Saturday, August 18, 2012, 05:08 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 18
We seem to have finally gotten summer weather.
The guys are all grinning, because the girls are shedding the
cold weather clothes and showing off their cleavages.
Compliments are up and the general mood is too.
There is a lot of good natured joking about Gullible Warming,
but few take it seriously. When somebody does, they get
instantly shut down with the question: "How many kids did you
see tube down the river?"
"Uh, duh, the water is still too cold this year. In my day, we
were tubing all through August."
Right. This man-made Gullible Warming cools down the rivers,
and increases the ice pack in the Antarctic. You better stop
farting around!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went
every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and
Easter and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays.
On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and
he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was. Vhile dey were
taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said,
"Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next
Friday?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up
his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the
finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over
at Lena and said,
"Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School
class?"
Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after
dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of
cigarettes.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?"
"Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School
class?"
Vell, Ole vas feeling pretty low after that, so he yust got in
his Ford and vas driving Lena home ven dey passed the Hot Springs
Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had
nothing to lose.
"Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel
with me?"
"Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena.
Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then
and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the
motel and checked in vith Lena.
The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there
in the bed, her blond curls on the pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat
have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena,
I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to
tell your Sunday School class?"
"Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to
smoke or drink to have a good time!"
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing
her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very
difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,"
she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of
pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse
me, but how do you make it last an hour?"
Thanks to Dianne for this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
Pooch Tanning Salon
>From Rick
Our instructor was lecturing about self-examination of the breast or
testicles when a female student asked another male student and me if we
ever got an erection while we did self- examination of our testicles.
We answered that it was possible that we had. You know, you don't
really want everyone to know when you get aroused.
She then asked, "What do you do about it?"
We said in unison, "Nothing, why?"
She then said, "You mean you go around with a hard penis
all day?"
We said: "Nah, no way!"
She then stated, "You mean a man's penis will go down without
having an orgasm?"
We both said: Yes, sure, no problem."
At which time she said, "I'm going to kill my husband!"
Your Honor," she told the judge, "I want a divorce.
My husband has been cheating on me.
"That is a serious accusation," the judge said.
"Do you have any evidence to substantiate this
claim of your husband's infidelity?"
"Yes, Your Honor. Just last night I was walking down
Broadway when I saw him go into a movie with another
woman."
"Who was this other woman?" the judge asked.
"I don't know. I never saw her before." "Then why
didn't you follow them into the theatre and find
out who she was. It may have been just a harmless
coincidence. You should have gone in after them."
"I would have," she explained,
"but the fellow I was with had already seen the picture."
Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the
brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.
"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.
"Nope," Jimmy replied.
"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.
"Nope."
"You didn't steal it did you?"
"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the
other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his
watch to get rid of me."
Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and
extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to
get one for himself.
That night he waited outside his parents' room until
he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.
Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode
into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke,
turned and asked him angrily, "What do you
want now?"
"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.
"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then,"
said his father
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Zucchini Bread
Ingredients:
3 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1 teaspoon ground nutmeg
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
3 cups sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs, beaten
1/3 cup water
2 cups grated zucchini
1 teaspoon lemon juice
1 cup chopped walnuts or pecans
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
In a large bowl, combine flour, salt, nutmeg, baking soda,
cinnamon and sugar.
In a separate bowl, combine oil, eggs, water, zucchini
and lemon juice. Mix wet ingredients into dry, add nuts
and fold in.
Bake in 2 standard loaf pans, sprayed with nonstick spray,
for 1 hour, or until a tester comes out clean.
Cool a few minutes before serving.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Rhub00rb
1099
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Irish Lasses fall for that!
Friday, August 17, 2012, 05:22 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 17
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
New oil import stats show that because Obama's buddy Chavez
has reduced oil production, US imports of heavy crude from
Saudi Arabia have increased 20%. Saudi heavy crude is not
very desirable, as far as oil refineries are concerned. It is OK
for ship fuel and asphalt, but is very poor in the volatiles
necessary for gasoline and especially for jet fuel.
Considering that the Government needs high gasoline and
Diesel prices, becasue that means their cut amounts to more
money, don't expect prices to drop in the foreseable futrue.
Except for asphalt.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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If you upset your wife/husband, she/he nags you.....
If you upset her/him even more, you get the silent treatment.
Don't you think it's worth the extra effort?
A couple is watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.''
The husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...''
The wife says, "no".
The husband asks again, and again she says no.
The husband asks, ''Is that your final answer?''
The wife says yes!
The husband says, ''well, then I will phone a friend!''
Click through the picture for full size
Under The Storm
If every time you sneezed you had an orgasm, what would you
take for it?
Either ragweed or pepper
If a woman is a nympho, what does that make her husband?
Tired
What is one draw back to oral sex?
The view
"Personal ads" in the Dublin News
Heavy drinker,35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a
man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and
starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by long-time fiancie,
seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in
this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty
after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes,
maybe more.
Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the
arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a
lovely chest.
Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and
dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering
cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for
the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin
sister.
---------------
Apparently Irish lasses fall for that kind of ads!
Six months after a waiter died, his widow went to see a
medium, who promised she would contact the man in
the great beyond.
During the seance, the widow was sure she saw her
husband standing in the corner, dressed in his waiter's
outfit. "Arnold!" she cried. "Come closer and speak to me!"
A ghostly voice drifted from the corner... "I can't.
It's not my table. I'm in the Smoking section."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Blueberries and Walnut Wheat Germ Muffins
Ingredients:
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup wheat flour
1/2 cup oatmeal (ground in coffee grinder for finer consistency)
1/4 cup flax seed (grounding up is optional)
1 cup wheat germ
2 tsps baking powder
1 tsp salt
----------------------
1/2 cup chopped walnuts
1 egg (beaten)
1/4 cup canola oil
1/4 cup honey
1/4 cup molasses
1 cup skim milk
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 cup blueberries
Directions:
Preheat oven to 400.
In a large bowl, combine dry ingredients
(from top down to salt). Stir in walnuts. In a medium
bowl, beat together egg, oil, honey, and molasses.
Beat in milk and vanilla extract. Add liquid ingredients
to dry, stirring just until mixed. Gently fold in blueberries.
Line muffin cups with cupcake papers, and divide batter
among cups. Bake for 18-20 minutes, or until a toothpick
inserted into center comes out clean and tops are lightly
browned. Remove from oven and let cool for a few
minutes before putting on a rack to cool.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1097
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Thursday, August 16, 2012, 05:23 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 16
Thanks for renewing, David!
Facebook is going to try another silly advertising stunt.
They will package ads to make them look like newsfeeds,
and insert them, when a user hapens to use a trigger word.
If you mention, that you gave somebody the boot, they will
insert a shoe ad packaged to look like a news item.
The last time they tried a silly stunt like that, they got
sued big time, and wound up shutting that effort down
after less than two years.
The silly "Time Line" gimmick, that few people really
understand, including me, is supposed to prepare you for
the new ads. Well, so far I have not even had time to read
up about that "Time Line". Guess I better budget some time
for that.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a
party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her
necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back
of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her
request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach it."
"Try further down," she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by
everyone in the room, which made him feel most uncomfortable
and he whispered to the girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."
"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the damn necklace."
An American couple, on vacation with some friends, in
Mexico was shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs. The
time passed and the couple realized that neither of them were wearing
watches. They noticed a little Mexican man laying down taking a siesta
next to a mule, with the largest set of testicles they had ever seen.
Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican
man, "Excuse us, could you tell us what time it is?"
The little Mexican man reaches his hand out under the
enormous set of nuts lifting them high and says "It's
3 o'clock."
Amazed by this, the American couple go off to find their friends and
tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there, can
tell time by lifting his mule's testicles!"
Curious and amazed by this, the friends want to see first
hand, so they go back and ask him what time it was.
Sure enough, the little Mexican man reaches out again,
cups his hands under the mule's nuts, lifts them up as
if to weigh them and says, "It is 3:15."
Their friends check the time on their watches and sure
enough, the little Mexican was correct.
Blown away by this, finally the American couple asks,
"It is just amazing, how do you do that?"
"Do what?" the Mexican asks
"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"
"Ah," says the Mexican..."You sit here, I'll teach you"
So the man sits down, the Mexican tells him to lift the mule's
nuts.
"Now," says the Mexican, "Can you see that big church
clock across the street?"
Click through the picture for full size
Sculptured Garden
>From Liz
One fine day, I was about to enjoy an "afternoon delight"
with a gentleman I knew. We'd been at it pretty hot and
heavy on the couch when someone knocked at my door.
I got up to peek out, and saw that it was no one of importance,
but when I looked back, my gentleman friend was GONE!
Calling his name, I finally found him standing in my bathroom,
on the side counter, still totally nude, but holding his
sneakers in one hand.
"What on Earth are you doing standing here holding
your shoes?" I asked.
"Well," he answered, "I didn't know whether I might
have to run!"
Dumb ass amateur, and leave his clothes behind?
Q: How many cute guys does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: If you're in the dark with a cute guy,
why worry about the lights?!
Women are looking for Mr. Right.
Men are looking for Mrs. Right Now.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing; I'm all out of breath.
Darn,I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way.
Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having
trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Tortellini Alfredo
Ingredients:
1 (16-oz.) jar Alfredo pasta sauce
1 1/4 cups water
1/2 teaspoon dried basil leaves
1/4 teaspoon pepper
2 (9-oz.) pkg. refrigerated cheese-filled tortellini
1 (14-oz.) pkg. Green Giant Select® Frozen Broccoli Florets
Directions:
In large bowl, combine Alfredo pasta sauce, water, basil
and pepper; mix well with wire whisk. Stir in tortellini and
broccoli. Spoon into ungreased 11x7-inch (2-quart) glass
baking dish. Cover with foil; refrigerate at least 8 hours or
overnight.
Preheat oven to 350º (180º C)
Bake covered for 45 minutes.
Uncover baking dish; stir well.
Cover; bake an additional 15 to 20 minutes or until bubbly
and thoroughly heated.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1092
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Wednesday, August 15, 2012, 04:00 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 15
American Pie x 100 Million
The U.S. population Tuesday passed the nerdy milestone of
100 million times pi, or 314,159,265 residents, the Census
Bureau reported.
"Shortly after 2:29 p.m. EDT today, the U.S. population clock
reached a milestone that is very meaningful to mathematical
statisticians: It will show there are 314,159,265 residents,
or pi (3.14159265) times 100 million," the bureau said in
a release.
Pi is a mathematical constant that is the ratio of a circle's
circumference to its diameter.
"This is a once in many generations event ... so go out and
celebrate this American pi," Census Bureau Chief
Demographer Howard Hogan said.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic
condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he
announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
"Why don't you wear Silver," answers his wife. "it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"
Reports of UFOs in Britain have dwindled since the late
1990s. Sightings have gone from about 30 a week to almost
zero; it's a trend echoed in the US and Norway.
It's a well documented fact that in times of war, alcohol consumption
increases. This means people spend more time in bars
babe gazing and less time on the roof star gazing.
Click through the picture for full size
>From Prof Bill
WHY THE INTERNET IS LIKE A VAGINA
The more people use it the bigger it gets.
If you play with it too much you can go blind.
You wouldn't believe the things people put in there!
Some people think they know how to move around in it,
but they really can't interface.
In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to receive
information considered vital to the survival of the species.
Some people still think that's the only thing it should be
used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.
It has no conscience and no memory.
It provides a way to interact with other people.
If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures,
it can spread viruses.
It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you
use it too much you'll find it becomes more and more
difficult to think coherently.
You think you're just playing around, but you can get
involved in something that takes 9 months to finish.
The part you see is actually just the front end of a very
complicated system.
If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you
in big trouble.
It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good
your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may
ask yourself "why on earth did I do that?"
Some folks have it, some don't.
Those who have it think that those who don't have it are
somehow inferior.
Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy,
but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make
about it. Still, many of those who don't have it, spend all their
time and money trying to access it.
Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some
people would just play with it all day if they didn't have
work to do.
Some people believe in security and avoiding penetration
but others believe it should be open to all comers.
It had promised to be a sensational divorce case,
with the Yuppette accused of incredible escapades.
Testifying before her own attorney, she projected
an image of sweet innocence, and told a tale of
wifely fidelity and sacrifice, and was quite believable.
When it was time for cross-examination though,
the husband's lawyer said, "Isn't it true on the night
of June 12th, in a driving rainstorm, you had sexual
intercourse with two circus stunt-men on the handle
bars of a careening Harley Davidson motorcycle,
that passed through Columbia at speeds in excess
of seventy-five miles per hour?"
The Yuppette turned pale, but retained her
remarkable self-control and composure. Her
voice was almost serene in its innocence as
she asked, "That is ridiculous! His Harley does
not go that fast!"
The budget-minded women was always clipping coupons in the
young, lean years when she was first married, and even kept
detailed records of how much money she saved. One of her
first jobs way back then was running the cash register at the
local drugstore.
One day, she had a self-conscious young man approach the
counter to buy some condoms. She noticed a dollar-off
coupon on the box and asked him if he'd like to use it,
adding that she and her husband had saved over $400
redeeming coupons last year.
The stunned young man replied, "On these?!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM STYLE Orange Chocolate Cheesecake
Ingredients:
1 cup Graham Cracker Crumbs
2 tablespoons melted butter
1 lb cottage cheese (or the closestto a pound you can get it)
1 8oz pack of cream cheese
3 large eggs
2/3 cup sugar
3/4 cup cocoa
1/2 cup sei-sweet chocolate crumbs (or small chips)
1 frozen orange, grated or shredded in processor
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350º (180º C)
Line a 9" diameter deep pie pan orcake pan with wax paper
Combine crumbs and melted butter. Pat evenly over bottom
and about 1 3/4 inch up side of the pan
Bake in a 350F oven 10 to 12 minutes
Let it cool 5 minutes
Mix the rest of the ingredients in a blender until nice and smooth.
Gently pour into the crust.
Bake 45 - 50 minutes or until center barely jiggles when cake
is gently shaken.
Cool and refrigerate 3 hours.
If you want to make it really fancy, you can sprinkle
semi-sweet chocolate shavings over it and drizzle a teaspoon
orange liqueur over it, after it has cooled.
Please note, this Orange Chocolate Cheesecake will get you
accused of being a great cook and volunteered for cooking
until you produce a really spectacular disaster!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Noisiest BBQ
1087
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Tuesday, August 14, 2012, 02:50 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, August 14
A few fans in England corrected me about the Olympic medals.
When looing at the Gold medals, then Great Britain is
defiitely Third, ahead of Russia.
Congratultions!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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This classic is from the days of Zippo lighters, that used
lighter fluid (white gas) instead of butane.
Sharon who was a heavy smoker invested in a cigarette
lighter to economise in matches. After a short time it
began to give her trouble.
So she spoke to Martin who had one, having just seen
him light a cigarette with it and put it in his pocket.
Sharon: "Now be a dear, and tell me about that thing
you have there in your trousers."
Martin: (Misunderstanding her and feeling a bit
embarrassed) "I'm not used to discussing such things
with ladies."
Sharon: "Now there is no need to be shy. Tell me, how
does yours work? Do you jerk it up and down?"
Martin: "Oh, sometimes..."
Sharon: "Then it's different from mine, just opens
and shuts. Do you rub yours up and down until something
comes?"
Martin: "Oh yes, especially in cold weather."
Sharon: "Have you ever tried pulling your wick and
dipping it?"
Martin: "No, most certainly not!"
Sharon: "Oh. You should, it does it good. You never
soaked it before then?"
Martin: "Of course I haven't."
Sharon: "You should try it then sometimes, it takes
the stiffness out of it."
Martin: "Er, well... I'm afraid that you are a naughty
girl."
Sharon: (Thinking he referred to smoking) "Oh, every
girl does it now a days anyway. What about your wick,
is it a long one?"
Martin: "Yes, it is rather on the long side."
Sharon: "I think I will have to try a bigger one
because the one I use does not seem to go far enough
to do any good. Does yours go red on the end when it's
dry?"
Martin: "Yes."
Sharon: "So does mine. In the past mine has been giving
me much trouble. Would you like to have a look at it?"
Martin: "No no, not now. We had better wait until it's
dark."
Sharon: "Don't be ridiculous, you can see much better
in the daylight. It has been leaking these past few
days so I have put a rag around it. I'll unwind it now
(opening her handbag and producing her lighter). Look,
here it is (dashing her lighter). It has run out again,
damn... now I'll have to go back to matches."
A man boards an airplane and takes his seat. As he settles
in, he glances up and sees a most beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards
his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washes over him.
Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"Business trip or vacation?"
She turns, smiles and says, "Business. I'm going to the
annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
Whoa ! ! ! He swallows hard and is instantly CRAZED
with excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever
seen, sitting RIGHT next to him and she's going to a meeting
of Nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his outward cool,
he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?"
She says, "Lecturer. I use my experiences to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really," he says, swallowing hard, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explains, "one popular myth is that African
American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact,
it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to
possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men
are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent."
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes.
"I'm sorry," she says, "I shouldn't be discussing this with you,
I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto. Tonto Goldstein." the man says as he extends his hand.
Click through the picture for full size
Alice was well into her sixties when she went to her doctor
complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps.
After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the
hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her
with the results.
"Mrs. Jones, medically impossible though it seems at
your age, there's no doubt about it.... you're pregnant."
"Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When
she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her
78 year old husband, and yelled,
"You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!"
There was a long pause at the other end of the line.
Then a voice said,
"Who is this?"
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of
other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where of
course, men are just grateful."
--- Jay Leno
A man walks up to the drugstore counter and asks for some
condoms. The man behind the counter tells him to go see
Edna in aisle 4.
So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs him by the crotch,
then gets on the PA system and says,
"Medium condom. Medium condom."
Well the man is very embarrassed, but goes to the
counter to get his condoms.
Later, a second man goes up to the counter to get
some condoms. The druggist tells him to go see
Edna in aisle 4.
Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets
on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs
a large condom."
The man is quite pleased, and goes to pick up his
condoms.
Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to buy some
condoms for the very first time. He's told to go see
Edna is aisle 4.
Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says,
"Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM STYLE Sacher Torte
Ingredients:
1 No-Name-Brand chocolate cake mix
(a name brand mix will work too)
1 cup water
1/2 cup oil
3 eggs
2 TBSP sour cream
1/4 tsp vanilla
1/4 tsp almond extract
1/4 tsp cinnamon
-----------------------
2-3 TBSP KRAFT apricot jam
1 tsp brandy
----------------------
1 square semi-sweet chocolate
1 tsp butter
Directions:
Preheat oven to 350º (180º C)
Line a 9" cake pan with wax paper
Mix the top ingredients with a blender until smooth
Keep scraping down the sides of the bowl and
keep mixing for about 2 minutes, no more than that.
Pour into the pan and bake 25-30 minutes.
Use an alamr if you go check email in the meantime!
Mix the apricot jam with a bit of brandy until smooth.
When the cake is done,
toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean)
grab the wax paper and slide it out of the tilted pan
onto the counter top.
Use dental floss to saw the cake into two layers.
Quickly smear the thinned jam evenly onto the bottom layer,
slap the top layer on and make the chocolate cover:
Put the busted up square of semi-sweet chocolate
(No-Name or Bakers) and the butter into a preheated
(with hot water) ceramic or glass bowl, and microwave
precisely 60 seconds. When don, stir quickly with a
rubber or plastic spatula until smooth.
Immediately pour it onto the cake and smear it smooth.
It does nt have to be precise, just reasonably smooth.
Since the cake is still hot, it will smooth itself quite nicely.
If you agitate it too long, or if you reheat the melted
chocolate, it will curdle and look and taste terrible.
The original Sacher Torte at the Hotel Sacher in Vienna
costs $10 for a tiny little slice and would taste almost as
good as my recipe, if they did not use so much sugar.
If you want their recipe, add 1/2 cup of sugar to the cake
mix, use sweet plum jam instead of apricot and don't thin
it with brandy, and use Crisco instead of butter with the
chocolate.
Kids prefer the much sweeter original recipe.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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