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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, January 29, 2011

Welcome Jim!
Welcome Pete!

It looks to me like Mubarak in Egypt has comitted political
suicide by blocking the Internet. People were annoyed enough,
and encouraged by what happened in Tunesia, wanted to do
something too. 

I doubt that the opposition can do a better job there, but
the people are tired of Mubarak and want him gone.

Initially, they just wanted to do a reasonably peaceful show
of force, like the people in Yemen, who got a major tax break
out of it. But now, with the Internet and cell phones cut,
they are pissed right off! 

Millions of them, who don't have an indoor toilet, but a
cell phone or an Internet connection, had thought they were
coming up in the world, making progress. Experiencing that
Mubarak can toss them back to the stone age with one
command, that is unforgivable. 
He will never live that down.

Now that religion is getting into it and siding with the
protesters, he is truly finished. 

Lets hope leaders in the rest of the world can learn from
that lesson!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 573 Subscribers.             Countries


Dirty Ernie was sitting in his second grade class when he
looked out the window and saw two dogs screwing in the
school yard. He jumped up and hollered, "Hey, everyone!
look at that!"

The teacher ran to the window and pulled the blind.

A little girl in the front row said, "Teacher, what was
those two dogs doing?

The teacher said that the dog on top had a broken leg,
and the dog on the bottom was helping him get home.

Dirty Ernie then said, "Teacher, ain't that just like
life, you try to help someone out and end up getting
screwed?"


One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of
soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray
with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup
bowl.

"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup
bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.

"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to
keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress
informed him.

"Oh yeah, " the man shouted, "then why don’t you take that
finger and of yours and shove it up your fat butt?"

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried
that before I brought your soup out, and it didn't help."


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An airline's passenger cabin was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant,
who seemed to put everyone in a good
mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced to
the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked
me to announce that he'll be landing the big
scary plane shortly, lovely people,  so if you
could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't
moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me
over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise
your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us
on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country,
I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well,  sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, bitch."



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home
at this time of the night?"

Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."

Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"

Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Sam had been a soldier at war for more than
three years, during which he had been in many
battles and won many decorations.  He was
finally discharged from service and returned
home to a wife and son, whom he hadn't seen
in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house,
his young son spotted him and yelled, "Mommy,
Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a Purple
Heart on!"

Turning around to see her husband for the first
time in years she replied, "at this point, I
don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in,
and you go play at the Miller's for the rest of the day!"

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, January 28, 2011
Time to wear a bit of red to show your support for the troops!

Thank you, Francis!
	
Welcome Pete!
Welcome Judy!

Italian PM Berlusconi is in the news again, this time because
a Brazilian model apparently was present at a dinner party, 
when she was only 17, but listed as a high class escort.
As usual, there is no proof, that she ever got within hand shaking
distance of Berlusconi, or that she was more than one of a
dozen "photogenic background cuties" ordered from a
model agency by a staff member. 

But the charges sure sell a lot of newspapers, 
and are guaranteed to raise his ratings.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11


 571 Subscribers.             Countries


How do you get a man to do sit-ups?   
Glue the remote control between his toes !


Two gay guys are standing on a bridge watching
ships pass by underneath them. 
One says to the other,  "What kind of ship is that?" 
"Container ship," replies the other.
"Okay, what's that one over there?"    
"Oil Tanker."
"How about that one?"     
 "That's a ferry ship."
 "Really? I knew we were strong, 
 but I never knew  we had our own NAVY!"


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There was this guy who was 1/2 Irish, 1/2 Scottish.  
He wanted a drink
but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.




Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A drunk advised the clerk that he wanted to buy a bra
for his wife.

Clerk: Here are several styles to choose from, sir.

Drunk: This one will do the job!

Clerk: Do you know the size that your wife requires,sir?

Drunk: 7 1/2 Clerk: I'm sorry, sir, but bras are not
made in that size. Here is a standard listing of
mamufacturer's sizes. Perhaps you can pick from those.

Drunk: 7 1/2.

Clerk: There is some mistake. Let me bring in our buyer
to help.

Drunk: 'Measured it myself! Size is 7 1/2!!

Clerk: But, sir--

Drunk: 7 1/2, God dammit!!!

Clerk: Perhaps you can tell me how you measured? What
did you use?

Drunk: My hat!



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Two men walk out of a bar and notice a dog laying on the
side walk licking it's dick.

One man turns to the other and says "I wish I could do
that."

The other man replies, "You probably can, but you had
better pet him first."

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, January 27, 2011
Thank you Trish!
Thank you Roy!


Lost one subscriber:( 

My neighbor is putting a penthouse on his trailer. Not a full floor,
of course. He would never get away with that. Just a brakeman's
penthouse, like on a railroad caboose, with the roof raised a foot
and a half for four foot length.

His connection with the railroad is a toy train as a kid. He is
not motivated by nostalgia or loyalty to the railroad. 

The brakeman's penthouse is over his washroom. 
He is keeping the regular toilet for solids, and is installing 
a raised "throne" for liquids only. That one flushes with just
few tea spoons of water, instead of 25 Liters (5 gallons).

So far, the upper throne is just a bright orange oil change 
funnel with a toilet seat mounted above it. For the flushing
he connected a windshield washer line and squirter, and a
push-button valve from a drinking fountain. The squirter is
precision bent and he needed me to epoxy it into the side
of the funnel. 

I'm the expert around here, when it comes to gluing plastics.
A little bit of Lepage's grey marine epoxy did the trick 
quite nicely, and earned me a bound of coffee.

Leroy figured that the flushing cost him more than the beer,
and that at the ridiculous rices we pay for water, his 
brakeman's penthouse will pay for itself in a week, and be
clear profit after that.

He is still working on an airplane toilet type flapper, that
will stay closed when nobody is sitting on the seat. I can
already see another pound of coffee being saved up for
that glue job.

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 571 Subscribers.             Countries


Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the
subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women
have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I don't really have a problem,
but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier?  How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before
bed she used to get these terrible headaches, and I had to
go get my 'nitely' at the bar or from Mrs MacGuire across the
street." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had
a headache in years."


From Liz
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store
known for its hot lingerie. To my delight, however, I found just what I
was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman
behind me holding the same nightgown. This confirmed what I suspected
all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it"
attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the
20-something behind me. 

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my great-grandmother."


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From Sandie:
A Pentecostal preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants 
to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

With that, Tom got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, 
"Tom, what do you want me to pray about for you?" 

Tom replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand in Tom's ear, placed his 
other hand on top of Tom's head, and then prayed and prayed and 
prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Tom, and the whole congregation 
joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back 
and asked, "Tom, how is your hearing now?"

Tom answered, "I don't know... It ain't 'til next week."



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

From Ella
Our dog, Lance, suddenly began barking daily at 4 a.m
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry,
searched the back yard for what might
have disturbed this otherwise placid animal.

For three days he found nothing amiss.

Then the dog woke up the neighborhood
at 3 a.m. with frantic barking.

When Larry looked out the window, he
discovered someone throwing pebbles
to land near Lance.

Larry hurried outside and found the culprit.

Crouching on the other side of the fence
was our quiet neighbor, the last man you'd
suspect of wrongdoing.

My husband demanded to know what he was doing.

"My mother-in-law is visiting," the embarrassed
neighbor whispered. "If she loses her beauty sleep
another night, she says, she'll leave."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out 
a box of Tampax and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Six," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not really, but they aren't for me. They are for my
brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you 
can swim and ride a bike. He still can't do either one."

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Two new subscribers!
Welcome Sue!
Welcome sonic!

Cutting the bottom of my picture off seems to have helped
with subscriptions. Unfortunately, neither more nor less seems
to have helped with donations. Not a penny so far in 2011.
What would encourage you to check the couch for loose
change?

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 572 Subscribers.             Countries


In a second grade sex education class, Suzy asks "Teacher, can my momma
get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your mother?"

Suzy says " Forty." T

he teacher says, "Yes, Your mother could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old is your sister?"

Suzy answers "Nineteen."

The teacher says "Oh my yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant."

Suzy asks, "Can I get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, "How old are you?"

Suzy says, "I'm seven years old."

The teacher says, "No, you can't get pregnant."

Little Johnny gives her a poke and says "See, I told you 
we had nothing to worry about."


  Dad was in the field ploughing when he noticed Mary run into the barn,
A few seconds later Bruce runs into the barn after her. After about 20
minutes they still haven't come out of the barn, So Dad decides to see
what they are doing.

  As he walks into the barn he see's Bruce on top of Mary and he was
going to town, Dad thinks to himself that dirty bastard and picks up a
shovel and whacks Bruce on the butt with it. 
Bruce jumps up and runs outside.

  Mary was still lying on the floor trying to cover up her modesty. 
Dad looked down at her and said, "I didn't think you had it in you Mary!"

  "Neither did I, dad!" said Mary, "until you whacked him on the 
ass with the shovel."


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Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in
walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished,
one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got
wasted."

The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange.
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, "My dad says he will
marry my mother next year."

Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response
from the nun, the third one says, "My old man will never EVER marry my
mother!"

The nun looks up from her food and says, "Would one of you fucking
bastards please pass the salt?"



Click through the picture to the large version.

 

The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The
problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available. The
colonel called the first butter-bar into his office and said, "This is a
promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected
in front of Post HQ by 1700, what would you do?"

The first 2nd Looey thought about it for a second, and said, "Sir, I
would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging..."

"You're not ready to be promoted," the Colonel interrupted.

The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.

"Sir," said the next butter-bar, "I would fill out a CE work order,
making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study
and..."

"You are definitely not ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.

The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate. Without
hesitation, the Lieutenant said, "Sir. I would call the First Sergeant,
and say, 'Top, I want a fucking  flag pole in front of HQ by 1700!"

"You're ready to be promoted," the Colonel said.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Two men are talking:
A: I met a fairy yesterday. She told me she could give me a 
longer penis 
or more memory.

B: And what did you choose?

A: I can't remember.

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Welcome Jackie!

People in Edmonton are getting 13 Million dollars in speeding 
tickets refunded, because 26 out of 245,000 tickets could not
be properly verified. These were just the automatic tickets
generated by intersection cameras, that record speeding through
intersections or driving through a red light.

So they announced that for the next 2 - 3 weeks the cameras
will be turned off, until they are calibrated better.
Or until everybody has gotten used to the camera holiday!

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	




Since 1/1/11

 570 Subscribers.             Countries


Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they 
both go before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must
decide which of them gets in.

St. Peter asks Dolly if there's some particular reason
why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top
and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones
God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to be
able to see them every day for eternity."

St.Peter thanks Dolly and asks Queen Liz the same question.

She then drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, "OK, Your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? 
I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a 
quick hygiene act and gets in and I don't?!!!"

"Sorry, Dolly," says St. Peter, "but a royal flush beats a
nice pair any day."


Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, "How do
you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb"

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell
dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

"I may be dumb and I may be stupid, 
but Darla says my dictate good!"


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Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.

The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy
years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try
to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all
kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm
eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to
move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds
of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety
years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every
morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00
sharp I wake up."



Click through the picture to the large version.

I can just imagine everybody driving like idiots to see
the front side of that balloon!

 

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no
one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned
away. She wondered why this would happen. So she went to her
doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that may
be there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he
would give her a complete exam.

He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.
He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he
asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He had
a bit of an accetn but told her, "I know what youa ploblem is, 
you have Zachary Difease."

The lady then asked, "What is Zachary Disease?"

The doctor said, "Lady youa mouth smells zachary rike youa 
ass."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

An older couple went to the doctors office together.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the
doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"
and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an
appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then
leave.  Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to
find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for
$50, and I get $43 back from Medicare!"