Good Morning, !
Today is Monday, January 23

Happy Birthday, Mom!


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newsletter, PLEASE tell them about me!
Hopefully we don't have to pause until after the election!

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Ophelia

 
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From Liz
As I was dropping my son off at daycare the other day, I
overheard some of the children talking about their siblings.
"My brother takes karate lessons," bragged one. 
"My sister takes gymnastics," said another. 
Not to be outdone, the youngest piped up, 
"My sister takes antibiotics!"



An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a
party. While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her
necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her
dress. She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry
piece for her. He was very embarrassed but wishing to
comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back
of her gown.

"I'm terribly sorry," he said, "but I can't seem to reach
it." Try further down," she said. At this point he noticed
that he was being watched by everyone in the room, which
made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the
girl, "I feel such a perfect ass."

"Never mind that!" she cried. "Just get the necklace."



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CANADIAN IMPOSTER ALERT
At this time of year, there are northerners from places
other than Canada trying to mix in in Florida.
You will have to be extra vigilant. 
There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that
someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a
Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully
note their reaction:

"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of
C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the
muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke
out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And
then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave
me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only
in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie,
he's all chippy and everything, calling me a "shit
disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Chimo!"

If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically,
they're one ofus. If, however, they stare at you with a
blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have
them reported to the authorities at once.

The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19
different Canadianisms. In order:

pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the
government for not working.

mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey,
on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze,
which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through
and through.)

C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused
with "hockey stick," another kind of Canadian Club.

beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for
Canadians.

skidoo: Self-propelled tracked decapitation unit for 
teenagers. 

muskeg: Boggy swampland.

duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of
inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist
while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy;
metaphor for Canada's french and english.

deke: Used as a verb, it means "to fool an opponent through
skillful misdirection." As a noun, it is used most often in
exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!" Meaning,
"My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity
employing misdirection and guile."

chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the
Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary
but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of
Calgarians.

Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of
heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)

snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky
manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of
"did sneak." (We think.)

ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by
its inconspicuousness.

impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun
and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of
"impaired" being "pissed to the gills").

S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.

Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white
cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large
superfluous flap in the front. And back!

toque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about
the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.

chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive;
constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip
on one's shoulder." (See Western Canada)

shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the
Canadian Oxford Dictionary, "shit disturber" is a distinctly
Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy
and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do
fine.)

Chimo!: The last sound heard before a Canadian falls over 
and passes out!

EH!



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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Clovis is passing by Boudreaux's hay barn one day when, through a gap 
in the door, he sees Boudreaux doing a slow and sensual striptease in front 
of an old green John Deere. 

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides 
off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then 
hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his 
overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. 
Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his 
stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from 
his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay. 

Having seen enough, Clovis rushes in and says, "What the world're ya 
doing, Boudreaux?" 

"Good grief, Clovis, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an 
obviously embarrassed Boudreaux. 

"But me 'n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom 
d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to 
a tractor." 



"So," Jane asked the detective she had hired. "Did
you trail my husband?"

"Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-
of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment."

A big smile crossed Jane's face. "Aha! I've got him!"
she said gloating. "Is there any doubt what he was
doing?"

"No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "There is absolutely
no doubt. It's pretty clear that he was following you,
...
and taking pictures for his web site."





Says WHO ?







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Good Morning, !
Today is Saturday, January 21

The weather finally warmed up to near seasonal values,
-18
After a week of -30, that is almost comfortable!

If you know of anybody, who can afford a 2 cents per day
newsletter, PLEASE tell them about me!
Hopefully we don't have to pause until after the election!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot 
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot 
and not at all try to understand her.



A question had appeared in a students' medical
examination which read:

"List four benefits of breast milk."

A student began to answer the question:

1. No need to bottle it.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

But the fourth point eluded him. When there were
barely a couple of minutes before the exam ended,
the fourth point flashed to his mind. So he completed
the answer by writing:

4. Available in very attractive containers.



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From Mike:
I was driving into the old historic section of town and found Tim, one
of the bartenders at The River City Grill curled up on a curb alongside
the road in tears.

I stopped the car and hollered over to him, "Hey, Tim, what the hell
happened to you?"

Wiping away his tears, he moaned, "Look at my new convertible!" He
pointed to a crashed car down the street, wrapped around a tree trunk.

"Shit, man, don't cry.  Get the insurance settlement and just buy
another car," I level-headedly advised.

"Look inside the car," Tim moaned.

After looking, I continued to console him.
"Aww, dude, don't worry!  You can always find another lover."

Tim looked at me and wailed agonizingly,
"Look inside the mouth!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A very outgoing and honest 7-year-old girl calmly admitted 
to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. 

Her mother gasped and said, "How did that happen?" 

The little girl said, "It wasn't easy, but three other 
girls helped me catch him and hold him down." 



"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician
solicitously. "Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't
get along."










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