Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Honk for you 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 30, 2009

Looks like July is not going out like a lamb.
More like a Polar Bear. I think I will invest in a snow blower before
their prices go up.

Enjoy!
Ophelia

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Q: What's the only thing divorce proves? A: Whose mother was right in the first place.

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really ought to quit." She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex." He replied, "But they stunt your growth." She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. Smiling and lifting her gaze to his dick, and said, "So, what's your excuse?"
There was a virgin who was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. But, the most important, point is if he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the way she adviced. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced HIS family."
Tammy was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car just died. It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her starting growing. The guy in the car directly behind her started honking his horn continuously as Tammy continued to try getting the car to start up again. Finally Tammy gets out of her car and approaches the guy in the car behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Tammy said, smiling. "Would you be a sweetheart and go and see if you can get it started for me. I'll stay here in your car and honk your horn for you."
John and Paul went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. "What's going on?" John asked one of the crowd. "We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "No body has managed to stay on for the full 8 seconds yet. And there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can. "I can do that," Paul said confidently. "You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing," said John. "Watch this," said Paul and climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Paul clung to its back. After four seconds the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Paul was a blur. But when the 8 seconds were up Paul was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd. He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined John. "Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" John asked. "Remember three months ago," Paul said. "When my wife had whooping cough...!"
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Again and again 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 29, 2009

What's with this October weather in July?
Have all the politicians gone on vacation left no hot air behind?

It sure feels weird walking with a fall chill in the air, and all the
leaves are still green. Lawns are still green too, not the
usual dry brown they normally have by the end of July.
I heard it's nice and warm in Arizona, though. The Global
Cooling doesn't seem to affect them much, so far.

Enjoy!
Ophelia

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From Bob My 6 year old daughter was looking at her mother lying on the bed and asked, "Mummy when I grew up will I have breasts like yours?" My wife tried to gently explain that, "Yes, probably, although breasts come in all shapes and sizes". My daughter immediately looked at her aghast, blurting out, "I'd absolutely HATE to have square ones!"

My brother Ken was home on leave from his post in Hawaii, when he announced that he had just been promoted to lieutenant commander. We were all pleased with the news, but some of us less knowledgeable about military rankings asked Ken to explain what the promotion meant. After several failed attempts to get us to understand, he sighed and said, "Before, I was Hawkeye Pierce, and now I'm Frank Burns."
A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 11:30 PM. One night she decided to try not to disturb him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. "Now, what?!!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose everything?"
Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than sex, Doug bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions, however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. "I suppose," she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread." "Why?" asked young Doug, "Don't we have a vase...?"
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner. The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach. Locking his steely gray eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance. He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh. He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need. Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that had gone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasy was within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment, she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!" Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been made only for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she met his steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes. And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned. Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it again and again and again............ DON'T YA JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Stuck to the ceiling 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  July 28, 2009



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A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!' 'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.' 'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,' said the woman. ''What a coincidence!' said the farmer. As they clinked glasses he added, 'What are you celebrating?' 'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!' 'What a coincidence!' said the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilised eggs.' 'That's great!' said the woman, 'How did your chickens become fertile?' 'I used a different cock,' he replied. The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, 'What a coincidence'.

The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills." The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Army." "Active or retired?" "If he wasn't active, I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?"
Mary comes home from her date with Tom and is on cloud nine. She happily tears off her clothes, tosses them all around the room, jumps into bed and falls fast asleep. The next morning her mom comes in and wakes Mary up and says, " How was your date last night?" "It was alright, I guess." "It must have been a lot better than that," says mom, " Your panties are still stuck to the ceiling."
An old man strode in to his doctors office and said, "Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my prescription and to check the prescription you've been giving to Mrs. Smith." "Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?" The old man says, "Since he found out I've been on birth control pills since February."
The first mate on a ship decided to celebrate an occasion with a "little" stowed away rum. Unfortunately he got drunk and was still drunk the next morning. The captain entry in the ship's log: "The first mate was drunk today." "Captain please don't let that stay in the log", the mate said. "This could add months or years to my becoming a captain myself." "Is it true?" asked the captain, already knowing the answer. "Yes, its true" the mate said. "Then if it is true it has to go in the log. That's the rule. If its true it goes into the log, end of discussion," said the captain sternly. Weeks later, it was the first mate's turn to make the log entries. The first mate wrote: "The ship seems in good shape. The captain was sober today."
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
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Dear Webby's Humor Letter
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Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Seeing a psychiatrist 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Monday,  July 27, 2009



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The pastor, speaking to the younger priest, said, "I know you were reaching out to the young people when you had bucket seats put in to replace the first four pews. It worked. We got the front of the church filled first." The young priest nodded and the old one continued, "And, you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir that packed us to the balcony." "So," asked the young priest, "what's the problem?" "Well", said the elder priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional." But Father," protests the young priest. "My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!" "I know, my son, but the flashing "Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell" neon sign really has to go."

I know a man who has been married for 25 years and he spends every evening at home.” “That’s what I call love.” “Well, his doctor says it’s paralysis.”.
A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude. "No" the talented blonde artist said. "I don't do that sort of thing." "I'll increase your fee two times," he said. "No, no thanks!!" "I'll give five times as much as you normally get." "Okay," said the artist, "but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes."
I have to tell the truth," Gary said to Nina. "While we've been dating, I've been secretly seeing a psychiatrist." "Don't worry about it," said Nina. "I've been secretly seeing a lawyer and a car salesman."
Having just finished reading a story to my sixth-grade class, I decided to check the student's knowledge of some of the vocabulary that had been used. "Who knows what the word 'adolescent' means?" I asked. Out of the entire class of 35, not one child raised a hand. After a few more silent moments, I decided to give them a hint: "Adolescent - it's something all of you are, and I am not." Finally one boy tentatively raised his hand, and in a very soft voice said, "Virgins?"
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

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Ophelia Dingbatter's News: Lipstick is hanging out 
Ophelia Dingbatter's News

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  July 26, 2009

Went for a nice drive on the back roads south of town. Top down,
hair in the wind, my favorite way of sun tanning. There was 
surprisingly little traffic for a Saturday afternoon. I was back 
earlier than I had figured, might have been going a bit faster
than I should have. But it sure was fun!
Enjoy
Ophelia

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A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has to go to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite and don't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in for a little while because he does not know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table. So, he turns to the little girl and says, "Will you excuse me. I have to go powder my nose." And saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom. When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you powder your nose?" "Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox. "Well, then," says the little girl, "you'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."

Did you hear about the constipated Mexican Ghost? He was full of sheet.
"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose." "Oh, no you're not," said the girl. "Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks." "Oh, no you're not." "Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks." "Oh, no you're not." "Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you." "Oh, no you're not." "And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy. "Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.
"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the way in, I can't see a thing." "Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction, that may well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should like to have a look at it." So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.
For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby
Dear Webby's Humor Letter
http://webby.com/humor

Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com Twitter: @OpheliaD
Ophelia Dingbatter Please Vote for me!

Tip: Register at the Ezinefinder. That puts a little cookie into your browser. Don't worry, the cookie doesn't have your bra size or your birth date or weight or any information about you. Its simply your personal access key to be able to vote without the confirmation emails. Even if somebody raids your computer, there is absolutely nothing they can do with that cookie, except maybe vote in your place on days that you forget.
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