Gruesome 
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Sunday, August 5

Enjoy!
Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter Please, help me stay online!
Name of a bed cover that is the same as a male of a not English speaking country: Answer at the end
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up. "Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked. "I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go." "You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me." The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away." The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?" "No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
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Pageant Night Miss Universe Beauty Pageant Q & A Portion. The FINALISTS QUESTION : Ms. America, how would you describe a male organ in your country? MS. AMERICA:Well, I would say that male organs in America are like gentlemen. QUESTION : Why do you say that? MS. AMERICA:Because it stands every-time it sees a woman..... (Applause!.... Applause!) QUESTION : Ms. Spain, how would you describe a male organ in your country? MS. SPAIN: Male organs in our country are like toros in our very own bullfight. QUESTION : Why do you say that? MS. SPAIN :Because it charges every-time it sees an opening. (Applause!... Applause!) QUESTION : Ms. Britain, how would you describe a male organ in your country? MS. BRITAIN : Male organs in our country are like Shakespearean actors. QUESTION : Why do you say that? MS. BRITAIN : Because after every performance everybody cries. (Applause!... Applause!) QUESTION : Ms. Iran, how would you describe a male organ in your country? MS. IRAN : Well, I can say that male organs in Iran are like thieves. QUESTION : And why do you say that? MS. IRAN : Because they always enter through the back door..... (Applause!... Applause!) QUESTION : Ms. India, how would you describe a male organ in your country? MS. INDIA: Well, I can say that a male organ in India is like a labourer. QUESTION : Why do you say that? MS. INDIA: Because it works day and night.... (Applause!.. Applause!) QUESTION: Ms. Philippines, how would you describe a male organ in your country? MS. PHILIPPINES : Ahh...well, of course, hihihihi...I can say that male organs in our country are like chismis... QUESTION : Chismis??? MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy! Sorry... Its like, ahh like...it means GOSSIP in our language. QUESTION : Hmm... Interesting comparison. And why do you say that? MS. PHILIPPINES : Ayy... nervous!!! Hihihihihi! Because...I mean...because it passes from mouth to mouth. (STANDING OVATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

THINGS A GUY DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR HIS BLIND DATE SAY: I'm glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn't want to be alone. Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in. Don't worry, I've got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you're a good boy and pay attention. That's odd, you sounded handsome on the phone. Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen? This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue's in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary? Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead. You look surprised. Didn't you know I was a female impersonator? I'm sorry, something came up and I can't make it, but I've arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before? My sister could not make it, because somebody bailed her husband. But don't worry, I am almost fourteen.
A Scotsman and a young girl are waiting for a bus. The girl says, "What do you Scots wear under your kilts?" The Scot says, "Why don't you put your hand up it and find out?" She sticks her hand up his kilt and immediately withdraws, shocked. "It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims. The Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll grue some more if you put your hand back up there!!"
RECIPE SECTION, thanks to Sr Anna Cinnamon Baked Sweet Potatoes Ingredients: 2 1/2 lbs. sweet potatoes or yams, peeled and cut into small cubes 6 Tbsp. Melted Margarine 1/2 + 1/2 Teaspoon Cinnamon 1 Tbsp. firmly packed light brown sugar Directions: Preheat oven to 425 Toss potatoes, 2 tablespoons Margarine, Cinnamon and Brown Sugar in large bowl. Arrange potatoes on baking sheet in single layer. Roast, stirring once, 35 minutes or until golden brown. Drizzle with remaining 4 tablespoons Margarine and sprinkle with Cinnamon. Happy Appetite! Sr Anna
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She wants to go along 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, August 4

Looks like the weather relented and returned to normal
August weather, in spite of the long weekend. Sunny and hot.
We still got some clouds now, but I have a hunch they will get
cooked away shortly.

Enjoy!
Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter Please, help me stay online!
According to Jay Leno, what is the best place to be during an earthquake? Answer at the end
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets. It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people to go on. --- Jean Kerr Dear Ophelia My wife and I can't agree on our vacation. -I want to go to the Bahamas, and she wants to go with me!!! Barry
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One Greek says to another Greek, "Do you think you'll ever go back to Greece?" "No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y Jelly!"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has been unfaithful during his time away. "Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?" "No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein." "Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?" "No, not him." "Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!" "No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..." Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried. "None of my friends are good enough for you?"
Groan Alert: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN...... A goldfish and a mountain goat ? One mucks around in fountains. A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ? One is used for cunning stunts. A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ? One shoots but can't hit. A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ? One sucks and sucks and never fails. Caucus and cactus ? One has the pricks on the outside. A girl in church and a girl in the bath ? One has a soul full of hope. A war horse and a draught horse ? One darts into the fray. Your girlfriend and your bank account ? Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal. A good girl and a nice girl ? A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.
RECIPE SECTION, thanks to Sr Anna DORM Style 3 minute Potato Soup Ingredients: 1 can chicken vegetable soup 3 cups water or milk 2 TBSP Butter 1 TBSP dry minestrone soup mix (or similar) 1 TBSP dried onion chips 1 TBSP dried chive chips 1 TBSP dried parsley 1 TBSP bacon bits ------- 4 TBSP instant mashed potatoes ------- 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.) Directions: Bring the top ingredients to a rolliung boil take them off the burner and quickly stir in the mashed potatoes Ladle the soup into preheated soup bowls and sprinkle the shredded cheese over top. Happy Appetite! Sr Anna
Thanks to Penny for this:
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Since 1/1/11 free counters Countries
Answer: A Hooters restaurant.

Ophelia Dingbatter
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Using her hand 
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Friday, August 3
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!



August rain? And gas prices jumping up? 
Oh, it's the long weekend!
I forgot about that.

To make things even more interesting, the contractor, who
does the highway maintenance is doing work on all bridges
on the #2, from 100 miles south of here to the edge of 
downtown. 

Looks like a house cleaning weekend!

Enjoy!
Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter Please, help me stay online!
What was the first PC (Personal Computer) available to the general public? Answer at the end
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, crushed nuts? "No," he replied, "Arthritis"
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>From Dianne: One more reason for proper usage of the language! An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Liz or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Liz came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Liz, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Liz replied, "Could you jack off? I have a headache".
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town. After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom. "Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it." "Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."
Two young ladies are sitting in a movie-theater. "That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers to the other. "Just ignore it", is the answer. "Easy for you to say. He has been using my hand for the last twenty minutes!".
RECIPE SECTION, thanks to Sr Anna Baked Potato Soup Ingredients: 2 Tbsp. Margarine or Buter 1 small onion, chopped 2 medium baking potatoes (about 12 oz. ea.), baked, peeled and cubed 3 cups milk 1 can (14.5 oz.) chicken broth 1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.) Directions: 1. Melt Margarine or Butter in 4-quart saucepot over medium heat and add in onion, stirring occasionally, 5 minutes or until tender. Stir in potato, milk and broth. Blend with a hand mixer until smooth (a fork or whisk works, also). Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Remove from heat and stir in 1/2 cup cheese. Cover and let stand 2 minutes; stir until smooth. Season to taste with salt and black pepper. 2. Sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup cheese and serve. You can add crumbled bacon, chopped green onions and sour cream if you like. Happy Appetite! Sr Anna
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Answer: Tandy TRS available at the RadioShack today in 1977

Ophelia Dingbatter
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She puts them back on again 
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, August 2

Thank you, Sig!

Noisy hail at night refreshes the air quite nicely,
and cools off the night. Two nights in a row now.
Sure is nice going to sleep after ithas cooled oof.

Enjoy!
Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter Please, help me stay online!
What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Answer at the end
Allan moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely have the Hinkley nose like your Grandpa, but you should get a better barber. The hairstyle you got is not flattering for a good looking young man like you!"
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A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out panties and he used these to polish his car with. Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?" Well that's a really personal question" she replied demurely, "But, if I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?". The scout replied "He does not like your horse either!"
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would drop dead," she screamed. "There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.
RECIPE SECTION, thanks to Sr Anna Apple Oatmeal Squares Ingredients: 1 cup brown sugar 1 cup rolled oats 1 cup all-purpose flour 1/2 cup butter, melted 3 cups apples - peeled, cored and chopped finely 1/2 cup white sugar 2 teaspoons ground cinnamon Directions Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease an 8 inch square pan. In a large bowl, combine brown sugar, oats, flour and butter. Mix until crumbly. Place half of crumb mixture in pan. Spread the apples evenly over crumb mixture. Sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon and top with remaining crumb mixture. Bake in the preheated oven for 40 to 45 minutes, or until golden brown. Set out to cool. When cooled, cut into squares, use a spatula to remove squares from pan and enjoy! Happy Appetite! Sr Anna
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Answer: The same middle name.

Ophelia Dingbatter
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"Oral" exam 
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Good Morning,  !
Today is Wednesday, August 1

Welcome to Amy!
Thanks for subscribing to the real list!

Enjoy!
Ophelia
Ophelia Dingbatter Please, help me stay online!
"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates obesity. They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would all be thin. That's why supermodels are so skinny." --- Jay Leno
O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her, but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he proposed marriage and she accepted. On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did." "Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said. "That's how I lost all of my other suitors."
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>from Mona My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake." After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I surely feel sorry for the person who named this dessert."
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

On the last day of her English class, Marilyn, a professor, was reviewing the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam." she explained to her students. After the class, one of her male students, a real hunk, realizeing that he needs to do well on the final exam, or he won't graduate approached Marilyn in her office. - "Professor," he says in a sexy husky voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping there was some way you could maybe help me out." Well one thing led to another and it wasn't long before they were making love, humping away on the office desk. Afterward, the lad asks "How's my comprehension?" "So far so good," my cousin, Marilyn says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon." "Why tomorrow?", our enlightened stud asks. "Tomorrow," my cousin, the professor says "you're required to perform the oral part of the exam."
Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home, as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was Sadie standing outside. She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except for a small frilly white apron. "Do you want to play games?" Sadie asked, "I'll be Mimi, the French maid." "Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and take off your coat." He looked Sadie over quite carefully and said, "OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife. I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends, and while I'm gone, you're going to cleaning up the kitchen. Be careful with the crockery and don't mix up the silverware. OK?"
RECIPE SECTION, thanks to Sr Anna Chocolate Chip Chunky Cookies: Easy! Ingredients: 1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix 1 (3.4 ounce) package instant butterscotch pudding mix 2/3 cup rolled oats 1/2 cup vegetable oil 1/2 cup sour cream 1/4 cup water 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 1 cup semisweet chocolate chips Directions Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease cookie sheets. In a large bowl, stir together cake mix, instant pudding, and rolled oats. Add oil, sour cream, water, and vanilla; mix until smooth and well blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls, and place 2 inches apart on the prepared cookie sheets. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a cooling rack and cool completely. Happy Appetite! Sr Anna
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Answer: Fork

Ophelia Dingbatter
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