|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, June 8, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A beautiful woman is sitting on a train with an empty seat next to her. A cowboy dressed in a Stetson hat and fancy boots saunters over and says, "Pardon me, ma'am, do you mind if I sit here?" The woman looks up at him and says, "I most certainly do! Cowboys are disgusting! I hate cowboys! Cowboys are mean, crude, vile, and uncouth! I'll tell you something else I know about cowboys. Cowboys will screw anything! Cowboys will screw sheep, they'll screw cattle, they'll screw dogs, they'll screw lizards, they'll screw chickens!" The cowboy, sitting downanyway, remarks thoughtfully, "Chickens?" A man spent his entire life savings on his pride and joy An E-type Jaguar. So he took it onto the motorway to see how fast it would go. He was in the middle lane doing a cool 80mph when a chicken ran up besides him in the outer lane. The chicken looked at him, gave him the finger and overtook him. The man was not going to have this happen in his new car and changed down to 3rd gear and took up pursuit. At 100mph the man pulled level with the chicken whose legs were now just a blur. The chicken once again gave the man the finger and pulled away from the man. To the mans amazement this happened again at 120mph and again at 140mph. Finally the chicken lifted his left wing and indicated off the motorway. The man had to know what kind of chicken could run at such speeds so he too pulled off the motorway and followed the chicken. Up an A-road Up a B road Up a narrow lane and into a farm yard. Zoom !!! Straight into the chicken hut. There was a farmer propping up a pitchfork in the middle of the yard so the man pulled up and spoke to him. "I've just been overtaken on the motorway by one of your chickens. It was doing over 100mph! What kind of chicken is it?" "Well" said the farmer, "On Sunday at lunchtime I likes a leg, me wife likes a leg and me son Jethro likes a leg. So we genetically designed a three legged chicken!" "What a good idea" replied the man. "What do they taste like?" Din't know." grunted the farmer "Never ever caught one yet!" 
Illegals are excempt. They get free medicare anyway.
On their wedding night, Bruce displays his dick to his new blonde virgin bride and tells her it's the only one in the world. She, of course, believes him. He's gone for a conference for a couple of weeks and returns, only to be questioned by his new wife. "Bruce," she says, "I thought you said you had the only one in the world. But Harry at the drug store has one too." "Well, er," Bruce flusters, "Harry and I were in the war together, I had two, so I gave him one of mine." "Oh. Well, why did you give him the big one?" Lori, the pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It has gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week." "I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your willpower and resolve in this matter." "For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
 Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
140263
| permalink |
( 3 / 133 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 7, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did. "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done. "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?" "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in the gas station on the corner." Olga and Olie were applying for a wedding license and were answering questions asked by the clerk. "Olga, how old are you?" Olga answered, "I am going to be tventy one in Yanuary." Next the clerk asked, "Olga, how tall are you?" Responding, Olga stated, "I'm yust about six feet tall." "And how much do you weigh, Olga?" "I weigh yust about 195 pounds." "Wow," exclaimed the clerk. "You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers." "Oh no," answered Olga, "I yust play with Olie's packer." 
I that is the staff, I'd hate to see the nuts!
A young newly married couple inherited a parrot from an aged relative. This parrot was very talkative, and was forever informing visitors as to what went on in the newlyweds' home. One evening, after a very embarrassing comment from the bird, the husband had enough and said to the parrot, "That's it! You will be covered up much earlier in the future, and if you take your cage cover off or embarrass us again, you will be sent to the zoo." Two days later, the couple was preparing for a short trip, and as usual, the suitcase was too full to close. So the husband said, "I'll get on top and jump up and down and you see if you can get it." After a bit, the wife said, "This is no good. I'll get on top and you see if you can get it." This still did not work, and so the husband said, "Tell you what, let's both get on top and bounce up and down. That'll get it." With this, the parrot pulled off the cage cover and said, "Zoo or no zoo, this I have got to see." A woman was walking down the street when she was stopped by a man who was carrying out a survey. "Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex." "Really!" said the woman smiling. "Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, on the old TV it was OK, nice and warm, but on these goofy flat screens, forget it!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
140000
| permalink |
( 2.9 / 126 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, June 6, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Banta went to a Dr. and said: "Doctor, I`m having problems with my sex life!" Doctor: "What do you mean?" Banta: "Well, I`m just not getting any." Doctor: "Look out the window then." Banta: "Oh yeah, I see thats a Nurse hostel. Good idea Doctor!" Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of... A businessman and his secretary were overcome by passion, and the executive convinced her to go to his house for what is popularly termed a "nooner." "Don't worry," he purred. "My wife is out of town on a business trip and won't bother us." The pair were necking in the businessman's bedroom when the secretary gasped, "We've got to stop now! I'm not using any birth control!" "No problem," he replied. "I know where my wife keeps her diaphragm." He began rooting around in the bathroom. After a half hour, he returned to the bedroom in a fury. "That witch!" he exclaimed. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me." 
WOW! I'd carry a LOT of twigs for a dress like that!
Large version
Grandma, who was living with her daughter's family, let her 12-year-old grandson in from school. "What did you learn today?" she asked. "Sex education. All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff," he replied matter-of-factly. The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter. Her daughter replied, "Mom, this is 2010. These days, it's all part of the curriculum." A few hours later, the grandmother was reading, when her daughter announced that dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson's bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. "Sonny," she said, "when you're finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat." A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way." The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage and wired it all together. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
139807
| permalink |
( 2.9 / 122 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, June 5, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They determined to make a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous trunks, sunglases, shirts, etc. The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, when a drop dead gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? The next day, they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud; you could hear them before you even saw them. Once again, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine etc. After a while, the same gorgeous blond came wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them. Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes?" she replied. "We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests?" "Father, it's me, Sister Helen." There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they had always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." 
Oh No! Dead Battery!
Bozo should be sentenced to march a mile in stilettos!
MARCH! Not tippie-toe!
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it: The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform! "MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!" "Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those damn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!" An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed, "Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't!" he replied. "I'm just going to get more flowers!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
139616
| permalink |
( 2.9 / 132 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, June 4, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Bambi, a young lady sidled up to a guest at the party. She had heard him addressed as doctor and now she said diffidently, "Doctor, may I ask a question?" "Certainly," he said. "Lately," said Bambi, "I have been having a funny pain right here over my heart..." The guest interrupted uncomfortably and said, "I'm terribly sorry, Bambi, but the truth is, I'm a doctor of philosophy." "Oh," said Bambi, "I'm sorry!" She turned away, but then overcome with curiosity, she turned back. "Just one more question, doctor. Tell me, what kind of disease is philosophy?" This one is almost too raunchy, just keep in mind that it is a joke on Quebecios haxent, ahem accent, and nothing more. One summer, a few years ago, a middle age French-Canadian man named Jacques decided to vacation on the coast of Maine. While soaking up some sun on the beach, a very pretty girl caught his eye and his sexual desires. He immediately got up, ran to her, grabbed her by the hand and brought her to his hotel room. There he had sex with her and then sent the young lady on her way. That rather annoyed her and she remembered that she was a prim and proper maine woman. She immediately reported the incident to the police and Jacques was promptly arrested. On his court date the judge asked him if he understood the nature of the crime he committed against the young lady. Jacques looked at the judge with a bewildered look and said "Non!! Hi don't understand! Hin my country you grab de pretty girl, bring her to de hotel room, BOOM-BOOM, give hit to her den let her go! Hit's O.K.!!!" "Sir", the judge said, in THIS country if you are to have sex with a lady, you must have her permission first, or it is considered rape. You must have her consent!" After hearing this, Jacques turned around and mysteriously looked at the judge and exclaimed, "CUNSCENT!!! Hi got her cunscent!!! Hi got her cunscent on my fingers, cunscent on my tongue, cunscent on my mustache, hi got her cunscent heverywhere!!! 
No, I don't know who the guy on the long neck horse is.
Interesting use of old tires!
Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church. Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter and, once in a while, he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed what a fine looking woman she was. While they were taking up the collection, Ole leaned forward and said, "Hey, Lena, how about you and me go to dinner in New Ulm next Friday?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Well, Ole couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his old Ford, and on Friday he picked Lena up and took her to the finest restaurant in New Ulm. When they sat down, Ole looked over at Lena and said, "Hey, Lena, vould you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Vell, Ole was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "vould you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, Ole," said Lena. "Vat vould I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, Ole was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his Ford and was driving Lena home when they passed the Hot Springs Motel. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Lena," said Ole, "how vould you like to stop at that motel with me?" "Yah, Ole, dot vould be nice," said Lena. Vell, Ole couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in vith Lena. The next morning Ole got up first. He looked at Lena lying there in the bed, her hair all spread out on her pillow. "Vat have I done? Vat have I done?" thought Ole. He shook Lena and she woke up. "Lena, I've got to ask you von ting," said Ole. "Vat are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" "Lena said, "The same ting I alvays tell dem. You don't have to smoke and drink to haf a good time!" While vacationing in the hills of Arkansas, the big city man discovered he had no writing paper at all for his personal correspondence. He went into the small town near-by and found only an old-fashioned country store. Behind the counter was a really nice looking young lass, quite obviously a local farm girl. He asked, "Do you keep stationery?" "Well," she giggled, "I can...until I come, but then I just go plain wild and crazy.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
| |||
| Subscribe a friend to the Ophelia Dingbatter News | |||
|
Names and addresses will never be sold or transferred to anybody. |
|||
| MagicList 7.5 Newsletter Manager Software c Webby 1996-2010 |
139375
| permalink |
( 3 / 146 )Back Next
Avatar
