Good Morning,  !
Today is Saturday, April 28

Thank you, Sig!

---------------------------------


Looks like Egyptians are clawing back towards barbarism.
Can't handle civilization.
I'm glad most of us don't hae to live there!

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


Some parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach.
The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to 
play in the water.  Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother 
and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot 
bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, 
"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and 
continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to 
his mother and
says, "Mommy, I saw some men with penises a lot bigger 
than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and 
continues to play.
Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to 
his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to 
the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more she talked, 
the dumber he got!"

"HARVEY!!!!!"



Two ladies were sitting at the bridge table, discussing the men
they had married.  "I swear," said the one woman, "I don't know how I
could have done any better.  He takes care of the yard, minds the
children while I do laundry, and if I'm not feeling good, he'll even do
the wash!"

The second woman said, "Sounds like you DID get a good husband!
Harold and I married for better or for worse.  He couldn't have done
better, and I couldn't have done worse!"



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A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when 
he notices his friend has a huge penis.
"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked. "Well, everyday for the past 
two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.
I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! 
You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few weeks later the two are in the same locker room and 
Bob asks Jim how his situation was. 
Jim replied" "I did what you said but my penis
has actually gotten smaller!
I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each 
day with butter?"

"Well, butter is expensive, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?!?" Bob exclaimed, "You idiot! Crisco's shortening!"



A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver 
and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the 
wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped 
around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the 
monkey and said "I wish you could talk."

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head 
up and down.

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"

"Yes," motioned the monkey.

"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and 
turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them 
to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?"

"Yes."

"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."

"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.

"Yes."

"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking
and screwing before they wrecked the car?"

"Yes."

"What were you doing during all this?"

"Driving" ....motioned the monkey.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for
the evening.  The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that
there will be no charge.  Very happy, he leaves. A few days later he
returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the
evening.  In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.

Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free."

"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable..."



RECIPE SECTION, 
thanks to Sr Anna

Yummy Sorbet using Mangos (diabetic friendly)
 
Ingredients:

2 pounds mangoes 
1/4 cup fresh orange juice 
Sugar substitute equal to 1 teaspoon sugar 

Directions:
 
Peel and slice mangoes; puree in a food processor fitted 
with steel blade. Add orange juice and sweetener; mix well.
 Pour into a shallow pan; freeze mixture until solid.

Remove sorbet from freezer; break into pieces with a fork. 
Return to food processor and process 10 seconds until smooth 
and frosty. Spoon into footed glasses and serve immediately.

Makes three 1/2 cup servings

Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna













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             Countries

Good Morning,  !
Today is Thursday, April 26

In case you are not subscribed to Dear Webby, my far away 
mentor, go read his newsletter today! You don'thave to 
subscribe, you can read it online at http://webby.com/humor

Why? And why today?

If you don't have a printer or never print anything, 
then there is no rush. However, if you do print, you can get
a coupon to get 10% off and free shipping on the already
lowest price for ink and toner at Atlantic Inkjet

It is Earth Week, and today and the rest of this week, that
coupon will save you money! 

If you miss Earth Week, you have to wait a year for another
savings week like this!

I broke open my toner coin jar and ordered my toner today, 
half price of DELL, and another 10% off! 
And free shipping!

If you know what you need, go to Atlantic Inkjet,
select your ink or toner, and in the check-out, use this coupon
EARTH2012

You can give the coupon to friends! That does not take it 
away from you. Just make sure you do it THIS WEEK!

You don't get anything for passing on the coupon, same as
I don't get anything for it. It is just sharing a good deal and
introducing you to recycled ink and toner cartridges, that are
easier on Mother Earth than single use cartridges.

Enjoy!
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still 
snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the 
winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the 
narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in
the spring sunshine. 

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot
 the snake.

 "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot -
I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, 
I'll give you any three wishes you want." 

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he 
was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, 
"OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, 
then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, 
and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here 
horse I'm riding." 

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back 
to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes." 

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped 
at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He 
dismounted on the run and went straight inside 
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was 
the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his 
back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like 
Arnold Schwarzenegger. 

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked 
at his crotch and shouted, "Oh crap! 
I was riding the old mare!"



Alabama:  Yes, We Have Electricity
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own
It Yet
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland
Scum,
But Leave Your Money)
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our
Tourism Campaign
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes...  And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-wing
Crazies,
And Very Little Else
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Nevada: Hookers and Poker!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##!
Motto Right Here!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent pets
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The
Right
To An Attorney.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Oregon: Spotted Owl...  It's What's For Dinner
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually
Surrender
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Tennessee: The Educashun State
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Vermont: Yep
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't
Mix?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Washington: Help!  We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family...  Really!
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-
Wyoming: Where Men Are Odd ... and the sheep are scared!



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Subway Stairs, Paris

 


A salesman was given a hotel room next to one occupied
by honeymooners.

The walls were thin, and the sounds of sustained
sexual frenzy poured through. Finally the salesman
could stand it no longer. He pounded on the walls,
yelling, "Knock it off, there's other people trying to
get some sleep!"

From the other room came a weak, faltering male voice
which said, "Yell louder, mister, she can't hear you!"



While watching the football play-offs at their local pub, a friend
complained to Frank that the love making with his girlfriend was
becoming routine and boring. 

" Well I think you need to get creative," Frank said.. "Break up the
monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?"
suggested Frank. 

"Hmmm....That's what I'll do, . It sounds great but tell me, how in hell
do I make it last for an hour?" his friend asked. 

Frank instructed , "Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter



A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long years, was
finally granted two months leave, during which time he
would be fully paid. However, he turned down his boss'
kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such a generous offer?"

The newspaper writer said there were 2 reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking such
a long leave might affect the newspaper's circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I thought my
taking such a long leave might NOT affect the newspaper's
circulation."



RECIPE SECTION, 
thanks to Sr Anna

Dorm Style Italian Meatball Recipe
 
Ingredients:

$1 worth of sausage/sandwich-meat ends
1 TBSP olive oil
-------------
1 can steakhouse mushrooms
2 TBSP mild paprika
------------
1 TBSP instant mashed potatos
1 TBSP bacon bits
1 TBSP onion bits
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 handful of finely chopped Cilantro (Italian parsley)
1 teaspoon dried parsley
1 teaspoon salt 
1/2 teaspoon Italian pepper
1 - 2 eggs

Directions:
Saute top 2 items for 3-5 minutes
Add the next two for two minutes
Take pan off the burner and let it cool
Add the rest and mix well
Put a few drops of olive oil onto your hands
and form the meatballs. 
Let them sit on Saran wrap for an hour or more in the fridge
Gently add them to near boiling pasta sauce and 
simmer for ten minutes.

Leftovers can be filled into ziplock baggies 
and frozen or traded, 
but not the pasta!

You CAN substitute ground beef for the sausage / 
sandwich-meat ends, if you absolutely have to, but then 
you have to increase the spices and salt to get the authentic 
Italian Meatball flavor. However. don't buy Italian sausage,
unless you know what you are doing. Some, like Calabrese
are way too hot. 

Happy Appetite!
Sr Anna












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