Good Morning 
It's Friday,  May 29, 2009


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The moon shown silver on the waters of
the lake and the waves that were beating
on the shore were hardly equal in intensity
to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for
the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I
the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone, upon answering, was slightly
more than irritable.

"Of course you are!" she said, "and the
best, too--I don't know why all men always
ask the same old ridiculous questions."





A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he was a little
embarrassed to tell his wife that he had
spoken on sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with
the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised
about the subject matter, as he's only tried
it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and the second time he
fell off."
 

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that
he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it
has to be her."

"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the
same symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."


A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical,
he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every
therapy known to man for his migraines and still no
improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice
I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in
medical school, but it's advice that I've got from my own
experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub,
and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into
the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself
to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is
immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me
in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've
had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone
has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice
house."


Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband
was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend
Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the
driveway. She yelled at Ralph,

"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my
husband is home early!".

Ralph looked out the window and said,

"I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out
there.".

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will
kill both of us!".

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.
When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of
a marathon race, so he started running along side the
others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the
nude?".

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels
so free having the air blow over your skin while you are
running.".

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying
your clothes on your arm?".

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get
dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when
you run?".

Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".



 Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite
trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured
myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band
when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the
house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got
pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin,
silky hair and was very healthy ... but the wife got pregnant yet
again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but
still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise
me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over
your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that
didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a
right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across
the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried
it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  May 28, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked
Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's boob." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it is, but not much use in a fight!"





A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be
a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his
sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and
says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies
sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in my car.
 

Jud ran into Mickey yesterday. He had been down for a few days with
the flu. Jud asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks," replied
Mickey. "You know, it was a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful?" asked Jud. "How can the flu be wonderful?" "Well," said
Mickey, "I learned that Jeni really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out
to meet them. 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her
telling them."


A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"


John finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He really needs to
have sex, so he goes to the local brothel and tells the lady at the
desk, "Give me your best whore!"
She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and says, "That'll be
five
hundred dollars, please."
The man says, "Oh, I don't have that much."
The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up Monica! That'll be two
hundred dollars, please."
The guy says, "I don't have that much."
So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Katrina! That'll be
fifty
dollars, please."
The guy says, "Oh, I don't have that much."
So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?"
He says "Fifty cents."
So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"



A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The
pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a
vibrator!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  May 27, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,
magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman,
then, POW! It was all gone!"
"What happened?," asked the friend.
"My wife found out."





Little Johnny sneaks up behind a girl and yells: "BOO!"
"Hey!" exclaims the girl, you scared me half out of my pants!"
Johnny responds: "BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!"
 

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a
fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the
counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about
this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and
can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop
it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the
sound it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops
it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium
action - $15."
Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.
"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used
with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady feels the gasses
produced by the beans at lunch to rumble and escape,  but
feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has
no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and
$2 for the stinkfish bait."


A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was 
anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed 
cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the 
brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and 
announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked 
my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. 
"And then what did she do?"

"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his
question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old
gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

"Eighty six".."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation 
how a man can live to eighty six" and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. 
"It's easy. I simply just outlived the SOBs, 
and the B's."



A female reporter was conducting an interview with
a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do
you have any idea what might be the cause of the
disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows
once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but
what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the
point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your
tits twice a day, but only lay you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad, too?


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  May 25, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed with the
Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of cigarettes.
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?"
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the wife
is fine also as I left her in bed smoking."
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to love 'em!"





Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.
"I jus wanna get weighed," said Kim.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120
pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a
prize. Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the
ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to
do. "I jus wanna get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been
there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost
his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked
where to next.
"I jus wanna get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe
figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date,
"How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
 

 Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head
covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived
without her head covering. The priest informs her she cannot enter
without it.

A few moments later, the lady reappears, wearing her blouse tied to
her head. The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to 
enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."
"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.
"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must
wear a blouse to enter this church."

---
Fuddy-Duddy!


 A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
        She let herself go
    For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.



A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but
the man was always after his wife to quit smoking.

One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he
said, "You really ought to quit."

Getting tired of his nagging, she said, "I really enjoy a
good cigarette after sex."

He replied, "But they stunt your growth."

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

Smiling and dropping her gaze to his groin, she said, 
"So, what's your excuse?"


A college professor had just finished explaining an important
research project to her class.

Shee emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for
passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable
excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness 
or a death in the student's immediate family.

A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved
his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual
exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the class finally settled down, the professor gave
the student a long, appraising look.  "Well,"  she responded,
"I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 24, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Woman's Quote of the Day:
"Men are like fine wine.
They all start out like grapes,
and it's our job to stomp on them
and keep them in the dark until they mature into something
with which you'd like to have dinner with."

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day:
"Women are like fine wine.
They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind
and then turn full-bodied with age
until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache."





Seen on a T-shirt:
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -
Do You Want Fries With That?"
 

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and
fell
in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS. After a whirlwind
courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the
weekend at her parents' home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a
circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners,
etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival.

It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but
of the nobility. Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a
husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all. When the Yank
returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British
liaison officer's office, explained what had happened, and asked what
the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding. 
"At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, 
I would say, but a bit more elaborate. The big difference would be 
after the wedding. You will both have connecting rooms in the Claridge. 
You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, 
apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door 
connecting your two rooms. You will rap on the door. 
She will answer, 'yes,' and you will say, 'I offer you my
honor.' She will respond, 'I honor your offer.' That is your
permission to enter her room. 
After that, it's honor and offer all night."


Judge: "You say you're petitioning for a legal name change?"

Leroy: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: (looking at petition) "I can see why, 
Mr... Leroy Shitferbrains, is it?"

Leroy: "Yes, your honor."

Judge: "And what do you want to change your name to, 
Mr Shitferbrains?"

Leroy: "I want Barrack for my first name, your honor."


Lynn was nursing her baby in a public bathroom when a 
little girl and the girl's grandmother entered the room. 
"What's she doing, grandma?"
"Feeding her baby."
"How?"
"She's feeding her at her breast."
"Grandma, I saw Mommy feeding Daddy like that once. "



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD