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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, February 24, 2011

The European media is really jumping at Gaddafi.


Keep in mind, that is the same media, that reported Gaddafi had
left, when he was briefly chased out of Tripoli.



He does look rather worried, and so do his bodyguards.
Gaddafi is not really a tiny little runt, except when compared 
to his bodyuards.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 

Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


A wealthy merchant of 84 married a 25 year old fashion model. 
They had a wonderful honeymoon in Aruba but, unfortunately, 
the old boy suffered a coronary and was hospitalised. 

When his young wife came to see him, the old man said, 
"Sweetheart, your future has been taken care of regardless
of what happens to me. You will have an income of $250,000 
a year, my home in Palm Springs, my ranch in Texas, my 
Mercedes. You'll never need to worry about money."

"Oh, sweetheart, please don't talk that way," his young wife 
exclaimed. "You've been so good to me already. If you go, 
I'll be devastated. Oh, there must be something I can do to 
help you. Please....tell me what I can do?"

"Well," the old man gasped, "if you quit pinching the oxygen 
supply line, that officer taking pictures might not haul you
off to jail, and you'll be able to enjoy those things a lot more."



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You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, 
when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people 
waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, 
knowing that there could only be one passenger 
in your car?

THINK  before you continue reading...

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once 
actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to 
die, and thus you should save her first.

Or you could take the old friend because he once saved 
your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay 
him back.

However, you may never be able to find your perfect 
mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants)  
had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him 
take the old lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner 
of my dreams."




Click through the picture to the large version.

 


A new bride went to her doctor for a check up.
Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she
asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging
between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis."
The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/
purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of
the penis."

The bride then asks "What are those 2 round
things about 15 inches from the head of the
penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know,
but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Mr. Boudreaux was a typical, uneducated Bayou  man. De Census man...he
come to de Bayou and he's takin' down all dis infomation. He say to Mr.
Boudreaux, "Just fill in this part of de form and I'll be on my way."

Mr. Boudreaux says, "Well, you'll have to come sit by the side of me and
fill it out cause I can't read or write." 

So de Census man..he sit down by the side of Mr. Boudreaux and 
he begin askin questions and writin' on de form. Pretty soon he 
comes to de end of de form and he say to Mr. Boudreaux, 

"Just sign it down der at de bottom." Boudreaux says, 

"You already know I don't read or write...I can't sign dat 
form!" 

So de Census man, he says, "Just make an X." 

So Boudreaux, he make a great big X at de bottom 
and a little, itty bitty one right beside of it. The
Census man, he says, "what's wiff dat little bitty x 
next to de big one?

Boudreaux, he says, "I'm Bodeaux Junior!"

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Is that democracy, when an obnoxious minority uses a technical
loophole to stall or delay, what the majority has decided, that it 
needs to be done?

In my opinion it isn't, and I have a hunch the, shirkers in Wisconsin
and Indiana will get bit in the butt by real democracy at the next 
election. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 573 Subscribers.             Countries


The pretty teacher was concerned with one of
her eight-year-old students. Taking him aside
after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny,
why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With
whom?"

"With YOU!" he said.

"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see
how silly that is?  It's true that I would like
a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a
child."

"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly,
"I'll use a rubber!"



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A man was shopping at her local supermarket where he selected 
a quart of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a 
head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. 
package of bacon.

As he was unloading his items on the conveyor belt to check 
out, a slightly inebriated woman standing behind him watched 
as he placed the items in front of the cashier and pulled out 
his wallet. 
She said, "You must be single."

The man, a bit startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition,
looked at his six items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly 
unusual about his selections, he said, "Well, you know what, 
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk woman replied, "Cause you got cash and don't need
cards ."





Click through the picture to the large version.

 


A couple has returned from their honeymoon and it was
obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on
the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a
$50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his
friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough -
she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these
years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can
get over this though: She gave me $20 change!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously
outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby.

He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a
little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of
coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale
and leaves.

Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of
twins, but the nurse cautions,

"There is another on the way, so call back later."

At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a
bar and has some beer. When he phones the  hospital again he is told
that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced,
he stumbles to the bar  and orders a double scotch.

Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that
he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded  cricket game score.
When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong:
"The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was
a duck."

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, February 22, 2011



The shirkers are still hiding out of state, and the unions threaten
to bus in even more noise makers, but more and more people
in Winsconsin feel that the unions should take a hint from
Ben Ali and Mubarak and Ghadafi. 

The Governor seems quite relaxed about it. Sooner or later
the shirkers will have to come back, and get outvoted anyway.
In the meantime they can get a lot of work, that does not
require a quorum, done without pretentious posturing by the
nay-sayers. 

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	





Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


A priest was vested in his surplice and cassock ready to
proceed at the beginning of a formal service. His surplice 
was very ornate, and he was swinging the incense pot 
which had smoke coming from it.

Myrtle's nephew Bruce was visiting from San Francisco
and had not been to formal mass before. As the priest was
walking up the isle past them, Bruce touched him on the 
shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress, but your 
purse is on fire!"

Myrtle has not been seen at the church ever since.



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Lucy went to college.  However, she really worried her folks because all
she ever wrote home about was boys and good times.

Her mother decided to have a serious talk with Lucy when she
came home for a weekend.  The mother started out by saying, "Now, dear,
if you are only going to college to find a husband, it certainly will be
expensive shopping."

"Yes, I know, Mom," said Lucy, "but what a supermarket."


The kissing booth at the Charity Fair displayed a large sign: 
"Kisses - $5 to $50."

One young man asked the girl in the booth if the price range 
was a matter of duration.

"Nope!" she smiled. "Lip placement...."



Click through the picture to the large version.

Cmon, Play!

 


My teacher is really giving me a tuff time" Little Johnny was 
telling his father.

"Handle it this way Johnny," his father advised.  
"Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. 
Pay attention in class.  And do your assignments and 
homework promptly."

"I really don't think that'll help Dad," Johnny sighed.  
"She hissed at me during study break that she's 3 weeks 
overdue."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

The minister dies and the congregation decides, after
some time, that his widow, should marry again. Since it is a small
village the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very
reluctantly, since she was used to living with a bible scholar, she
accepts.

After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking
a bath - the new husband tells his wife, "Look, my
mother always said that before the beginning of the
weekend it was a blessing to have sex."

They do it and then on Saturday he tells her, "According to my father it
is a blessing to have sex during the day before the Sabbath.

There they go again and when it is time to go to sleep
he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should
always have sex on Sabbath night."

Finally they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells
her, "My aunt says that a Christian man always starts the Sabbath by
having sex. So lets do it."

Finally on Monday she goes out to the market and meets
a friend that asks her, "So how is the new husband?"

"Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a
wonderful family

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, February 21, 2011

This weekend had beautiful clear skies and it was quite tempting
to sneak off, but the cold temperatures and lack of gas money
kept me indoors. 
Through the window the late February sun sure felt nice!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 573 Subscribers.             Countries


While working as a volunteer at our local Boy Scout Council
office, one of the professional staff -- who was wearing
street clothes instead of her usual uniform -- was talking
about the NATO phonetic alphabet.

She said that she had learned it some years ago and
proceeded to recite it. "Alpha, Bravo, Charlie, Delta..."

But, when she got to the letter "U," she stumbled and
asked for help.

I offered a hint: "What AREN'T you wearing today?"
(I was hinting at Uniform)

"Underwear?" she replied.



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A fight broke out between a couple of redneck locals and a lone biker at
closing time in the local watering hole.  After easily laying out the
drunken hillbillies, the biker heard someone behind him!  So he swung
around and landed a devastating kick, realizing too late
that it was only the barmaid picking up empty glasses.

When the case went to court, the judge asked, "Are you the woman
alleging she was kicked in the altercation?"

She answered, "I ain't never had no altercation!  These is all my
'riginal parts."



Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all
aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad
asked Mom. After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women 
who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her
age. Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?" 

He replied,
"Probably the same thing."



Click through the picture to the large version.
Somewhere in France

 


A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway
across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to
die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their
rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not
going to be rescued. They prayed a lot, and they discussed their
predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You
know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've
wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off
your clothes so I can look at you?"

The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to
take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father,
now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would
you mind taking off your clothes, too?"

With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun
exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your
legs?"

The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I
put it in you, it creates a new life."

"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in that camel's
ass and lets get the hell out of here!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market
one day. They asked how much the cucumbers were. The
merchant said that they were four for a dollar. 

The nuns said agreed to purchase four.  The puzzled
merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers when
there were only three of them.  

A nun answered back,
"Well, we could eat one."