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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, March 13, 2010 Tonight, change the clocks to show one hour ahead of where they currently are. At the same time, also replace your smoke detector batteries. Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work. Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "You see, my mother was hard of hearing. My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?" 
Beware of Big Dog
Three women were having a drink on the patio of their country club when the door to the men's locker room blew open, exposing a man who was wearing nothing but a towel over his head. "Well, it's not my husband," said the first woman after looking. "He isn't mine either," said the second. After a long look, the third woman said, "Why, he isn't even a member!" Sister Mary Margaret enters O'Flynn's liquor shop. "I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O'Flynn. The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns. "A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun, too!" "Oh, no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly. His constipation, you know." O'Flynn smiles, nods and puts a bottle into a bag. Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way. Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day. On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret. She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her feet. "Sister!" O'Flynn scolds. "And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation!" "It ish," answers Sister Mary Margaret. "When he shees me, he'sh gonna shit!" Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile. "Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked. "Lena gave it to me." "She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?" "Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, > got out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said, 'Ole, take vatever you vant.' ...So I took da car." "Ole, you're a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya. --- Ole and Sven are the guys who hand out Nobel Peace Prizes
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, March 12, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The night before her wedding, Wendy talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..." "I know all about sex, mother," Wendy interrupted. "I want you to teach me how to make a decent lasagna....." A woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said,"Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store. He begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was really pleased about that and grinning from ear to ear and walked into a Chinese restaurant nearby to celebrate. In there she collided with a waiter. The waiter bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." 
On their last vacation, John and Marsha saved some money by staying a night in a very cheap hotel. Just as they were falling asleep, they heard the sounds of creaky mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room. At first they were amused by the amorous couple. After five minutes it had lost its charm. After ten minutes they were more than a little annoyed. After fifteen minutes, they were just plain ticked off, as it was keeping them awake. After half an hour they were incensed! After an hour they had to admit - they were pretty damned impressed. A seventy-five year old guy, his hair is completely white, marries a twenty-two year old girl, and she gets pregnant. Nine months later, he walks into the Maternity Ward. He says to the nurse, "Well, how'd I do?" The nurse says, "She had twins." He says, "Heh, heh, heh...well, I guess that goes to show, that even if there's snow on the roof, there can still be fire in the furnace." She says, "Well, then you'd better change filters. Both of the babies are black." In her late forties her father died and she came into a lot of money. The father had kept her a tight lead on her and she had never dated, had sex or anything to do with a man like that. So with her new found wealth she hired a detective agency to find her an attractive man about her same age who had never had a woman so they could start out even. Not an easy task. They looked all over this country, then started overseas. Finely after a many month search they found a man way off in the outback, raised by natives that they could certify had never had any relations with a woman. They contacted him, told him of the woman's generous offer of cash. If he would come to the states and marry her. He accepted and they were married. On the wedding night the woman went into the bath to get ready for bed. When she came back out every bit of furniture was pushed and stacked in a corner, the main room bare. She asked, What is going on. This is to be the most wonderful night of our lives and you have moved all the furnishings to the corner?" He said, "Oh this will be a wonderful night. I have never had a woman but I have dreamed ,as you have, about this night for years and let me tell you we are going to need all the room we can get, if it turns out to be anything like with a Kangaroo
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, March 11, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A little town attracted the attention of sociologists at the state university because of its high birth rate. A team of researchers writes a grant proposal, gets a chunk of money, hires additional staff members and moves to the town. While the staff is busy getting ready for the big research effort, the project director goes to the local coffee shop for a cup of coffee. While he is drinking his coffee, he starts talking with the proprietor, and at one point in the conversation he asks the local man if he has any idea why the birth rate is so high. "Sure," says the coffee shop owner. "Every morning the 6:00 train comes through here and blows its whistle for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up." So," Jane asked the detective she had hired, "did you trail my husband?" "Yes ma'am. I did. I followed him to a bar, to an out-of-the-way restaurant and then to an apartment." A big smile crossed Jane's face,"Aha!! Then I've got him!" she said, gloating. " Is there any doubt what he was doing?" "No ma'am." replied the sleuth, "It's pretty clear, that he was following you and taking pictures for his web site." 
"Women don't need conventional tools around the house, we'll use anything that's handy. But when pounding a nail, don't use a shoe - shoes cost $40 a pair. A package of frozen hamburgers costs $2. Use the hamburger." -Jeannie A six year old boy told his father that he and little Mary next door were going to get married. His dad asked where they would live, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and they would live in the tree house his father had built. Dad asked where will you get money to buy food, he replied that they talked it over and decided that if they pooled their allowances they would have money for food. Dad asked what are you going to do if you have children, he replied that he and Mary had talked it over and agreed that if she laid any eggs, he would step on them. When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive young woman smiled demurely, shook her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband always limits me to one drink when we party." Curious as to why her husband should place such a stringent limitation on her at a party, he asked, "Why is that?" She replied, with a slightly strained smile ... "Because after just one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ... anyone can!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, March 10, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The scene is a psychiatrists office. A patient is saying, "Doc you gotta help me. Im 38 years old and I still wet my bed." The psychiatrist said, "My good man, that is merely an acting out of a retarded ego development and a rejection of adult responsibilities. We can stop you from wetting your bed in two ways. The first is psychoanalysis; five visits a week, fifty dollars a visit." The guy says, "Whats the second way?" The doctor replies, "Rubber shorts, $2.00 a pair." On the night of their wedding, a young couple finally retired to their hotel room. After making her preparations, the bride came out of the bathroom to find the bridegroom on his knees in front of the bed. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm praying for guidance," answered the young man. "I'll take care of that," she replied. "You pray for endurance." 
There was a woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time and was on her honeymoon. She told the new groom that he had to be very gentle with her since she was a virgin. "What do you mean?" said the groom. "Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was talk about sex. My second husband was a gynecologist, so all he wanted to do was examine me. My third husband was a stamp collector -- boy, do I miss him." An elderly man entered a car agency with his young wife. The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself. He couldn't help but stare at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed. "May I propose a wager," said the elderly man. "If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the way I do, I will pay you double for the car. But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!" "Okay, agreed!" said the agency owner. The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss, then the agency owner did the same. Then the elderly man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half. "What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner. A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh me that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary." She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, March 8, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Every morning Custer rode thru the Indian Reservation on his horse accompanied by his faithful Indian scout. And every morning as he rode past the Indian chief he was greeted with the gesture of first a finger raised vertically - then the finger thrust horizontally. Eventually Custer said to his scout "I think I know what the chief means by the vertical finger, but what's the significance of the horizontal one?". The scout replied "He doesn't like your horse either!" She left him on the sofa when the phone rang, and was back in a few seconds. "Who was it?" he asked. "My husband," she replied. "I better get going," he said. "Where was he?" "Relax. He's downtown playing poker with you." 
When the surgeon came to see Rita on the day after her operation, she asked him somewhat hesitantly just how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "Uh, I hadn't really thought about it" replied the stunned surgeon. "You're the first one ever to ask that after a nose job." Q. What does it mean when a hillbilly girl drools out of both sides of her mouth? A. The trailer is level! From D The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast Table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff." "Now why would you want me to do something like that?" She asked. "I figure that you would eventually remarry, And I don't want some a$$hole using my stuff..." She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another a$$hole?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, March 7, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am." She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian." Little Johnny was in trouble again. He was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and all though the crime seemed highly improbable, the state's evidence was overwhelming. As a last desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed the boy's tiny penis for all to see. "Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?" Growing more agitated she went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman." "WATCH IT, ma'am," hissed Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!" 
Easy arrest
A man visits his doctor and tells him that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doctor tells the man to send his wife in so that he can talk to her. The wife comes in to the doctor's office, and the doctor asks her what is wrong -- why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband? The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months, every morning I take a cab to work. I don't have any money. The cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' So I take an 'or what.' When I get to work, I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' So I take an 'or what.' Back home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money, so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' So again I take an 'or what.' So you see, doc, when I get home I'm all tired out, I don't want it anymore." The doctor says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?" These two guys are drinking really late one night in a bar when one of them looks at the other and says, "I have to get home, my wife is going to kill me." The other guy says, "What, are you kidding me, my wife lets me do whatever I want." The first guy says, "I know, I know", all embarrassed that his wife controls him. He continues," I try to sneak past her everytime to. I drive really slow down my street and turn the headlights off 100 yards short of my driveway, 50 feet short I turn off the key so that I can coast in, I shut the car door easily, open the front door to the house quietly, take off my boots so I can go up the stairs in my socks, sneak through the bedroom door, and as soon as I hit the bed she is up screaming at me." The second guy laughs and replies, "There is your problem, let me tell you what I do. I drive 90 MPH down my street and lock it up sideways into my driveway, bump into the garage door, slam the car door shut, slam the front door, stomp up the stairs, swing the bedroom door open, jump up on the bed, smack my wife on the butt and say 'hey sweetie, how about a blowjob?' " The second guy pauses for a second and replies," She's sound asleep every time." A hacker went up to a club pro and challenged him to 18 holes of golf for $100. There was one catch, though -- the hacker gets two Gotcha's. The club pro, with his attitude, said, "No problem. Whatever the heck Gotcha's are, I'll still kick your behind all over the course. After the round, the two walked into the clubhouse. Others were stunned to see the club pro pay the hacker $100. They asked the pro how it happened. He remarked, "Well, when I was teeing off on the first hole, right in the middle of my backswing, he reached between my legs, grabbed my balls and yelled, 'Gotcha!' And you have no idea what it is like playing 18 holes waiting for the second Gotcha."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, March 6, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Just think, if it weren't for women to tell them different, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all. All of Broomtown was a buzz because boy-broom and girl-broom were going to get married. Everyone felt certain that the bride-broom and the groom-broom would make a lovely couple. The night before the wedding, however, bride-broom told groom-broom that she was going to have a little wisk-broom. "But, how can that be?" wailed groom-broom, "We haven't even swept together yet!" 
A noted sex therapist realized that people often lied about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone has had sex. To prove his theory, he filled an auditorium with people, and went down the line, asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately until he came to the last man in line, an elderly gentleman, who was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed. But the therapist was surprised when the man says no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer is no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." The man finally said yes when the doctor got to "once a year." The therapist is angry that his theory isn't working, and asks the elderly gentleman, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The gent answered, "Tonight's the night!" Two hillbillies drove to a gas station in a remote district for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the patrons of the station, to anybody who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the man asked the attendant about the contest. The attendant said, "If you win, you're entitled to free SEX," and the man asked how can he enter the contest. The attendant explained "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess it right you win free SEX." So the hillbilly filled up and asked to play the contest and said " I Guess 7" "Sorry I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. The next week, the two returned to the same gas station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, one hillbilly asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex. "2" said the hillbilly. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. Come back soon and try again. As the two hillbillies were walking back to the car, one hillbilly said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other hillbilly, "My wife won twice last week." Wife...lets go out and have fun tonight. Husband.....Okay! If you get home before I do, please leave the hall light on.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, March 5, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy. From Ross After my divorce, I turned to computer dating services, which provided me with names and phone numbers of women whose profiles seemed a good match for me. Nervously, I picked up the phone and called the first woman on my list. To my great relief, she was quite pleasant, and I actually mustered up the courage to ask her out. "I'm sorry," she replied firmly. "I just can't do that." I was stunned. "Do you mind my asking why not?" I asked. "Because," she said, "I'm your wife's divorce attorney, and you'd probably kill me." 
A story of a woman who just turned 47 years old: When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a boyfriend. When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate guy, but he was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, he was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy with stability. When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring. He was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy with some excitement. When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep up with him. He rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. He did mad, impetuous things and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as often as happy. He was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a guy with some ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious guy with his feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and ran off with my best friend. I am now 47 And am looking for a guy with a big dick. The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him." she said "And he's right too. I have no desire at all." The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks. After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now." "That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does you husband say now?" "How should I know ?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet." A father and his son go into the grocery store and see the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that three-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have two for Friday night and one for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "Well what's the six-pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have two for Friday night, two for Saturday night, and two for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March..."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, March 4, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There once was a conservative college in the east coast that had a standing rule, the heat was to be turned off in the dormitories when the school went on summer daylight savings time. Unfortunately, this year, winter decided to stick around a bit longer. Students in both the men's and women's dormitories complained about the bitter cold, but were told that nothing could be done. After days of no heat and no respite in immediate sight, the ladies realized that their dorm faced the equally cold men's dorm. They turned a bed sheet into a banner with the message, "TURN ON THE HEAT OR WE'LL TURN ON THE BOYS!" The thermostat was turned up rather hastily. The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years. "Mr Cohen, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker. "Don't bother," replies Mr Cohen, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs." "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." "I said 'two sisters'. I didn't say they were MY sisters!" 
A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and he charged them $32.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She has a gossipy sister on an extended visit in her apartment, so we can't go to there. I have too many noisy grandkids running around my place and so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $160.00. The Hilton charges $148.00. We do it here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office." An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of being happily married, the man had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life, he would have to stop having sex with his wife. The man and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!" You must use an Italian accent for this joke to work: One Day Ima go to Detroit to a Bigga Otel, I go down to eata breakfast, I tella waitress, I wanna two pisses of toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanta two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say to her you no understand, I wanna two piss on my plate. She say you better not piss on the plate you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she calla me a sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eats lunch at drake restaurant. The waitress bringa me a spoon anda knife but no fock. I tella her, I wanna fock. She tella me everybody wanna fock. I tella her you no understand, I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna Ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna Otel, and there's no sheet on my bed. I calla the manager anna tella him I wanna sheet. He tells me to go to the toilet. So I say, you no understand, I wanna sheet on my bed. He say you better not sheet on the bed you sonna ma bitch. I go to check out anda the man at the desk say. Peace to you, I say Piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch. I go back to Italy.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, March 3, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A woman's garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes won't ripen. There's a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and she's getting tired of it. So she goes to her neighbor and says, "Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?" Her neighbor replies, "Well, it may sound absurd but here's what to do. Tonight, there's no moon. After dark, go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they'll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning, they'll all be red, you'll see." Well, what the heck? She does it. The next day, her neighbor asks how it worked. "So-so," she answers. "The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer." A Yuppette from Columbia Maryland was driving her classic Jag cross-country last summer. The trip was a hot and dusty one in this one section of the country and she spotted a small pond in a little glade not far off the road. She decided to stop for a swim. She slipped out of her clothes and plunged into the cool water. After about 10 minutes or so, she became aware of someone watching her from behind the bushes. Her clothes were at the other end of the pond, but there was an old washtub in the sand near her. She picked it up, held it in front of her and marched over to the bushes, where she spotted not one but three farm-boy types staring. She was furious, and snapped as forceful as she could, "Don't you idiots have anything at all better to do? Do you know what I think...???" "Yes ma'am," drawled the tallest of the three, "You think that there old washing tub has a bottom in it." 
I am woman, hear me roar [ ...if you don't open my door.] I can do anything that a man can do [ ...but I don't want to!} Oh The female sex has a lot more class [ ...except when we're looking at a male stripper's ass!] I am a 21st century woman [ ...but I can't set my VCR.] Well I'm not your hooker [ ...but you're still going to have to pay me.] cause sex is a very special thing [ ...and a darn good weapon.] because my body belongs to me [ ...until I get dinner and a movie.] And I don't sleep around [ ...until I do a credit check.] I have a mind of my own [ ...which I change every 2 seconds.] 'And I'm not too proud to ask for directions [ ...cause I can't read a map.] And I stand behind my man [ ...so I can nag him as much as I can!] and I can fight in combat [ ...but I can't kill a spider.] Now I never tell a lie [ ...but I will fake an orgasm.] I am the real McCoy [ ...except for my boobs and my face.} I still get all hot and sweaty for [ ...the opening of a new shoe store.] And I am very proud of my age [ ...which is none of your %@&%# business!] Liana was a beautiful girl. As she was walking through the woods on a hot summers day, the heat became too much for her and she decided to go for a swim. She took off all her clothes, piled them neatly on the side of the riverbank and dove in. A couple of young boys came along and decided to steal her clothes. Having gotten out of the water and discovered her clothes had been stolen, Liana decided to go to the roadside and hitch a ride home. Along came Steve, riding a bicycle. He stopped for Liana. "Come," he said, "I'll ride you into town." She jumped on his bicycle and rode in front of him. Steve said nothing, but after ten minutes Liana was so overwhelmed at how calm he was that she said, "Tell me, haven't you noticed that I'm completely naked?" "Sure," said Steve. "Haven't you noticed that we are riding on a girls bike?" Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, a dynamic young preacher raised himself to his full height, leaned over the pulpit, and boomed, "Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who have committed adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof of your mouf."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, March 2, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone a complete eye examination. Please wait a moment while I ask the receptionist to reschedule the rest of the afternoon appointments." A tall man, over 6 feet 8 inches tall was at a function where a young woman was very much taken with him and trying hard to flirt with him. She kept making eyes at him and smiling and then she suddenly said to him. "Tell me are you in proportion all over!" to which he replied, "No unfortunately not, if I was I would be 9 feet 10." 
A group of couples went on a fishing trip. By midweek the ladies had noticed that Mildred was getting the most fish. So the girls ask her how she did it. she replied, "When I wake up in the morning I look at my husband's 'Peter'. And if it is lying to the left I fish on the left side of the boat. If it hangs to the right I fish on the right side of the boat." One girl asks," But what if it is standing straight up? Then what do you do?" Mildred replies," Then we DON'T GO FISHING." Newton's additional laws: Whenever a pole enters a hole, there comes out a soul, which has either a pole or a hole. The angle of a dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meet, provided that the mass of the ass remains constant. There was this couple trying to save some money for new clothes. The husband came up with an idea of just how to. The idea was to put a $1 bill in a jar everytime they had sex and they both agreed to it. So after about 8 months it was time to open jar and to husbands surprise there were 20, 50 and even 100 dollar bills coming out of the Savings jar. The Husband started questioning of what happened here and the wife spills: "Well, not everybody is as cheap as you."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, March 1, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I hate sex in the movies. I like having a smoke afterward, without having to go outside. At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!" 
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish." A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston." Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland." He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami." The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?" He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach." A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her fat ass in it."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, February 28, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Either way, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer. An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!" 
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." From Deb A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!" My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself And because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 27, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps -- if the Pope gets stuck -- he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind... my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean ?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!?" he asked. "Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going ?" she asked, to which he replied : "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy! Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?' "Jes' some chickens." If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, I don't really like chickn. If ya guesses right, I' give you both of 'em!" "Okay......Ummmmmmm ....Three?" An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here muh house is on fahr!" "Okay," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?" Ida Mae was dying and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I hitch her to the snow blower and drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 26, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?' Bob was trying to avoid the draft, so he went down to the Draft Board wearing lipstick. "Do you always wear lipstick?" asked the Sargeant. Bob, feeling confident this will keep him from being drafted, replies, "Oh yes ALWAYS." The Sergeant smiles and says, "Okay good. We'll send you to Alaska. You won't get chapped lips." 
Russian Cell Phones beat the silly airport scanners!
A husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband and wife were furiously making love upstairs when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house. The husband said jokingly, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home." And the wife replies, "Nah. He's in the Navy... Oh, @#$%! ." Chad was admitted to the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:30AM, they brought him some soup for lunch, which he flatly refused. At 2:00PM, they again attempted to serve him some soup, which he refused. Again, at 4:30PM and 7:00PM, they tried to serve him some soup and he turned it down both times, so they gave up. In preparation for the following day's tests, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and administered an enema each time. When Chad returned home from the hospital after all the tests had been done, he said to his wife, "Honey, whatever you do, if you ever have to go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're sleeping and shove it up your butt!" The gynecologist stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry," he reported, "but I'm going to have to remove that vibrator surgically if you're going to be able to have sexual intercourse again." "Forget it. It's not worth it," retorted the woman on the examination table. Then she thought for a moment. "Tell you what - just replace the batteries."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 25, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them ... 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID F@*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF DAMN GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. AND THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS F@*$!#@! HOUSE! I'm sorry...what did you ask me? A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin." 
Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going on here, who did this to you?" His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one Doug, Whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!" A woman is very distressed because she has not been married for very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So she goes to see her doctor, and tells him the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuts on her husbands cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car. There once were this wife and her husband playing golf. They both hit their balls at the same time. Their balls went off in different directions. When the wife found her ball, it was right in the middle of the buttercups. She hit the ball and destroyed the beautiful flowers. So, Mother Nature came down and said, "Since you have destroyed my buttercups, you will hate the taste of butter for the rest of your life." She was devastated. Then she called over to her husband, "Where did your ball land?" And he said, "In a pile of pussywillows!" As he was about to hit it she shouted, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! PLEASE DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, February 24, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Did you hear about the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same postman ? A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the husband headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there wearing nothing more than a condom. The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what are you doing?" The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control, started with a bullshit story. "Son, I'm trying to catch a mouse." The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when ya catch it ... screw it?" 
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working Norwegian woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said,"it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?" Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 23, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?" Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today, they won't notice." A guy walked into a bar. "C-c-can I h-have a b-beer?" he asked. The bartender said, "I used to stutter." "Yeah, s-s-s-so wa-wa-what did you d-d-d-do?" "I got my wife to give me a blow job and I was instantly cured," said the bartender. So the guy got up pays the tab and left The next day the guy went back into the bar and ordered another beer. "Can I get a beer?" he asked. "You took my advice?" said the bartender. "Yeah, tell your wife she keeps a really neat and clean house," the man said. 
Young William came home for lunch from kindergarten . Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he headed upstairs to check the bedroom. He opened the door, and here was his father, who had also come home unexpectedly for lunch; stripped naked, on top of his mother, who was also in her birthday suit. They were both heavily into the act of lovemaking. His father noticed young William standing in the doorway and not wanting to traumatize the boy, continued fucking as if nothing was wrong. William watched a while, and after a couple of minutes asked, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" Somewhat startled by this request, but without breaking stroke, his father answered, "of course, son, we're a family." William swung himself "into the saddle" and added that little extra weight to his daddy's energetic thrusting. As a result, it took only a few more moments and his mother started bucking and moaning - thrashing and writhing wildly. "Golly daddy, hang on tight!" cried young William, "this is where me and Uncle Freddy usually get bucked off!" Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning. One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder. With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy. Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way. Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!" Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you!" So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big, hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria." said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take care of you!" So up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" Her mother replied, "Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony' got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," said the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 22, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but we weren't expecting you, and your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!" A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention." 
Redneck yacht
A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt, pointed to his nipples and said, "I've got two of these, how about you?" The little girl opened her blouse and looked and said, "Yup!" The boy pointed to his belly button and said, "One of these?" The little girl looked down and said, "Uh-huh!" The boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis and said, "What about this?" The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might, she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her until she ran home to her mother. She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face and said, "My mommy told me that when I am fifteen, I'll have as many of those as I want!" Rosy posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." Nina asked, "Why?" Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Nina said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!" Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lives, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, so the Laird asked, "Did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?" The Foreman said, "Aye, Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." "Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?" The Foreman explained, "I was wearing 'em the fust day, Sir, and a bonnie wench offered to buy me a whisky, but I didna hear her! Never, again - never, never again!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, February 21, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A pretty young lady brought an under-weight baby to be examined by the doctor. "Hmm,"said the doctor, after looking at the baby, "Very undernourished I'm afraid. Excuse me , madam..." He undid the lady's blouse and examined her breasts with care. "Just as I thought!" he announced. "You're not producing any milk!" "I should hope not, doc!" she beamed."I am his maiden aunt." The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs.Green,"he announced."You are definitely pregnant again." "This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs.Green grimly. "You'll have to help me- enough is enough,I want one of those hearing aids!" "A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor, "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?" "I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see, it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When we get into bed he says: "Now then-are we going to sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say:'What'? 
A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her. "Are you alright?" he asks her. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks. "Oh No!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down!" At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the Word "service" . . . the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. Bingo!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us! Groan Alert: A Young Lady once begat Triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding For there was no tit for Tat
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 20, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Alan told his friend Don. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, these are the '2K's, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Alan went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that six times already - it never worked." Jeff and Jeannie decided to "go steady". Several weeks later he was quite pleasantly surprised to find she was very adept at sex. "Have you done this before?" he inquired. "Yes, but just once." Jeannie replied. "Oh? With who?" Richard asked. "The Varsity Football Team." she said. 
Times are tough in the East!
From Liz: For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen years and four kids, I hardly need directions." This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day complaining about the fact that her husband isn't enough for her any more and that she is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the lady blushes as he shows her the different sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'. Just say to the dildo what you want it to do and it will be done. The lady goes home, reads the instructions carefully, places the dildo on the chest of drawers, and lies on the bed naked with her legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - pussy'. The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots straight between her legs. After an unknown amount of time she tires of it and says 'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't, it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out, but Magic dildo jumps strait back in, however. She grabs it again, throws it across the room and runs out of the house screaming naked with the dildo chasing along after her. She runs around the corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering what she is doing naked on the street. So she explains to him that a magic dildo is chasing her. The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!' A young lady who had been going out with a young man for more than a year was asked by her parents what she thought his intentions were. "I'm not quite sure," she replied. "He's been keeping me pretty much in the dark."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 19, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized. "I say", said the first, "Isn't that the pope over there?" "I really don't know," came the reply. "Why don't you go and ask him?" "Good idea." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner. "Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the pope?" "Fuck off and die, dickhead!" replied the elderly man irritably. Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend. "What did he say?" he asked. "He said, 'fuck off and die, dickhead!'" "Damn. Now we'll never know if he was the pope." A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?" "Sure" she said. He's freezing his balls ice-fishing on some frozen lake." 
There was a little boy standing in the bathroom of a store. Watching an older man pee in a urinal, the little boy said, "My daddy has two of those." The man asked, "Your daddy has two penises?" The little boy replied, "Yes. He has one for peeing and a big one he chases Momma around the house with." There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?" "My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95" "Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty." "Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll." "Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had." "Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her." Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."" The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 18, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". "Damn", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania". A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool. The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates." 
Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. "What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy. "I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny. "Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy. "Now tell me, what's mommy like?" "Auntie Bess said that mom likes cold Bourbon and men with hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny. A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!" The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell, and on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..." "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on da girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with verve and skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me... Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now, and believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." To Rosie's delight, he was more vigorous and passionate the second time around. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand is why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much, but the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there in my coat is five hundred dollars."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 16, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, 'will you marry me?' ; When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, ,just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many time s do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!" One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I slept through most of it and I didn't feel a thing." 
Sexy Senior Police Officer With Guide Human
Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you...it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks." A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 15, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Rrroast and rrrice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels." A man and his son were walking down the street one day. They saw two dogs having sex in a yard. The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they are making puppies." Every thing was okay for a couple of days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when the son walked in. The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother." The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, daddy, I'd rather have a puppy!" 
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well, and soon Bert suggested that they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. It wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love, though, Since Flo had her legs up, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out." Flo looked at him and smiled. "That happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose." Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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