Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  May 31, 2009

Picked my first rhubarb of the year!
Cubed it and a sweet apple and an over ripe banana
and boiled it a bit for a chunky and tart pancake topping.
Spring has sprung!


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

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John's idea about women!
"Women, to me, are nothing but sex objects, whenever I
mention sex, they object."
--------------
That's right John. In your case I don't blame them one bit.





A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as
on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the
man explains: "Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with
my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing happened. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing
happened. Then her left, but nothing happened. She even tried
with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth
out and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady
next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too,
but nothing happened."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor too?"

The old man replied, "yes, but inspite of all these effort
we couldn't get the DARN jar open!"
 

Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce
       from Minnie.

Mickey (stunned): Why not?

Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the
       court, but I can't find any evidence at all to
       support the grounds that she is crazy.

Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy.
      I said she was FUCKING Goofy!


A panhandling bum is walking along in the theater district just around
matinee time.

The streets are crowded with people rushing to get in to their shows.
The bum sees a well dressed man walking along and goes up to him and
asks,
"Sir, can I borrow a quarter?"

The man stops and says in a very dignified tone, "Neither a borrower
nor a lender be! - William Shakespeare."

The bum looks back at the man and says, 
"Up yours, you cheap bastard -
Darryl Johnson."


One day, when Little Johnny was about 6 years old, he and his father
went to look at some puppies.  When he came home, he ran up to his mom
and informed her that there were four puppies. 3 were boys and 1 was a
girl.

His mother was impressed and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

"Well," says Little Johnny "The girl was brown colored, but all the
boys were black."

"You dummy, how did the color tell you if they were male or
female?" asked his big sister.

Exasperated, Little Johnny retorted, "The color doesn't tell you,
micro-bimbo, the black ones had peckers."



Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  May 30, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman entered a pawn shop and asked
to see a pistol. She then asked for some
bullets. Loading the gun, she ordered the
pawnbroker to empty out the cash register.
But then she said,
"I have an even greater urge. Get into the
back room!"
There she ordered him to disrobe, and
began having sex with him. She got so
involved and excited, that she dropped the
gun.
"For God sakes, lady, pick it back up. My
wife is due to show up any time now, and if
she thinks I am fooling around for fun, then
we are both dead!"





 A hippie was walking down the street one day when a pixie fell on
him.
"Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two
wishes. What will the first one be?"

The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending
joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized
joint.

The hippie lights it up and starts puffing. After five hits, the joint
is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?"

The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"
 

 The attractive wife told her husband she was going on vacation with a
girlfriend, but she really went with her long time wealthy lover, who
gave her a beautiful $10,000 mink coat. But she couldn't bring it home
so she figured a way. She pawned the mink coat. She came home and told
her husband she had found a pawn ticket, which was really the pawn
ticket to her mink coat; and she asked her husband to find out what
had been pawned. 

Her husband returned and told his wife it was a cheap men's watch, 
and gave it to her.

The next day his secretary was wearing a $10,000 mink coat.


Three Nuns are involved in a fatal car accident, and they arrive
together at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter greets them, and
informs them that they each have to answer one question before he will
allow them to enter Heaven.
St. Peter asks the first nun, "Who built an ark to keep the animals
safe during The Great Flood?" 
She replies, "Noah!". 
Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.

St. Peter asks the second nun, "Who tempted Adam and Eve to eat the
forbidden fruit in The Garden of Eden?" 
She replies, "That blasted serpent!" 
Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.
St. Peter asks the third nun, "What were Eve's first words to Adam?"

She thinks for a few minutes, and says, "Boy, that's a hard one!".
Bells begin to ring and the gates of Heaven open.



 A very young couple exhibiting signs of extreme nervousness, timidly
approached the check-in desk of a large Manhattan hotel.

"Good evening, sir," said the official behind the desk, favoring the
young man with a perceptive wink. "Suite 16?"

"Oh, no!" the young man responded quickly. "She's eighteen."


I saw this 2007 Cadillac advertised privately for $49.95, so I
bought it without question and the lady seller gave me title
and a receipt.

Then I said, "Lady, I can't steal this car from you. It has a
retail of around $35,000."

"I know" she said. "It's loaded and my late husband paid
$39,000 for it just before he died. But in his will he left
instructions that it was to be sold, and the proceeds given to
his mistress. I can't wait to see her face when I give her the
$49.95."


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Friday,  May 29, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

The moon shown silver on the waters of
the lake and the waves that were beating
on the shore were hardly equal in intensity
to the waves of passion nearby.

One ardent couple paused long enough for
the young man to whisper, "Darling, am I
the first man to make love to you?"
Her tone, upon answering, was slightly
more than irritable.

"Of course you are!" she said, "and the
best, too--I don't know why all men always
ask the same old ridiculous questions."





A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on
sex. When he got home, he was a little
embarrassed to tell his wife that he had
spoken on sex, so he said he had
discussed horseback riding with
the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at
the shopping center and they
complimented her on the speech her
husband had made.
She said, "Yes, I heard. I was surprised
about the subject matter, as he's only tried
it twice. The first time he got so sore he
could hardly walk, and the second time he
fell off."
 

A worried father telephoned his family doctor and said that
he was afraid that his teenaged son had come down with V.D.
"He says he hasn't had sex with anyone but the maid, so it
has to be her."

"Don't worry so much," advised the doctor. "These things
happen."

"I know, doctor," said the father, "but I have to admit that
I've been sleeping with the maid also. I seem to have the
same symptoms."

"That's unfortunate."

"Not only that, I think I've passed it to my wife."

"Oh God," said the doc, "That means we all have it."


A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine
headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical,
he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every
therapy known to man for his migraines and still no
improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice
I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in
medical school, but it's advice that I've got from my own
experience.

When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub,
and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead.

This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into
the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself
to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is
immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me
in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've
had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone
has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice
house."


Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband
was at work. One day, she was in bed with her boyfriend
Ralph, when she heard her husband's car pull in the
driveway. She yelled at Ralph,

"Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my
husband is home early!".

Ralph looked out the window and said,

"I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out
there.".

Mary cried, "If my husband catches us in here, he will
kill both of us!".

So, Ralph grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window.
When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of
a marathon race, so he started running along side the
others, only he was still in the nude, carrying his
clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the
nude?".

Ralph answered, while gasping for air, "Oh yes, it feels
so free having the air blow over your skin while you are
running.".

Then another runner asked, "Do you always run carrying
your clothes on your arm?".

Ralph answered breathlessly, "Oh yes, that way I can get
dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home."

Then another runner asked, "Do you always wear a condom when
you run?".

Ralph answered, "Only when it rains.".



 Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are
numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite
trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured
myself doing the Cha-Cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band
when you get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?

A doctor suggested the safe period. At the time, we were living with
the in-laws and we had to wait 3 weeks for the safe period, when the
house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work, and the wife got
pregnant.

A lady of several years' experience said if we made love while breast
feeding we would be all right. Well, I finished up with clear skin,
silky hair and was very healthy ... but the wife got pregnant yet
again.

Another tale we heard was if the wife jumped up and down after
intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She slipped a disk but
still got pregnant again.

I asked the chemist about the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I
bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which did not surprise
me as I never did believe how stretching one of those things over
your thumb could prevent babies. We tried the coil next but that
didn't work. It had a left-hand screw and my wife is definitely a
right-hand screw.

The Dutch cap was next and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got
severe headaches when the only size available was too tight across
the forehead.

Eventually we tried the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried
it between her knees and I couldn't get anywhere near her.

You must appreciate my problems. If I can't have the operation I will
have to resort to oral sex, and I can't believe that talking about it
is any substitute for the real thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  May 28, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

"My God! What happened to you?" the bartender asked
Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised.
"He must have had something in his hand."
"Aye, that he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord! Didn't you have anything in YOUR hand?"
"Aye, that I did - Mrs. Riley's boob." Kelly said.
"And a beautiful thing it is, but not much use in a fight!"





A man is at work one day when he notices that his coworker
is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be
a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his
sudden change in "fashion sense." He walks up to him and
says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring." he replies
sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?"
"Er, ever since my wife found it in my car.
 

Jud ran into Mickey yesterday. He had been down for a few days with
the flu. Jud asked him how he was feeling. "I'm better, thanks," replied
Mickey. "You know, it was a wonderful experience."
"Wonderful?" asked Jud. "How can the flu be wonderful?" "Well," said
Mickey, "I learned that Jeni really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, she ran out
to meet them. 'My husband is home! My husband is home!' I could hear her
telling them."


A guy came home from work, "Honey, where are you?"
"I'm upstairs douching," his wife answered.
"I told you never to talk like that!" he yelled.
"What do you want," she called out, "good grammar or good taste?"


John finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He really needs to
have sex, so he goes to the local brothel and tells the lady at the
desk, "Give me your best whore!"
She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and says, "That'll be
five
hundred dollars, please."
The man says, "Oh, I don't have that much."
The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up Monica! That'll be two
hundred dollars, please."
The guy says, "I don't have that much."
So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Katrina! That'll be
fifty
dollars, please."
The guy says, "Oh, I don't have that much."
So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?"
He says "Fifty cents."
So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"



A woman walked into the pharmacy and asked for a vibrator. The
pharmacist gestured with his index finger and said, "Come this way."
The woman replied, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a
vibrator!"


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  May 27, 2009


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money,
magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman,
then, POW! It was all gone!"
"What happened?," asked the friend.
"My wife found out."





Little Johnny sneaks up behind a girl and yells: "BOO!"
"Hey!" exclaims the girl, you scared me half out of my pants!"
Johnny responds: "BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO BOO!"
 

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a
fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday.
A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the
counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am ?"
"Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about
this one?" she answers.
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and
can not see the rod your referring too. However, if you'll drop
it on the counter I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the
sound it makes."
The lady picks up the rod, and does what he says and drops
it on the counter.
He belts "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium
action - $15."
Lady - "Wow !" She finds another and does the same.
"Thats an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used
with ultralight tackle - $20."
Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one.

As the man is ringing up the sale, the lady feels the gasses
produced by the beans at lunch to rumble and escape,  but
feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has
no idea who she is.
Salesman says, "That'll be $25."
"TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS !? YOU SAID $20?"
"That's right mam, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call, and
$2 for the stinkfish bait."


A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was 
anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed 
cold and made no overtures of welcome. The mother of the 
brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and 
announced happily, "Mommy, the lady down the street asked 
my name today!"

"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. 
"And then what did she do?"

"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his
subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive
their enemies. About half held up their hands.

Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his
question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.

Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen minutes and repeated his
question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one old
gentleman in the rear.

"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

"I don't have any."

"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?

"Eighty six".."

"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation 
how a man can live to eighty six" and not have an enemy in the world."

The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. 
"It's easy. I simply just outlived the SOBs, 
and the B's."



A female reporter was conducting an interview with
a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do
you have any idea what might be the cause of the
disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows
once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but
what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the
point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your
tits twice a day, but only lay you once a year,
wouldn't you get mad, too?


Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD