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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, May 8, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with deer hunters. About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right here. How about consummating our marriage?" Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The repaired bus took eventually off. Fifty miles down the road, it broke down again. This time it was next to a good looking motel. Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena, there's a nice motel, how about ve consummate our marriage?" Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth." The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road, the bus broke down again. This time they were out in the woods. However, there was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus. Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it." Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere next to a nice hotel and you said 'No'. Then, ve vere by a motel and you said 'No'. But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?" Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke down again, the fucking season vould be over. A raggedy old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped her. When it was over, the man said, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She replied, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, ... unless you're too tired." From Virginia 
There were these two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!" "What's your hurry?" askes the other. "Me and the wife are having sex again today". "Again? How often do you have sex?" "Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernikle Bread". And he scurried off. As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernikle Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter. "Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernikle Bread". "I'll take it all." the old man blurts out. The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard" The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?" A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh, yeah? Prove it." He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay." He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can I tell?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, May 7, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Jill: Did I tell you about the great training session I attended for the office last week? Jenny: No! Let's hear it. Jill: Well they put us up in a great hotel, and I met some very interesting people. Jenny: That's wonderful! Was your room nice? Jill: My room? Gee, I don't think I ever saw MY room! A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!" He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's ok, then I won't tell you who the father is!" 
A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest put down his book and opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never even tasted it?" The rabbi closed his newspaper and responded, "I must tell you the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." The rabbi had his turn of interrogation: "I know that in your religion, you're supposed to be celibate, but..." The priest interjected, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice." The two resumed their reading. It was silent for a while. Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper with a smile and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" A group of prisoners are in their rehabilitation meeting. Their task for today is to each stand up in turn speak their name and admit to their fellow inmates what crime they committed. The first prisoner stands and says "My name is Daniel and I'm in for murder" Everyone gives him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrong doing. The next guy stands up and says "My name is Mike and I'm in for armed robbery" Again, there is a round of approving looks. This goes around the circle until it gets to the last guy. He stands up and says "My name is Melvin, but I'm not telling you what I'm in for" The group leader says "Now, come on Melvin, you have to admit it to us to make any progress. Tell us what you did." "Ok then. I'm in for screwing dogs." Everyone is disgusted! They all shout "Oh that's disgusting! How LOW can you go!?!" "Chihuahuas", Melvin replies --- Just like some people have collections of Blonde jokes, I used to have a collection of Chihuahua jokes. My favorite definition of a Chihuahua has always been: "Soccer ball for blind athletes."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, May 6, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" Survival Kit Put M & M's into a cute container and add these directions: To temporarily calm your craving for chocolate, eat the BROWN one. At the first sign of hot flashes eat the RED one. Eat the ORANGE one to minimize depression. The GREEN one calms your frustrations, when you want to be left Alone. If you feel a headache coming on eat the YELLOW one. The BLUE one reduces Bloating. If all symptoms occur at the same time, eat the WHOLE BAG!!! 
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her." "Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law." "Yeah," John answered. "But I got mine pregnant." On their honeymoon the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our rela- tionship." "What is it?" she asked. "I'm a golfer," he said. "What's the big deal about that?" she asked. He replied, "When I say I'm a golfer, I mean that I'll be on the course Saturday, Sunday, Wednesday afternoon, and any holidays. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf - golf wins." She pondered a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. In the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. I'm a hooker." "No problem," was his response, "just widen your stance a little and overlap your grip and that should sort it out."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults. Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 5, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Jack was to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a fireside chat. "Jack," he says, "Let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers, handed them to your mother and said 'Here Honey, try these on'. So she did, and said 'Well sweetie, they're a little too big, I can't wear them' so I replied 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will'. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack, and thinks it's a good thing to try. So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his trousers and says to Jill, "Here Babe, try these on". So she does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me". Jack then says, "Exactly. I wear the trousers in this relationship, I always will, and I don't want you to forget that". At this, Jill takes off her knickers, hands them to Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine". So he tries and says, "I can't get even half way into your knickers". Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your f**king attitude, you never will!" Sister Margaret had been a model nun all her life, but then she was called to her reward. As she approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said Hold on, Sister Margaret - not so fast!" But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the convent to my dying breath, I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem. You never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong," replied St. Peter. "Well what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished...we will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up!" "Good!" replied the old saint, "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me immediately." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter shortly after taking several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter...I feel woozy...that vile liquid burned my throat and nauseated me...it is all I can do to keep it down." "Good...good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong" said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense then call me." A week later, Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Pete? It's Maggie. It's gonna be a while! 
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant, and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful, and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and, until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl started to laugh and reached over to hug her mother saying, "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!" While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act. "Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!" But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening. "Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." "Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, May 4, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I was alone in the elevator when a voice came on the intercom and asked if any lights on the control panel were lit. The elevator's computer was having problems, the voice explained. As I was replying, a man stepped in and I could see from the expression on his face that he thought I was talking to myself. I told him that I was speaking to the intercom, but, to my dismay, the device remained silent. "Come on," I pleaded into the speaker. "This guy thinks I'm crazy." No response. We reached the man's floor and he exited. But just as the door closed, a hearty laugh came over the intercom. "Did he get off?" the voice asked. "I'm sorry, but I just couldn't resist!" Pipe Specifications of the Government 1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic centered around the hole. 2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes of different length than the pipe. 3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside. 4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date. 5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a lot of time on the job site. 6. All pipe over 500ft (153m) in length should have the words "long pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a long pipe. 7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must have the words "long pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe. 8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "large pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small pipe. 9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle. 10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the wrong way. 11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way. 12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread, but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other. 13. All pipe has to have identifying labels stating the name of the manufacturer, type, model, dimension and regulatory approval seal painted or embossed on the outside in a size that is easily read without magnification or instrumentation, for the entire length of the pipe. No labels shall be applied to the inside (hole side) of the pipe. 
David comes home from work early one day and discovers his wife giving the paperboy a blowjob. He starts screaming and yelling at her. "How could you give the paperboy a blowjob when you know dam well it's the milkman we owe money to?" The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "Just as I do at the dinner table." Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile. "Yes," replied the girl, "Much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please point the pussy this way." A guy falls asleep on the train and misses his stop. He gets off at the end of the line and asks a cabbie how much a ride to his crib would be. "Twenty bucks, pal," the cabbie says. "Listen, I've got five on me and the rest at home," the guy says. "Take a hike, pal," the cabbie tells him. The guy walks 15 miles home at 3:00 a.m., plotting revenge the whole way. The next night, he gets off at the same stop as the night previous, and sees the same cabby third in a queue. He asks the first driver in line how much the fare is. "Twenty bucks," the cab driver says. "How about five and a blowjob?" the guys asks. "Take a friggin' hike, you pansy," the cabbie says. He then asks the second driver in line how much the ride would be. "Twenty bucks," the cabbie says. He makes the same proposition and receives pretty much the same response. He then hops in the cab with the driver from the night before, handed him $25, and drives away winking at the first two drivers, giving them the old thumbs up! When ideas fail, words come in very handy. --- Goethe
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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