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Good Morning 
It's Monday, January 1, 2011

Welcome Art!




Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


Joe said to his wife,
"Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon the milkman
has  made love to every woman in our road except one."

She replied, " Hmmm, I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at
number 23."


A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could
talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was
three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict
the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today,
I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die.
Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up
his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.
A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance
benefit, and, figuring he only had a year before his own
death, went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars! Faster women!
Exotic vacations! Flings with supermodels!

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew
the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic
dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!!

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off
into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning...
He thought he had cheated death! He was invincible!

But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the
night broke the news...
"Honey, better come quick, the pool boy's dead."


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A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now,
boys, if I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would
run into it, and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the boys said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,

"Cause yer feet ain't empty."



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped
together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his
dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.
Appetizers, lobster, champagne...the works.

Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not trying to lay me."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, 
the man called the women a "bitch" and the women 
called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" 
and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said 
"feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" 
and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, 
the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was 
the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, 
"Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the 
mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives 
and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties 
in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and 
my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, January 30, 2011

Welcome Alice!

It was interesting to read that in Yemen people were now 
protesting in solidrity with the Egyptians. They had gotten 
their tax break, and nobody messed with their Internet, so, 
since they still felt like a bit of protesting, they marched
in sympathy with the far away Egyptions, whose Internet
was still cut off.

Mubarak still didn't get the hint. Appointing Suleiman, 
his gofer, to vice president, just made it worse. That's
not the change he had promised on Thursday.

Egyptians are not like Americans and don't automatically
assume that all political promises are just BS. They take
them literally. What a refreshingly novel notion! If that
spreads to this continent, it would turn politics upside 
down. Would be interesting!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a 
girl about to Jump off a bridge so he stops. 

"What are you doing?" he asks. 

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says. 

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to 
miss an opportunity and he asked, "Well, before you jump, 
why don't you give me a kiss?" 

So, she does. 

After she's finished the biker says, "Wow!  That was the best 
kiss I have ever had!  That's a real talent you are wasting!  
You could be famous!  Why are you committing suicide?" 

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl


When your wife asks, "Do I look fat"?
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"


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Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was looking really
down in the dumps.
"What's the matter?" Bill asked.
"I don't' get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is so confusing.
There are so many damn people you have to please.
"Like this one woman,  she liked me, her mom liked me, but
her father hated me.

"Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really
liked me, but SHE didn't like me.

"And then there was this woman I met last night.  She
absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really like me
too, BUT,  her husband, he didn't like me at all !"



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while
undoing a woman's bra.  That's correct. While unfastening a
woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons,
scratches, and other similar injuries.

My neighbor Bob can vouch for that. He got injured today while
trying to undo a woman's bra. When he undid the woman in front
of him in the checkout line, she turned and hit him with a frozen
chicken.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

The married business executive had to make a trip
to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a
few days he was enjoying himself so much that he
decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise,
he emailed his bachelor friend: "Take the next plane
for a fun week on me.  Bring my wife and your mistress."

His friend was quick to wire back: "Your wife and
I will be arriving tomorrow 11:30 a.m.  How long have you
known about us?

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, January 29, 2011

Welcome Jim!
Welcome Pete!

It looks to me like Mubarak in Egypt has comitted political
suicide by blocking the Internet. People were annoyed enough,
and encouraged by what happened in Tunesia, wanted to do
something too. 

I doubt that the opposition can do a better job there, but
the people are tired of Mubarak and want him gone.

Initially, they just wanted to do a reasonably peaceful show
of force, like the people in Yemen, who got a major tax break
out of it. But now, with the Internet and cell phones cut,
they are pissed right off! 

Millions of them, who don't have an indoor toilet, but a
cell phone or an Internet connection, had thought they were
coming up in the world, making progress. Experiencing that
Mubarak can toss them back to the stone age with one
command, that is unforgivable. 
He will never live that down.

Now that religion is getting into it and siding with the
protesters, he is truly finished. 

Lets hope leaders in the rest of the world can learn from
that lesson!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he
looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the
school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone!
look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was
those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg,
and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like
life, you try to help someone out and end up getting
screwed?"


One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of
soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray
with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup
bowl.

"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup
bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.

"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to
keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress
informed him.

"Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don’t you take that
finger and of yours and shove it up your fat butt?"

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried
that before I brought your soup out, and it didn't help."


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An airline's passenger cabin was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good
mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to
the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked
me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, lovely people,  so if you
could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well,  sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than
three years, during which he had been in many
battles and won many decorations.  He was
finally discharged from service and returned
home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen
in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house,
his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy,
Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple
Heart on!"

Turning around to see her husband for the first
time in years she replied, "at this point, I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in,
and you go play at the Miller's for the rest of the day!"

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, January 28, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank you, Francis!
	
Welcome Pete!
Welcome Judy!

Italian PM Berlusconi is in the news again, this time because
a Brazilian model apparently was present at a dinner party, 
when she was only 17, but listed as a high class escort.
As usual, there is no proof, that she ever got within hand shaking
distance of Berlusconi, or that she was more than one of a
dozen "photogenic background cuties" ordered from a
model agency by a staff member. 

But the charges sure sell a lot of newspapers, 
and are guaranteed to raise his ratings.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 571 Subscribers.             Countries


How do you get a man to do sit-ups?   
Glue the remote control between his toes !


Two gay guys are standing on a bridge watching
ships pass by underneath them. 
One says to the other,  "What kind of ship is that?" 
"Container ship," replies the other.
"Okay, what's that one over there?"    
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"     
 "That's a ferry ship."
 "Really? I knew we were strong, 
 but I never knew  we had our own NAVY!"


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There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish.  
He wanted a drink
but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.




Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra
for his wife.

Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.

Drunk: This one will do the job!

Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?

Drunk: 7 1/2 Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not
made in that size. Here is a standard listing of
mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.

Drunk: 7 1/2.

Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer
to help.

Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!

Clerk: But, sir--

Drunk: 7 1/2, God dammit!!!

Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What
did you use?

Drunk: My hat!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the
side walk licking it's dick.

One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do
that."

The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had
better pet him first."

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thank you Trish!
Thank you Roy!


Lost one subscriber:( 

My neighbor is putting a penthouse on his trailer. Not a full floor,
of course. He would never get away with that. Just a brakeman's
penthouse, like on a railroad caboose, with the roof raised a foot
and a half for four foot length.

His connection with the railroad is a toy train as a kid. He is
not motivated by nostalgia or loyalty to the railroad. 

The brakeman's penthouse is over his washroom. 
He is keeping the regular toilet for solids, and is installing 
a raised "throne" for liquids only. That one flushes with just
few tea spoons of water, instead of 25 Liters (5 gallons).

So far, the upper throne is just a bright orange oil change 
funnel with a toilet seat mounted above it. For the flushing
he connected a windshield washer line and squirter, and a
push-button valve from a drinking fountain. The squirter is
precision bent and he needed me to epoxy it into the side
of the funnel. 

I'm the expert around here, when it comes to gluing plastics.
A little bit of Lepage's grey marine epoxy did the trick 
quite nicely, and earned me a bound of coffee.

Leroy figured that the flushing cost him more than the beer,
and that at the ridiculous rices we pay for water, his 
brakeman's penthouse will pay for itself in a week, and be
clear profit after that.

He is still working on an airplane toilet type flapper, that
will stay closed when nobody is sitting on the seat. I can
already see another pound of coffee being saved up for
that glue job.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 571 Subscribers.             Countries


Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the
subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women
have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I don't really have a problem,
but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier?  How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before
bed she used to get these terrible headaches, and I had to
go get my 'nitely' at the bar or from Mrs MacGuire across the
street." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had
a headache in years."


From Liz
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store
known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I
was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman
behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected
all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it"
attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the
20-something behind me. 

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my great-grandmother."


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From Sandie:
A Pentecostal preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants 
to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tom got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, 
"Tom, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

Tom replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tom's ear, placed his 
other hand on top of Tom's head, and then prayed and prayed and 
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tom, and the whole congregation 
joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back 
and asked, "Tom, how is your hearing now?"

Tom answered, "I don't know... It ain't 'til next week."



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

From Ella
Our dog, Lance, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry,
searched the back yard for what might
have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood
at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.

When Larry looked out the window, he
discovered someone throwing pebbles
to land near Lance.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

Crouching on the other side of the fence
was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd
suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed
neighbor whispered. "If she loses her beauty sleep
another night, she says, she'll leave."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out 
a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Six," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not really, but they aren't for me. They are for my
brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you 
can swim and ride a bike. He still can't do either one."