Saturday, August 4, 2012, 06:58 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, August 4
Looks like the weather relented and returned to normal
August weather, in spite of the long weekend. Sunny and hot.
We still got some clouds now, but I have a hunch they will get
cooked away shortly.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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According to Jay Leno, what is the best place to be
during an earthquake?
Answer at the end
I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets.
It seems to me they are wonderful things for other people
to go on.
--- Jean Kerr
Dear Ophelia
My wife and I can't agree on our vacation.
-I want to go to the Bahamas,
and she wants to go with me!!!
Barry
Click through the picture for full size
One Greek says to another Greek, "Do you think you'll ever go
back to Greece?"
"No," he answered, "I'll stick with K-Y
Jelly!"
Morris returns from a long business trip and finds out that his wife has
been unfaithful during his time away.
"Who was it!!!???" he yells. "That alta kakker Goldstein?"
"No," replied his wife. "It wasn't Goldstein."
"Was it Feldman, that dirty old man?"
"No, not him."
"Aha! Then it must have been that idiot Rabinovich!"
"No, it wasn't Rabinovich either..."
Morris was now fuming. "What's the matter?" he cried.
"None of my friends are good enough for you?"
Groan Alert:
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN......
A goldfish and a mountain goat ?
One mucks around in fountains.
A magician's wand and a policeman's baton ?
One is used for cunning stunts.
A cross eyed archer and a constipated owl ?
One shoots but can't hit.
A Swiss admiral and a reliable vacuum cleaner ?
One sucks and sucks and never fails.
Caucus and cactus ?
One has the pricks on the outside.
A girl in church and a girl in the bath ?
One has a soul full of hope.
A war horse and a draught horse ?
One darts into the fray.
Your girlfriend and your bank account ?
Nothing... You lose interest on withdrawal.
A good girl and a nice girl ?
A good girl has the bloom of youth in her cheeks but
the nice girl has the cheek of youth in her bloomers.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM Style 3 minute Potato Soup
Ingredients:
1 can chicken vegetable soup
3 cups water or milk
2 TBSP Butter
1 TBSP dry minestrone soup mix (or similar)
1 TBSP dried onion chips
1 TBSP dried chive chips
1 TBSP dried parsley
1 TBSP bacon bits
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4 TBSP instant mashed potatoes
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1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.)
Directions:
Bring the top ingredients to a rolliung boil
take them off the burner and quickly stir in the mashed potatoes
Ladle the soup into preheated soup bowls and
sprinkle the shredded cheese over top.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Thanks to Penny for this:
Answer: A Hooters restaurant.
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Friday, August 3, 2012, 05:18 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, August 3
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
August rain? And gas prices jumping up?
Oh, it's the long weekend!
I forgot about that.
To make things even more interesting, the contractor, who
does the highway maintenance is doing work on all bridges
on the #2, from 100 miles south of here to the edge of
downtown.
Looks like a house cleaning weekend!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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What was the first PC (Personal Computer) available
to the general public?
Answer at the end
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, crushed nuts?
"No," he replied, "Arthritis"
Click through the picture for full size
>From Dianne:
One more reason for proper usage of the language!
An executive was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one
of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people,
Liz or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they
were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used
the water cooler first would have to go.
Liz came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after
partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water
to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and
said: "Liz, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you
or Jack off."
Liz replied, "Could you jack off? I have a headache".
Joan had invited her younger sister, Nancy, to leave her
country home and come to the city for a weekend to see
how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of
hers named Bill to take Nancy out for a night on the town.
After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nancy went to
Bill's apartment for a nightcap. They talked and listened to
soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they
retire to the bedroom.
"Oh, no," Nancy protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."
"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm.
"She loves it."
Two young ladies are sitting in a movie-theater.
"That man beside me is fumbling his crotch", one whispers
to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer.
"Easy for you to say. He has been using my hand for the
last twenty minutes!".
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Baked Potato Soup
Ingredients:
2 Tbsp. Margarine or Buter
1 small onion, chopped
2 medium baking potatoes (about 12 oz. ea.), baked, peeled and cubed
3 cups milk
1 can (14.5 oz.) chicken broth
1 cup shredded cheddar cheese (about 4 oz.)
Directions:
1. Melt Margarine or Butter in 4-quart saucepot over
medium heat and add in onion, stirring occasionally,
5 minutes or until tender.
Stir in potato, milk and broth. Blend with a hand mixer
until smooth (a fork or whisk works, also).
Bring to a boil over medium heat, stirring occasionally.
Remove from heat and stir in 1/2 cup cheese.
Cover and let stand 2 minutes; stir until smooth.
Season to taste with salt and black pepper.
2. Sprinkle with remaining 1/2 cup cheese and serve.
You can add crumbled bacon, chopped green onions and
sour cream if you like.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Tandy TRS available at the RadioShack today in 1977
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She puts them back on again
Thursday, August 2, 2012, 04:13 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, August 2
Thank you, Sig!
Noisy hail at night refreshes the air quite nicely,
and cools off the night. Two nights in a row now.
Sure is nice going to sleep after ithas cooled oof.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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What do John the Baptist and Winnie the Pooh have in
common?
Answer at the end
Allan moved into a nudist colony. He received a letter from
his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too
embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,
he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a
picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in
half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really
worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but
then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is
and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. You definitely have the
Hinkley nose like your Grandpa, but you should get a better
barber. The hairstyle you got is not flattering for a good
looking young man like you!"
Click through the picture for full size
A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and
glossy. The neighbor replied that his wife gave him all her worn out
panties and he used these to polish his car with.
Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of
hers, so one day at the office he asked: "By the way, Miss Jones,
what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"
Well that's a really personal question" she replied demurely, "But,
if I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again."
Every morning Custer rode through the Indian Reservation on his horse
accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode
past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger
raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally.
Eventually Custer said to his scout "I know what the chief means by the
vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?".
The scout replied "He does not like your horse either!"
The golfer's wife was in full flight. "If you ever spent a
Sunday with me instead of playing golf I swear I would
drop dead," she screamed.
"There's no point in trying to bribe me," replied the husband.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Apple Oatmeal Squares
Ingredients:
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup rolled oats
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/2 cup butter, melted
3 cups apples - peeled, cored and chopped finely
1/2 cup white sugar
2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Lightly grease an
8 inch square pan.
In a large bowl, combine brown sugar, oats, flour and
butter. Mix until crumbly. Place half of crumb mixture in
pan. Spread the apples evenly over crumb mixture.
Sprinkle with sugar and cinnamon and top with
remaining crumb mixture.
Bake in the preheated oven for 40 to 45 minutes,
or until golden brown.
Set out to cool. When cooled, cut into squares,
use a spatula to remove squares from pan and enjoy!
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: The same middle name.
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Wednesday, August 1, 2012, 04:19 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, August 1
Welcome to Amy!
Thanks for subscribing to the real list!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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"According to the 'Wall Street Journal', researchers at
Harvard have found an enzyme in the brain that regulates
obesity. They said if it wasn't for our brains, we would
all be thin. That's why supermodels are so skinny."
--- Jay Leno
O'Casey had dated many a lass, but he finally became
entranced with Maureen O'Riley. He wooed her and pursued her,
but she would not give in and go to bed with him. Finally he
proposed marriage and she accepted.
On their wedding night, as they undressed in their honeymoon
cottage, O'Casey said, "You know, Maureen, I never would have
wed you if you had gone to bed with me like all the other girls did."
"Experience is the best teacher," Maureen said.
"That's how I lost all of my other suitors."
Click through the picture for full size
>from Mona
My husband and I were invited to a party, and each couple brought a
dish. When it came time to serve dessert, the person who prepared it
said the recipe was called "Better Than Sex Cake."
After my husband tasted it, he blurted out, "I surely feel sorry for the
person who named this dessert."
On the last day of her English class, Marilyn, a professor,
was reviewing the final exam. "The exam will test your
comprehension.
It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam,
and an oral exam." she explained to her students.
After the class, one of her male students, a real hunk,
realizeing that he needs to do well on the final exam,
or he won't graduate approached Marilyn in her office.
-
"Professor," he says in a sexy husky voice, "I don't think
I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping there was
some way you could maybe help me out."
Well one thing led to another and it wasn't long before
they were making love, humping away on the office
desk.
Afterward, the lad asks "How's my comprehension?"
"So far so good," my cousin, Marilyn says, "but you
need to come back tomorrow at noon."
"Why tomorrow?", our enlightened stud asks.
"Tomorrow," my cousin, the professor says
"you're required to perform the oral part of the
exam."
Moishe and Sadie, hoping to get rid of their Rabbi, decided
to trap him by exposing his hypocrisy when his wife went
to Israel to visit her family. The Rabbi was working at home,
as he usually did on Wednesday mornings, preparing his
Shabbat sermon, when the doorbell rang. When he opened
the door, there was Sadie standing outside.
She opened her coat, revealing that she was nude, except
for a small frilly white apron. "Do you want to play games?"
Sadie asked, "I'll be Mimi, the French maid."
"Wonderful, wonderful," the Rabbi said, "come right in and
take off your coat."
He looked Sadie over quite carefully and said,
"OK, let's play. You're the maid and I'm the housewife.
I'm going out to have lunch with a couple of my friends,
and while I'm gone, you're going to cleaning up the kitchen.
Be careful with the crockery and don't mix up the
silverware. OK?"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Chocolate Chip Chunky Cookies: Easy!
Ingredients:
1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix
1 (3.4 ounce) package instant butterscotch pudding mix
2/3 cup rolled oats
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup sour cream
1/4 cup water
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 cup semisweet chocolate chips
Directions
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Lightly grease cookie sheets.
In a large bowl, stir together cake mix,
instant pudding, and rolled oats.
Add oil, sour cream, water, and vanilla; mix until smooth
and well blended. Stir in chocolate chips. Roll dough into
1 1/2 inch balls, and place 2 inches apart on the prepared
cookie sheets.
Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven.
Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before
transferring to a cooling rack and cool completely.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Fork
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Tuesday, July 31, 2012, 04:58 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 31
Nice hot day!
Summer is here!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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What word starts with"f" and ends with a "k"
and if you can't get it you have to use your
hands?
Answer is at the end
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat
at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of
champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just
ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a
special day for me. I'm celebrating too."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!,"
says the woman.
"What a coincidence." says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence." says the man.
"I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile,
but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!," says the woman, "How did your chickens
become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
Click through the picture for full size
Two guys went moose hunting every year without
success. Finally they came up with a foolproof
plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow
moose costume and learned the mating call of
a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the
costume, lure in the bull, then come out of
the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, in their costume, and began to give
the moose love call. Before too long their
call was answered by a bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to
them. They called again, The bull answered,
and came crashing out of the forest and into
the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats
got closer the guy in front said, "OK, lets
get out and get him."
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity,
the guy in the back shouts "THE ZIPPER IS
STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?".
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going
to start nibbling grass, but you better
start to brace yourself!"
An reasonably cute girl goes up to the bar in a
quiet rural Pub. She gestures to the Barman
in a most alluring way. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his
face close to hers. When he does so she
begins to gently caress his beard which is
full and bushy.
"Are you the Janitor?" she asks, softly
stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replies.
"Can you get him for me - I need to speak
to him?" she asks, running her hands up
his face and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the Barman,
clearly aroused.
"Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a
message," she continues huskily, popping
a couple of fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.
"Tell him there is no toilet paper in the Ladies Room"
Two boys were skinny-dipping and the one couldn't
help noticing the size of the other's manhood, so he
asked, "How did ya get it that big?"
The other boy responded, "Well I rub it down every
night with lard."
Two weeks later they were back at the swimming
hole. Once again, there was a comparison made,
with no results.
The first boy said, "I did what ya told me. Every night
I have rubbed it down with Crisco."
The other boy exclaimed, "Idiot! No wonder.
Crisco is shortening."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
DORM style Rice with Mushrooms
Ingredients:
1 cup Instant brow rice
1 can No-Name Mushroom soup
1 can Steakhouse or other sliced mushrooms
1 TBSP Minestrone Soup mix
Directions:
Pour everything into a microwave safe soup bowl
Stir it well and cover it with a plate
Microwave on high for 7 minutes.
Let it steep for 7-10 minutes covered.
Fluff up with a fork and serve.
Serve with fruit salad.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Answer: Fork
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