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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, December 18, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name. In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?" All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS." Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?", she asks. "They'll grow larger over a period of years", he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" He lived, and with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again....some day. 
What do electric train sets and woman's breasts have in common? Both were intended for children, but it's the father who plays with them. Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.' The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.' The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. 'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.' The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter. 'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?' 'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun. The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.' 'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun. The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. 'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.' The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?' When my wife's sister, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleep overs would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36. "Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety-four?" Rory got to spend the night.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 17, 2009 It just occurred to me, since Canada's forests and prairies convert more CO2 to O2, than we produce CO2, Socialist polluters like Zimbabwe, Tuvalis, Venezuela, etc. should be forced to buy Carbon credits from us! And the English better watch their farting too! Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The old perfesser was shopping the other day and wound up face to face with this drop dead gorgeous young lady. He couldn't help but just stare at her, so much so that his mouth dropped open and he was almost drooling. The lady caught him staring and suspected he wasn't just admiring her shopping bag. "So, old man," she said, "are you often troubled by indecent thoughts?" The old perfesser smiled and replied, "No, ma'am, not troubled at all. Actually, to be honest, I rather enjoy them." Boudreaux found Thibodeaux walking down the levee, looking really down in the dumps. Naturally, he asked Thibodeaux what the problem was. Thibodeaux told Boudreaux, "Well, me and Clothile done had our first fight last night." Boudreaux says, "Aw, dat's too bad. What y'all had a fight about?" Thibodeaux tells him, "Mais, I told her a joke about de Pope." Boudreaux says, "Mais, Thib, why did you do that? You knows dat Clothile is Catholic." Thibodeaux replies, "Yah, I knew dat, but I didn't know de Pope was too." 
Your Turn To Shovel the Driveway!
A small town is someplace, where everybody knows whose whiskey is good and whose wife isn't. Greg went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "Greg, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God? Greg replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (poof!) the light goes on when I pee, and then (poof!) the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Greg's wife. "Keli," he said, "Greg is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and (poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (poof!) the light goes off?" Keli exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" --- Must be an old joke! DearWebby replaced my old light switches with motion detector light switches in the hallway, pantry, coffee-machine corner in the kitchen and the bathroom entrance almost 10 years ago. I tried telling people that God turns the lights on for me, because he likes watching the sexy way I walk, but they don't believe me. I sure like my sexy motion lights, though, and could never go back to manual lights again. Thanks DearWebby! Name the elements, Billy," instructed the teacher. "There's earth and there's air," began the boy, "and then fire and...er... water... and---oh, yes---screwing." The teacher gasped, then recovered herself. "That filthy thing you named, what ever made you include it?" "I overheard my mom telling one of her friends," answered Billy, "that when my dad gets to screwing, he's really in his element. By the way, it's not filthy, if you shower first."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, December 16, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
During his first three-month evaluation, a rookie cop mentioned to the chief of police that the stress of the job was really starting to wear him down. The chief told the young policeman that when he was a young cop, whenever he was feeling too tense, he'd go home and make love like crazy with his wife for about an hour, which always made him feel better and enabled him to return to work with a much better outlook. The rookie considered this piece of wisdom and said it sounded like good advice; he'd give it a try and see if it helped. The next week the chief called the kid in and asked how things were going. The new cop replied that, in fact, just that morning he had experienced extreme stress and had followed his boss's suggestion, with great success. He felt great. After being dismissed by his pleased superior, the rookie abruptly halted at the door and said, "Oh, Chief, I almost forgot. Your wife asked me to tell you to pick up some lamb chops for dinner." Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent years in a whore house and his language is foul." "Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back home, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed. Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed. After a while Bill entered the living quarters. The parrot looked at him and said, "Hi, Bill!" --- Now why would I nt be surprised if somebody rewrote that and sent it back with Bill's name changed to Tiger? 
Elmer is a good pig catcher, but doesn't want to let them go.
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business. After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice "Well, just what are you doing?" She said "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with you and no money - just looking." A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tatoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaimed "I want to join your biker club". The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, thats my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool". The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?". The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples quite a few times." A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," the girl says.The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, December 15, 2009 and the temperature is -30º by the thermometer outside my window. It is supposed to warm up to just a few degrees below seasonal averages tomorrow. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
One of the women with whom I work, Donna, has a son in 3rd grade. Part of his daily homework is to practice his spelling for his weekly tests. So together Donna and her son go over the words for the test, both meaning and spelling of the words. A few weeks ago, her son brought home his test. He scored 97%, missing only one word. The word was "clock". Part of the test was to use each spelling list word in a sentence. His sentence? "My dad gave my mom a clock for her birthday" -- only it seems he'd accidentally omitted the letter "L". Donna said there was no comment on the test, just the biggest check mark she had ever seen. Patient: "Nurse, during my operation I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much." Nurse: "What word was that?" Patient: "Oops!" Nurse: "Don't worry. That 'Oops' was for his elbow hitting my boob when I got too close." 
What is THAT?
There was once this woman who lived with her 5 yr old kid,her husband and a maid. One day her kids having a bath with her and points to her vagina and asks "mummy mummy whats that?" The mum goes, "thats my sponge honey." One day the mum has an operation and has her sponge shaved off. When she gets home and is having a shower her daughter walks in and asks, "mummy mummy where's your sponge?" Mum goes, " Oh I lost it." One day the little kid runs to her mum and goes "mummy mummy I found your sponge !" Mum goes "oh yeah?.....where???" Kid goes "the Maid is washing Daddy's face with it." A man walked into his office and told his male co-workers that his wife had given him an ultimatum: until he quit smoking, he wasn't going to get any sex. They asked him, "How long do you think you'll be able to hold out?" He replied: "Probably until my girlfriend dies." Friday Floyd was on his way home to pick up his wife so they could go out dancing. On the way Floyd saw a beautiful young lady hitch hiking and so Floyd gives her a ride. When they arrive at the place the young lady is going to, she gets out and tells Floyd he was very kind for giving her a ride. After picking up his wife Floyd notices a high heel on the floor board and thought "Oh no, if she sees that I'll catch all kinds of grief." So when his wife was not looking he grabbed the shoe and threw it out the window. When they arrive at the dance hall, his wife is looking all around suspiciously. Nervously Floyd asked her what was the matter. She replies, "I can't find my shoe, I know I had it when I got into the car...Have you seen it?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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( 3 / 21 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, December 14, 2009 and the temperature is -31º by the thermometer outside my window, not by a consensus of grant scavengers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are getting pretty hot and heavy. 'Kiss me on the lips' she said...so he kissed her on the lips 'Kiss me on the neck' she said...so he kissed her on the neck 'Kiss me on the shoulder' she said...so he kissed her on the shoulder 'Kiss me on the breast' she said...so he kissed her on the breast 'Kiss me on the belly' she said...so he kissed her on the belly 'Kiss me on the thigh' she said...so he kissed her on the thigh 'Kiss me where it smells' she said...so he drove her to New Jersey. Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury a large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they were burying. "This here`s a big mule!" "This ain`t no mule, this here`s a donkey." "Mule!" "Donkey!" Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are you boys doing?" "We`re diggin` a grave for this mule." "Donkey, dammit!" The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn`t either one, it`s an ass!" An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing, digging a foxhole?" "No sir, we`re diggin` an asshole." 
What is THAT?
In 1874, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas. In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady and a greenhorn from the East. The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you ten dollars for a blowjob." The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn right between the eyes. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!" The Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars," and added with a smirk, "plus a tip." Jack and Jill went up the hill With a keg of brandy Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed Now it's Jack Jill and Andy Jack and Jill Went up the hill And planned to do some kissing . Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass Now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill Went up the hill Both carrying a bucket. When Jill bent down Her ass was round So Jack decided to .... read a good book A man goes to a psychiatrist, and tells him, "Doc, I think I have an obsession with sex." The doctor agrees to examine him and begins by showing him various drawings. First the doctor draws a square and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Omigosh! Four people screwing!" Next, the doctor draws a circle, at which the man gasps, and says, "One man jerking off." Next, the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as, "Two women and one man screwing." The doctor put the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I do believe that you have an obsession with sex." To which the man replies, "Me? You silly quack!! You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, December 13, 2009 and the temperature is -28º by the thermometer outside my window, not by a consensus of grant scavengers. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town. "I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. "How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody in town knows what everybody else is doing and with whom?" "Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper to see who got caught at it." Q: How can I avoid always being handed other peoples' drooling brats? A: Drop one or two. 
Al Gore's Friends with snow on their faces
A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Scotsman were out at the beach. Suddenly they spied a beautiful mermaid sunning herself in a shoal. The Frenchman walked up to her with desire in his eyes and said, "Beautiful mermaid, have you ever been keesed?" The mermaid said "No, I haven't." So the Frenchman said, "Zen I weel show you." And the Frenchman kissed the beautiful mermaid passionately for half an hour. Then the Italian spoke up. "Mermaid, have-a you ever been fondled?" The mermaid said "No", So the Italian said "Then I will-a show you." And the Italian passionately fondled the mermaid for half an hour. Then the Scotsman spoke. "Byootiful mairmaid, have ye ever been skrooed?" The mermaid said, "No, I haven't." To this the Scotsman replied, "Well ye are now, the tide went out an hour ago!" A woman, not known for her purity, was preparing for her marriage. She approached her mother for advice on how to fool her husband to be into thinking she was a virgin. "Put a cork in it and let him try to get it in. After a while excuse yourself, go to the bathroom and pull the cork out. Then return and tell him you used Grandma's Goose Grease." The wedding goes on and the woman follows her mother's advice and it works perfectly. Several days later her lineman husband was working on a telephone pole when a bird sat above him and shit on his head. He looked up, shook his fist at the bird and said "You better watch it. I'll get Grandma's Goose Grease and shove this pole up your ass!" Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated." The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation." Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?" The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright." He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks. "It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..." "Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, December 12, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two policemen, one a rookie, the other an older redneck cop, were making their rounds through a lover's lane type of spot, when they spied a very young couple fooling around in a tent. "Cletus, what should we do?" The rookie cop always deferred to his more experienced partner. Cletus spat some tobacco juice on the ground. "Bo, we tell the little punk to scram, and then we have some fun with little Miss Purty, or we throw 'em both in jail. That's what we do!" Cletus told Bo to go first, and Bo did. The boy ran off into the woods and Cletus watched the tent shake, rattle and roll for the next ten minutes. The girl didn't seem to be too upset that her little boyfriend was gone. Bo came back to the car zipping up his uniform, and Cletus went drooling to the tent. Cletus entered and said, "Now, little girl, you're gonna find out what it's like with a real man." From under the blanket, Cletus heard an incredulous familiar voice exclaim, "Daddy?" A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed. Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?" The other three agreed. The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire for sex and I frequently seduce my female patients." The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can, so that I can buy the things I want." The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me." The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to talk about anything told to me, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret." 
A woman was driving along, and her car broke down. She decided to hitchhike to the nearest gas station. A truck driver hauling a load of chickens pulled up. The driver asked, "Hey, little lady, need a lift?" "Yes, my car broke down, and I need a ride to the nearest gas station." The driver replied, "OK, but first you have to fuck me! No fuck, no ride." She said, "I'm sorry, I don't need a ride that badly." So the driver pulled away. All this time, the driver had a parrot on his shoulder. The parrot started saying, "No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" he driver said, "You had better shut up, bird, or I'm gonna throw you in back with the chickens!" About two miles down the road, the parrot said, "No fuck, no ride!" So, the driver slammed on the breaks and threw him in back with the chickens! About 2 more miles further down the road, the driver heard sirens and saw flashing lights, so he pulled over. He got out of the truck and approached the officer. "What's the problem, officer. I wasn't speeding was I?" The officer said, "I wasn't pulling you over for speeding. I just wanted to inform you that you have a parrot throwing chickens out the trailer screaming, No fuck, no ride! No fuck, no ride!" A couple returned from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong. "Well," replied the man "when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking." "Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough - she can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!" The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if *I* can get over this, though. She gave me $20 change!" There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go. He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their desks. Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both get up and leave at the same time. He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?" Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for my hair appointment."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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( 2.8 / 20 )|
Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, December 11, 2009 Thanks for all your emails! Some of you, though, need to go on a strict diet of Smarties! Bubba, take your foot out of your mouth! You look as silly as you write. "..1700 scientists agree..." Think about that! They are NOT scientists to start out with, no more than you, Bubba, are a Millionaire. Scientists use empirical proof, not a consensus of bums and grant scavengers. Pretending, that a consensus of wackos makes a wacky theory a fact, might lead to a mutiny at the funny farm, but has nothing to do with real science. Maybe that is why they keep sharp objects away from you? Look at hard facts instead of believing the snivling of grant scavengers! Did the temperatures actually go up, or did you just buy a brand new snow shovel? Did the water levels rise anywhere except in your bath tub? Or did it actually drop enough for many places on the coasts getting bigger beaches? Check out the golf course in Juneau, Alaska, or the beach widening in Florida. Even in Hawaii, where they are destroying beaches with sand repellant privacy walls, the water level stayed the same or dropped slightly. So, eat your Smarties and try thinking yourself! It may hurt initially, but after a while, it becomes quite enjoyable . Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. "Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?...That's what I do." said Irving. "Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?" "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!" A good-looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She sits down at the end of the bar and immediately raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer. At that moment, everybody notices that she doesn't shave her armpits. When she finishes her drink she raises her arm again to get another one. Again, everybody sees her incredibly hairy armpits. This happens a few times. Meanwhile, a drunk man on the other side of the bar says to the bartender as he passes him, "Hey! D'you see that ballerina on the other side of the bar?" The bartender gives him a nod. "Buy her a drink on me." The bartender replies, "Sure, but how do you know she's a ballerina?" "Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick who can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina." 
fallen tree. Everyone was OK but they were stranded. After 3 hours of walking they see a farm house. They walk up to the door and ring the doorbell. An old man answers the door and, after the three guys explain their situation, the man encourages them to stay, as long as nobody messes around with his 19 year old daughter. All three of them agree and go up into the guest room. The next morning the old man yells up the stairs, "you three bastids get down here NOW". They all get there and the man says, "I know that at least one of you 3 did something last night with my daughter", and ordered them all, with a butcher knife in his hand, to drop their pants. Then he says,"My daughter has very stiff pubic hairs and anyone that had sex with her would have marks on their penis." The first one drops his pants, and sure enough, scratches all over. So he chops it off in one swift slice. The same happens with the second guy, but the third has no scratches anywhere on his penis. The father expresses his gratitude as the guy says, with blood dripping from his mouth, "Cun I goa hone naw?" :There was a woman from Buffalo who challenged a fellow to show that he could pee higher than she. How could the stout fellow say no? So they went on out back of the pub. She put her puss on the wall and said "Bub, I'm goin' first... I'm about to burst," then proceeded to let go a flood. She managed about three feet high. So the bub whipped open his fly... grabbed hold of his thing, but the lady" did sing, "The rules are no hands, by the by!" An 85 year old retired Captain puts on his Dress white uniform and heads for the docks once more for old times sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well Chief, you're doing just about three knots." "Three knots?" he asks, "What's in Hell is that supposed to mean?" She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 10, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said to the attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours." "Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves. "Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra....." ----- You saw THAT coming, didn't you? The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?" Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight." 
An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. "My lord," the Irishman exclaimed, "what are you doing here?" The landowner sighed. "I'm here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?" "For fathering that playboy son of yours," the Irishman replied. WHY M & M'S ARE WICCAN: * MM = Merry Meet* *Round shape for wheel of the year, cycle of seasons* *Skins are different colors, but the inside is the same chocolate, because we are all related.* *Associations with the colors: -Red = South, -Green = West, -Dark Brown = North, -Yellow = East, Orange = For the Solar God, -Light Brown = For the Earth Mother (Copper Woman) * Rotate the M & M: - M = 13th letter of alphabet, and there are 13 witches in a coven -3 = Triple Goddess, three phases of moon -W = Witchcraft, Wiccan -E = Enlightenment, Enchantment of chocolate "Melt in your mouth, not in your hand" --God/dess's love must be experienced directly to appreciate. Also, God/dess will take care of you.* *Sweetness to remind us of how sweet the love of the God and Goddess is!* A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb cluck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's dead, both of my sisters are pregnant, and so are both neighbors, and dad's sittin' in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, December 9, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room." She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that. The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference." She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving your neck right now." A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands. The girl watches him and says, "You must be a dentist." The guy, surprised, says "Yes ... how did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, "You must be a great dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Yes, I sure am a great dentist... How did you figure that out?" The girl says, "Easy ... I didn't feel a thing!" 
The new Tennessee preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to services lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door. When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!" "No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I just stopped by to have a prayer with you." So she said, " Come right on in." He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty. Then he came to a widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door. When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands -- which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!" And he said, "Well! Hello, Darlin'!" Tina goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $30, she exclaims,"I don't have any money. I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!" To that the man asks, "Anything?" Tina says, "Yes, anything!" With that the man says, "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees." She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out." With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!" She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says, "Hello, Mom?" A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience. Man: The hospital I was in was very specialized. Friend: How so ? Man: They had a food nurse who gave you food. They had a drug nurse who gave you drugs. They had a coffee nurse who gave you coffee. Then there was the head nurse...
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, December 8, 2009 I don't think there is anybody left in Calgary, who still believes in Gullible Warming. -30º last night, and again now, cars and buses stuck in snow drifts, snow removal contractors clocking overtime around the clock. No matter where you go, you hear loaders grunting and blowing black smoke. Gullible climate change? Yep, back to the way it was during the last cooling ripple, at the end of which Sagan was scaring the sheep into worrying about a coming ice age. Since he failed to read the bar codes at the sides of the canyons, he failed to realize that, by the time he had his speeches written, the cooling ripple was over and the warming ripple had started. DUH! Just like Gore came out with his Gullible Warming con job at the end of the warming ripple. And the sheep fell for it all over again. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business'," declared the first man. "Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'." Turning to Old Tom, the first gent asked, "So Tom what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the old Tom replied. "I want them all to say, 'Hey dude, I hope the old fart is still breathing!" Two guys are walking down the street and one is telling the other how he hates Italians, but when they turn the corner there is an Italian organ grinder with a little monkey holding a tin cup. The guy who hates Italians puts some coins in the monkey's cup. When they walk away his friend says, "I thought you hated Italians yet you gave him money?" And he answers, "Yes, they are so cute when they are little." 
Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid of commitment! Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum. Jane: What did you say? Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me your last name, or I'll move out of your house!" From Bob: My wife and I are both in an Internet business, but she's the one who truly lives, eat, and breathes computers. I finally realized how bad it had gotten when I was scratching her back one day. "No, not there," she directed. "Scroll down." He: How do you feel about pasta sex? She: Pasta sex? What's that? He: That's when I start kissing your lips... then I kiss pasta your neck, then I kiss pasta your breasts, then I kiss pasta your belly button... She: Ohhhh... al dente!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, December 7, 2009
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, free groceries and free rent for the last 16 years, and watch the expression on HIS face!" A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then," she replied, "tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain THAT to you." 
An 80-year-old couple is having trouble remembering things, so they go to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong. After an exam, the doctor says, "You're physically okay, but you guys might want to start writing notes to help you remember things." That night they're watching TV when the old man gets up from his chair. His wife says, "Where are you going?" He says, "I'm going to the kitchen to get a glass of water." She says, "Will you get me some Vanilla ice cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream." She says, "And could I have strawberries and whipped cream?" He says, "All right." She says, "Don't you think you should write it down?" He says, "I don't have to write it down. Vanilla ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." Twenty minutes later he walks in and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She says, "I knew you'd forget if you don't write things down! You forgot my damn toast." Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you." So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you." So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!" "Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!" "Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama." A new mother went to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?" "Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor, and pile some pots and pans there. You'll hear the racket." Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. Then, when I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Doc, you've gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the psychiatrist. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." "How much do you charge?" "My fee is $90 per visit." "That's awfully expensive, Doc," reckoned Shakey. "Let me sleep on it, and I'll get back to you." Six months later, the doctor and Shakey crossed paths. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. "For a visit? Heck, a bartender cured me for free!" "How do you figure?" asked the psychiatrist. "He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, December 5, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A drunk was trying to make time with a pretty girl at a cocktail party, but she wasn't having any part of him... especially the part he had in mind. After a while, to show his contempt for her, he inquired loudly, "Tell me, dear, what happens when whores get pregnant?" Amused, she answered, "Don't tell me you still think your mother found you under a cabbage leaf!" A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee." The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. From now on when you have to 'pee'just tell me that you have to whisper'." The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his Father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper." The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear." 
Two old men were sitting in a bar, discussing their wives. The first said, "Last night, I asked Myrna if we could try sex in a different position. I wanted to try doing it doggy-style." "Doggy-style? Did she go for it?" "I'll say we did it doggy-style. I sat up and begged, she rolled over and played dead." A married couple were on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace in Karachi looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, 'I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.' Well, the wife was interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?' The Pakistani said, ‘just try them on, sahib.' Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes - something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani, bent him violently over a table yanked down his pants and ripped down his own trousers, and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani began screaming, 'You have dem on de wrong feet!' Women: Age 8: Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty. Age 15: Looks at herself and sees: Cinderella/Sleeping Beauty/Cheerleader, or if she is PMS'ing: sees:Pimples/UGLY ("Mom, I can't go to school looking like this!") Age 20: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she's going out anyway. Age 30: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but decides she doesn't have time to fix it so she's going out anyway. Age 40: Looks at herself and sees: "too fat/too thin, too short/too tall, too straight/too curly" - but says, "At least, I'm clean" and goes out anyway. Age 50: Looks at herself and sees I am" - and goes wherever she wants to. Age 60: Looks at herself and reminds herself of all the people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore. ...goes out and conquers the world. Age 70: Looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and ability - goes out and enjoys life. Age 80: Doesn't bother to look. Just puts on a red hat and goes out to participate in the world. Age 90: Can't see straight and doesn't worry about it! AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman, who has three kids screaming and tearing about the house, to forget taking the pill DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert. FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster. FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots. FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him. GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right. HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word. IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid. INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say. POW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings. PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry clothes into it. SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours. STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas. TWO MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises. VERBAL: Able to whine in words. WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house..
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, December 5, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The highly religious young man entered his wedding chamber and was shocked to find his new young bride awaiting him, spread-eagled and naked on their bed. "My dear!" he exclaimed, "I expected to find you beside our bed and on your knees!" "OK," she said, obediently changing positions, "but I always get the hiccups when I screw in that position.." At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?" "From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an-occasion like this you think they would serve champagne." 
Didn't win the Christmas Light-Up contest
A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Sherry? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?" She said, "I want a divorce." He replied in shock, "I wasn't planning on spending quite THAT much." One day a man tried to get a job at a great company. He passed every test with flying colours. At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers. "I can fix that with some Aspirin. Just take some and I'll be better in a second" So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Aspirin. He takes it and his blinking goes away. The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing!" The guy says "Oh! No! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for aspirin while your winking" Joe and John were identical twins. Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself. One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it. He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening. Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence. When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery. A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible." Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy." "I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad. But they wanted her anyway. The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle." The old woman fainted. It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!!!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. Stand on the dresser!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, December 4, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The teacher said, "An abstract noun is something you can see, but can't touch. Can anyone give me an example of an abstract noun." Little Johnny's hand shot up and he said, "Your boobs!" The young secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend. "After dinner," she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that." "That was smart," her friend said, approvingly, "Then what happened?" "He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve did you?" asked the friend. "Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry......" 
Soon after marriage, a lady's husband stopped wearing his wedding ring. She asked, "Why don't you ever wear your wedding band?" He replied, "It cuts off my circulation." She answered back, "It's supposed to!" A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful female giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink. Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink. After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air. His whiskers were bent and broken, tail was crooked and patches of hair werefalling out. The bartender took one look and said, "How did it go last night?" The mouse said, "Man, that was the best sex I ever had." The bartender asked, "Why do you look so bad?" The mouse replied, "Hey between the kissing and the screwing I must have run a hundred miles with my short little feet!" After a hard day's work, a lady was enjoying a quiet cocktail at the bar when the door slammed open and the most gorgeous hunk of a man she had ever laid eyes on walked in. Tall, muscular and astonishingly handsome, with sparkling blue eyes and thick dark hair, the woman couldn't help but stare. The man noticed that he was the object of the woman's attention, and with a sly, sexy smile, approached her. Blushing, she prepared to apologise for staring, but he leaned close and whispered in her ear. "I'll do anything," he whispered in a deep, soft voice. "Anything, absolutely anything you want, anything you have ever dreamt of, for fifty dollars. There's just one condition..." Trembling with anticipation, the woman asked him the condition. The man said, "You only have 3 words to tell me what you want to do." The women gazed into his hypnotic eyes, considering the proposition, then reached into her handbag and took out fifty dollars. Scribbling her address on a napkin, she folded it around the fifty and pressed it into his hand, leaned over and whispered into his ear.... "Clean ... my ... house." MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her Between two hunks of bread.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 3, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Susie Lee fell in love. She planned to marry Joe .She was so happy 'bout it all, she told her Pappy so. Pappy told her, "Susie Gal, you'll have to find another. I'd just as soon yo' maw don't know, but Joe is yo' half-brother." So Susie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will. But, after telling Pappy this, he said, "There's trouble still. You can't marry Will, my gal, and please don't tell yo' mother, cause Will and Joe and several mo' I know is yo' half-brother." But Mama knew and said "Honey Child, Do what makes yo' happy. Marry Will or marry Joe, you ain't no kin to Pappy Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an old cow ran in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened. About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily. "What happened?" asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me." "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied: "'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the old cow.'" 
A first grade teacher is starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thinks it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" she asks. After some thought Jane proudly replies with 'Monday.' "You are correct, Jane, 'Monday' does have two syllables." Continuing, she then asks, "Does anyone know another word with more than one syllable?" "I do! I do!" replies Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word?" "Saturday," says Mike. "Yes! That has three syllables, Mike, great job," she replies. Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says, "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large, the teacher reluctantly asks, "OK, Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas-tur-ba-tion." The teacher, shocked and trying to retain her composure, says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's is certainly a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', but that's only two syllables." These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling)collected by schools from all over the country. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him. 2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33. 4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits. [words in ()'s were crossed out.] 12. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover. 22. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. 24. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor. The Polish were upset because of their bad reputation. A group of them got together and approached a conference of Americans, Germans, and Japanese and asked for help on this matter. An American replied, "You must do something so the world will respect you. The Japanese are known for their technology and the Germans are known for their resourcefulness. We Americans have had respect since we helped win the World War against the other two. See, you need to do something world-famous." A German added, "Yes, he's right. Why don't you find a place in this world in need of a bridge that no one has dared build, build it, come back to us, and we will help publicize it." With that, the Polish set off to build their bridge. They designed it and worked six months and finally completed it. They then went back to report it to the group. The bridge was a beautiful bridge but it had one flaw: it was erected in the middle of the Sahara Desert. An American said, "No, no. See, that is why you have your reputation. There is no need for a bridge in the middle of the desert. Now go and dismantle it, and find a more strategic spot to erect it." The Polish returned to the conference in two weeks. One of the Japanese said, "Two weeks! It only took you two weeks to dismantle that bridge and build a new one??? That is amazing!!" To which a Polish man replied, "Well, not exactly. When we returned to the bridge we couldn't dismantle it because there were all these Italians fishing off it." Two dapper old men sit on the porch of the retirement home every single afternoon. Two marriage-minded old ladies who move to the home set their sights on these most eligible of bachelors. The first day, they dress up in their finest evening gowns and parade past the porch three times. The men don't even look up. Every day for two weeks, the old ladies try something new to get their attention - new hats, new hairdos, new jewelry. But the men don't give them a second glance. Finally, the old ladies are so fed up one says to the other, "the only thing that's going to get the attention of those old coots is a little flesh." The next afternoon, both ladies take off all their clothes in the bushes, then streak by the porch. One of the old men says to the other, "My God, what did they have on today?" The other codger shakes his head. "Can't say for sure. But whatever they were wearing,it needs ironing very badly."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, December 2, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A young punk gets on the bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and tattoos and his earrings are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next 10 minutes. Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, 'What are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?' Without missing a beat, the old man replies, 'Yeah, back when I was young and in the navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I'm wondering if maybe you could be my son!' In the beginning was the Plan. And then came the Assumptions. And the Assumptions were without form. And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers. And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, "This is crock of shit, and it stinks." And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and we can't live with the smell." And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it." And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength." And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong." And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.." And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects." And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good. And the Plan became Policy. And that, my friends, is how shit happens. 
Just one bucket, and you never have to wash that car again!
An American couple is in Paris on a long-awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there since they had looked forward to their visit to France for so many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store that is open late. First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, on pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" (capeau instead of chapeau) The policeman is a bit surprised since the American has asked where he can buy a black condom, but, after thinking a bit, he gives our friend directions. The store - if that is what it is - looks a little seedy and rundown, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes the American and says, "M'sieru, je veux acheter un capeau noir?" "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noire." After explaining that he has red, white, and brown condoms, but no black condoms, the man asks the American why he wants a black condom, "Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?" "Ma femme est morte." After the American says that his wife is dead, the man exclaims, "O Monsieru! Quelle beau sentiment!- What a beautiful sentiment!" A farmer has to go out to plow his rental field about 10 miles from his farm. To get there he must drive his tractor, and his dog old Joe trots along beside him. Halfway through the plowing, the tractor runs out of fuel. He wanders out to the road and flags down a ride, which just happens to be a Ferrari. The driver says, "You can have a ride, but that dog can't get in my car." The farmer says, "Don't worry. Old Joe will keep up." The driver figures he'll show the farmer just what his car can do and lets it rip. Just as he is going into 5th gear, he looks out the window and sure enough Old Joe is right beside him. He can't wait to have a look at the amazing dog, so he slams on the brakes, and the car stops rather abruptly. The driver jumps out exclaiming, "He's the most incredible dog I've ever seen! But what kind of collar is that he's wearing?" The farmer shook his head and said, "That's not a collar, that's his ass... he's not used to stopping that fast." At the senior citizens luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding along, when they came upon a fork in the river and the gentleman asked, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden, the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and then continued riding along, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" There she went again, stripping off her clothes to make wild, passionate love to him again. This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and so there they were the next day riding in the boat, when they came upon the fork in the river. The gentleman asked, "Well, do you want to go up or down?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river, when he came upon another fork. He asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" She replied, "Up." This really confused the gentleman, so he asked "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing." She replied, "Well, yesterday I didn't have my hearing aid in, and I thought you were saying, 'F*ck or drown!'" The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief. The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.' 'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?' 'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, December 1, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 17th century. The invention was later modified in the mid-18th century by a British inventor who added a hole in the middle. Thus the term, "Holey crap!" "Hey!" cried the girl to her boyfriend. "When are you going to take me on that trip to Florida you've been promising me?" "Ah never promised you a trip to Florida," drawled her boyfriend. "Ah just said Ah was goin' to tampa with you." 
"So let me get this straight, Cathleen McGinty," the prosecutor said to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your husband in bed with a strange woman." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your husband, killing him." "That's correct," says the defendant. "Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your husband and not his lover?" asked the prosecutor. "It seemed thriftier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different woman every day!" Three servicemen, Air Force, Marine, and a Sailor, were all on a flight to go home on leave after spending time in Afghanistan. When they landed a man approached them and said, "Boys to show my thanks for serving our country I'm gonna give you my truck to drive home so you don't have to pay for a cab." The guys thankfully agreed and drove off. Halfway there the truck broke down and they were stuck out on a lonely stretch of road. Off in the distance they saw a farm house and went to ask to use the phone. When the man at the door answered and saw the men in uniform he invited them in. He said, "Boys for serving our country I'll cook you a steak dinner and you can shack up with my three daughters, you'll have to discuss amongst yourselves who sleeps with each girl, there's plenty of beer in the fridge." The men ate and the first girl comes down the stairs, a very pretty girl. The fly boy jumped up and said "she's mine" and goes upstairs. The second girl comes down, prettier than the first, the jar head snatches her up and goes upstairs. The sailor is waiting for the last girl thinking he's getting the ugly one. To his delight she comes down, the finest of them all. The next morning the farmer is cooking breakfast. The fly boy comes down first, uniform neatly pressed, fresh looking. The farmer asked if he wanted breakfast but the fly boy says, "No thank you sir, you've done enough already," and left. The jarhead came down next, uniform not as neat as the fly boys but still acceptable. The farmer offers him food but he only drinks coffee, thanks the farmer and leaves. The sailor comes down next, still a little drunk, neckerchief messed up and missing a shoe. The farmer offers him breakfast and the sailor ate everything and took off without even a 'thank you.' After they all were gone the farmer calls his girls down. Rubbing is hands together greedily he says, "OK girls, how did we do?" The girl with the airman says, "He fondled me a little, drank a beer and gave me $200!" The girl with the marine says, "He screwed me one time, had a couple beers and gave me $150." The poor girl with the sailor appears all tired and worn out, "he screwed me all night, drank the rest of the beer, and I'll be damned if he didn't borrow $50 from me till next payday!" One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again. At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a very loud fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked. "This is a funeral, Buddy, why in the hell are you laughing?" Trying to hold his laughter for a moment, the man replied, "I was just thinking about my own funeral, I'm a gynecologist." Doug and Bill were discussing the new secretary at their office. Doug to Bill: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!" Two days later. Bill to Doug: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but she sure isn't better than your wife." A woman teacher asked a zoo keeper during a zoo visit with her 4th grade class, "What is the difference between the North American porcupine and the African porcupine ?" "The principal difference between them Miss," the attendant replied, "is that the North American species has a longer prick." The teacher fled in distress and anger to the Administration Building where the Chief Curator attempted to mollify her. "I apologize for my staff Miss." he said. "It was an unfortunate choice of terms. What the keeper should have told your children is that the North American porcupine has a longer quill. "Their pricks are exactly the same size."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, November 30, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. A surprising coincidence was that both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth; so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite okay," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful," replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're scaly and slimy, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be a politician." It was nearly 7 o'clock when an employee walked into a restaurant after working overtime for a demanding and demeaning supervisor. As he was being led to his table, he noticed his supervisor at another table arguing with the waiter about his order. Finally, the waiter turned and headed toward the bar.As he was returning to the supervisor's table with a drink, the employee stopped him saying, "Here's $20.00 if you will spit in that drink." With a somewhat puzzled look, the waiter replied, "Again?" 
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member". After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just take the racquet out of your mouth and use your hand." A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma." One day Little Johnny's teacher decided to play a spelling game where she gave a letter of the alphabet and the kids have to spell a word starting with that letter and then use it in a sentence. Starting with A Little Johnny's hand is continually in the air, but the teacher ignores him, because she afraid he'll be rude again. "Yes, Susan?" says the teacher. "Miss, A is for Ape, A-P-E, An ape likes bananas" says Susan. "Excellent " says the teacher, she goes on through the alphabet. Finally she reach F. Now she will NOT let Little Johnny answer this under any circumstances so she asks Mary. "F is for Fairy F-A-I-R-Y, they're little girls who live among the flowers" says Mary. "Great" says the teacher, "now we get to G." Suddenly only Little Johnny has his hand up so the teacher thinks about this and decides G is a 'safe' one. "Yes Johnny?" "Miss G is for Gnome G-N-O-M-E. A Gnome lives among the flowers too." "Little Johnny ! That's Excellent!" exclaims the teacher, being very happy that for once he wasn't out of line. "Yes Miss he's the one who fucks the Fairies!" replies Little Johnny. California Department of Transportation's driving school: Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Somebody else's car. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Heavy psychedelics. Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, your nane is Mr... Leon Shitferbrains, is it?" Leon: "Yes, your honor." Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, Mr. Shitferbrains?" Leon: " Melvin, your honor."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, November 29, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man is walking along a California beach when he stumbles across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie! The genie says, "OK, OK! You released me from the lamp, blah, blah,blah. This is the fourth time this month and I am getting sick and tired of granting all these wishes, so you can forget about three. You only get ONE wish!" The man sits down on the sand and thinks about it for a while. Finally he says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared of flying and I get very sea sick. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there?" "That's impossible!" shrieks the genie. "Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?! Think of how much concrete that would take, how much steel! No! No way! Think of another wish!" He thinks for a long time and says I've been married and divorced four times and all of my wives has said that I don't care and that I am insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they are crying...know what they really want when they say "nothing"...know how to truly make them happy.... The genie says, "Do you want two lanes or four on that stupid bridge?" A woman goes to the Doctors with a very embarrassing disfigurement. "Will you promise not to laugh", she asks the Doc. "I promise" says the Doc. So she takes her blouse off and exposes one large ample breast right in the middle of her chest. To which the Doc burst into fits of laughter. "I knew you'd laugh, I just knew it ", cried the woman, so she lifted her arm and pissed on him. 
A Texan and his wife were on a trip to New York. She had just finished showering to dress for dinner and noticed that she had neglected to pack her bras. She asked her husband to go down to the dress shop in the lobby and pick up a couple of 36-C bras. He said, "Ah'l go down raht now." So he put on his ten gallon hat and went to the shop. The saleslady said, "May I help you sir?" When he told her that he wanted two 36-C bras, she asked, "Would you like two Playtex?" He answered, "Ah'd luv ta little lady but mah wife's a'waitin fur me up in tha room." Military vocabulary If your daughter comes home on leave and sprouts weird acronyms, that the women in Military are encouraged to use, instead of the full phrases, when they are amongst civilians, here is a translation: figmo - fuck it, got my orders fubab - fucked up beyond all belief fubar - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair fumtu - fucked up more than usual snafu - situation normal, all fucked up tarfu - things are really fucked up janfu - joint army-navy fuckup. gfu - general fuck-up samfu - self-adjusting military fuck-up sapfu - surpassing all previous fuck-ups susfu - situation unchanged, still fucked-up WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual Two mothers were talking about a third one who had just given birth to triplets. "You know, that only happens one in twelve-thousand times?" said the one. "Amazing! How did she ever find time to do any housework?" A big Texan took a job out of state. The company required him to have a physical before starting work. The Texan was in the waiting room when a beautiful woman called him in. The woman asked him to remove his clothes and put on a gown. The Texan complied, when he took off his shirt the woman exclaimed... "My, you sure have big shoulders" The Texan replied "ma'am, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his pants, the woman exclaimed... "My you sure have big legs" The Texan replied "ma'am, I'm from Texas, everything in Texas is big" When the Texan removed his underwear, the woman was flabbergasted, and decided to sample his manhood. As she was bent over the table the Texan asked, "Ma'am, what part of Texas did you say you were from ?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, November 28, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Arthur. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night. "I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn." Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney, by double registered mail. He then went up to visit his friend Arthur and said, "Arthur, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at 9 months ago?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?" "Yes, I have to admit that I did." "Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Arthur's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did." "Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!" Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began, "and you gave $50 to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?" "Well, it sure would be no orgy!" Johnny answered, "Helen, my girlfriend, would bust my skull for that!" 
Large version for pasting onto store doors and lamp posts
One day there was a big lady swimming in the surf and just as she got close to the beach a big breaker tumbled her. When she stood up to wade ashore, she noticed that she had lost her top. She thought that no one would notice if she covered herself with her arms and ran over to her towel. So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as she approached her towel. Just then a little boy came running up to her and said, "Hey, lady!" "What?" asked the startled lady. "If you're going to drown those puppies, can I have the one one with the cute little brown nose?" One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.... "I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!" "I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that here. No, no they don't!" "I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!" "But if you fuck one goat......." A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel: "An intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'" "See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him." She wasn't selected for the jury.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, November 27, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age 5, no Easter Bunny at 6, and no Tooth Fairy at 7. And if you're going to tell me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!" Austin was flying home and listening to the flight attendant do the "safety speech" thing. Since it was a red-eye, she said the cabin lights would be dimmed. "If you need additional light, note that pressing the button with the light will turn on your personal overhead light." Then, very serious, "Please also be aware that pushing the stewardess button will NOT turn the stewardess on." 
Two men were sitting at a bar recounting their dreams. "I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream." "I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life." His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?" "Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing." "What did you do this summer?" the teacher asked Suzie. "Me and my family went to the beach a lot," Suzie answered. "That sounds like fun," said the teacher. "How about you, Emma? What did you do this summer?" "Me and my family rode our bikes together." "That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her pupils until she got to shy Mikey in the corner of the room. "What did you do this summer, Mikey?" "Nothing," the boy responded timidly. "Did you do anything with your family?" the teacher asked, try to draw Mikey out. "Yes." "Did you go to the beach?" "No." "Did you ride bikes?" "No, never!" the boy burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!" "Why not?" said the shocked teacher. "I don't know," explained Mikey, "but dad always said, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town." A group of fellows always enjoyed their game of golf, but one of the boys was having trouble seeing the ball. His friends kept telling him he needed glasses. Finally, he bought himself a pair, and his game improved 100%. Back in the clubroom, they were talking over a few beers. "You're playing better since you got your glasses," one said. "You're right, I look down, and the ball's as big as a basketball, just can't miss it now," he said. After a few more beers, he said. "Gotta go to the toilet; be back in a minute." When he came back, the front of his trousers was all wet. "Gee, what happened to you?" his friends asked. "I don't know," he replied. "I got in there, pulled it out, and it looked too big to be mine, so I put it back
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, November 26, 2009 Happy Thanksgiving Day to you, if you are in the US. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A little dwarf lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, it's really bad whenever it rains," she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later its raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please, you have to help me!!" "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit." The dwarf lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great, Doc, what did you do?!" To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots." ------------ Those were the good old days! Today the doctor would diagnose it as diabetes, prescribe all kinds of drugs and lab tests and further appointments. Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society. "So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what you might do once you're released?" The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experience here in the hospital, what it's like to be a patient here. People might be interested in reading a book like that. Some of the new treatments and medications have developed in recent years. And the classes in life skills and using computers and connecting with people on the internet have helped me feel more real and in touch with the world. In addition, I thought I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested in lately, or maybe website design." Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing possibilities." The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can continue being a teapot and post stuff to Yahoo groups." 
Barbie cheating on Ken
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man. "It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!" A man on a business trip went to a singles bar, approached two ladies, and offered either of them two hundred dollars to spend the night with him. One girl stormed out in a rage, but the other remained cool, calm... and collected. Leroy's wife went to the bank and applied for a loan. "I want a loan, I'm going to divorce Leroy." "Oh, we don't give loans for divorces" the manager says "We make loans for appliances, automobiles, businesses, home improvements...." Leroy's wife interrupts and says "Well, getting rid of that turkey is definitely going to be a 'Home Improvement.'
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, November 25, 2009 Happy Thanksgiving Day to you, if you are in the US. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Also known as 'women's intuition,' this sixth sense thing is no myth. Women usually seem to know what's going on in their man's lives almost better than they do themselves. Why is this? They empty his pockets before throwing his laundry into the washing machine. Money It can buy a House...............But not a Home It can buy a Bed.................But not Sleep It can buy a Clock...............But not Time It can buy you a Book............But not knowledge It can buy you a Position........But not Respect It can buy you Medicine..........But not Health It can buy you Blood.............But not Life It can buy you Sex...............But not Love So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because........... I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.............. So send me all your money.......... And I will suffer for you. CASH, VISA, Mastercard and PayPal only, please! Thought this was gonna be one of those "inspirational" ones, didn't you???? 
This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was fixed for swimming when it was built. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!" Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!" The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!" "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies. With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got!" The flight was coming into Dallas when a combination of mechanical errors and unstable weather caused the plane to start plummeting to the ground! The pilot feverishly worked his controls, and finally, the engines roared back to life in time to prevent the plane from going splat on the ground! As the plane landed, airport officials rushed to the disembarking gate and were stunned to see 200 midgets shakily get off the plane. Finally the crew got off the plane and the local manager of the airline came up to congratulate him on his perseverance under extreme odds. As the official and the pilot were talking, the official commented how unusual it was that there were so many midgets on the flight. "Those weren't midgets," the pilot replied. Those are regular Texans but it seems I somehow scared the crap out of them."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's TUesday, November 24, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Hector was married to a much younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, on the day after his 50th birthday party, he had a heart attack. His doctor, who was about the same age as his wife, advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation. One night, after several days, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die." She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!" Arthur came home after a late-night poker game and was greeted by Sandra, his nagging, sourpussed wife. "And just where have you been all night?," sandra screeched at him. "Playing cards," says Arthur, "but that's not important. What matters is that I lost you to Bubba Smith." "Lost me!!" Sandra screamed, "How did you manage that?" "It was a heartbreaker," Michael admitted. "I had to fold with a royal flush." 
The Texas teeny-bopper told a classmate, "I'll let you do it for $20 - - $10 to put it in and $10 to take it out." The boy quickly agreed. The couple went into the woods, and the young thang slipped off her panties and laid back. The boy slipped in his erection and handed her a $10 bill. And then, when he was finished, he handed her another $10 and she released him. The next week, he requested her again, and she agreed. This time, he handed her the $10 then, when he had finished, he just lay there. After about 10 minutes, she said "OK, Billy!Take it out now." He continued to lie there and said, "I can't -- I don't have any more money." Roy was extolling the virtues of his new girlfriend. In fact, she was so perfect in every way that he'd asked her to marry him, and she accepted. Why, he was the luckiest man in the entire universe. "I'm really happy for you, Roy," his best friend assured him. "And what did you say this paragon's name is?" "Betty Jo," replied Roy, a look of pure happiness coming over his face at the mere mention of her name. "Betty Jo Bronowski." "Not Betty Jo Bronowski!" yelled his buddy. "Roy, you can't be serious about marrying her. She's slept with every man in Poughkeepsie!" A frown passed over Roy's face as he reflected briefly. "Heck," he responded, "Poughkeepsie's not such a big town." From 20 to 30 if a man lives right, its once in the morning and twice at night. From 30 to 40 if he still lives right, he missing a morning and sometimes a night. From 40 to 50, its just now and then. From 50 to 60, its heavens knows when. From 60 to 70 he's slightly declined, but don't let him kid you, its STILL on his mind!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com | |||
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