Good Morning 
It's Sunday, January 10, 2010

Enjoy!


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Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided 
to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the 
entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have 
a problem conceiving.

The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if the 
problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she 
was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the 
conclusions.

He said, "I'm sorry, but the problem is with you. You have 
insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be 
a miracle."

The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband 
got home and asked her what was wrong.
She said, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my passage 
and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel."



He needs to refine his technique a bit more, or else he is going
to get bitten one of these days!

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail
when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman entered.
The man could not take his eyes away from her. The young
woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly
toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the
young woman said to him, "I'll do anything you want me to
do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want
me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew
his wallet from his pocket and counted out five $20 bills,
which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes and slowly said, "Paint my
house."



A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman
sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his
courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
"Umm, would you mind if I chatted with you for awhile?"

She yells at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with
you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the
guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks
back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over
to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm
sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student
in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."

At the top of his lungs, he responds, "What do you mean
$35?"


A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was
suffering from I knee pains. "Do you indulge in any activity
that puts a lot of pressure on your knees?" asked the
doctor. 

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor
doggy style." 

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of 
other sexual positions?" "Not if you want to watch TV 
there ain't!"


She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect specimen of
womanhood - with a small baby in her arms. He was in his first day in
private practice, eager to show he knew all about everything.

"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in his best medical
manner.

 "It's the baby", she said, "He seems under-nourished."

 Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive examination of the
baby and then asked, "Is he breast-fed?"

 "Yes doctor, he is", she replied.

 "Will you strip off to the waist now, please?" the doctor said.

The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat anxiously, and began to
protest. "But doctor ... "

The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside by saying, "it is
better to look at everything ... so if you wouldn't mind?"

Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her blouse and bra,
revealing a perfect pair of large, firm breasts. The young doctor
professionally weighed each one in his hands, stroked them forward
and back, and then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few
moments, finally lightly squeezing them between his fingers and
thumb.

 Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing smile. "That's the
problem, you do not have one little bit of milk!"

"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied, "I'm just the baby-
sitter - but it sure has been a REAL pleasure meeting you!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, January 9, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Renfrew was the most absent minded altar boy Father
O'Malley had ever seen. But Renfrew meant well,
and the clergymen decided to give him one more
chance to prove himself. "At mass tomorrow,
I will come to a point where you'll hear me sing,
"And God's angels lit the candles." When I say that,
you're to light the candles in the back of the church.
Is that understood?" 

Renfrew said it was, and that night both the priest and 
Renfrew prayed for his success. 

The next day Father O'Malley conducted mass
in front of a full congregation. At last his rich
baritone sang out, "And God's angels lit the candles!"
Nothing happened and he said again,  "And God's angels
lit the candles!" Still the candles remained unlit,
and once more he boomed, "And God's angels lit the
candles!" From behind the last pew Renfrew's small
voice carried across the room. "And your dog pissed
on the matches!"





From an anonymous subscriber:
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs. In high
school, I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion.

So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate
girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried
all the time.

So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable
girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.

So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting
girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.  She rushed from one thing to
another, never settling on anything.  She was without direction.

So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college, I found an
ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and
took everything I owned.

Now all I want is a girl with big boobs!



Farmer Jones lives with his tame bear in the remote
country with only dirt access roads. His tame bear
had been naughty that day so he put him in the barn
and said "you stay here until you learn how to behave
yourself".

Shortly afterwards it begin to rain (a real heavy down
pour). About an hour later a travelling salesman got
stuck in the mud and asked the Farmer for a place to
stay. The Farmer told him he didn't have room in the
house, however he could stay in the barn. He told the
salesman there were no lights in the barn and his tame
bear was in the barn.

The Farmer said the bear would not bother him. The
salesman went to the barn. Later another travelling
salesman got stuck in the mud and the Farmer told him
about the barn-no lights and the tame bear. Salesmen
left for barn.

One hour later a woman got stuck in the mud and
approached the Farmer. He told her about the barn and
mentioned the two travelling salesmen (he was so
concerned about the salesmen he forgot to mention the
bear).

The woman said I can take care of myself and left for
the barn.

Two hours later the Farmer was awakened by heavy
knocking at the door. When opening the door the woman
was standing there with her clothes torn and rumpled.
The Farmer said good heavens what happened to you?.
The woman replied I give up on human nature,the first
guy gave me forty dollars,the second guy gave me fifty
dollars,but that cheap bastard in the fur coat never
even said thanks.


Sitting behind a couple of nuns at the football game, three 
men decided to badger the nuns in an effort, to get them 
to move.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I'm going 
to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there..."

The second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana, 
there are only 50 nuns living there ..."

The third guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Idaho, 
there are only 25 nuns living there ..."

One of the nuns turned around, and looked at the men, 
and calmly said, "Why don't you go to hell, there aren't 
any nuns there."


Groaner:
This guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap
off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green
lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book
and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up
and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed
the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Friday, January 8, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was
SIN, and he was 'against' it.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to
hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle,
close to the front, and sat down.

It was plain to the preacher that he had lost a little over 100%
of his audience to this voluptuous sex-object. He shook a fist
at her and said, "You is the Jezebel the good book tells us
about. You have got the mind of every man in this building, of
evil thoughts, and not good thoughts. I am a man of God! You
don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is
shaking his Peter at you!"



Hell has frozen over! Quite a frew other places too.

Here it warmed up to about the same as we had in January
thirty-five years ago.
According to gramma's calendar.


A man walked into a restaurant and seated himself. Soon, the waitress
came over to take his order. ". . .and to drink?" she asked. The man
said he would like coffee.
The waitress promptly returned with a cup of coffee, but spilled it on
the man's lap when she stopped at the table. "Oh my God! I am so
sorry!"
"That's OK," the man said, sopping up the puddle on his pants with his a
napkin. "But tell me, is this regular or decaf?"
"Regular," she replied.
"Oh great ... now this thing is going to be up all night!
is THAT why youspiled it there?"



The Blondes at the university were tired of not fitting in.  They were
tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbos.  They
wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So they pressured the administration to set up a new Department 
especially for them.  The university agreed, and set up the 
Blonde Education Department.

The Blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where 
they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really 
belonged now.They wanted other students to see that they 
weren't just stupid bimbos after all, they now had their own 
department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde
Education Department which sports the saying:  "I Belong in B.E.D."


Dear mom, you are getting quite old;
Your assets, I think, should be sold
And given to me
So that you can be free
To live out those years they call gold."

"Dear daughter, there's no reason to fret;
I haven't got Alzheimer's yet;
I'll do it my way,
'Till it's all pissed away;
Not one nickel or dime will you get!"


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in and animated conversation. The lady sitting behind
them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized
when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I
come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I
come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta
sexa? I'm a justa tellin my Brudda, da bishop from Milano, 
how to spella 'Mississippi.'


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Thursday, January 7, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.
When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second,
"My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! 
How can they display such a thing! Everything on it was so large!"

Whereupon the first old lady accidentally blurted out, 
"...and so cold, too!"





A male elf was so paranoid about the size of his willy that
he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then one day
he fell in love with an elf nurse.

One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on
some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally
mortified, he told her of his problem.

"Don't worry," She said. "I'm a nurse. I won't laugh."

Blushing the man drops his trousers.

"It's OK," she said. "I've seen lots smaller than that."

"Really?" the relieved elf asked.

She nodded. "Yes," she chuckled, "I used to work in the
maternity unit."



Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in
cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave's porch
watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the
business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural
scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the big question to
Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear,
"Mabel, I'd sure like to be doing what that bull is doing."

However, he got serious second thoughts about mabel after
she whispered back: "Well then, why don't you?
It is YOUR cow."


Sex is not the answer - sex is the question.
"Yes" is the answer.


A Chinese couple while working in a Chinese restaurant,
fall in love and get married - and she's a virgin.
On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed
sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her
and tries to be reassuring: "My darling, I know dis you firs
time and you bery frighten. I promise you, I give you anyting
you wann, I do anyting you wann.... What you wann?"
"I wann have numma 69" she replies.
He looks at her very puzzled and says,
"You wann . . . . . . Beef with Bloccoli?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------   

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Enjoy!


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!

Enjoy!
Ophelia


My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Little Johnny was misbehaving with the nanny.

The father overheard the ruckus and yelled, "Do you want me
to come over there with the belt?"

Johnny yelled back, "Nah, it's OK. I think I can handle her myself."


Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves 
that the other person was right about you.




Yeah, I noticed that too. In summer a lot more men walk into light
poles and parking meters.



A young lady went into Victoria's Secret and asked if she 
might have the sentence, "If you can read this, you're too close!" 
embroidered on her bra.

"Yes madam," said the clerk, "I'm quite certain that could be done. 
What kind of lettering would you like it done in?"

"Braille," she answered.

"If you don't want him to get close," the clerk replied, 
"consider a bra made with burlap, or sheet metal."


One morning, after her husband had gone to work, his wife decided to
have a leisurely bath. She undressed and then remembered that the gas
was still on in the kitchen.
Wrapped in a towel, she went downstairs.
She was about to turn off the gas when she heard footsteps. She assumed
that it was the milkman since the arrangement was for him to deliver the
milk to the kitchen. So she ran to the nearest door, the broom cupboard
and made it just in time.

The footsteps grew louder. The door was opened. It was the man 
from the Gas Company who had come to read the meter.

For a moment she was speechless. Then she said,
"Sorry, I was expecting the milkman."


A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers his wife had
given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any
sex from her.

They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?"

"Well, since my secretary smokes and is half her age, 
probably a lot longer than she can."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


----------------------------------------
---------ooooO----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /-------------
----------------------------------------