you."
George:
"Nope, but your nurse sure could!"


An FBI agent was talking to a bank teller after the bank was robbed
for the third time by the same bandit. 
"Did you notice anything special about the man?" he asked.

"Yes," said the teller, "He seems better dressed each time."



I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl and she  said she wanted
to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were
standing there, so I asked her, "If you were President what would be the
first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people."

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her.

"You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come
over to my house and mow, pull weeds, rake my yard, and I'll pay
you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store, where the
homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food
or a new house."

She thought that over for a few seconds because she's only 6. And while
her Mom glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and
asked,  "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you
can just pay him the $50?"

I told her: "Shhh! That's talking like a Republican! Your mom isn't going 
to like that!"

Her folks still aren't speaking to me.




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  February 27, 2009

-24 at the end of February! This is getting a bit ridiculous.
When they announce Global Cooling on 04/01/09, we are
probably going to get a heat wave. Cut it out, Bozos!



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

In the Bundeswehr (West German army) a company of soldiers
decided to have some fun with their company cook, a short,
fat, very un-martial young man. So every morning before he
woke up, one of them would defecate into his boot. The
amazing thing was that the cook accepted this treatment
silently. Every morning he would clean out his boot and go
to work as if nothing was wrong.

After several weeks of this, the soldiers began to tire of
the game; it wasn't very much fun because the cook never
reacted, and they were beginning to feel guilty as well. So
they sent a delegation to apologize to him and promise to
mend their ways. The cook heard them out, then said, "You
are going to stop shitting in my boots? Fine, then I vill
find some other spice for your stew."





If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker. 
If he is bald at the back, he is sexy. 
If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.


For three years, the young IRS attorney had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn.  The last time he`d
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper`s daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we
could have gotten married, and the baby would have my
name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my
condition, we sat up all night talking and talking and
decided it would be better to have a bastard in the
family than an IRS lawyer."


A popular blonde cheerleader bounced into the local card
shop, looked around, then approached the clerk.

"Do you have any, like, real special birthday cards?"
she asked.

"Yes, we do," he replied. "As a matter of fact, here's
a new one. It's inscribed, "To the Boy Who Got My Cherry."

"Wow, neat!" she squealed. "I'll take the whole box."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  February 26, 2009

Sure got a good laugh yesterday about two hysterical sheep,
who figured I should not contradict Obama, and that, if he says
cars were invented in the US, then that is the truth.

We won't miss those two sheep, especially since a few of you
forwarded my newsletter and got me new subscribers.

-------------------
Good buddy Roland pointed out that I had misspelled Obama's
name. Sorry about that. Here is a correction of that paragraph:

Obama sure doesn't have a clue about cars and the car industry.
Yesterday he claimed that the USA invented cars. The first car in
the US was an import from Europe.
What was invented in the US was unionized car factories.
----------------------


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Mary and her new boyfriend Bob were at her son's
volleyball game when they noticed an adult couple in
the bleachers.  They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on
his ear.  He had a hand on her chest.

Bob said to Mary, "I don't know whether to watch 
them or the game."

She said, "Watch THEM!  You already KNOW how to play
volleyball."



What fence?


A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. 
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids 
what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let 
them guess. 

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on 
their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. 
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes.' 
The little girl screams to her brother, 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole!'  


A little girl says, "Daddy, I wish I had a little sister."

Trying to be funny, the daddy says "Honey, you do have a sister.
You just don't see her because when you are coming in the front
door, she is always leaving through the back door."

The little girl thought about this and remarked, "You mean
like my other Daddy does?"


My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was telling
his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised.  "Take special care
with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class.
And do your assignments and homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed.  "She hissed
at me during study break that she's 3 weeks overdue."




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  February 25, 2009

Bambam sure doesn't have a clue about cars and the car industry.
Yesterday he claimed that the USA invented cars. The first car in
the US was an import from Europe.

What was invented in the US was unionized car factories.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Many years ago, in a place where such things were
allowed, a man decided to divorce his 40-year-old
wife and marry two 20-year-olds.
Within a few weeks, however, he was back with his
original wife.
"What happened to your two 20-year-olds?" a friend
asked.
"It seemed like a good idea," the man said, "but I
found I'm not wired for 220."





Things only women understand:
Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges,
but eventually you find a hairstylist you like.

Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.

Amazing!  You just hang something in your closet
for a while and it shrinks two sizes.


The new preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. 
One day he decided to visit some of the church members, 
who hadn't been to service lately.

He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. 
When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" 

"No ma'am," he replied.
"I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a 
prayer with you."

So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was 
Conway Twitty. Then he came to a widow woman's house 
on the end of the street.

She was taking a shower at the time, so she just 
wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands - 
which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. 
"Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And he said, "Hello, Darlin!"


An old man walked into a lingerie store and bought a skimpy negligee,
hoping that it would put some spark into his marriage.  When he gave
it
to his wife, she said, "Oh, honey, it's lovely."  But to herself she
thought, "What's this?  We haven't had sex in years."
That night the man asked his wife to slip into the negligee.  She went
into the bathroom and found that it was the wrong size.  
His eyesight is so poor, she thought, I'll come out naked, 
get into bed, and he'll put his arm around me and fall asleep 
as usual.

So she walked out, and her husbnd stared at her intently.  
"Considering what I paid," he remarked, 
"you'd think they would iron it!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  February 24, 2009

It's snowing again. Not as much, though as it is in some parts
of Europe. I heard, that the area, where Arnold Schwarzenegger
is from, got 12 feet of snow overnight. Schools aer closed for
the foreseeable future. Stores too.


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

 Dumb Crook:
Wedgie as good as handcuffs in suspect detention
at 17:40 on February 17, 2009, EDT.
THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
SALT LAKE CITY - It took a wedgie and ad lock to pin down a 
man suspected of breaking into a car in Salt Lake City, Utah.

Yvonne Morris, a technician at the Brickyard Animal Hospital, 
says she chased a man who broke into a co-worker's car, 
but he kept squirming away from her. Yvonne eventually 
grabbed the man's boxer shorts and PULLED.

Salt Lake City police say she then she put a headlock on 
the man until help could arrive.

The man was booked into the Salt Lake County jail on 
suspicion of vehicle burglary, possession of stolen property 
and outstanding warrants.



A professor is lecturing his class on the possibility of
finding joy in unusual activities.

"Even the most natural and common actions can provide an
immense amount of pleasure. For example, a good bowel
movement can be as enjoyable as making love."

A student starts madly waving his hand and stands up when
acknowledged.

"Professor," he says, "Either you don't know how to screw,
or I don't know how to shit!"


This traveling salesman was driving the back roads of
Texas late one night. He hadn't had much sleep and
should not have been driving.

He started to doze off but caught himself just in time
to see two Illegals in the road. He slammed on the brakes
but to no avail. He hit both of them.

One went through the windshield and landed in the back
seat and the other bounced off the grill and landed in
a field 100 feet away.

In a panic he called the Police on his cell phone for help.

When the  Trooper arrived, the guy explained, 
"Oh my God, officer I'm so sorry I was too
tired to be driving and I killed these guys. I can't
go to jail, I've got a wife and three kids. What am I
going to do?"

The trooper looked at the salesman and in that wonderful
southern drawl said, "Boy, don't you fret one bit. We'll
get that guy in the back seat of your car for
breaking and entering and we'll get the one in the field
for leaving the scene of an accident."


A bus stops to let on a passenger. This attractive lady
steps onto the bus and puts her right thumb to her nose
and wiggles her fingers without saying a word.

The bus driver puts his right thumb to his nose and his
left thumb to the palm of his right hand and wiggles all
eight of his fingers.

The woman then looks a bit confused and in silence grabs
her boobs!

The bus driver in a growing lack of patience grabs his
balls.

The woman then turns around, grabs her ass and struts
off the bus!!

A frequent passenger who sits at the front of the bus
looks to the driver, and says, "Tom, I've been riding
your bus for quite a few years now and I've never seen
anything as vulgar as this! I'm going to have to ride
a different route!"

Tom, the driver looks to the woman sitting in the front
seat and replies, "You are mistaken, that woman was
deaf. She asked me if this bus was headed for 5th.
street, I said, 'no, 10th street.' She asked if it went
to the Dairy Mart, I told her that it went to the ball
park and she said, 'shit, I'm on the wrong bus' and
left.'"


A father said, "Son, the object of dating is to SCORE! And to do
that, you have to give the woman something. So when you pick up your
date later, make sure you have some flowers or chocolates to give
her. Girls go crazy over that stuff. The more you give, the more you
get!"

So, the son showed up for his date with flowers AND chocolates. She
was very flattered and pleased, and she rewarded him with a long,
passionate kiss. She pressed her chest against him and rubbed her
fingers through his hair,.... hoping to give him the best kiss that
he had ever received.

After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door.

"Oh! I'm sorry," she said. "I didn't mean to scare you away."

"You didn't!" he replied. "I'm just going to the cemetery next door
to get you more flowers!"




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD