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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, April 30, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think." Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce." "Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake." "Surely there must be some difference between the two women," the judge said. "You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce," he replied. 
Seriously bad breath!
A guy goes on a tour in a factory making Latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hissing and popping noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes the hissing noise again. "Wait a minute!" says the man. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop!' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" the man exclaimed. "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!" I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come closest to Utopia and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. Then I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, April 29, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
At school Lil' Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Lil' Johnny decided to go home and try it out. He went home, and as he was greeted by his mother he said, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly handed him $20 and said, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waited for his father to get home from work, and greeted him with, "I know the whole truth." Johnny's father promptly handed him $40 and said, "Please don't say a word to your mother!" Very pleased, the boy was on his way to school the next day when he saw the mailman at his front door. Lil' Johnny greeted him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately dropped the mail, opened his arms saying, "Then come give your real father a great big hug." Bobby was stark naked in front of his open window, doing his morning aerobics. His wife entered the room and shouted, "Bobby, you fool, draw those curtains! I don't want the neighbors to think that I married you for your money!" 
Bill's wife's psychiatrist just called him and said, "Did you know she was going to poison you?" Bill said, "No! What you suggest?" He said, "After listeneing to her for three hours, my suggestion to you is to take the poison." After the birth of my son, a woman from the records department stopped by my hospital room to get information for his birth certificate. "Father's date of birth?" she asked. When I told her, she said, "Do you realize that his birthday is exactly nine months before your son's birth?" "No, I hadn't thought about it," I responded, "but now that you mention it, I realize that I have a daughter who turned two a couple of days before the same date." After she finished taking down all the data, she patted my hand and said, "Maybe you should start buying your husband a tie for his birthday, or some condoms."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, April 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. After working for many long, hard years, a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she feels that she needs a change and commits to marrying only a virgin male of approximately the same age as herself. She takes out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approximately 55 years old. She finally narrows her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she is convinced that he indeed has never been with a woman, and they are soon married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?" He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!" 
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich bitch just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the mail man did! While travelling, Brett and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room. At first we were amused by the amorous couple. After five minutes it had lost its charm. After ten minutes we were a little annoyed. After fifteen minutes, we were ticked off, as it was keeping us awake. After half an hour we were incensed! After an hour we were pretty damned impressed. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. --- Sir Winston Churchill
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults. Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, April 27, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
From Wendy: One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed & margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!" He seemed fine so I thought I'd gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table & farted." A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel." The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really." The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute !!!!" The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken Crap,' he ain't gonna believe you, either." 
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that chrome one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the chrome one, I've never had a chrome one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!" was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house." "Young lady, you may be at the right house," Ken assured her. "But you're forty years too late." If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice." --- Laurence J. Peter
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, April 26, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!" One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." 
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal. HER STORY He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate, where we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant, and he was still acting a bit funny. I was trying to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him and he said no. I wasn't convinced. In the cab back to his house, I said that I loved him, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell this meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place, and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said that I was going to sleep. After about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. He still seemed really distracted, so afterward, I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? HIS STORY Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid, though. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. --- Frank Lloyd Wright
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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