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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
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When the maid asked for a pay increase, the wife was very 
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. 
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase ?' 
 
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want an 
increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' 
 
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me ?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.' 
 
Wife: 'Oh.' 
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am better cook than you.' 
 
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband did.' 
 
Wife: 'Oh..' 
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you.' 
 
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well ?' 
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.' 
 
Wife: 'So how much do you want ?'


KID:  "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And the stork brings babies?"

MOM:  "Why certainly, dear."

KID:  "Then what's dad hanging around for?"

 



Large Version
Our-mom-is-tougher-than-yours!


A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head
with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she
replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan
knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was
that for?"
"Your horse phoned."


A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated
the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The
boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive
person on his weapon.


A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the
government, so for homework that one day, she told her
students to ask their parents what the government is. When
Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and
ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this
way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, the maid is
the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is
the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
'Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it
better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to
bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened
by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's
crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his
diaper. 

So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. 
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through
the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the
keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't
there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through
the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his
maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized
something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the
government! The President is screwing the work force,
Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and
the future is shitty!''



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, July 26, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

After the company party, when most went to the pub for something
stronger than the lame company punch, Joe's wife stood up 
and said that it was time to get ready for a tost she wanted 
to make.. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband 
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The barmaid was
almost crushed to death.


A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a
steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep
other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center
of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he
was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not
going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of
the truck.

He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled,
"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear
me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously
satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was
coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the
only one with brakes."

 





Three men are discussing their lovemaking abilities. The first man says,
"My wife, last night I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we
make wonderful love.  She screamed in pleasure for five minutes."

The second man says, "Last night I smothered sweet butter on my wife's
body, then we made passionate love.  She screamed for half an hour."

The last man says, "I covered Pegi's body with Cheese Whiz.
We made love and she screamed for six hours."

"Six hours?" the others say, "How did you make her scream for six
hours?"

He says, " I wiped my hands on the drapes."


A plumber knocked at the door. "I've come to fix your blocked 
toilet, he said to the man answered the door.

"But we haven't got a blocked toilet."

"Are you Mr. Collis?" asked the plumber.

 "No. He moved away two months ago."

"Shit! There are some real bastards in the world,"the plumber said.
"They ring for a plumber as a screaming emergency, 
and then move off to another address!"


Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help
me!  Every night I have the same horrible dream.   I'm lying in bed
when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start
tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see.  And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 25, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the
woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed. "I'm not
sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold
or you're pregnant." "Oh," says the woman, "I must
be pregnant
--I don't know anyone who could have given me a
cold."


A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot
identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man
there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually
catches them doing what comes naturally. To make
sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts
out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round
the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The
male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf
whistles, and says, "I see she caught YOU at it, too."

 



Large Version
Looks like he has a problem with the electric can opener!


Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education
in the schools. What they're not considering though is that
if the kids learn it the way they learn all the other
subjects, they still won't know how to "do it" anyway.


A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who 
now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town.

"I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. 
"How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody 
in town knows what everybody else is doing?"

"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper 
to see who got caught at it."


Q: "Why don't roosters have hands?"
A:  "Because chickens don't have boobs!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 23, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a
most uncomplimentary drawing of herself on the
blackboard. Fuming, she asked the class, "Who is
responsible for this atrocity?!"

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his
peers by answering,
"I don't know for sure, but it's probably something hereditary."


A bus full of nuns crashes and all of them die. They are all
standing outside the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first
nun "whats the worst thing youve done?" 

She starts crying and says she saw a mans erection. 

St. Peter says wash your eyes in the holy fountain and all 
will be forgiven. You may pass.

The second nun comes before St Peter and he asks her the
same question. She breaks down and says she gave a man a
hand job. 

He tells her to wash her hands in the holy fountain and
all will be forgiven.

Just then St Peter sees a nun cut in the front of the line.
He tells her that there is no need for any hurry in heaven. 

The nun replies "But I want to wash out my mouth before 
Sister Mary sticks her ass in the fountain."

 



We need more trees, or fewer dogs!


A glamorous actress, whose best days were behind her, 
began finding herself without male companionship several 
evenings a week. To help pass the time--and perhaps catch 
a live one--she decided to attend one of those charity meetings. 

She dozed quietly throughout the opening address, but awoke 
suddenly to hear the speaker say:
"Now let's get out and work like beavers."

The actress nudged the person sitting next to her and 
whispered, "How do beavers work?"

The answer from the confused lady on her left was, "I'm not too
sure, but I think it's with their tails."

The actress jumped to her feet and shouted as loud as she could,
"Put me down for three nights a week!"


There's a new jewelrey store in Hollywood whose business 
has suddenly leaped ahead of all the competition. 
It rents wedding rings.


Two guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other and
says "Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me
have 4 beers" 

His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should 
do what I do. Drink as many beers as you can fit down you, 
follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys & a bourbon! 
Then go home, shove your head under the blanket &
lick your wife like crazy, she WONT complain after,
trust me!" 

So the guy gets tanked and wobbles home. After he 
stumbles up the stairs, he opens the bedroom door, and 
without hesitation, dives under the blanket and licks away!

After 15 minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll
never kiss me like this." 

So of to the bathroom he goes.
When he gets there he see's his wife, laying there in the bath
reading a book. 

"What the hell!!" he shouts out. 

"SHUSH!!" she wispers back to him "You'll wake my mother,
and you know how she hates your guts!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 23, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to screw, or I don't know how to shit."



A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby!  The doctor gave me a test today, but
until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.

 




Well, that calls for a Hillary joke!

Hillary's Driver  Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising 
along a New York country road one evening when an old cow 
tottered in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't...
the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain 
to the owners what happened.  About an hour later, the driver 
staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.  
He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an 
expensive Cuban cigar in the other and
was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, 
his wife gave me the wine, and their twin daughters made 
mad passionate love to me." 

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. 

The driver replied: "I told them, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, 
and I just killed the old cow."


Two teensters, ages fourteen and sixteen, were turned down
by the marriage license clerk.  Then they asked, "Could you
give us a learners' permit?"


Here is a classic I found in an old Dear Webby Humor Letter:
A preacher wanted to raise cash for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured
that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The
next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S
ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S
ASS This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline
the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
10.00 bucks. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR
10.00 bucks This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where
it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER
ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
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