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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, June 29

Twenty (out of 554) of you have already subscribed! 
Hopefully, the rest of you succeed in saving up a dollar 
by month end. 

In case you didn't see Sunday's message, here it is again:

At the end of this month most of you will have to make a 
decision. All those, who have not sent any donation this year,
will get a choice: 
$1 per month Subscription
$10 per year Subscription

Is my work worth 2.7 cents a day to you?

If it is, save up a dollar by the first of July.
One dollar is not much for you, but if enough of you
subscribe, my ISP gets paid and I can stay on-line. 

So, let's see how many can afford a dollar by Juy 1 !      



Ophelia Dingbatter's 

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for one year 


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Ophelia Dingbatter's


News for one month

28-31 issues for $1










PayPal apparently has problems with a pull-down menu in 
the subscribe button, so I got Dear Webby to make me two 
separate buttons. They seem to work OK, but the good old 
Donate button still works fine everywhere. 

There is no rush. You still have two days to check the couch 
and see, if you can find a dollar.

Thanks!
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11

 554 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given
a part in the school play. "Wonderful," says the mother, "What part is
it?" The boy says "I play the part of the Scottish husband!" 

The mother scowls and says: "Go back and tell your teacher 
you want a speaking part!"



A baby was born to a couple. When he was one, he could
talk like an adult. When he was two, he could read anything. When he was
three, he could do advanced calculus. When he was four, he could predict
the future.

One day, he made three predictions: "One year from today,
I will die. Two years from today, my mother will die.
Three years from today, my father will die."

Sure enough, a year later the young boy died.

The father, getting the picture in a big way, loaded up
his wife with a million dollars in life insurance.
A year later she died.

The father collected the million dollar insurance benefit,
and, figuring he only had a year before his own death,
went on a 364-day binge. Fast cars! Faster women!
Exotic vacations! Flings with supermodels!

His timing was perfect, for on the 364th day, he blew
the last penny on a Blue Sapphire martini and an exotic
dancer with a taste for overpriced champagne and sexy lingerie!!!

At midnight, he toasted himself, "What a way to go," and slipped off
into what he assumed would be his *big* sleep.

To his amazement, he woke up the next morning...
He thought he had cheated death! He was invincible!

But then the exotic dancer with whom he'd spend the
night broke the news...
"Honey, better come quick, the mail man is dead."




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From Oly
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and we
decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way,
my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend.? She was a
dream! There was only one thing bothering me, quite much
indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. 

She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and
sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel
uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over
to check the wedding invitations. So I went. 

She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for
me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and
committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to
me just once. What could I say.? 

I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said,
"I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come
and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around
and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the
house. 

Her husband, his brother and her brother were standing outside, 
holding baseball bats. 
Finally, her husband hugged me and said, "we are very happy 
and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have 
asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." 

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car. 





Click through for the big version
Jebel Hafeet, UAE

 



When one of the two first-grade teachers at the posh suburb's 
new school left on her two-week honeymoon, the other 
volunteered to teach both classes in her absence. 

A few weeks later, at a housewarming party given by the
newlyweds, the guests were somewhat taken aback as the groom 
introduced them to his wife's teaching colleague: "And this, 
ladies and gentlemen," announced the grateful husband, 
"is the lovely lady who substituted for my
wife during our honeymoon." 



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



Sandra was trying on an EXTREMELY low cut dress.
As she studied herself in the mirror, she asked Cindy
if she thought it was too low cut.
 
Cindy: "Do you have hair on your chest?"
 
Sandra "No -- certainly NOT!!!"
 
Cindy "Then it's too low cut."

--------------
I know some guys who would dispute that!



Anni was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling
him how frustrated she was.

"I tried to be an actress and failed," Anni complained. "I tried
to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and
failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that,
too."

The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to
live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"

Anni thought about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful
breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, "Well go ahead,
I'll give it a try."

  


	Ceramic on Metal Sculpture


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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, June 28

Fifteen (out of 554) of you have already subscribed! 
Hopefully, the rest of you succeed in saving up a dollar 
by month end. 

In case you didn't see Sunday's message, here it is again:

At the end of this month most of you will have to make a 
decision. All those, who have not sent any donation this year,
will get a choice: 
$1 per month Subscription
$10 per year Subscription

Is my work worth 2.7 cents a day to you?

If it is, save up a dollar by the first of July.
One dollar is not much for you, but if enough of you
subscribe, my ISP gets paid and I can stay on-line. 

So, let's see how many can afford a dollar by Juy 1 !      








	Option 1 : $10.00USD - yearly
	Option 2 : $1.00USD - monthly
 







The subscribe button seems to work OK with most browsers, 
however, the good old Donate button works fine everywhere. 

There is no rush. You still have two days to check the couch 
and see, if you can find a dollar.

Thanks!
Ophelia



 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11

 554 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Whenever Shakespeare wanted to write poetry, he used to go
to the woods in search of inspiration.  One such day he was
in the woods looking for inspiration, and he sees a boy and 
girl having sex.  

Just before he could say something, there is a police raid, the
three of them are caught and produced before a judge, the boy 
and girl as the ones to be prosecuted and Shakespeare as the 
witness. The judge sets the court and calls Shakespeare in the 
witness box and asks, "Mr. Shakespeare, were the two of them 
screwing?" 

Now Shakespeare the poet that he was, could not say anything 
without inspiration.  He keeps quiet.

The judge repeats, "Mr. Shakespeare, were the two of them screwing?"

Shakespeare still keeps quiet.  The judge gets annoyed and says, 

"Mr. Shakespeare, for the last time before I hold you for contempt, 
WERE THE TWO screwing?"

Suddenly inspiration strikes Shakespeare and he says, 
"Sir, The pants were down, 
The thighs were bare, 
The balls were hanging in the air, 
He put it in, You know where, 
and if that isn't screwing, I wasn't there."



A small boy was awaken in the middle of the night by strange 
noises from his parents room, so he decided to investigate.  
As he entered the parents bedroom, he was shocked to see 
his mom and dad busy shagging.

"Dad!" he shouted, "What are you doing?"

"It's okay," replied his father. "You're mother want's a baby, 
that's all."

The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, 
was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the 
bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother sucking 
furiously on his fathers penis.  "Dad, Mom!" he shouted, 
"What are you doing now?"

"Son, there's been a change in plans," his dad replied. 
"Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants some 
jewelry instead.



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A young couple had just returned from their honeymoon and were settling
down in their new apartment. Coming home from work one night, the
landlady met the man in the hallway. She said, "I have a couple of extra
tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your bride
would like to have them?"

"I'll ask her," the young man responded. He opened his door and called
out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"

"Hey, Pal," she retorted. "If you show me one more trick with that
thing, I'm going home to mother."





Click through for the big version

 



As Little Johnny is walking up a hill pulling his red wagon 
behind him, he's saying, "Damn this," "Screw that." 

Hearing this, the parish priest walks up to Johnny and 
says, "Johnny, you shouldn't swear like that. God is all 
around us." 

"Is he in the sky?" Johnny asks. 

"Yes, He is," the priest replies. 

"Is He in that tree over there?" asks Johnny.
 
"Yes," replies the priest. 

"Is He in my wagon?" Johnny asks. 

"Yes, Johnny, He is," answers the priest. 

"Well then, tell Him to get out and push!" shouts Johnny



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.....
A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in
all different colors: bright green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The
old man just stared. 

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. 
The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter
old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" 

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got really drunk once 
and had sex with a peacock. I am wondering if you are my son."




One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices
a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three
wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square,
what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I
want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.".
Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've
got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then
says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to
have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"WOW!", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins!"



A Texas coed told a classmate, 
"I'll let you do it for $20 -- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out."

The boy quickly agreed.

The couple went into the woods, and the young thing slipped off her
panties and laid back.

The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill.
And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10
and she released him.

The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.

This time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had
finished, he just lay there.

After about 10 minutes, she said

"OK, Billy! Take it out now."

He continued to lie there and said,

"I can't -- I won't have any more money until my allowance
comes through next Monday."

  


	Feline Funnies


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Good Morning 
It's Monday, June 27

Twelve of you have already subscribed! 
Hopefully, the rest of you succeed in saving up a dollar 
by month end. 

In case you didn't see yesterday's message, here it is again:

At the end of this month most of you will have to make a 
decision. All those, who have not sent any donation this year,
will get a choice: 
$1 per month Subscription
$10 per year Subscription

Is my work worth 2.7 cents a day to you?

If it is, save up a dollar by the first of July.
One dollar is not much for you, but if enough of you
subscribe, my ISP gets paid and I can stay on-line. 

Until July I am just testing the button, that Dear Webby
made me. (My own credit rating is not good enough for
PayPal just yet) 

So, let's see how many can afford 2.7 cents per day!      








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	Option 1 : $10.00USD - yearly
	Option 2 : $1.00USD - monthly


 


 


The subscribe button seems to work OK, except in one version 
of AOL, however, the good old Donate button works fine there. 

Thanks!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, a
weeping wife and four children. Three of the children
are tall, good looking and athletic; but, the fourth and
youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "Assure me that the
youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth
before I die, I will forgive you if ..."

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest,
absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave
that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her
breath, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."



Bob and Jane got married. As they were laying
in their wedding suite,staring at the ceiling,
the old man says, "I haven't been completely
honest with you. I think the world of you, but
you are only number two to me.  Golf is my
first love. It's my hobby, my  passion, my 1st love."

They both stare at the ceiling for a bit longer
and then the woman said, "While we're baring
our souls, I guess I better tell you that I have
been a hooker all my life."

The man jumps out of bed, looks at her a moment
then says, "Have you tried widening your stance
and adjusting your grip?"



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Girl to hungry boyfriend: If my right leg was breakfast,
and my left leg was dinner, what would you prefer?

Boyfriend: Lunch





Click through for the big version

 



A hopeful suitor dropped into a computer-dating centre and registered
his qualifications. He wanted someone who enjoyed water sports, liked
company, favoured formal attire, and was very small. 

The computer operated faultlessly. It sent him a penguin.


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Dear Webby's Humor Letter



According to a new survey, women say they feel more
comfortable undressing in front of men than they do
undressing in front of other women. They say that women
are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful.



Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband
collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch. "That's it George!
I've had it this time." his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."

"Good! I'm getting too old for both you and yoru sister anyway."



The two housewives were drinking coffee together.
"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed
an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"

Her friend Martha responded: "When I get a headache,
my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders,
then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while
kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest.
In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should
try it!"

"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your
husband get home?"

  


	Pothole Art



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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, June 26

At the end of this month most of you will have to make a 
decision. All those, who have not sent any donation this year,
will get a choice: 
$1 per month Subscription
$10 per year Subscription

Is my work worth 2.7 cents a day to you?

If it is, save up a dollar by the first of July.
One dollar is not much for you, but if enough of you
subscribe, my ISP gets paid and I can stay on-line. 

Until July I am just testing the button, that Dear Webby
made me. (My own credit rating is not good enough for
PayPal just yet) 

Anybody, who subscribes before July 1 will get double.
$1 will get you TWO months
$10 will get you TWO years.

I hope you go for the annual subscriptions, because PayPal
charges 2.9% + 25 cents per transaction. 
That leaves me 72 cents from a dollar,
or $9.72 from a $10 payment.

So, let's see how many can afford 2.7 cents per day!      







Secure with 





Your Choice!
Ophelia Dingbatter's News



	Option 1 : $10.00USD - yearly
	Option 2 : $1.00USD - monthly

 



 


Thanks!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11

 568 Subscribers.             Countries

 

A very young couple had just gotten married and decided to
spend their honeymoon in a large hotel. Showing signs of 
nervousness the young man approached the check-in desk.

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk,
favoring the young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."



A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. 
It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when 
they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes 
and jumped into the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided 
to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." 

As they were crossing an open area, who should come
along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their 
clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their 
privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for 
cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back 
on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered 
his face rather than his privates. 

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY
congregation, it's my face they would recognize." 



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A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a
tiny necklace cell phone for women.

Have you seen this thing? It's on a chain - you wear
it around your neck - it hangs down right here to a
woman's cleavage.

The only problem women have with it; when it rings,
every guy in the room yells, 'I'll get it.'






Click through for the big version

 



A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning.  The wife said, "You should do
it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait
as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here
and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."  Husband replies, " I can't
believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows
him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS"


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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter




A woman is in her doctor's office getting undressed for an 
examination. She turns to a naked blonde woman sitting next 
to her and says, "I told the doctor that my ears are 
ringing and he told me to strip. Does that seem a little 
suspicious to you?" 

"Hey, don't ask me," the naked blonde replies. "I'm only 
here to fix the fax machine."



Over the past few years, scientists at Heinz say they've been
developing what they say is a revolutionary new kind of baby bottle.
It's a baby bottle actually shaped like a woman's breasts.

If that's true, forget baby bottles, make beer bottles.

  


	The Train Ride


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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, June 25

The lawyers in New York are celebrating. 
Legislation to legalize same-sex marriage in New York cleared the 
last major hurdle with a 33-to-29 vote in the state Senate, 
sending the bill to the governor's desk for his expected 
approval. 

Lawyers know that marriages are the prime cause of divorces,
and that with same sex marriages, divorces are even more
frequent. 

The previous lack of legal marriages for same sex couples 
has not stopped any of them from living together, but legal
marriages will probably not make their liasons last longer.
Paper on the wall is no substitute for constant effort,
no matter what sexual orientation is involved.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Since 1/1/11


 568 Subscribers.             Countries
 

Following a successful rally, the evangelist was relaxing in his 
trailer, when there was a knock at the door. "Come in," he said. 

A young maiden, truly beautiful, threw herself at his feet and 
said, "Reverend, I have nothing to give but my body." 

The preacher looked skyward, "Lord, deliver me from temptation." 

And then following a long pause, he began unbuttoning his shirt, 
and added, "In about an hour or so."



A New York businessman, while he is on a business trip to 
Myrtle Beach, SC, sends an email to his wife:  
"I wish you were here." 
He accidentally left off the last "e".

The next morning his wife, her mother and his mother arrived,
before he even got to flirt at the breakfast waitress.



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FEMALE GOLFING TERMS

CADDY--2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again. 
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen." 
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch. 
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger. 
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose. 
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts. 
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand, well, pretty much anything. 
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks. . .just a sliver." 
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee. 
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip. 
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight





Click through for the big version

Jake playing Catch-A-Purse again!

 



Sadie had been widowed for a few years and very lonely, and finally
consented to going out on a date with Morris, the gentleman her daughter
fixed her up with.

Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot.
Morris also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very
attracted to Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances,
he finally was able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know
how I can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned
twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again,
aren't you?"



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try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn't help that my
connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical
problems.

Then, after we were aloft, I noticed the lights began flickering. I
mentioned this to a flight attendant. "I'll take care of it," she said.
Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she'd solved the problem by
turning off the lights.

A passenger across the aisle who had been listening leaned
over and said, "Whatever you do, please don't ask about
the engines."

  


	Foraging 4 Fruits


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