Friday, July 20, 2012, 05:39 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Friday, July 20
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!
Thanks for renewing, Moe!
While checking international news, typical for England,
various unions are trying to use the Olympics to hold their
country for ransom, and get some demands met, that
they would never get through at any other time.
Heathrow is going to be a mess, as usual, when the
unions pick the Christmas travel period for strike or "work
to rule" action.
With England, one has to expect that sort of thing.
Another interesting tidbit from Europe:
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant,
the husband kept looking over at a nearby table
where a lady sat in a drunken stupor.
The wife asks "I notice you've been watching
that lady for some time now. Do you know her ?"
"Yes" he replies, "she's my ex-wife, and
has been drinking like that
since I left her seven years ago."
"That's unbelievable" the wife replies, "I wouldn't
think anybody could celebrate that long."
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out
of life is four little animals".
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would
that be?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back,
a jaguar in the garage,
a tiger in the bed and
a jackass to pay for it all."
The teacher fainted.
Click through the picture for full size
Sometimes ... when you cry ... no one sees your tears...
Sometimes ... when you are worried ... no one sees your pain...
Sometimes ... when you are happy ... no one sees your smile...
But fart just one damn time, and evwerybody notices!
What is the difference between a spider
and a fly?
You can't zip up a spider
What is a perfect secretary?
One who never misses a period.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Salmon Cakes, Simple!
Ingredients:
3 teaspoons extra-virgin olive oil, divided
1 small onion - finely chopped
1 stalk celery - finely diced
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
15 ounces canned salmon, drained, or
1 1/2 cups cooked salmon
1 large egg, lightly beaten
1 1/2 teaspoons Dijon mustard
1 3/4 cups fresh whole-wheat breadcrumbs
1/2 teaspoon pepper
Dill Sauce, (recipe below)
1 lemon, cut into wedges
Directions
Preheat oven to 450°F.
Coat a baking sheet with cooking spray.
Heat 1 1/2 teaspoons oil in a large nonstick skillet over
medium-high heat. Add onion and celery; cook, stirring,
until softened, about 3 minutes. Stir in parsley; remove
from the heat.
Place salmon in a medium bowl. Flake apart with a fork;
remove any bones and skin. Add egg and mustard; mix well.
Add the onion mixture, breadcrumbs and pepper; mix well.
Shape the mixture into 8 patties, about 2 1/2 inches wide.
Heat remaining 1 1/2 teaspoons oil in the pan over medium heat.
Add 4 patties and cook until the undersides are golden, 2 to 3 minutes.
Using a wide spatula, turn them over onto the prepared
baking sheet.
Repeat with the remaining patties.
Bake the salmon cakes until golden on top and heated through,
15 to 20 minutes....
Meanwhile, prepare Creamy Dill Sauce.
Serve salmon cakes with sauce and lemon wedges.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1018
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Thursday, July 19, 2012, 03:55 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, July 19
Thank you Claude in Portland, OR ! What is your email address?
DearWebby received your check, but there is no email
address on it.
Thank you Betty! Your subscription is now good for the
next two years.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Two guys are playing golf. The women in front of them
are really taking their time and are slowing the men
down.
So one man says to his friend, "I'm gonna go ask those
ladies if we can play through." He starts walking
toward them, but about halfway there, he turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks what happened.
He replies, "One of those women is my wife, and the
other is my mistress. Why don't you go talk to them?"
So the second man starts to walk over. He gets halfway
there and turns around.
When he gets back, his friend asks, "Now what
happened?"
To this he replies, "It's a small world."
A street-wise stunningly beautiful babe walked into a bank
and asked to see the manager about a loan. When seated
in his office, she said,
"Look! Before we get started on this, I heard a story where
a girl borrowed some money and she was unable to pay it
back. The manager of the bank made her sleep with him
for $100 a nite until the loan was paid off.
Could that happen?"
The bank manager smiled, "Well, I've never heard of such
an occurrence, it's not likely..." then he looked her over
again, "but... I guess it's not impossible."
"Good!" smirked the woman, "I'd like to borrow $286,000."
Click through the picture for full size
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?"
Farmer: "Yeah, I want one those dayvorce's."
Attorney: "Well do you have any grounds?"
Farmer: "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
Attorney: "No you don't understand, do you have a case?"
Farmer: "No I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
Attorney: "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge."
Farmer: "Yea, I got a grudge,
that's where I park my John Deere."
Attorney: "No, no, do you have a suit?"
Farmer: "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church on Sundays."
Attorney: "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
Farmer: "No sire, we both get up about 4:30."
Attorney: "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
Farmer: "No she's a little white gal, but our last child was a
nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
An out-of-towner becomes friendly
with Thelma, the waitress in his
hotel coffee shop, and invites her
up to his room.
She is indignant.
The guy says, "Don't get excited.
This is all in the bible."
Thelma is appeased, and after her
shift they go out and have a few drinks.
Again the man invites her up to his
room, and again she is angry.
The man explains, "It's in the bible."
An hour later they're in the guys hotel
room and he suggests they undress
and have some fun. He assures Thelma
that it isn't sinful since it's in the bible.
"Where?" she says. "Where does it say that?"
Taking the bible from the hotel nightstand,
he opens it to the front cover where
someone has written,
"Thessa the waitress is a great lay."
Thelam burst out laughing.
"Thessa is my mother!"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Mushroom Quiche Made in Cupcake Pan
Ingredients:
8 ounces ground turkey sausage - crumbled into small pieces
1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil
8 ounces mushrooms, sliced
1/4 cup sliced scallions
1/4 cup shredded Swiss cheese
1 teaspoon freshly ground pepper
5 eggs
3 egg whites
1 cup milk
Directions
Position rack in center of oven; preheat to 325°F.
Coat a nonstick cupcake pan generously with cooking spray.
Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat.
Add sausage and cook until golden brown..
Transfer to a bowl to cool. Add oil to the pan. Add
mushrooms and cook, stirring often, until golden brown,
5 to 7 minutes.
Transfer mushrooms to the bowl with the sausage.
Let cool for 5 minutes.
Stir in scallions, cheese and pepper.
Whisk eggs, egg whites and milk in a medium bowl.
Divide the egg mixture evenly among the prepared muffin cups.
Sprinkle a heaping tablespoon of the sausage mixture into each cup.
Bake until the tops are just beginning to brown, 25 minutes.
Let cool on a wire rack for 5 minutes. Place a rack on top of the pan,
flip it over and turn the quiches out onto the rack.
Turn upright and let cool completely
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1015
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Wednesday, July 18, 2012, 07:32 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, July 19
It's cloudy but dry. Going to do some overdue
owing this evening.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past
couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them
notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.
One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that
girl."
The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a
chicken shit."
The man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.
Would you be so kind as to dance with me?"
Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.
Right now I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than
dance."
So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she
say?" asks the friend.
The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on
macaroni and would rather sh** in her pants."
>From Dennis
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when
a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey,
"Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and
have some.
" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey,
and they have a few joints.
After awhile the lizard says his mouth is 'dry'
and is going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls into the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard
and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard,
"What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he
was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree,
got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking \
a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and
walks into the jungle,finds the tree were the monkey
is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says,
"Hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "Daaammm dude.......
how much water did you drink?!!"
Click through the picture for full size
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas.
She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
"What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
"I don't know... why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he
rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator
kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29,
and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor said,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must
abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The
pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The
pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week
I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we
made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor. The
pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks"
the young man replied sadly.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and
dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in
our church," stated the pastor.
"We know," said the young man, "we're not welcome at Home Depot
anymore either."
>From Lori
The New York Police Department were investigating the mysterious
death of a prominent businessman who had jumped from a window
of his 11th-story office. Jill, his voluptuous private secretary could
offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had been
acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him,
a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," Jill said, "I received
a $20 raise. At the end of the 2nd week he called me into his private
office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings
and said, 'These are for a beautiful efficient secretary."
"At the end of the third week he gave me a fabulous mink stole. Then,
this afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me
with this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I could consider
making love to him and what it would cost."
"I told him that I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he
could have it for $5, although I was charging all the other guys in the
office ten. That's when he jumped out the window."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Hawaiian Chicken Stew
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon sesame oil, or canola oil
1 pound chicken tenders, cut into 1-inch pieces
1 2-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and cut into
matchsticks or minced (optional)
4 cloves garlic, thinly sliced
1/2 cup dry sherry
1 14-ounce can chicken broth
1 1/2 cups water
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon Asian red chile sauce to taste
1 bunch mustard greens, stemmed and chopped
= 6 to 7 cups (or 2 cups frozen chopped mustard greens)
Directions
Heat oil in a Dutch Oven or Large Pot over medium-high heat.
Add chicken and cook, stirring occasionally, until just cooked
through, about 6 minutes.
Transfer to a plate with tongs.
Add ginger and garlic to the pot and cook until fragrant,
about 10 seconds.
Add sherry and cook until mostly evaporated,
scraping up any browned bits, 1 1/2 to 3 minutes.
Add chicken broth and water, increase heat to high
and bring to a boil. Boil for 5 minutes.
Add soy sauce, chile sauce and mustard greens
and cook until the greens are tender, about 3 minutes.
Return the chicken and any accumulated juices to the
pot and cook until heated through, 1 to 2 minutes.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1014
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Tuesday, July 17, 2012, 04:22 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, July 17
Bruce Springsteen is EXTREMELY pissed off.
At some big pre-olympic concert in London, England,
with co-star with Sir Paul McCartney, was rudely cut off
at 11 pm. They were performing for 65,000 fans and were
unable to thank the crowd or say Good Night.
Springsteen is known for ALWAYS over-running and closing
late, and the fans fully expected that he would. Nobody
expected the promoter Live Nation to pull the plug at 11 pm.
The fans didn't trash the place, but they sure were unhappy!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Boudreaux took Marie home with him and took off his shirt.
Marie said, "Boudreaux dat's some chest you have dare."
Boudreaux says, "Marie, dat's a hundred seventy pounds of
dynamite".
Next he took off his pants. Marie says, "Boudreaux dat's
nice calves you have dare."
Boudreaux says, "Marie dat's a hundred seventy pounds
of dynamite."
Boudreaux quickly reached down and pulled off his
underpants and Marie screamed and ran out the door.
Boudreaux put his clothes back on and ran after her.
Catching her, Boudreaux said
"Marie, Why you ran out like dat?"
Marie said, "With all dat dynamite around,
I taught it was going to explode when I saw how short
da fuse was"!
Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads
in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play.
The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden, I have come
to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope".
The second little boy was to wait for the sound of a pistol
and then reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot"
Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two
little boys were quite nervous, knowing that all the seats
were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told
them to take their places on the stage and to remember
to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.
The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the
two boys were terrified! They stood! there frozen. So the
teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled
out these unforgettable words,
"My fair maiden, I have come to kiss your snatch
and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out."Hark! a shistol pot,
a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bullshit! I
never wanted to be in stupid play anyway!"
The audience left howling.
Click through the picture for full size
A man came into a gun shop and asked to see a shotgun.
The clerk, seeing that the customer was obviously very
wealthy showed him a Belgian handcrafted mother of
pearl inlay weapon and demonstrated its fine points. A
bargain at $20,000.
The customer says, "No, not quite what I need."
Then the clerk brings out an English model and shows
off its fine points. A steal at only $7,500.
The customer says, "No, I don't need anything that
fancy."
The clerk, disappointed, shows the customer a
Winchester 'over and under' mass production model.
Only $129.95.
The customer says, "That will do nicely. After all, it
is an informal wedding."
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her
mother to go
out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place
it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. So she dashed out
and could only find a short pink nightie. She bought it and
threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel
room. The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked
his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not
to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom she opened her suitcase and
saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed "Oh no, it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!"
Donald Duck and Minnie Mouse were spending the night
in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Minnie.
The first thing Minnie asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said "No."
Minnie told Donald that if he didn't get a condom they could
not have sex. "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she
suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk
if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said, and pulled one out from under
the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?"
"No!" Donald yelled. "What kind of a pervert do you
think I am?"
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Mushroom and Spinach Farfalle
Ingredients:
6 ounces dried farfalle (bow-tie pasta)
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped
1 cup sliced portobello or other fresh mushrooms
2 cloves garlic, minced (or 1/2 teaspoon garlic powder)
4 cups thinly sliced fresh spinach
1 teaspoon snipped fresh thyme (or 1/8 teaspoon dried Thyme)
1/8 teaspoon pepper
2 tablespoons shredded Parmesan cheese
Directions
Cook farfalle according to package directions. Drain well.
Meanwhile, in a large skillet, heat oil over medium heat.
Add onion, mushrooms, and garlic; cook and stir for 2 to 3
minutes or until mushrooms are nearly tender. Stir in
spinach, thyme, and pepper; cook 1 minute or until heated
through and spinach is slightly wilted. Stir in cooked
pasta; toss gently to mix. Sprinkle with cheese.
Serves four.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
Men's health Eye Chart
Roll your mouse over the problem names in the center
and see a simulation.
1012
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Touchy about his circumcision
Monday, July 16, 2012, 02:15 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, July 16
No floods, but just enough rain to prevent the lawns from
getting mowed. Unlike Florida, here grass does not get
mowed, when it is wet. Most likely the reason for that is that
in Florida the mowing is generally done by paid help on riding
mowers with a roof, whereas here it is mostly done by the home
or trailer owner, with a walk behind mower, or if somebody
does have a riding mower, it is one without a roof.
So traditionally we postpone the mowing, if the grass is wet.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would
get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really
that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led
to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would
each go into the woods, find a bear, and preach to it.
A week later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father
O'Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various
bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, in a fine Irish brogue, 'Ey wint
oot into th' woods to find me a bear. Oond when Ey fund him Ey began to
read to him from the Baltimore Catechism. Well, that bear wanted naught
to do with' me and begun to slap me aboot. So I quick grabbed me holy
water and, THE SAINTS BE PRAISED, he became as gentle as a lamb. The
bishop is cooming oot next wik to give him fierst communion und
confierrmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and
both legs in casts. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he
proclaimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle... WE DUNK!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to him from
G~d's HOOOOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. I SAY
NO! He wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOOOLD of him and we
began to rassle.
We rassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we come to a
crick. So I quick DUNK him and BAPTIZE his hairy soul. An' jus like you
sez, he wuz gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the week in
fellowship, feasting on G~d's HOOOOLY word."
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying in a hospital bed. He's
in a body cast and traction, with IV's and monitors running in and out
of him.
The rabbi looks up and says, "Oy! Preaching to the bear was easy, but he
got a bit touchy about the circumcision."
A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys
to notice all the different kind of boobs?"
Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we
wouldn't be normal if we didn't. There are all kinds of breasts
depending on a woman's age. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like
melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears,
still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.
"Onions, Dad?"
"Yeah, you see them and they make you cry."
Not to be out done, his sister asks her mother, "Mom,
how many kind of weenies are there?"
The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers,
"Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, a man's weenie is like an oak,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like
a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like an
old Christmas tree in spring.
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration only."
Thanks to Moe for sending this picture:
Click through the picture for full size
Lemon Lily from Texas
A boy that lives on a farm is awakened by his mother early in the
morning on the weekend. She tells him he won't get breakfast until he
does his chores. One of his chores involves feeding all the animals.
While he was feeding the animals he takes out his aggression on some of
them. He kicks a chicken, a cow, and a pig.
-
When he finished his chores his mother just gives him a bowl of dry
cereal. When he asks why, his mother tells him that he didn't get any
milk because he kicked the cow. He didn't get any eggs because he kicked
the chicken and he didn't get bacon because he kicked the pig.
Right then his father comes in and kicks the cat.
The boy looks at his mother and says "Would you like to tell him or
should I?"
There was a young man named Macgruder,
Who had a fair lass and he woo'ed her.
She thought it lewd,
To be woo'ed in the nude,
But Macgruder was shrewder and screwed her.
They say that the way to mens hearts
Is good food from soup to tarts
A chocolate eclair
Will stiffen him there
But too much will give him the farts
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Cheese & Broccoli Chowder
Ingredients:
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 large onion, chopped
1 large carrot, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
1 large potato, peeled and diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
2 14-ounce cans vegetable broth, or reduced-sodium chicken broth
8 ounces broccoli crowns, cut into 1-inch pieces, stems and florets separated
1 cup shredded reduced-fat Cheddar cheese
1/2 cup reduced-fat sour cream
1/8 teaspoon salt (optional)
Directions
Heat oil in a Dutch oven or large saucepan over medium-high heat.
Add onion, carrot and celery; cook, stirring often, until the onion
and celery soften, 5 to 6 minutes. Add potato and garlic; cook,
tirring, for 2 minutes. Stir in flour, dry mustard and cayenne;
cook, stirring often, for 2 minutes.
Add broth and broccoli stems; bring to a boil.
Cover and reduce heat to medium.
Simmer, stirring occasionally, for 10 minutes.
Stir in florets; simmer, covered, until the broccoli is tender,
about 10 minutes more.
Transfer 2 cups of the chowder to a bowl and mash;
return to the pan.
Stir in Cheddar and sour cream; cook over medium heat,
stirring, until the cheese is melted and the chowder is
heated through, about 2 minutes. Season to taste.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
1009
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