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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, February 13, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the blazes was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!" I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips, no more wintering in town, no more summers up North, no more SUV in the garage and no more bowling club. You'll get half of my money in one shot, and the way you spend it, you'll be on welfare before Christmas. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies. Mary: "So somehow we started talking about doctors and hospitals and surgeries, and I told him about my breast surgery." Jill: "And then?" Mary: "Well, naturally, he asked, "Could I just SEE 'em?" Jill: "And you told him no, I hope." Mary: "Yeah, I said, No, 'just see 'em' becomes 'just touch 'em, 'and 'just touch 'em' becomes 'just kiss 'em,' and 'just kiss 'em' becomes 'just suck 'em.' and..." Jill: "And what?" Mary: "And I asked, Wanna see 'em in the bedroom?" 
A fellow was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program. The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lbs, as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, youcan have me." He's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20lbs, as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?", asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Nancy Pelosi standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes, not even her face mask, and a sign around her neck that reads, "If I catch you, I can have you." There was a young lady named May, Took a stroll in the park by the bay. She met a young man, Who screwed her and ran. Now she goes to the park everyday. A man said to his wife: "Honey, what do you say that tonight we change positions?" "OK," she said. "You stand by the ironing board and I'll lie on the sofa and fart."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, February 12, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." Student: "How long do you want this report to be?" Teacher: "I would like you to think of this paper much like a lady's dress -- long enough to cover the subject, yet short enough to keep it interesting." 
The two little old ladies, who were long time friends and a bit old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?" Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend." Mrs. Murphy said, "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it. Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top and then all over, and then we sing Jewish songs." Mrs. Murphy said, "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you Mrs. Cohen." Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?" Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, "Good for you! So what do you do?" "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me all over" Mrs. Cohen said, "Yes? And then....?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we screw. One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway.It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement, he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted over to the farmer, and bit him in the ass. Moral: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to get you. Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far, but if she lays an egg, we're going to give it away."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, February 11, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Enjoy!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. "How did that happen?" gasped her mother. "It wasn't easy," admitted the young lady, "but Cindy tripped him and Susie and I jumped on him." Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?" "What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants." "What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?" "What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow." Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!" Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!" 
Judy decided she wanted to become a nurse. Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain. The teacher took Judy to one side and said. "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm." "We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him." While waiting for the presidential press conference to begin, the reporter approached a man standing alone in a corner. "So," said the journalist, "have you heard the latest joke about Obama?" The man pinned him with a steely gaze, "Before you tell it, I should inform you that I am proud to work for the White House." "Thanks for the warning," rejoined the reporter. "I'll tell it slowly and explain it for you then." A recent study found out which days men prefer to have sex. It was found that men preferred to engage in sexual activity on the days that started with the letter 'T'... Examples of those days are: TUESDAY THURSDAY THANKSGIVING THATURDAY AND THUNDAY Women, howver, prefer to limit themselves to TODAY TOMORROW as long as hubby doesn't find out.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, February 10, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young engaged couple were getting some prenuptial counseling from their minister. The guy asked, "Is it okay to have sex before the wedding?" The minister replied, "No. It might delay the ceremony." The US finally sent the first manned space mission to Mars. The spacecraft gently touched down and the astronaut descended and tested the atmosphere. Low and behold it was safe for people to breathe. He removed his space suit and exited the spacecraft. He was amazed to find himself in a lush green valley surrounded with beautiful wooded hills. He hiked for some distance and came upon a beautiful little white cottage with a lush green lawn surrounded by a white picket fence like something out of "Better Homes and Gardens." He walked up to the front door and found it open. He walked inside, looked around and hearing noises from the kitchen he went back there. WOW, to his amazement he saw the most beautiful blonde he had ever seen standing over a large pot on the stove. Inside the pot was a gooey mess that she was stirring with a large spoon. As he watched she kept stirring and stirring. After a couple hours he finally asked her what she was doing. She replied that she was having a baby. He was quite skeptical but after a couple more hours of stirring she reached down into the gooey mess and pulled out a beautiful baby girl. He told her that was really amazing but that was not the way it was done on Earth. She replied " How do you do it on Earth ?" With a twinkle in his eyes he said, "Come on back to the bedroom and I'll show you." After an hour of the wildest sex he had ever experienced he lay back exhausted and lit up a cigarette. She said " Well where is the baby?" He said " Oh that takes nine months." She replied, "Then why did you stop stirring?" 
They remind me of DearWebby's Wingnuts page.
It was the first day of school, and the elementary school teacher was establishing the fact that she'd take no nonsense from the kiddies this year. While taking the roll, she was told by one boy, "My name is Bob Fuckhauer." Upset, the teacher said very loudly, "THERE'LL BE NONE OF THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IN MY CLASS THIS YEAR, now Bob; tell me your real name!" The kid said, "No, really teacher, it is Bob Fuckhauer. You can go across the hall to fourth grade and ask my brother if you don't believe me!" Not wanting to be subjected to that kind of thing, the teacher went across the hall and knocked on the fourth grade classroom door. The fourth grade teacher had stepped down the hall to the front office for a moment, so she entered the room and directly asked the class, "Do you have a Fuckhauer in here?" "Hell no!" replied a little kid from the front row, "We don't even get a damn cookie break!" A guy and his talking dog "Rover" went to a bar. The bartender says "We don't allow dogs in here." The guy says "You don't understand, my dog talks." The bartender says "Prove it and i'll let him stay." The guy says "Ok, Rover tell the bartender you want a beer." So, Rover says "I want a beer." The bartender says "No way, you are a ventriloquist." The guy says "Ok, I'll go to the bathroom and you ask him." The bartender says "Well, what can I get ya?" Rover replys "I want a beer." The bartender can't believe it. He reaches in his wallet pulls out a ten dollar bill and tells Rover it's yours if you go to the bar across the street and say the same thing. The guy comes out of the bathroom and can't believe his dog is gone. He says "What have you done with my dog!" The bartender says "Don't worry, I sent him across the street to the other bar." Furious the guy runs out of the bar to see Rover bangin a poodle on the street corner. The guy says "Rover, Rover! What are you doing, I've never seen you do this before?" Rover says "I've never had ten bucks before!" Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "Quite an orgy," Johnny answered.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, February 9, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Here's a woman with no luck for names. Born Jennifer Crabb, and enduring teasing throughout school, her nearest neighbors had the last names Beaver, Butt, and Blow. Finally she attended Denison College where she slept in Beaver Dorm. Denison College, by the way, is in Licking County, Ohio. When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back." 
They remind me of DearWebby's Wingnuts page.
The reporter met the plane bringing back demobilized soldiers from Afghanistan. He wanted to write a human interest story, and asked one soldier, "What's the first thing you'll do when you get home?" The soldier immediately replied, "Screw my wife." The reporter realized he'd never get that printed, and asked, "Oh. Well, what's the second thing?" "Then I'll take off these damned combat boots!" A flea had oiled up his little flea legs and his little flea arms and was soaking up the Miami sun, when an old flea friend of his walked by. "Oscar, what happened to you?" asked the first flea when he saw how terrible his friend looked -- runny nose, red eyes, teeth chattering. "I got a ride down here in some biker's mustache and nearly froze my nuts off," wheezed Oscar. "Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the first flea. "Go to the stewardess lounge at the airport, get up on the toilet seat, and when a stewardess comes in, hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?" A month later, while stretched out on the beach, the flea saw Oscar again, looking more chilled and miserable than before. "I did everything you said," Oscar explained. "I went to the stewardess lounge, made a perfect landing, and got so warm and cozy that I dozed off." "And so?" asked the first flea. "And the next thing I know, I'm in this guy's mustache again!" This woman decides to buy a new cupboard that you have to assemble yourself. Back home she reads the instructions carefully and assembles the cupboard in the bedroom. It looks really neat. Then, a train passes and the whole cupboard collapses. Thinking that she must have done something wrong she rereads the instructions and reassembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses again. Now, fed up she calls customer service. She is told that this is quite impossible and that they'll send along a technician to have a look. The technician arrives and assembles the cupboard. Then, a train passes and the cupboard collapses. Completely baffled by this unexpected event, the technician decides to reassemble the cupboard and get inside it to see whether he can find out what causes the cupboard to collapse. At this point, the woman's husband comes home, sees the cupboard and says: "That's a nice looking cupboard", and opens it. Says the technician: "You may find this hard to believe, but I'm just standing here waiting for the next train."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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