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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, March 2, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Jones," he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone a complete eye examination. Please wait a moment while I ask the receptionist to reschedule the rest of the afternoon appointments." A tall man, over 6 feet 8 inches tall was at a function where a young woman was very much taken with him and trying hard to flirt with him. She kept making eyes at him and smiling and then she suddenly said to him. "Tell me are you in proportion all over!" to which he replied, "No unfortunately not, if I was I would be 9 feet 10." 
A group of couples went on a fishing trip. By midweek the ladies had noticed that Mildred was getting the most fish. So the girls ask her how she did it. she replied, "When I wake up in the morning I look at my husband's 'Peter'. And if it is lying to the left I fish on the left side of the boat. If it hangs to the right I fish on the right side of the boat." One girl asks," But what if it is standing straight up? Then what do you do?" Mildred replies," Then we DON'T GO FISHING." Newton's additional laws: Whenever a pole enters a hole, there comes out a soul, which has either a pole or a hole. The angle of a dangle is directly proportional to the heat of the meet, provided that the mass of the ass remains constant. There was this couple trying to save some money for new clothes. The husband came up with an idea of just how to. The idea was to put a $1 bill in a jar everytime they had sex and they both agreed to it. So after about 8 months it was time to open jar and to husbands surprise there were 20, 50 and even 100 dollar bills coming out of the Savings jar. The Husband started questioning of what happened here and the wife spills: "Well, not everybody is as cheap as you."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, March 1, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I hate sex in the movies. I like having a smoke afterward, without having to go outside. At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband. It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together. At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!" 
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. "Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don't you let me take you home?" "Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won't have any of that carrying on in this bar." The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don't understand, I'm Pastor Fuzz." The bartender nodded. "Well if you're that far you may as well finish." A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston." Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland." He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami." The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?" He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach." A train hits a bus load of school girls and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter. St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question,"Karina have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, " Well once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Susan! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her fat ass in it."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, February 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Either way, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer. An elderly spinster called the lawyer's office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared. The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office. The woman replied, "You must understand, I've lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I don't like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?" The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinster's home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will. The lawyer's first question was, "Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how you'd like them to be distributed under your will?" She replied, "Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank." "Tell me," the lawyer asked, "how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?" The spinster said, "Well, as I've told you, I've lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so I'd like them to notice when I pass on. I'd like to provide $35,000 for my funeral." The lawyer remarked, "Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me," he continued, "what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?" The spinster replied, "As you know, I've never married, I've lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact I've never slept with a man. Before I die, I'd like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me." "This is a very unusual request," the lawyer said, adding, "but I'll see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you." That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request. After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000, and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, "I'll drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until you're finished." The next morning, she drove him to the spinster's house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didn't come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, "Pick me up tomorrow! She's going to let the County bury her!" 
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." From Deb A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer. "It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy. "Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!" My cousin owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself And because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English--neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded. To this day says that he's never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 27, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person. Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps -- if the Pope gets stuck -- he'll ask me for assistance. Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'u-n-t'?" Only one word leapt to mind... my goodness, thought the gentleman, I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another. The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?" A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69. "What do you mean ?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs" Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!?" he asked. "Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going ?" she asked, to which he replied : "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy! Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th' bag?' "Jes' some chickens." If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?" "Shoot, I don't really like chickn. If ya guesses right, I' give you both of 'em!" "Okay......Ummmmmmm ....Three?" An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here muh house is on fahr!" "Okay," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?" "Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?" Ida Mae was dying and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause, Bubba said, "How 'bout I hitch her to the snow blower and drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 26, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?' 'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun. 'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?' Bob was trying to avoid the draft, so he went down to the Draft Board wearing lipstick. "Do you always wear lipstick?" asked the Sargeant. Bob, feeling confident this will keep him from being drafted, replies, "Oh yes ALWAYS." The Sergeant smiles and says, "Okay good. We'll send you to Alaska. You won't get chapped lips." 
Russian Cell Phones beat the silly airport scanners!
A husband had just gotten home from a six-month tour of duty. The husband and wife were furiously making love upstairs when, all of a sudden, the wind slammed a door shut somewhere else in the house. The husband said jokingly, "Oh no! That must be your husband coming home." And the wife replies, "Nah. He's in the Navy... Oh, @#$%! ." Chad was admitted to the hospital for a complete check-up. At 11:30AM, they brought him some soup for lunch, which he flatly refused. At 2:00PM, they again attempted to serve him some soup, which he refused. Again, at 4:30PM and 7:00PM, they tried to serve him some soup and he turned it down both times, so they gave up. In preparation for the following day's tests, they entered his room at 3:00AM, 4:30AM, and 6:00AM and administered an enema each time. When Chad returned home from the hospital after all the tests had been done, he said to his wife, "Honey, whatever you do, if you ever have to go to that hospital and they try to serve you soup, take it! If you refuse it, they sneak in while you're sleeping and shove it up your butt!" The gynecologist stuck up his head after completing his examination. "I'm sorry," he reported, "but I'm going to have to remove that vibrator surgically if you're going to be able to have sexual intercourse again." "Forget it. It's not worth it," retorted the woman on the examination table. Then she thought for a moment. "Tell you what - just replace the batteries."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 25, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them ... 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID F@*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF DAMN GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. AND THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS F@*$!#@! HOUSE! I'm sorry...what did you ask me? A commercial traveller was passing through a small town when he came upon a huge funeral procession. "Who died?" he asked a nearby local. "I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think it's the one in the coffin." 
Doug came home unexpectedly early from work only to find his wife lying in bed naked with large hickies all over her neck and big red bruises and red welts all over her breasts. She had obviously been ravaged in sexual passion. Doug then noticed a burning cigar on the nightstand next to the bed. He screamed at his wife, "What is going on here, who did this to you?" His wife calmly and innocently said, "No one Doug, Whenever I try to smoke a cigar, I break out in a rash!" A woman is very distressed because she has not been married for very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex. So she goes to see her doctor, and tells him the problem. The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuts on her husbands cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report. A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies "Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?" The woman replied, "He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car. There once were this wife and her husband playing golf. They both hit their balls at the same time. Their balls went off in different directions. When the wife found her ball, it was right in the middle of the buttercups. She hit the ball and destroyed the beautiful flowers. So, Mother Nature came down and said, "Since you have destroyed my buttercups, you will hate the taste of butter for the rest of your life." She was devastated. Then she called over to her husband, "Where did your ball land?" And he said, "In a pile of pussywillows!" As he was about to hit it she shouted, "DON'T HIT THE BALL! PLEASE DON'T HIT THE BALL!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, February 24, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Did you hear about the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New York to California and discovered that he still had the same postman ? A husband and wife were screwing up a storm. Afterward, the husband headed to the bathroom to clean up. He was halfway down the hall when his 6-year-old son also stepped into the hallway and was shocked to see his old man standing there wearing nothing more than a condom. The boy pointed at his father's penis and asked, "Dad, what are you doing?" The father, not wanting to explain sex or birth control, started with a bullshit story. "Son, I'm trying to catch a mouse." The boy, still in shock, asked, "What are ya gonna do when ya catch it ... screw it?" 
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" The driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" It was a very hot, steamy July day in Minnesota. Helga, a hard working Norwegian woman, had just hung the wash out to dry, put a roast in the oven, then went down the street to pick up some dry cleaning. "Gootness, it's hot," she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street. She passed by a tavern. As the cool air rushed out through the open doorway, Helga thought, "Vy nodt?" So she walked in and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came up and asked her what she would like to drink. "Ya know," Helga said,"it is so hot, I tink I'll have myself zee cold beer." The bartender asked, "Anheuser Busch?" Helga blushed and replied "Vell fine, tanks, und how's yer pecker?" Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..." Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 23, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Joe and Joan were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee listening to the weather report on the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Joe said, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. The next day they were sitting down with their morning cups of coffee. The weather forecast was, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Again Joe replied, "Jeez, okay," and got up from his coffee. Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast said, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and the power went out and Joe didn't get the rest of the instructions. He turned to Joan, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Joan?" Joan replied, "Aw, Joe, just leave the car in the darned garage today, they won't notice." A guy walked into a bar. "C-c-can I h-have a b-beer?" he asked. The bartender said, "I used to stutter." "Yeah, s-s-s-so wa-wa-what did you d-d-d-do?" "I got my wife to give me a blow job and I was instantly cured," said the bartender. So the guy got up pays the tab and left The next day the guy went back into the bar and ordered another beer. "Can I get a beer?" he asked. "You took my advice?" said the bartender. "Yeah, tell your wife she keeps a really neat and clean house," the man said. 
Young William came home for lunch from kindergarten . Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he headed upstairs to check the bedroom. He opened the door, and here was his father, who had also come home unexpectedly for lunch; stripped naked, on top of his mother, who was also in her birthday suit. They were both heavily into the act of lovemaking. His father noticed young William standing in the doorway and not wanting to traumatize the boy, continued fucking as if nothing was wrong. William watched a while, and after a couple of minutes asked, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" Somewhat startled by this request, but without breaking stroke, his father answered, "of course, son, we're a family." William swung himself "into the saddle" and added that little extra weight to his daddy's energetic thrusting. As a result, it took only a few more moments and his mother started bucking and moaning - thrashing and writhing wildly. "Golly daddy, hang on tight!" cried young William, "this is where me and Uncle Freddy usually get bucked off!" Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning. One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder. With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy. Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation. After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry way. Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home, calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!" Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you!" So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big, hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria." said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take care of you!" So up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his pants, exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!" Her mother replied, "Don't worry, Maria. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you." So up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony' got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," said the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 3.1 / 16 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 22, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together. "Oh, this is terrible," exclaimed St. Peter. "I know you guys think we summoned you here, but we weren't expecting you, and your quarters just aren't ready. We can't take you in just yet and we can't send you back." Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. "Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They're ours, but we weren't expecting them, and we gotta fix a place up for 'em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It'll only be a couple of days. I'll owe you one." Reluctantly, the Devil agreed. Two days later, St. Peter's phone rang. "Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!" A representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention. While rushing through the airport, she dropped her briefcase, scattering condoms across the floor. She noticed passersby looking at her as she tried to get the condoms back into her briefcase. "It's okay," she said. "I'm going to a convention." 
Redneck yacht
A little boy and girl were playing doctor. The little boy boldly pulled off his shirt, pointed to his nipples and said, "I've got two of these, how about you?" The little girl opened her blouse and looked and said, "Yup!" The boy pointed to his belly button and said, "One of these?" The little girl looked down and said, "Uh-huh!" The boy dropped his drawers and pointed to his penis and said, "What about this?" The little girl raised her skirt and pulled her underwear to the side, but search as she might, she couldn't find that particular organ. The little boy taunted her until she ran home to her mother. She returned 15 minutes later with a big grin on her face and said, "My mommy told me that when I am fifteen, I'll have as many of those as I want!" Rosy posing thoughtfully in the mirror says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietician." Nina asked, "Why?" Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm!" Thinking a minute, Nina said, "I really have no clue, but if you are consuming that much of it, no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!" Winters are fierce in the north of Scotland where the Laird lives, so as owner of the estate he felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his outdoors foreman. However, after a week or so he noticed that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, so the Laird asked, "Did ye not like the ear-muffs I gave ye?" The Foreman said, "Aye, Sir, they're a thing of both utility and beauty." "Why do ye not wear 'em then, Mon?" The Foreman explained, "I was wearing 'em the fust day, Sir, and a bonnie wench offered to buy me a whisky, but I didna hear her! Never, again - never, never again!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 3 / 18 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, February 21, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A pretty young lady brought an under-weight baby to be examined by the doctor. "Hmm,"said the doctor, after looking at the baby, "Very undernourished I'm afraid. Excuse me , madam..." He undid the lady's blouse and examined her breasts with care. "Just as I thought!" he announced. "You're not producing any milk!" "I should hope not, doc!" she beamed."I am his maiden aunt." The doctor gazed at the harassed, stout lady who sat on the other side of his desk. "I was right, Mrs.Green,"he announced."You are definitely pregnant again." "This will be the fifteenth, doc," said Mrs.Green grimly. "You'll have to help me- enough is enough,I want one of those hearing aids!" "A hearing aid?" frowned the doctor, "Surely you mean a contraceptive device?" "I mean a hearing aid, doctor. You see, it's like this. Every Saturday night my husband comes in drunk. When we get into bed he says: "Now then-are we going to sleep, or what?" And every blasted time I say:'What'? 
A woman is crossing the road when she gets run over. She is lying on the ground as the driver rushes out of the car to her. "Are you alright?" he asks her. "Everything is just a blur, I can't see anything" she says. Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her eyesight. "How many fingers have I got up?" he asks. "Oh No!" she replies, "Don't tell me I'm paralysed from the waist down!" At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the Word "service" . . . the act of doing things for other people. Then I heard the terms Internal Revenue Service, Postal Service, Civil Service, Service Stations . . And I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant. Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull service a few of his cows. Bingo!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us! Groan Alert: A Young Lady once begat Triplets named Nat, Pat and Tat It was fun in the breeding But hell in the feeding For there was no tit for Tat
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 3 / 20 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 20, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Alan told his friend Don. "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?" Don suggested. "But what if my wife finds out?" "Heck, these are the '2K's, Alan. Go ahead and tell her about it!" So Alan went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together." "Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that six times already - it never worked." Jeff and Jeannie decided to "go steady". Several weeks later he was quite pleasantly surprised to find she was very adept at sex. "Have you done this before?" he inquired. "Yes, but just once." Jeannie replied. "Oh? With who?" Richard asked. "The Varsity Football Team." she said. 
Times are tough in the East!
From Liz: For my fourth Caesarian section I opted for a bikini incision, which, along with the previous scars, would form an arrow on my tummy. "Honey," my husband joked when I told him, "after thirteen years and four kids, I hardly need directions." This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day complaining about the fact that her husband isn't enough for her any more and that she is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the lady blushes as he shows her the different sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'. Just say to the dildo what you want it to do and it will be done. The lady goes home, reads the instructions carefully, places the dildo on the chest of drawers, and lies on the bed naked with her legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - pussy'. The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots straight between her legs. After an unknown amount of time she tires of it and says 'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't, it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out, but Magic dildo jumps strait back in, however. She grabs it again, throws it across the room and runs out of the house screaming naked with the dildo chasing along after her. She runs around the corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering what she is doing naked on the street. So she explains to him that a magic dildo is chasing her. The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!' A young lady who had been going out with a young man for more than a year was asked by her parents what she thought his intentions were. "I'm not quite sure," she replied. "He's been keeping me pretty much in the dark."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 2.9 / 22 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 19, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club when they spotted an elderly man in the corner one of them vaguely recognized. "I say", said the first, "Isn't that the pope over there?" "I really don't know," came the reply. "Why don't you go and ask him?" "Good idea." So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the corner. "Excuse me, sir", he asked, "but are you the pope?" "Fuck off and die, dickhead!" replied the elderly man irritably. Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend. "What did he say?" he asked. "He said, 'fuck off and die, dickhead!'" "Damn. Now we'll never know if he was the pope." A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman, "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?" "Sure" she said. He's freezing his balls ice-fishing on some frozen lake." 
There was a little boy standing in the bathroom of a store. Watching an older man pee in a urinal, the little boy said, "My daddy has two of those." The man asked, "Your daddy has two penises?" The little boy replied, "Yes. He has one for peeing and a big one he chases Momma around the house with." There was a middle aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teenaged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time." Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?" "My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95" "Oh that's great!.. She's so pretty." "Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll." "Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had." "Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her." Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?' "Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000."" The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 18, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". "Damn", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania". A sergeant and two men from his platoon went to a tavern near the base one night. The sergeant asked an attractive army nurse to join him in a game of pool. The nurse said, "I would rather play with your privates." 
Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. "What's the matter fella?" asked a stock boy. "I've lost my mommy!" wailed Little Johnny. "Don't worry, we'll soon find her," soothed the stock boy. "Now tell me, what's mommy like?" "Auntie Bess said that mom likes cold Bourbon and men with hard cocks," sobbed Little Johnny. A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice. "Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone" "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!" The madam of a bawdy house answered the ring of the bell, and on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb. "May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently in an aged, quavering voice. Feeling a little confused, the madam said, "But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we..." "I know what you do here," interrupted the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring on da girls." Still confused, but understanding her professional duties, the madam had several girls line up. The rabbi tottered from one to another until he reached Rose, a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation and pointed, "Good! I'll take those." The rabbi paid out the necessary sum and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the rabbi performed with verve and skill that was unbelievable. In fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm. As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards, relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, Rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing. Listen, Rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should feel in the mood, please ask for me... Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now, and believe me, I will be in the mood again." "Really, Rabbi? Then please take a nap." "Okay." The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet without moving them. Keep them absolutely motionless." "Of course, Rabbi," said Rosie, and did as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet. For five minutes the rabbi slept, then woke with a start and said, "I'm ready." To Rosie's delight, he was more vigorous and passionate the second time around. As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was wonderful, Rabbi, but one thing I don't understand is why was it necessary to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?" "Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very much, but the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there in my coat is five hundred dollars."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 16, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Honorable Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, 'will you marry me?' ; When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem." The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO." The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great! But it's still too long at 20 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again. Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, ,just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many time s do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!" One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. "You're an anaesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I slept through most of it and I didn't feel a thing." 
Sexy Senior Police Officer With Guide Human
Completing his examination of the uncommonly well-built, beautiful blonde, the doctor said solemnly, "You are a very sick young lady. I don't want you returning to work this afternoon. Go home, get undressed and get into bed. Drink about a third of this bottle of medicine I'm preparing for you...it will make you drowsy. I don't want you to answer your phone or let anybody into your apartment until you hear three short knocks." A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill," said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was screwed."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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( 3.2 / 9 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 15, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An American businessman in Glasgow walked into a restaurant and asked the waitress what the special was. "Rrroast and rrrice," the Scottish miss replied in a heavy brogue. "You certainly do roll your R's," the businessman observed. "I suppose," she giggled, beginning to blush, "but only when I wear high heels." A man and his son were walking down the street one day. They saw two dogs having sex in a yard. The son asked his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "Well, son, they are making puppies." Every thing was okay for a couple of days. Then, one afternoon, the father was making love to his wife when the son walked in. The son asked, "Daddy, what are you doing?" Thinking fast, the father said, "We're making you a baby brother." The son thought for a moment, then said, "Well, roll her over, daddy, I'd rather have a puppy!" 
Bert met Flo in a bar one night and began buying her drinks. They hit it off pretty well, and soon Bert suggested that they go to his apartment for some extracurricular activity. It wasn't long before they found themselves in bed making passionate love. As they were making love, though, Since Flo had her legs up, Bert noticed that Flo's toes would curl up as he was thrusting in and out. When they were done, Bert laid back on the bed and said, "I must have been pretty good tonight. I noticed your toes curling up when I was going in and out." Flo looked at him and smiled. "That happens when someone forgets to remove my pantyhose." Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. As she gasped and gagged, one Texan turned to the other and said, "That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm agonna go over there and help." He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" Still gasping, she shook her head no. With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her butt. The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, "Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick maneuver always works."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, February 14, 2010 Happy Valentines Day! Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
I was getting ready for a garage sale one summer day. Since it was so humid out, I decided to stay inside my air-conditioned house and mark the special stickers I had bought for the sale. Then I slapped them on my blouse, ran outside, stuck them on the appropriate items and rushed back inside. I did this until every item was labeled. Later that day a UPS man came by the house with a delivery. I noticed that as I was signing for the package, he seemed ill at ease. It was only after he left that I noticed there was one sticker still attached to the front of my blouse. It read "Make me an offer." In a large Florida City, the rabbi developed quite a reputation for his sermons; so much so that everyone in the community came every Shabbat. Unfortunately, one weekend a member had to visit Long Island for his nephew's bar mitzvah, but he didn't want to miss the rabbi's sermon. So, he decided to hire a Shabbat goy to sit in the congregation and tape the sermon so he could listen to it when he returned. Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire Shabbat goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to shul. Within a few weeks time there were 500 gentiles sitting in shul taping the rabbi. The rabbi got wise to this. The following Shabbat he, too, hired a Shabbat goy who brought a tape recorder to play his pre- recorded sermon to the 500 gentiles in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines. Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of "artificial insermonation". 
On the way upstairs to her room, Mabel said not a word to her customer. He finally said, "Are you feeling hostile tonight?" She replied, "Missionary-style, doggy-style, hos-style, whatever turns you on!" Nancy: "Why don't you ever callout my name when we're making love?" Bernie: "Because I don't want to wake you." Therapy helps, but temper tantrums are more fun.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 13, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the blazes was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips, no more wintering in town, no more summers up North, no more SUV in the garage and no more bowling club. You'll get half of my money in one shot, and the way you spend it, you'll be on welfare before Christmas. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. Mary: "So somehow we started talking about doctors and hospitals and surgeries, and I told him about my breast surgery." Jill: "And then?" Mary: "Well, naturally, he asked, "Could I just SEE 'em?" Jill: "And you told him no, I hope." Mary: "Yeah, I said, No, 'just see 'em' becomes 'just touch 'em, 'and 'just touch 'em' becomes 'just kiss 'em,' and 'just kiss 'em' becomes 'just suck 'em.' and..." Jill: "And what?" Mary: "And I asked, Wanna see 'em in the bedroom?" 
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs, as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, youcan have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Nancy Pelosi standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes, not even her face mask, and a sign around her neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you." There was a young lady named May, Took a stroll in the park by the bay. She met a young man, Who screwed her and ran. Now she goes to the park everyday. A man said to his wife: "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" "OK," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and fart."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 12, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." Student: "How long do you want this report to be?" Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper much like a lady's dress -- long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting." 
The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?" Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it. Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs." Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?" Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over" Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw. One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted over to the farmer, and bit him in the ass. Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you. Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far, but if she lays an egg, we're going to give it away."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 11, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but Cindy tripped him and Susie and I jumped on him." Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!" 
Judy decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain. The teacher took Judy to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm." "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him." While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner. "So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about Obama?" The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I should inform you that I am proud to work for the White House." "Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter. "I'll tell it slowly and explain it for you then." A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter 'T'... Examples of those days are: TUESDAY THURSDAY THANKSGIVING THATURDAY AND THUNDAY Women, howver, prefer to limit themselves to TODAY TOMORROW as long as hubby doesn't find out.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, February 10, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their minister. The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?" The minister replied, "No. It might delay the ceremony." The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of "Better Homes and Gardens." He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring. After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth. She replied " How do you do it on Earth ?" With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said " Well where is the baby?" He said " Oh that takes nine months." She replied, "Then why did you stop stirring?" 
They remind me of DearWebby's Wingnuts page.
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!" The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!" A guy and his talking dog "Rover" went to a bar. The bartender says "We don't allow dogs in here." The guy says "You don't understand, my dog talks." The bartender says "Prove it and i'll let him stay." The guy says "Ok, Rover tell the bartender you want a beer." So, Rover says "I want a beer." The bartender says "No way, you are a ventriloquist." The guy says "Ok, I'll go to the bathroom and you ask him." The bartender says "Well, what can I get ya?" Rover replys "I want a beer." The bartender can't believe it. He reaches in his wallet pulls out a ten dollar bill and tells Rover it's yours if you go to the bar across the street and say the same thing. The guy comes out of the bathroom and can't believe his dog is gone. He says "What have you done with my dog!" The bartender says "Don't worry, I sent him across the street to the other bar." Furious the guy runs out of the bar to see Rover bangin a poodle on the street corner. The guy says "Rover, Rover! What are you doing, I've never seen you do this before?" Rover says "I've never had ten bucks before!" Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "Quite an orgy," Johnny answered.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 9, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Here's a woman with no luck for names. Born Jennifer Crabb, and enduring teasing throughout school, her nearest neighbors had the last names Beaver, Butt, and Blow. Finally she attended Denison College where she slept in Beaver Dorm. Denison College, by the way, is in Licking County, Ohio. When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back." 
They remind me of DearWebby's Wingnuts page.
The reporter met the plane bringing back demobilized soldiers from Afghanistan. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?" The soldier immediately replied, "Screw my wife." The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?" "Then I'll take off these damned combat boots!" A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun, when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked -- runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat, and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again, looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And the next thing I know, I'm in this guy's mustache again!" This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, February 8, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
My 7 yr old son asked my why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time. The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason. I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, it was no big deal to me. The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son answered the door. At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on. The pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend". A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up." 
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having been told that there was a fortune to be made in horse racing, he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in the races. At the local auction, however, the going price for a horse was so steep that he ended up buying a donkey instead. The preacher decided that he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day, the racing sheets carried the following headline: PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS. The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race, and this time it won. The headlines blared: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT. The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher to not enter the donkey in any more races. The newspaper printed this headline: BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS. This was just too much for the bishop, and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a neighboring village. The next day, the headlines announced: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. As soon as he was able, he informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey, and she finally found a farmer willing to buy it for $10. The paper announced the transaction as: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS. They buried the bishop the next day. A woman goes into K-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a K-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her... being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50." A beautifully sculptured young blond was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was. "I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I even failed at that, too." The shrink thought for a moment and said, "Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try something humane, like nursing?" The girl thought about this for a moment then sat up and bared one of her large, beautiful breasts. She pointed her nipple at the doctor, and said, "Well, if you think it will work, let's give it a try. Go ahead, Doc!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, February 7, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Overheard in Sex Education Class: Teacher: "Now, Johnny, what's the most important question to ask when you want to have safe sex?" Johnny: "What time will your husband get home?" Marina: "Do you ever miss the ex?" Amy: "OH! All the time! You wouldn't believe how much!" Marina: "Wow! I didn't think you cared about him at all." Amy: "Wait a minute! Did you say 'ex' or 'sex'?" 
Albanian Tow Truck
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink." "Why is that," the host asked? Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it; after two drinks ...anyone can!" Doug went to a psychiatrist and said, "Doc, I'm really worried about my wife. Yesterday she posed for a nude picture." The psychiatrist said, "Well I wouldn't worry about that. It's probably just an expression of her interest in art. What was the nude picture for?" Doug said, "Her driver's license." Girl: "I know you really look like Napoleon Bonaparte." Boy: "Great, isn't it?" Girl: "Yes, but you differ in one aspect from him." Boy: "And that is?" Girl: "You have to put your hand in your own shirt."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 6, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
One day, farmer Bill was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil. Then, he stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem, how to carry all of his purchases home? The livestock dealer said: "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went. While walking he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked: "Can you tell me how to get to 123 Town Road?" The farmer said: "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 132 Town Road. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time" The little old lady said: "How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?" The farmer said: "Holy smokes lady, I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said: "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She,in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice... "I don't think my python weally gives a thit." 
As an elderly lady sat on her front porch reflecting on her long life,a fairy godmother suddenly appeared and offered to fulfill three wishes for her. "Well" the woman said, "I guess I'd like to be rich" POOF!The fairy godmother turned the rocking chair into solid gold. "And i would not mind being a young and beautiful princess" POOF! The fairy godmother turned the old woman into an exquisite young princess,with priceless crown of jewels. "Your third wish?"asked the fairy godmother. The elderly woman's dog raised his head and uttered a single weak, hoarse woof . "Could you turn my wonderful dog into a handsome prince ?" POOF! There in front of the old woman,who was now a beautiful princess,stood the most handsome young man anyone had ever seen. She stared at him in awe, compleatly smitten. As he came towards her, her knees weakened. He bent down, brushing his lips across her ear as he whispered, "I,ll bet you are sorry now that you had me neutered!" Bill and Lynn had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had lived together for thirty five years, Bill went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Michigan gasped with amazement. A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Bill based his demand for an annulment. "It's like this, your Honor," answered Bill, "I've just learned that Lynn's father never had a license to carry a gun." Little Johnnie's teacher is giving an English lesson, she asks the children to name a verb and then use it in a sentence. Johnnie is the first to raise his hand, waving excitedly. Knowing that Johnnie has a rather dirty mind, the teacher is hesitant to call on him, but decides to give him a chance. "Alright, Johnnie, what is your word?" she asks. "Urinate," is Johnnie's reply. The teacher is regretting her decision now, but since 'urinate' is indeed a verb she forges ahead. "Thank you, Johnnie. Now can you use your verb in a sentence for me?" Johnnie stands up and says "Urinate, and you'd be a 9 if you had bigger boobs!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Swampy Marsh, the young Australian father-to-be, is waiting anxiously outside the maternity ward where his wife is having their first baby. He is pacing the floor when the nurse comes out and says, "You have a little boy, Mr. Marsh, but you had better go out and have a cup of coffee, because there may be another one." Swampy turns a little pale and leaves.Some time later he phones the hospital and is told that he the father of twins, but the nurse cautions, "There is another on the way, so call back later." At that Swampy decides that coffee is not strong enough, so he goes to a bar and has some beer. When he phones the hospital again he is told that the third baby has arrived and a fourth is on the way. White-faced, he stumbles to the bar and orders a double scotch. Twenty minutes later, he tries to phone again, but he is so drunk that he dials the wrong number and gets the recorded cricket game score. When they pick him up off the floor the recording is still going strong: "The score is ninety-six all out," says the voice, "and the last one was a duck." Saint Peter, was sitting behind a desk on front of the gates of heaven, getting ready to start his day. "May the first person come." He said. "Hello, Saint Peter." said the first person. "State you name and tell me how you spent your life." he said. "Oh Saint Peter, I am a nun, who spent her life helping those in need, and serving the Lord." "Here is a golden key, it will open the Gates of Heaven." And off the nun went. "Next." said Saint Peter. "How did you spend your life." "I spent my life like a normal human being." another woman said. "I told some lies, white lies here and there. But nothing serious." "Here I give you a Silver Key. It is for the Purgatory. You may go now." he said. "Next. Tell me, how did you lived your life?" "Oh Saint Peter, my life was spent on parties, with a different man every day. I loved a good dance, drinking, and having sex every night. You might call me a creature of the night." said a beautiful Girl. "Here is a key made of Brass." he said. "Is that the key to Hell?!" "No, this is the key, for my apartment." 
This Lady needed her bedroom painted. She called a painter to paint it for her. He came and painted it a beautiful color. She was so proud of it. That night her husband came home, and she said, "Look honey, what a beautiful room." The husband, being tired, leaned his hand against the wall and told her how pretty it was, but the paint, still being wet, smeared a little. The lady was rather upset that he had smeared the wall. The next day, the painter comes over to get paid, and the lady says, "Oh, you must come in and see where my husband put his hand last night." The painter replied, "Sorry, I shouldn't do that, lady, but I will split a beer with you." According researchers at the University of Illinois, you can tell what type of a person a guy is by what he first looks at. *Butt lovers are self-centered and a little introverted. Socially inactive and self-absorbed, they enjoy the outdoors and summer time. *Leg men are social animals. They love to party, care about others but tend to be rather insecure. *A guy who checks out your eyes is a typical "nice guy." They are always losing women to jerks and don't know why. Very sensitive to other's feelings. *Finger and toe lovers like variety and they get bored easily. *Boob guys are independent and secure. They are reliable and predictable, easily conned with rewards, but neglect or withdrawal kills their loyalty and makes them look elsewhere. Hmmmm Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, "A little birdie told me." Did you know they probably aren't lying? It is a little known fact that there ARE little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. Thus, these creatures are called "Fliers Unseen Everywhere" or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know, one step ahead of the competition. Those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don't get it? Those whose standard responses to any given question is, "Huh?" Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don't have a clucking FUE.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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