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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 1, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
A people that values its privileges above its principles
soon loses both.
--- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A lonely wife brought a man she had just met at a bar home to her bedroom one evening when she thought her husband was out of town. They immediately tore each other's clothes off and started going at it. She sat up quickly in bed as she heard the key in the lock. "Quick!" she said to the man, "It's my husband! You've got to get out of here quick!" "Where's the back door?", the man asked as he grabbed his clothes. "There isn't one", she replied. "Where would you like one?" he asked. teacher said to her little student Suzy, "Punctuate the following sentence: Fun fun fun worry worry worry." Little Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!!!" 
A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street and asked him to cover for him. The rabbi was concerned that he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to do. The rabbi comes, and he and the priest go into the confessional together. In a few minutes, a woman comes in and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned. The priest asks, "What did you do?" The woman says, "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Woman: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." A few minutes later, a man enters the confessional. He says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Priest: "What did you do?" Man: "I committed adultery." Priest: "How many times?" Man: "Three times." Priest: "Say two Hail Marys, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more." The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves. A few minutes later, another woman enters and says, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Rabbi: "What did you do?" Woman: "I committed adultery." Rabbi: "How many times?" Woman: "Once." Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5." To get ready for Valentines Day, you guys might want to study up on knowing how to say "I LOVE YOU" in 20 different languages: 1. English.................I Love You 2. Spanish................Te Amo 3. French..................Je T'aime 4. German................Ich Liebe Dich 5. Japanese..............Ai Shite Imasu 6. Italian..................Ti Amo 7. Chinese................Wo Ai Ni 8. Swedish...............Jag Alskar 9. - 20. Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, North Carolina, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee :..................Nice Tits ! For women it's of course the same in all languages. You grin, and open one button more than absolutely necessary. "HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, January 31, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
If everything seems under control, you're just not going
fast enough.
--- Mario Andretti
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Just think, if it weren't for women, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. Re marriage: "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. So that's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and kinda handsome." -Carolyn, AGE 8 
An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the Rockies just a bit east of here. It was quite cold for riding a bike at speed, and the rider was heavily dressed in a full face helmet, balaclava and snowmobile suit. In a shivering voice, the rider told the Mountie that the carburetor was frozen. "Well, pee on it," the Mountie said. "Can't," replied the rider. The helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up. A few days later, the local department received a thank you note from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young daughter had received from the RCMP. Dogs prayer: Dear God, If we come back as humans in our next life, is that as punishment for jumping on the couch? John and Suzi had just driven an exhausting 12-hour drive to their honeymoon destination in Daytona Beach, Fla. They found their hotel room but decided to refresh themselves with a dip in the hotel pool. Suzi must have dropped a few pounds due to the pre-wedding jitters, because each time she dove into the pool, she lost either the top or bottom of her skimpy new bikini. They had the pool to their self's, so they just laughed and retrieved the pieces. Later they dressed for dinner and went down to the hotel restaurant. Waiting for a table they sat in the lounge and ordered drinks. Above the bar was a huge, empty, glistening fish tank. Curious, John asked, "Why is such a beautiful fish tank empty?" The bartender grinned from ear to ear as he replied, "That's not a fish tank, it's the swimming pool."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, January 30, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Jenny went straight round to visit her grandmother. When she asked how her grandpa had died, her granny explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning, " Horrified, Jenny suggested that having sex at the age of 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh no," her granny replied, "we had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells. She paused, and wiped away a tear. "If it wasn't for that dang ringy-ding-ding ice cream truck going past just as the church bells were ringing, he'd still be alive." I knew a girl at work once who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both see on TV called "Cold Turkey." After about a week, I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad," she said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him down to one pack of cigarettes a night now." 
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!" A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center of the road, making wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them. Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!" Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, January 29, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time,a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screamed, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." Ken and Barbie had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year- old son, Little Johnny, in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. Little Johnny began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex." Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" his startled father asked. "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," Little Johnny replied. 
Anti Ice Age Rally
Bubba went into a store to buy some condoms. "That's 1 dollar 15 plus tax," said the store assistant. "I don't need tacks," Bubba replied. "I use duck tape." From Elmer I was at a stop light, behind a car with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked. The driver made the mistake of leaning out his window, flipping me the bird, and yelling "Can't you see the light is still red, you f**king moron?" He really should not have said that, while I was sitting in the big garbage truck with the front forks.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, January 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
85 year old Bessie bursts into the rec room of the men's retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough!" Several years ago, the Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday Sally arrived without her head covering. The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. So Sally leaves and a few moments later comes back wearing her blouse tied to her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without wearing a blouse or shirt!" "But Father, I have a divine right," she informs. "Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still cannot enter THIS church like that!" 
Two young nudists were being shown around the colony. One thing puzzled them....an old man wore an ankle- length beard. "Why do you wear that long beard?", they asked him. "Somebody's got to go out for coffee," was the answer. A little boy hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies: "Well, uh... you go there to... have a good time." The boy starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there too, but his father insists that he's too young. Saturday night his dad and a few friends go to "Suzie's" to "have a good time", not knowing the little boy is following them. After his father leaves, the little boy enters the whorehouse and tells the madame that he wants to have a good time. She's a bit puzzled at first, but being a kind-hearted lady she gives him three doughnuts and tells him to leave. Later that night he comes home, his parents all worried. His father approaches him first and asks him where he's been. "IN A WHOREHOUSE!" he screams proudly. "WHAT? Well... uh... how was it?" "I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the last."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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