Friday, July 27, 2012, 02:06 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 27
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A South American Scientist, from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with not enough sexual activities read
their e-mails with the right hand on the mouse...
Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell
head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his
vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious
talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said
to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if
that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes,"
she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see, Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he
added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping
your wrists straight when you tee off."
Click through the picture for full size
Haboo on his 4x4 in the Apricot Desert?
The minister died and the congregation decided, after
some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it was a small
village the only available candidate was the local butcher. Although very
reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she
accepted.
After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking
a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my
mother always said that before the beginning of the
weekend it was a blessing to have sex."
They do it and then on Saturday he tells her,
"According to my father it is a blessing to have sex
during the day before the Sabbath.
There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep
he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should
always have sex on Sabbath night."
Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the
next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a
Christian man always starts the Sabbath by
having sex. So lets do it."
Finally on Monday she goes out to the market
and meets a friend that asks her, "So how is
the new husband?"
"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes
from a wonderfully religious family!"
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Goldblum for advice
about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when
you get out of the shower, rub the top of each of your nipples
and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want a bigger boobie.' "
She did this every day faithfully. After several months,
it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running
late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had
forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs
and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of
the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want a bigger
boobie."
A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr.Goldblum
by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
The man stood up and cupped his crotch and said,
"Hickory dickory dock ....mumble mumble mumble".
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Breakfast Eggs on a Turkey Patty
Ingredients:
2 to 4 fully-cooked turkey patties (2 to 4 oz.)
2 to 4 eggs
2 to 4 Tbsp. milk
Salt and pepper
1 to 2 Tsp. butter
2 slices American cheese, halved
Ketchup, pickles (personal preference)
Directions:
Heat turkey patties according to package directions; k
eep warm.
Beat eggs, milk, salt and pepper in bowl until blended.
Heat butter in nonstick skillet over medium heat until hot.
POUR IN egg mixture. As eggs begin to set, gently pull
the eggs across the pan with an inverted turner, forming
large soft curds.
Continue cooking pulling, lifting and folding eggs until
thickened and no visible liquid egg remains. Do not stir
constantly. REMOVE from heat.
Place turkey patties on microwave-safe plate. Top evenly
with eggs, then with cheese.
Microwave on high a few seconds, just to melt cheese.
Top with ketchup and pickles, if you wish.
{*Also, you can put the topped burgers in a bun and enjoy.}
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1032
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Thaw out a bike carburator
Thursday, July 26, 2012, 03:52 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, July 26
England so far managed to avert strikes at Olympic time.
Routine problems caused more than enough delays and confusion.
Their underground and surface train system, which seems to
be experimental or Beta Test grade at the best of times, had
major problems coping. So did the freeways. Whenever the
queues exceeded 20 km (12 Miles) or the traffic slowed down
below 10 km/h (6 miles / hour) they closed the freeway
entrance ramps, leaving people guessing, how they were
going to get home.
In the meantime an 11 year old kid got through airport
security and onto a plane from London to Rome,
without any ID or ticket. He got caught just before landing
in Rome, because he bragged about it to other passengers,
who were in a snit that they had to pay and the loudmouth
kid didn't, and so they finked on him to the crew.
He was flown back to London on the same plane and turned
over to his mother.
Planned British helicopter sales to North Korea seem to have
been scuttled. North Korea is in a bigger than normal snit
after British organizers in Glasgow, Scotland showed the
South Korean flag for the North Korean women's soccer
team, who stomped off in a major huff, and held up the game
for an hour. Now women's soccer events will probably not get
back onto the published schedule, unless a team is kicked
out for some reason.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps
away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowly sliding down
his chair and under the table, but the woman acted
unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman
dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had
disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over
to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am,
but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "Nah, that
was George.
My husband just walked in the door at the front."
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final
exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you
not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack
or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your
immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand
and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was
suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles
knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says.
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam
with your other hand."
Click through the picture for full size
An RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) officer stopped to help a
stranded rider standing beside a stalled motorcycle in the
mountains. It was cold there in the mountains, and the rider
was heavily dressed in a helmet, balaclava and snowmobile
suit.
In a muffled voice, the rider told the Mountie that the
carburetor was frozen.
A motorcyclist himself, the Mountie remembered an old trick
for just such an occasion
"Try peeing on it," the Mountie said, "That should thaw it."
"Can't," replied the rider.
So the helpful Mountie took out his own equipment and liberally
hosed down the carburetor, and the bike soon fired up.
A few days later, the local department received a thank you note
from a father, grateful for the roadside assistance his young
daughter had received from the RCMP.
The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport (Toronto) on
its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.
"This is Capt Johnson. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I
want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy
your stay in Toronto."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now
hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the
pilot, "Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?
Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel
and have a massive crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess
out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna
wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and fuck her all
night."
Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new
stewardess.
She's so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane
to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down
the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says, "No need to run, dear, he's
gonna have a shit first!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Creamed Pasta and Eggs Made in a Frying Pan
Ingredients:
1 pkg. (7 oz.) small shell pasta, cooked, drained
2 cups cottage cheese
1 tsp. dried marjoram leaves
2 cups frozen broccoli, cauliflower and carrot
vegetable blend (9 oz.), defrosted
4 Eggs
Directions:
Coat large nonstick skillet with cooking spray
(or grease a frying pan well).
Combine pasta, cottage cheese and marjoram in skillet;
toss to coat evenly. ADD vegetables; toss to mix.
Cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until mixture
is heated through and begins to sizzle, 5 to 10 minutes.
Press 4 indentations (about 2-inch diameter) into mixture
with back of spoon.
Break up and slip an egg into each indentation.
Cook, covered, over medium heat until whites are completely
set and yolks begin to thicken but are not hard,
5 to 7 minutes.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1030
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Tuesday, July 24, 2012, 02:16 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 23
Today DearWebby has to go formore injections into
his eyes. That means no Wednesday newsletters. He warned,
maybe not Thursday either, but he usually sees wll enough by the
second evening after the injections to send off the newsletters.
Three days before the Olympics are set to start in London,
they are still 1139 people short for security, transport and
hospitality jobs. The pay for them is $147 per day, which is
not too shabby at all!
That is quite a change from other countries, where people
lined up to work for free at the Olympics, just to be part of it.
Oh, well, the Olympics will still happen.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A couple had not been married for long, when the husband came
home one day to find that his bride had disappeared. He got very
worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife
with no success.
Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find
her in the kitchen. He asked her what she had been up to and why
she hadn't been home for so long.
She replied:
"These four men kidnapped me to have wild sex with me for a
week."
The husband answered:
"But it's only been two days what do you mean a week?"
"I am just here to get something to eat."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you
like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale;
it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride
was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had
been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and
Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he
asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her
home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd
it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Click through the picture for full size
Many colleges and business's tend to strip the last name
down to 6 characters and add the first and last initial
to either the beginning or end to make up an E-Mail
address. For example, Mary L. Ferguson = mlfergus or
fergusml. They are just now beginning to realize the
problems that may happen when you have a large and
diverse pool of people to choose from. Add to that a
large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses. Probably not funny to the
individual involved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail Addresses
==============================
10. Hellen Thomas Eatons (Duke University) - eatonsht@dku.edu
9. Martha Elizibeth Cummins (Fresno University) - cumminme@fu.edu
8. George David Blowmer (Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets Inc.) - blowmegd@dropdrawers.com
7. Mary Ellen Dickinson (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) - dickinme@iup.edu
6. Francis Kevin Kissinger (Las Verdes University) - kissinfk@lvu.edu
5. Barbara Joan Beeranger (Myplace Home Decorating) - beeranbj@myplace.com
4. Amanda Sue Pickering (Purdue University) - aspicker@pu.edu
3. Ida Beatrice Ballinger (Ball State University) - ibballin@bsu.edu
2. Bradley Thomas Kissering (Brady Electrical, Northern Division, Overton Canada) - btkisser@bendover.com
1. Isabelle Haydon Adcock (Toys "R" Us) - ihadcock@tru.com
Saw a commercial for Cial... The end of the commercials always
have some "warnings" about using it. One of their warnings
stated something like 'erections lasting more than 4 hours may
need immediate medical attention'. I can see this guy going
to an emergency room and saying "I've got a hard on that won't
go away!"
"Well sir, would you like to see a doctor?"
"No, maybe a nurse or two."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
EASY Banana Bread
Ingredients:
2/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup shortening
2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 cup mashed ripe bananas
Directions:
Notice: This recipe has no eggs or milk.
In a large bowl, cream sugar and shortening for about
5 minutes (mixture does not get smooth).
Combine flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt;
add to creamed mixture alternately with bananas,
beating after each addition (the batter will be thick).
Spoon into a greased 9-in. x 5-in. x 3-in. loaf pan.
Bake at 350 degrees F for 40-45 minutes or until
bread tests done with a toothpick.
Cool in pan for 10 minutes before removing to a wire rack.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Alaskans praying for warmer weather
1026
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Monday, July 23, 2012, 04:27 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 23
Tomorrow DearWebby has to go formore injections into
his eyes. That means no Wednesday newsletters. He warned,
maybe not Thursday either ,but he usually sees wll enough by the
second evening after the injections to send off the newsletters.
I find it amazing how the anti-gun fanatics believe the
murders in Colorado could have been prevented through gun
control laws. Idjits!
The nut blew a ton of money on bulletproof gear and guns
and ammo, then killed twelve people. I would say, let's be
glad the nut slowed himself down with guns! If he had done
his homework and built a few bombs from common household
chemicals, and set them off at a political convention or big
church, he could have killed thousands of people.
Millions of people use guns responsibly. Experienced gun
users would never think of using guns, if they contemplated
mass murder. With guns twelve murders seem to be the limit.
Columbine, Fort AHood, Aurora, etc, just to name a few.
So let's be glad the nut was using a fortune in guns and did
not use the cheap stuff under the kitchen sink!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working,
I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay at my Dad's."
Gary opened the fridge, the light came on and the
beer was cold.
He had no clue what she was talking about!
Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future.
Dad asked Mom: "What will you do if I die before you do?"
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for
a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she
is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"
He replied, "Probably the same thing."
And ducked, fast..
Click through the picture for full size
Rome, Italy
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market
one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The
merchant said that they were four for a dollar.
The nuns said agreed to purchase four. The puzzled
merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when
there were only three of them.
A nun answered back, "Well, we could always eat one.
They are supposedly quite healthy!"
Lucy went to college. However, she really worried her folks because all
she ever wrote home about was boys and good times.
Her mother decided to have a serious talk with Lucy when she
came home for a weekend. The mother started out by saying,
"Now, dear, if you are only going to college to find a husband,
it certainly will be expensive shopping."
"Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
German Lebkuchen (German Spice Cookies)
Ingredients:
2 cups whole almonds
boiling water to cover
2/3 cup chopped dried apricots
8 Medjool dates, pitted and chopped
4 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
1 tablespoon ground cinnamon
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon ground cloves
1/2 teaspoon ground cardamom
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 eggs
1 cup brown sugar
1 cup honey
1/4 cup blackstrap molasses
1 tablespoon water
2 teaspoons almond extract
2 teaspoons grated orange zest
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
3/4 cup powdered sugar
2 tablespoons whole milk
1 teaspoon lemon zest
Directions:
Cover almonds with boiling water in a bowl. Let stand for
1 to 2 minutes and drain. Rinse with cold water and drain
again. Pat almonds dry and remove skin. Allow almonds to
dry on paper towels.
Place half the almonds in a food processor; pulse until
finely chopped. Add apricots and dates; pulse until fruit is
chopped. Reserve remaining 1 cup almonds.
Combine flour, cinnamon, ginger, baking powder, cloves,
cardamom, and salt in bowl. Beat eggs, brown sugar, honey,
molasses, water, almond extract, orange zest, and 1 teaspoon
lemon zest in a large bowl with an electric mixer until smooth.
Add apricot mixture, blending until evenly distributed.
Gradually stir in flour mixture on medium speed until dough
comes together. Cover dough with plastic wrap and
refrigerate for 8 hours to overnight.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
Turn dough onto a lightly floured surface and roll out to
about 1/2-inch thick. Cut out cookies with a 2 1/2 to 3-inch
diameter cookie cutter. Arrange cookies about 1 inch apart
on ungreased baking sheets.
Lightly press 3 almonds into each cookie with tips towards
the center to create a star pattern.
Bake in preheated oven until cookies begin to brown, about
12 minutes. Cool in the pans for 10 minutes before removing
to cool on a wire rack.
Meanwhile, whisk powdered sugar, milk, and 1 teaspoon
lemon zest in a bowl until glaze is smooth. Brush warm cookies
with glaze and allow cookies to cool completely.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1025
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His secretary toook care of it
Sunday, July 22, 2012, 04:29 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, July 22
No, the chair that landed on my porch was not the one, that
almost hit DearWebby in Black Diamond. They don't travel
that far. Usually they fly along just a few feet above the
ground and occasionally clear a hedge, but tusually fences
or porch railings stop them just like they were tumbleweeds.
I have not seen tumbleweeds pass me on the highway for a
long time! I guess the herbicides the farmers use made them
extinct.
I used to think they were magical, because they were out and
about on the highway only at night, and even if they were
coming straight at you, they always veered to the side at the
last moment or went over the vehicle and never got crunched.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Short stuff to get started:
Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. FOR MEN TO BE PREGNANT.
Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?
"Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!"
How did the duffer hit two good balls in a row.
He stepped on a rake.
A young couple was expecting a visit from
the pastor of their church. They wanted
everything to go smoothly, but their two
year old son was just getting the hang of
potty training. He was at the stage where
he would announce at the top of his voice,
"I gotta pee," when he had to go to the
bathroom.
His father, worried that this might be
embarrassing when the minister came
to call, instructed the child, "Don't shout
that you've got to pee. Whisper!" That
evening the pastor makes his visit. He's
there a very long time and the two year
old is on one foot and the other. Finally,
the minister asks him, "What's the matter,
son?"
The child looks at his dad and says, "I've
gotta whisper!"
The pastor says, "It's all right, child.
Whisper in my ear."
Click through the picture for full size
A husband and wife decided they needed to use "a code" to
indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their
children in on it.
They decided on the word "typewriter."
One day the husband told his five year old daughter,
"Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."
The child told her Mom what her Dad said and her mother
responded,
"Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because
there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.
A few days later the Mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy he
can type that letter now."
The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and
announced....
"Daddy said never mind, his secretary took care of it
at the office."
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to
honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught
a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes
out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel.
Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right
here. How about consummating our marriage?"
Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road,
it broke down again. This time it was next to a good
looking motel.
Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's
a nice motel. Can ve consummate our marriage?"
Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."
The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles
down the road, the bus broke down. This time they
were out in the woods. However, there was a little
clearing out of the sight of the bus.
Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the
voods and do it."
Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena,
"Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said "No".
Then, ve vere by a motel and you said "No". But, here
ve vent out into the grassy voods, getting bit by the bugs,
and did it. Why?"
Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if
the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould
be over."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Bisquick© Streusel Coffee Cake
Ingredients:
Cinnamon Streusel:
1/3 cup Original Bisquick® mix
1/3 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
2 tablespoons firm butter or margarine
Coffee Cake:
2 cups Original Bisquick® mix
2/3 cup milk or water
2 tablespoons white sugar
1 egg
Directions
Heat oven to 375 degrees F. Grease 9-inch round pan.
In small bowl, stir streusel ingredients until crumbly; set aside.
In medium bowl, mix coffee cake ingredients until blended.
Spread in pan. Sprinkle with streusel.
Bake 18 to 22 minutes or until golden brown.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1021
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