She wanted his Lifetime Savings
Thursday, June 28, 2012, 05:16 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Thursday, June 28
Looks like it will be nice and sunny today!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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After being with Danielle all evening, the man
couldn't take another minute with his blind date.
Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend
call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to
leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered
his eyes, put on a grim expression and said,
"I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," Robin replied.
"If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
"There's a double standard, even today. A man can sleep around
and sleep around, and nobody asks any questions. A woman, you
make nineteen or twenty mistakes, right away you're a tramp."
--- Joan Rivers
Click through the picture for full size
Russian Harley
That'll teach him to cut me off!
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding
where the groom was 95 years old and the bride was 23. The groom
looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night
might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young
woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main
staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for
dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in
the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened
to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
"Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I
thought he meant his money!!"
A company was looking to hire someone for an important
position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed
their search down to three people. In an attempt to pick one of
them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer
within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would
get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude.
The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man,
and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.
What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give
their answers.
The first one says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second one says "My answer is, that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The THIRD one says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names. It's either, Willie Turner
or Willie Nailer"
HE GOT THE JOB
A middle aged woman went to the doctor for a check up.
The doctor told her she needed more cardiovascular
activity and recommended that she engage in sexual
activity three times a week.
A bit embarrassed, she said to the doctor,
"Please tell my husband."
The doctor went out into the waiting room and told the
husband that his wife needed sex three times a week.
The 78-year-old husband replied, "Which days?"
The doctor answered, "Monday, Tuesday, and Friday
would be ideal."
The husband said, "I can bring her on Monday, but on
Tuesdays and Friday I golf, so she'll have to take the
bus."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Chocolate/Peanut Butter Pie
Ingredients:
9 inch pie crust, baked and cooled
1 2/3 cups peanut butter chips (you will divide this in recipe)
3 ounces cream cheese (softened)
1/4 cup powdered sugar
1/3 cup milk
2 tablespoons milk
1 teaspoon unflavored gelatin
1 tablespoon cold water
2 tablespoons boiling water
1/2 cup sugar
1/3 cup cocoa
1 cup whipping cream
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Directions
Melt 1-1/2 cups peanut butter chips (set remaining peanut
butter chips aside). Beat cream cheese, powdered sugar
and 1/3 cup milk in medium bowl until smooth. Add melted
chips; beat well. Beat in remaining 2 tablespoons milk.
Spread into cooled crust.
Sprinkle gelatin over cold water in small bowl; let stand
1 minute to soften. Add boiling water; stir until gelatin is
completely dissolved. Cool slightly. Combine sugar and
cocoa in medium bowl; add whipping cream and vanilla.
Beat at medium speed until stiff; pour in gelatin mixture,
beating until well blended. Spoon into crust over peanut
butter layer. Refrigerate several hours. Garnish with
remaining chips and Whipped cream (if you like).
Cover, but remember to store leftover pie in refrigerator.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
That is MY stuff now!
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Wednesday, June 27, 2012, 05:05 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Wednesday, June 27
The rain is more intermittent now and may end for a day tonight.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Please, help me stay online!
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Greg was explaining the facts of life to his teenage
nephew. After covering the basic biology, he moved
on to the finer points of lovemaking. "One thing to
keep in mind is that different women say different things
during the sex act, even if you are doing the same thing."
"What do you mean, Uncle Greg?"
Well, for example, their words will vary according to
their occupation. For example, a prostitute will tend to
say, "Are you done yet?"
On the other hand, a nymphomaniac will ask,
"Are you done already?"
"What do other women say?"
Well, a schoolteacher will say, "We are going to do this
over and over again until you get it right!"
A nurse will say, "This won't hurt one bit."
I thought they said, "Pull down your pants and bend
over."
That's a male nurse. But let's move on, a bank teller will
say, "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
A stewardess will say,
"Place this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally."
"And what does Aunty Keli say? "
She says, "Beige ... beige... I think we should paint the
ceiling beige."
A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets
through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another
golfer. When the first golfer gets to his ball he is greeted by his
unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.
"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.
"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time
to yell 'Oh SHIT!'
Click through the picture for full size
See That Meter Monkey?
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Two Amish ladies were digging potatoes in the field. One lady
digs up two large potatoes bigger than her fist.
She says, "Oh my! These remind me of my husband Jebadiah's
balls."
The other woman gazed in wonder and said, "You mean his balls
are that BIG!"
"No!" the woman replied. "There're that dirty!"
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female,
faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came
down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them,
"That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring
you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do
anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues
to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon
dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good
deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes,
wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes,"
said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the
female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great!
Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Lasagna, Simply Vegetarian
Ingredients:
2 tablespoons vegetable oil
1/2 cup minced onion (or 1/2 teaspoon onion powder)
2 carrots, grated
1 teaspoon dried basil (optional)
1 teaspoon dried oregano (optional)
1 (14-ounce) package frozen cheese ravioli, unthawed
1 (14-ounce) jar marinara or (generic spaghetti sauce)
1/2 pound sliced provolone (or I have substituted Jack Cheese)
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
Directions
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
Heat the oil in an ovenproof 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat,
then sauté the onion, carrots, garlic, and herbs until the onion is
translucent, about 3 minutes.
Transfer this mix into a bowl.
Arrange the still-frozen ravioli (breaking them apart if they're clumped)
in one layer in the skillet and sprinkle with the (above) mix.
Ladle the marinara (or spaghetti sauce) sauce evenly over the
ravioli. Over medium heat, without stirring, cook everything until
the raviolis are heated thoroughly and beginning to brown on the
bottom (gently lift one with a fork to check), which is about 10
minutes.
Remove the skillet from the heat, then arrange the provolone
(or Jack Cheese) slices over the sauce and sprinkle the whole
thing with Parmesan.
Bake the lasagna in the middle of the oven until the cheese is
melted for about 10 minutes.
Salt & pepper to taste.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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Fooling around with college girls
Tuesday, June 26, 2012, 02:54 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Tuesday, June 26
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self conscious
about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my
husband that I was the oldest student in my class.
"Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said.
"Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my
point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with
college girls were over!"
> From Olivia
Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old ..
as long as she buys him a dozen beers first.
The good news is that even as we get older, the guys still
look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to look down
a lot lower, and expose the bald spot on their head.
Click through the picture for full size
Now THAT is serious BBQing!
An official Gallup survey polled over 1000 women in Washington,
DC with the question: Would you sleep with Bill Clinton?
1% said, "No"
2% said, "Yes"
97% said, "Never Again"
An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of
glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered
the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in
his book of Accident definitions and glossaries,
"Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT
accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses,"
said the medical officer, ready to stand up,
"I've to see my patients now."
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,"
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses
kissing a girl?"
"You see, she rolled over on top of me without warning..."
The sculptor and one of his students went out for coffee
after class.
"You have the most delicate, slender hands," said the
student, a rather well built young lady. "Forgive me for
saying it, but they belong on a woman."
Not only did he forgive her, he obliged.
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Ultra Yummy Barbequed Ribs
Ingredients:
4 pounds baby back pork ribs
4 cloves garlic, diced
1 tablespoon white sugar
1 tablespoon paprika
2 teaspoons salt
2 teaspoons ground black pepper
2 teaspoons chili powder
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1/2 cup dark brown sugar
1/2 cup cider vinegar
1/2 cup ketchup
1/4 cup chili sauce
1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon lemon juice
2 tablespoons onion, chopped
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1 clove crushed garlic
Directions
Preheat oven to 300 degrees F .Place ribs on a rack in a
shallow roasting pan. Scatter 4 cloves of diced garlic over ribs.
Cover, and bake for 2 1/2 hours. Cool slightly.
In a small bowl, mix together white sugar, paprika, salt,
black pepper, chili powder, and ground cumin. Rub spices
over cooled ribs. Cover, and refrigerate overnight.
In a small saucepan, mix together brown sugar, cider vinegar,
ketchup, chili sauce, Worcestershire sauce, lemon juice,
onion, dry mustard, and 1 clove garlic. Simmer over medium-low
heat, uncovered, for 1 hour. Reserve a small amount for basting;
the remainder is a dipping sauce.
Preheat grill set for a medium heat.
Place ribs on grill.
Grill, covered, for about 12 minutes, basting with the reserved
sauce, until nicely browned and glazed. Serve with remaining
sauce for dipping.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
More serious BBQing
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Monday, June 25, 2012, 04:24 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, June 25
It cleared up Sunday late afternoon and with the hot sun
and a good wind, the lawn dried enough for cutting.
No need for a scythe.
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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An e-mail computer virus swept across the globe that
automatically opens pornographic websites on the victim's
screen.
Authorities intend to track down the hackers responsible for
the virus just as soon as somebody complains.
Barbara Walters of ABC did a story on gender roles in Kabul several
years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily
walked about 5 paces behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women still walk behind
their husbands, but now seem to walk even *further* back and are now
happy with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked. "But why do
you now seem happy with the old custom that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman
Click through the picture for full size
A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the
doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he
discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy
known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm
going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical
school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience.
When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and
soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the
hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This
helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the
bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to
have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately
gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I
took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had
migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever
helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "your wife said to
tell you to pick up the drycleaning on the way home."
Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
---Tiger Woods
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
--- Bill Clinton
The two teenage girls were driving around town. One of the
friends turned to the other and said, "So, what did your old
man say when you told him you were pregnant?"
"You want me to leave out the profanities?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Absolutely nothing."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Beer-Marinated Steaks
Ingredients:
1/2 of a 12-ounce can (3/4 cup) beer
1 cup chopped onion
3/4 cup chili sauce
1/4 cup parsley
3 tablespoons Dijon-style mustard
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce (optional, but nice)
2 teaspoons brown sugar
1/2 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon regular black pepper
3 beef steaks, cut 1 inch thick (about 1 pound each),
or 6 beef top loin steaks, cut 1 inch thick (about 1-3/4 pounds total)
1 to 1-1/2 teaspoons cracked black pepper
herbs (optional)
Directions
In a large glass flat, high sided dish combine onion,
beer, chili sauce, parsley, mustard, Worcestershire
sauce, brown sugar, paprika, and the 1/2 teaspoon
pepper. Place steaks in marinade. Cover and refrigerate
4 to 6 hours or overnight, turning steaks over now and then.
Remove steaks from marinade; discard marinade.
Sprinkle both sides of steaks with the cracked black pepper,
if you like.
Grill steaks on an uncovered grill directly over medium-hot
coals for 5 minutes. Turn and grill to desired doneness,
allowing 7 to 10 minutes more for medium (160 degrees F)
doneness. If you wish, now is when you use herbs.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
We sure BBQ steaks a lot quicker here in Alberta!
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Sunday, June 24, 2012, 03:03 AM
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
Ophelia Dingbatter's News
NO Sermon here, not for church, just jokes and fun for adults.
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Good Morning, !
Today is Sunday, June 24
No lawn mowing this weekend.
It has been raining steadily since Friday afternoon,
and looks like it will continue for a while.
Next weekend might be dry.
It is just a very fine rain, just the way the grain farmers
like it. Since it is warm enough, everything grows like cray,
especially my little lawn. By the time it is dry enough,
I might have to trim it down first with a scythe.
I think I still remember how to do that. Finding a scythe
might be a challenge!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
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>From Bill in Florida
I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my
own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even
though there was no cross traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting
anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag
duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11"
slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Aqbar Allah! Praise Allah!" and
took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing
it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself,
"Man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as
a truck driver.
Peter and Judi had been married for ten years and decided
to try to have kids. They'd not been using birth control since they
married so they thought there might be a problem conceiving.
Judi was a little hard of hearing and had been since she was a
child. The gynecologist wasn't award of that when he gave her
the results of her check-up.
"I'm sorry, Judi, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient
passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle."
Judi went home crying. She was still crying when Peter
got home a few hours late. "What's wrong, sweetie?" Peter
asked.
Judi bawled, "The doctor told me I've got a fish up my
passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a mackerel!"
"Hmmm," Peter mused, "that would explain the smell..."
Click through the picture for full size
Lifetime Contract
Two little old ladies from Kittery, Maine were chatting over the
back fence.
One said to the other, "When I go to Boston I always get
scrod."
The other little lady replied, "Well so do I,
but I never knew the plural of the word before."
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The
only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly
every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell
would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she
would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her
sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told
him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts
out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and
he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the
turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A
malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband
of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you
were right."
"All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts
out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline,
and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
Slash, a well-known murderer, had been on death row for
nearly 20 years. During that time, he had befriended the
Warden. Now, the Warden still had a job to do, but that
didn't stop him from treatin' Slash special from time to
time. A week before Slash was to go to the electric chair,
the Warden asked Slash if there was anything special he
would like. Slash thought for a bit and said he would like
the Warden to contact his wife and have her make meatloaf
for him the rest of his life (which by this time, was
short).
Of course, the Warden complied and each day, Slash sat down
and had a big feed of his wife's meatloaf.
The night before the big day, another prisoner was allowed to
visit Slash and asked him. "Aren't you afraid of dying tomorrow?"
Slash answered' "I ain't gonna die tomorrow."
The other prisoner then said, "but tomorrow is Friday and we all
know, that's the day they're sendin' you to the electric chair."
"Don't matter," said Slash, "if this meatloaf can't kill me,
nothin' can."
RECIPE SECTION,
thanks to Sr Anna
Zucchini Chocolate Cupcakes
Ingredients:
1-1/4 cups butter, softened
1 1/2 cups sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (or whole wheat pastry flour)
3/4 cup baking cocoa
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt (optional)
1/2 cup plain yogurt
1 cup grated zucchini
1 cup grated carrots
1 can (16 ounces) chocolate frosting
Directions
In a large bowl, cream butter and sugar until light and fluffy.
Add eggs, one at a time, beating well after each addition.
Stir in vanilla. Combine the flour, baking cocoa, baking powder,
baking soda and salt; add to the creamed mixture alternately
with yogurt, beating well after each addition. Fold in zucchini
and carrots.
Fill paper lined muffin cups two-thirds full. Bake at 350 F for
18 to 22 minutes or until a toothpick inserted near the center
comes out clean.
Cool for 10 minutes before removing from pans to wire racks
to cool completely.
Frost cupcakes.
Makes about 20 cupcakes,.
Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna
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