Good Morning 
It's Friday,  July 31, 2009
Whoever it was that prayed for Gullible Warming to go away,
needs to be found, and stopped. This is ridiculous!
I just heard the furnace kick in.

This weekend I am going shopping for a snow blower. Maybe
then the climate will warm up.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


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Oh Doctor!" said the young lady prior to her surgery, "Will the scar
show? "

"Not in church, madam," replied the doctor, "but anywhere else, it's
entirely up to you......"





Cute fridge magnet



A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just
taken to work. The little girl asks, "Why do you call your
secretary a doll?" Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man
explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working
girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the
computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she
closes her eyes when you lay her down."


Lena and Sven got married in St. Paul. They planned to honeymoon in
Lena's aunt's cabin in Duluth. They caught a bus that was filled with
deer hunters.


About 30 minutes out of St. Paul the bus broke down right next to a
nice hotel. Sven said to Lena, "Lena, there's a comfortable hotel right
here. How about consummating our marriage?"

Lena replied, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The repaired bus took off. Fifty miles down the road it broke down
again. This time it was next to a good looking motel.

Sven turned to Lena and asked, "Look Lena. There's a nice motel. Can
ve consummate our marriage?"

Lena said, "No. I vant to wait till ve get to Duluth."

The bus was repaired and off they went. Ten miles down the road the
bus broke down. This time they were our in the woods. However, there 
was a little clearing out of the sight of the bus.

Lena turned to Sven, "I tink ve should go back into the voods and do it."

Later when they returned the bus, Sven asked Lena, "Earlier ve vere
next to a nice hotel and you said "No". Then, ve vere by a motel and
you said "No". 
But, here ve vent out into the grassy voods and did it. Why?"

Lena said, "I vas listening to the hunters. They said if the bus broke
down again, the fucking season vould be over."


There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink,
as you probably think,
it was grey had long ears and ate grass


One fine summer morning in Dodge City, Chester
the deputy woke up with a huge erection. Not
knowing what to do, he consulted Marshall Dillon.
"Marshall, Marshall...", said Chester, "I woke
up with a hard-on and don't know whut ta do!!".
Marshall Dillon tells Chester "Well, go out to
the stables and shovel manure for a while and
that should take care of it."
So Chester begins shoveling. After a while, Miss
Kitty comes walking by and asks "Chester, what
are you doing?".
"Well, Miss Kitty, I woke up with a hard-on and
I didn't know whut ta do wid it. Marshall Dillon
told me to come out chere and shovel manure for
a while."
Raising her dress enough to expose herself Miss
Kitty exclaims "Why don't you just stick it in
here, Chester?"
Chester says "The whole shovel full, Miss Kitty??"



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 » Toygers




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: 

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 30, 2009

Looks like July is not going out like a lamb.
More like a Polar Bear. I think I will invest in a snow blower before
their prices go up.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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Q: What's the only thing divorce proves?
A: Whose mother was right in the first place.






A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was
always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up
after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." 

She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette 
after sex." 

He replied, "But they stunt your growth." 

She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. 

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his dick, and said, "So,
what's your excuse?"



There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it.


Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about
those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that." She
continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are
going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going
to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to
like that, but don't let him do that. But, the most
important, point is if he is going to try to get on top of
you and have his way with you don't let him do that. It will
disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on
her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went
just as the way she adviced. She said, "Grandmother, I
didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned
him over, got on top of him and disgraced HIS family."


Tammy was out driving her car and while stopped at a red
light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and
the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the
car directly behind her started honking his horn
continuously as Tammy continued to try getting the car to
start up again.

Finally Tammy gets out of her car and approaches the guy
in the car behind her.

"I can't seem to get my car started," Tammy said, smiling.
"Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get
it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and honk your 
horn for you."


John and Paul went to the fair. They came across a small
crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a
look.

"What's going on?" John asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco
machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking
machine. "No body has managed to stay on for the full
8 seconds yet. And there's a prize of $100 for anybody
who can.

"I can do that," Paul said confidently.

"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you
try and ride that thing," said John.

"Watch this," said Paul and climbed aboard the bronco
machine.

The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to
side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Paul
clung to its back. After four seconds the machine was
bucking almost vertically and spinning until Paul was a
blur. But when the 8 seconds were up Paul was still
on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries
from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his
winnings and rejoined John.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like
that?" John asked.

"Remember three months ago," Paul said. "When my wife had
whooping cough...!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter

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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 29, 2009

What's with this October weather in July?
Have all the politicians gone on vacation left no hot air behind?

It sure feels weird walking with a fall chill in the air, and all the
leaves are still green. Lawns are still green too, not the
usual dry brown they normally have by the end of July.
I heard it's nice and warm in Arizona, though. The Global
Cooling doesn't seem to affect them much, so far.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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From Bob
My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the
bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts
like yours?"

My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although
breasts come in all shapes and sizes".

My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting
out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"






My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he
announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander.  
We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable 
about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant.  
After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said,
"Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns."



A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends
was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came
home around 11:30 PM.

One night she decided to try not to disturb him. She
undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed
nude into the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up
in bed reading.

"Now, what?!!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"


Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, 
Doug bought her a lovely bouquet of roses.

Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband 
received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers.

"I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend 
the weekend on my back with my legs spread."

"Why?" asked young Doug, "Don't we have a vase...?"


The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full
lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The
handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his
steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze
measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. 

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released 
her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed
his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her
through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never
dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability
to satisfy her every need.

Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone
unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was
within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought,
"It's too big! - it will never fit!" 

Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only 
for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his 
steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't 
be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. 
She would want to do it again and again and again............

DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  July 28, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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    A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a
    glass of champagne.
    The woman perked up and said, 'How about that?  I just ordered a glass
    of champagne, too!'

    'What a coincidence' the farmer said.  'This is a special day for me. I
    am celebrating.'

    'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the
    woman.

    ''What a coincidence!' said the farmer.

    As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?'
    'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my
    gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

    'What a coincidence!' said the man.  'I'm a chicken farmer and for years
    all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.'

    'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

    'I used a different cock,' he replied.

    The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.







The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me
the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I 
found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."

The doc asked, "What's his occupation?"

The girl said, "Army."

"Active or retired?"

"If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?"


Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. 
She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the 
room, jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. 

The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary
up and says, " How was  your date last night?"

"It was alright, I guess."

"It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties
are still stuck to the ceiling."


An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my
druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check 
the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back.  "And since when does a
druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control
pills since February."


The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with
a "little" stowed away rum.  Unfortunately he got drunk and was 
still drunk the next morning.  The captain entry in the ship's log: 
"The first mate was drunk today."

"Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate
said.  "This could add months or years to my becoming a 
captain myself."

"Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer.

"Yes, its true" the mate said.

"Then if it is true it has to go in the log.  That's the rule. If its
true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly.

Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries.
The first mate wrote: 
"The ship seems in good shape.  The captain was sober today."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Monday,  July 27, 2009




Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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The pastor, speaking to the younger priest,
said, "I know you were reaching out to the young
people when you had bucket seats put in to replace
the first four pews. It worked. We got the front
of the church filled first."
   The young priest nodded and the old one continued,
"And, you told me a little more beat to the music
would bring young people back to church, so I
supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll
gospel choir that packed us to the balcony."
   "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?"
   "Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've
gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
   But Father," protests the young priest. "My
confessions have nearly doubled since I began
that!"
   "I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or
Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."






I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he 
spends every evening at home.”

“That’s what I call love.”

“Well, his doctor says it’s paralysis.”.



A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

"No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of
thing."

"I'll increase your fee two times," he said.

"No, no thanks!!"

"I'll give five times as much as you normally get."

"Okay," said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my
socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."


I have to tell the truth," Gary said to Nina. "While we've been
dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist."

"Don't worry about it," said Nina. "I've been secretly seeing a
lawyer and a car salesman."


Having just finished reading a story to my sixth-grade class, I
decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the 
vocabulary that had been used.
"Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" I asked.

Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand.

After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint:
"Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not."

Finally one boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very 
soft voice said, "Virgins?"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD