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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 23, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A high school teacher arrived late for class to find a
most uncomplimentary drawing of herself on the
blackboard. Fuming, she asked the class, "Who is
responsible for this atrocity?!"

The class clown won tremendous prestige among his
peers by answering,
"I don't know for sure, but it's probably something hereditary."


A bus full of nuns crashes and all of them die. They are all
standing outside the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the first
nun "whats the worst thing youve done?" 

She starts crying and says she saw a mans erection. 

St. Peter says wash your eyes in the holy fountain and all 
will be forgiven. You may pass.

The second nun comes before St Peter and he asks her the
same question. She breaks down and says she gave a man a
hand job. 

He tells her to wash her hands in the holy fountain and
all will be forgiven.

Just then St Peter sees a nun cut in the front of the line.
He tells her that there is no need for any hurry in heaven. 

The nun replies "But I want to wash out my mouth before 
Sister Mary sticks her ass in the fountain."

 



We need more trees, or fewer dogs!


A glamorous actress, whose best days were behind her, 
began finding herself without male companionship several 
evenings a week. To help pass the time--and perhaps catch 
a live one--she decided to attend one of those charity meetings. 

She dozed quietly throughout the opening address, but awoke 
suddenly to hear the speaker say:
"Now let's get out and work like beavers."

The actress nudged the person sitting next to her and 
whispered, "How do beavers work?"

The answer from the confused lady on her left was, "I'm not too
sure, but I think it's with their tails."

The actress jumped to her feet and shouted as loud as she could,
"Put me down for three nights a week!"


There's a new jewelrey store in Hollywood whose business 
has suddenly leaped ahead of all the competition. 
It rents wedding rings.


Two guys are drinking at a bar when one turns to the other and
says "Right, time I was going home, the wife only lets me
have 4 beers" 

His friend says, "No, no, no, that'll never do. You should 
do what I do. Drink as many beers as you can fit down you, 
follow that with 5 tequilas, 3 whiskeys & a bourbon! 
Then go home, shove your head under the blanket &
lick your wife like crazy, she WONT complain after,
trust me!" 

So the guy gets tanked and wobbles home. After he 
stumbles up the stairs, he opens the bedroom door, and 
without hesitation, dives under the blanket and licks away!

After 15 minutes he figures "Right, best go wash up or she'll
never kiss me like this." 

So of to the bathroom he goes.
When he gets there he see's his wife, laying there in the bath
reading a book. 

"What the hell!!" he shouts out. 

"SHUSH!!" she wispers back to him "You'll wake my mother,
and you know how she hates your guts!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, July 23, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A college professor is explaining to his class that pleasure is a mental
state, and that many people overlook the things they already have.

He explains, "A man who has developed a true sense of appreciation can
enjoy a good bowel movement as much as having sexual intercourse."

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Professor, either you don't know how
to screw, or I don't know how to shit."



A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms
around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I
think we're going to have a baby!  The doctor gave me a test today, but
until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to
do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle.

 




Well, that calls for a Hillary joke!

Hillary's Driver  Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising 
along a New York country road one evening when an old cow 
tottered in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't...
the old cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain 
to the owners what happened.  About an hour later, the driver 
staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray.  
He was holding a bottle of expensive wine in one hand, an 
expensive Cuban cigar in the other and
was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, 
his wife gave me the wine, and their twin daughters made 
mad passionate love to me." 

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. 

The driver replied: "I told them, I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, 
and I just killed the old cow."


Two teensters, ages fourteen and sixteen, were turned down
by the marriage license clerk.  Then they asked, "Could you
give us a learners' permit?"


Here is a classic I found in an old Dear Webby Humor Letter:
A preacher wanted to raise cash for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to
purchase one and enter it in the races.

However at the local auction, the going price for horses was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured
that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it
in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third! The
next day the local paper carried this headline: PREACHER'S
ASS SHOWS.

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered
it in the race again, and this time it won. The paper read:
PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another
race. The paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S
ASS This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
preacher to get rid of the donkey. The preacher decided to
give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The paper headline
the next day read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for
10.00 bucks. Next day the headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR
10.00 bucks This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered
the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where
it could run wild and free.

Next day, the headline in the paper read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER
ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 22, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

My ex-father-in-law walked in the other day...
and said, "Hey, if you keep doing that, it  will make you
go blind!"

So I replied, "Hey Joe........ you are talking to the
mop, I'm over here at the computer."


An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and
was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there
something in particular I can show you?" he asked.
"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."
"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.
"Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging.
"All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

 



Large version
X-Large version


Pa and Ma were taking a load of produce into town to sell.

Pa held the reins as the old horse trotted down the road.

Ma said softly, "Pa, hold my hand."

Pa obliged.

A bit later, Ma says, "Pa, kiss me?" So he kisses her.

A little further along, she says."Pa . . . "

"Damn it. Ma!" snapped Pa. "Get off the cucumbers and sit
on the melons!"


After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the
politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the
dressing table.

"Thanks," she said. "But I only charge $20."

"Twenty bucks for the entire night?" the amazed politician
replied. "You can't make a living on that."

"Oh, don't worry," the hooker replied. "I do a little
blackmail on the side!"


The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20
-- $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out." The boy quickly agreed.

The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her
panties and laid back.  The boy slipped it in and handed her a
$10 bill. And later, when he was finished, he handed her another 
$10 and she released him.

The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed.  This 
time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just 
lay there. After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy! Take it 
out now."

He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more
money."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 21, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Variation on an old joke:
This beautiful young blonde walks into the health
clinic and begins to talk to the nurse. "Excuse me,
ma'am, is this where I can get a vassilation?"

"I think you mean you need a vaccination," said the
nurse.

"Yeah, whatever. Just don't give it to me on my arm
because I wear a sleepless nightgown."

"You mean a sleeveless nightgown?"

"Yeah, whatever. And don't give it to me on my thigh
because I have a zucchini bathing suit."

"You mean a bikini?"

"Yeah, ok. And don't give it to me on my virginia."

"You mean your vagina?"

"All right!!" shouts the girl. "Virginia, vagina, just
as long as I don't get small cox!!!!"


After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to
perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but
nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind" and refers
him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you
could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch
doctor.

The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." She throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor
says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!
All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you
wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The
witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it
will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with
the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and
suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

 





From Bobbie
This morning I was standing next to a very fat fellow at a urinal when
suddenly for no discernible reason he confided in me that he "hadn't
seen his thing in 15 years." 

Not knowing why he suddenly decided to confide such personal 
information to a complete stranger, and not knowing what else to say 
and wanting to be helpful, I said, "Why don't you diet?" 

Giving me a surprised sideways stare, he said, "Dye it? What
color is it now?"

There is a business man, and he has a wife who has to
have sex every hour on the hour. The man is worried about
his wife, because he is going on a business trip, so he goes
to a sex shop to try and buy something that might please his
wife. The man tells the clerk about his situation, and the
clerk brings out an item called "VooDoo Dick". The clerk
tells the man that it has the ability to bone the mans wife,
and he doesn't even have to be there, because the VooDoo
Dick can be activated from anywhere in the world, but only
by a man's voice, so the clerk demostrates for the man by
saying "VooDoo Dick wall" and the VooDoo Dick starts banging
the wall, then he says" VooDoo Dick stop" and it stops, the
man is impressed and he buys it.

The man gives the present to his wife and goes on his trip.
While in the air, he realizes that it is time for him to
activate the VooDoo Dick, but he doesn't know that his wife
has taken the car and gone shopping, so he says "VooDoo Dick
wife" and the VooDoo Dick starts to bang his wife while she
is driving, so she starts driving all crazy, swerving all
over the road. Eventually the husband says "VooDoo Dick stop", 
but a cop had stopped her right when he said that.

The officer is asking the wife "So ma'am, why were you
speeding", 
and she says "It wasn't my fault, it was VooDoo Dick!"

The officer replies "VooDoo Dick?? You are drunk!
VooDoo Dick my ass!!"


While browsing through a magazine, Sol was attracted
to a story about chickens.

They have yellow eyes and are being fitted with red
contact lenses, which make then eat less, lay more,
and stop henpecking.

Sol turns to Goldie and says, "You know, once word of
this gets around, rose-colored glasses are going to be
the hottest Chanukah gift this year from husbands to
wives."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------   

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 20, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Dad took his little boy to Walmart.  Of course, as you walk in the
machines with prizes in them are irresistible.  Dad gives in as he wants
the boy to be occupied.  The kid inserts 2 quarters. and gets the little
clear balls w/ toys inside.  The kid removes the toy, puts the little
plastic covers in his back pockets and they continue on in to shop. 

Now they are standing in line waiting to check out.  The boy is by now 
bored and fussy  - becoming very irritable and  dad's frustration is 
mounting.

Finally,  dad breaks - he picks the kid up and sits him firmly down on
the counter...The boy immediately starts wailing and dad says 
"Stop that!".  

The son replies   between screams, " But dad, you busted my little balls! "


Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office.
"What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol.

"It's my boyfriend." gushes Judi. "He was working on the engine under
the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!"

"My god", shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?"

"No thank goodness" sniffs Judi. "But it was the one just next to it!"

 



Large
X-Large


Joe and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Joe was looking really down in
the dumps. "Whats the matter?", Bill asked. 

"I dont get it", Joe sighed. The dating scene is so confusing. 
There are so many damned people you have to please.  
Like this one woman, she liked me, her mom liked me, 
but her father hated me.  

Then there was this other woman, both of her parents really 
liked me, but SHE didnt like me. 

And then there was this woman I met last night.  She absolutely 
loved me, her parents seemed to really like me too, 
but her husband could'nt stand me!"


A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a
primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them
Reading, Writing, Math and Science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a
white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the
professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white
man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white
child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what
happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence of what we in the
civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over
there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one.
Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you
what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I
won't say anything more about that white kid."


There were two high school sweethearts who went out together
for four years in high school and were both virgins and
enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th
grade.  When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the
same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the
east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime
they could together.  As time went on, the guy would call
the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would
take weeks to return any letters.  Even when he e-mailed
her, she took days to return his messages.  Finally, she
confessed to him that she wanted to date around.   He didn't
take this very well and increased his calls and letters and
e-mails trying to win back her love.  Because she became
annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him
off her back.   So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new
boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend
with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me
alone."  Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but
even more so, he was pissed.  So what he did next was
awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom
and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more
money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby


Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
----------- \ _)--------/    /------------
-----------------------(_ /--------------
-----------------------------------------