Good Morning 
It's Friday,  January 30, 2009



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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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From Roland:
I saw a billboard yesterday that said:

Need help? Call Jesus.
1-800-555-HELP

Out of curiosity I did.
A Mexican showed up with a tow truck



No glass


The commanding officer of a regiment in the U. S. Army was 
about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and 
company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine 
to finish its brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question 
to all assembled. 

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night 
before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. 
He posed the question of just how much of sex was 'work' 
and how much of it was 'pleasure?' 

The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in 
favor of work. 

A captain said it was 50-50%. The colonel's aide responded 
with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of 
inebriation at the time. 

There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private 
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? 

Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded, 'Sir, it has 
to be 100% pleasure!! 

The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why? 

Well, sir, 'if there was any work involved at all, 
the officers would have me doing it for them.' 


A man took a young woman to an X-rated movie, purchased some
refreshments and showed his date to her seat. Soon after the onscreen
action started, she put her hand on the man's lap. Looking over at him, she
remarked: "I see this is getting you excited. But how come it's so cold?"
"Because you are petting my popsicle!" the man replied....


Three women were returning to their village when they spotted a man,
obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them. As they watched him
stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to
him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him. However,
his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his
pants. She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."

The second woman, peering over her shoulder, agreed, "You're right, he's
not your husband."

The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look
and said, "He's not even from our village."


I am reminded of a real life incident of about 10 years ago. I was
working in a wall street investment bank when someone from the
information technology group came by our office asking us to enter our
passwords in the new software system.
My colleague Barry with his usual rebellious attitude entered the
password "Penis".
We all fell on the floor with laugher when the computer replied: 
*** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT  ***





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  January 29, 2009

No Gullible Warming yet. It seems all that BS reset the cycles
back to 1971 or 72. Snow men are definitely not worried about
melting, and the snow removal guys are buying extra trucks.

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like 
each other much. It was -30 degrees and Bob and Joe had 
nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of booze on
who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare 
butt.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob, 
"What are you doing?" 

Bob explained and she said, "Come on, you will only freeze 
your butt off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet. Then his wife got 
an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other 
way." Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap 
and traded places with Bob. 

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him, 
"What are you doing?" 
Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!" 

"You are crazy come on in."
"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. 
Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"





A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo. They are standing in front
of the big silver back gorillas cage when one woman makes a gesture that
the gorilla interprets as an invitation.
He grabs her, yanks her over the fence, and takes her to his nest in the
pen. There he ravishes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2
hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her
friend, deeply concerned, visits her the next day. "Are you hurt?" she
asks.
She replies, "Of course I'm hurt! He hasn't called! He hasn't written!"


"Dear Dad," read the young soldier's first letter home. "I cannot tell
you where I am, but yesterday I shot a polar bear..." 

Several months later came another letter: "Dear Dad, I still cannot 
tell you where I am, but yesterday I danced with a hula girl" 

Two weeks later came yet another note: 
"Dear Dad, I still cannot tell you where I am, but yesterday the 
doctor told me I should have danced with the polar bear
and shot the hula girl."


A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about 
his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over 
and slices off the man's pecker.

        Angrily the woman tosses the pecker out the
window of the car. Driving behind the car is a fella in a 
pickup truck with his 6 year old daughter chatting away 
beside him.

        All of the sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup
in the windshield and flies off.
        Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy
what was that?" 

Not wanting to expose his 6 year old daughter to sex at 
such a tender age, the father replies,  
"It was only a bug, honey."

        The daughter gets a confused look on her face,
and after a minute she says "Sure had a big dick!"


Mrs. Culpepper was almost in tears. "Oh, Marie," she said to 
her maid, "I believe my husband is having an affair with his 
secretary." 

"I don't believe it," snapped Marie. "You're just saying that to 
make me jealous."





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  January 28, 2009



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

An elderly couple were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Greg noticed something funny about Keli's ear and he said,
"Keli, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"
Keli answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled it out and
stared at it. Then she said, "Greg, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I know why my farts sound so loud."





"Mummy, tomorrow I have an oral exam. One question the teacher will
ask me is "who made you?" What shall I say?" asked Little Johnny.
"Say God made you." replied his mother.
The next day, when the question came up, poor Little Johnny forgot what
his mother had said, so he explained,
"Teacher, until yesterday I was sure it was my father who made me.
But then my mother said it was someone else -
but I can't remember who it was."


Parking in the driveway after their first date, Roger leaned over and gave
Linda a passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly
and pulled her hand towards it.
Furious, Linda opened the door and jumped out of the car.
"I've got just two words for you," she screamed. "Drop dead!"
And I've got just two words for you," Roger screamed back.
"Let go!"


Young O'Donnell rushed into the church in Killarney, placed his rifle 
under a pew and entered the confessional. 
"Father," he said breathlessly, "I've just shot down two British lieutenants!" 
Hearing no response he went on: "I also knocked off a British captain!" 
When there was still no response from the priest, O'Donnell said, 
"Father, have ye fainted?" 
"Of course I haven't fainted," replied the confessor. 
"I'm waitin' for you to stop talkin' politics and start confessin' your sins!"





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  January 27, 2009



Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear that
word one more time, I'll quit!"

Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the
old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.

About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town
and seemed very concerned. The priest said,
"You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When
people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest
about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an
accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about, your own wife fell three times this
week already, and your daughter fell twice!"





A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a
secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say
no to everything."
"Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?"
"No," the girl replied.
"Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?"
"N-n-no," the girl stammered.
"You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on
the level about this."


George was driving down the street with his new "Lady Friend".
"Where are you taking me?" she asked.
"I know a nice little Motel just down the road a ways" he replied.
"Save your money, just get a bottle of Scotch and we can park at the
local "Lovers Lane" down at the beach" she said.
So they got the Scotch and settled down to some drinking and some
loving.
After a few hours, our man was feeling rather "Limp" so he said " I am
just going to stretch my legs and get some fresh air. I will be back in
a little while".
"OK, Leave the bottle" was the only reply.
As George walks down the street he meets Ron, one of his workmates.
After shooting the breeze for a few minutes, Ron asks him what he is
doing walking the streets at this time of night.
George told him about the lady he was with and how he could not keep it
up to her.
"I wish I had half your luck" said Ron,
"My wife won't have anything to do with me lately".
George says to Ron "Look it is pretty dark down there, why don't you
just get in the car and she will think that it is me coming back, you
will be right ".
Ron goes over to the car, gets in the back and is soon hard at it.
Shortly after this, a light shines into the car, there is a knock on the
window and a burly policeman says "What is going on here".
Says Ron "Its all right Officer, it is only me and my wife" "I'm sorry
sir" replied the policeman, "I didn't know". Says Ron "Neither did I
until you shone the light on her"


A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came
home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did.
"Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my
bed, I called out, 'Is that you, Jim ?' And that cured him."
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com 

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  January 26, 2009

When driving at night at -20, turn the heater off for the last 5 miles.
And the extra driving lights too. Otherwise your battery might not
be full enough to start the car at -25 the next morning.

Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder.

Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A young family moved into a house next door to a
vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up
to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 6 year old daughter naturally
took an interest in all the  activity going on next
door and started talking with the workers. She
hung around and eventually the construction crew
- gems in the rough all of them  - more or less
adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They
chatted with  her, let her sit with them while they
had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave  her little
jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week they even presented
her with a pay envelope containing $5.00. The little
girl took this home to her mother who said all the
appropriate words of admiration and suggested
that they take her $5.00 pay to the bank the next
day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally
impressed with the story and asked the little girl
how she had come by her very own pay check at
such  a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I've been working
with a crew building a  house all week".

"My goodness gracious", said the teller, "and will
you be working on the house again this week too"?

"I will if those @#$%^& at the lumber yard ever bring us 
the &^%$# bricks", replied the little girl.





Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy
says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" The other
guy answers, "Not too good. Every time the misses and I have
sex, she loses interest halfway through. It's very
frustrating. "

The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what
you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a
cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started
to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol.
It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and
couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!"

The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first
guy says,how did you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says,"Don't talk to me about starter pistols!
Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost
interest half way through,so I fired the bloody starter
pistol, just like you said."

The first guy says, " So??? What happened?"
The other guy says, "So.... she bit me, crapped on my face,
and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "


You should have SEX on days that begin with T:

    Thanksgiving,
    Tuesday,
    Thursday,
    Today,
    Tomorrow,
    Thaturday,
    Thunday


A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty
young thing in her short, pink mini dress. Using the time honored
ice breaker, he sends her a drink.

"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next
to him. They strike up a wonderful conversation.

Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a
really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl.
I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of
me with liquor."

He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you
were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go
nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture,
and just plain destroy the place."

"Oh my God!  How long does that last?" she asked.

"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back!" he replied.





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com