Good Morning 
It's Tuesday,  December 29, 2009

From Alana
Looks like we have let you down, Ophelia!
I guess, with most of your readers getting you at work and not
having a computer at home, they can't vote now when it really
counts. 

Well the shame is on them, when you wind up with seventeen
votes short of 15,000, not on you. You came through every
day of the year! So you lazyboys, get off your asses and vote
on the few days we have left!
Alana


Thanks Alana!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
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A woman goes to see her Podiatrist. She says, "Doc, I just got back
from a few weeks in the Bahamas and the weather was so great I spent most
of the days just lying on the sand. But the strangest thing happened.
Whenever a good looking guy came by, I would get this strange tingling
sensation between my toes."

The podiatrist thought this was kind of unusual and examined her. He
asked her if she had this sensation between all of her toes.

She replied, "Actually no, just between my two big toes!"


From Vern
My wife & I were expecting our first child while we were
stationed in Corpus Christi, TX.  We were at our first
OB/GYN exam with an old crusty Doc that was probably
delivering babies in the Alamo.  Nice guy, but seen it all,
heard it all a million times.

I was stuttering around searching for the right words to
ask when we "should stop....you know.....relations?"

The Doc's answer was priceless, "Sonny, as long as you
don't get in my way in the delivery room, I don't care!"





The tour bus traveling through northern Nevada passed briefly
at the Mustang Ranch, near Sparks.  The guide noted:  "We
are now passing the largest house of prostitution in America."
Three of the old guys on the bus shouted, "Why?!?"


Jon lived in Anchorage, Alaska.  Right downtown.  His house
was literally right downtown.  But he had no indoor plumbing.
He did, however, have an outhouse.  The older he got, though,
the further away it seemed to get.

One night, he decided to just skip the trip.  Instead, he
decided to just relieve himself right there off the front porch.

His wife was pretty pissed about his decision.  "Jon, you
moron.  Our neighbors can see you when you do this, you know."

He'd not given THAT scenario much thought, so he promised
his wife he'd not do it again.

Not too many nights later, though, it turned bitterly cold.
Right in the middle of the night he had to piss like a race
horse.  He got up, put on his slippers, and headed out of the
bedroom to do his business.

He was back in two shakes (so to speak).  His wife,
suspicious as wives are apt to be, said, "You weren't gone
very long."

"That's right."

"You went off the porch again, didn't you?"

"Yes, I did."

"We had a talk about this, remember?  The neighbors could
see you, right.  They'll know it was you and what you're doing
out there."

"Naw, they won't know it's me!  This time I was squatting down!"


A football coach noticed that his star tackle,
Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he
couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one
day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is
your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm
about to have sex, I always whip it out and
bang it on the dresser like a hammer.  This
numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went
to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the
shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he
jerked off his clothes and started banging
it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower
and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Monday,  December 28, 2009



Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Fred hired a temp while his secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to
arrive at an agreeable wage, he asked what she expected to earn.
She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is two hundred a week."
Fred told her I'd give her that much with pleasure.
She shook her head and replied,
"Nooooo, with pleasure, it would be $300 a week."


A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get this, that
ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the
building except one."
"Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into space. 
"Must be that stuck up Mrs. Fulbrook on the fourth floor."






from John
"Strange things happen when you're in debt.
 Two weeks ago my car broke down and my
phone got disconnected. I was one electric
bill away from being Amish."


To Mary-K:
DONT Worry over,what other people are thinking about you.
The ones who are thinking at all,  are busy worrying 
over what you are thinking about them.


An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk
offered assistance she explained that she was recently
divorced and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.
The clerk explained that the name of the store was
"Exotic Pets" and that unfortunately they did not stock
cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say,
however, that he had something which might be ideal.

He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a
terrarium and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat
inside it. "Would that suit your needs?" he asked. 

The woman answered scornfully, "I hardly think an amphibian 
would be a suitable companion!" 

"Ah," replied the salesman leering...."
but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained to perform
oral sex upon women."

At this remark the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly
negotiated a price of $500 for the frog and left with it in
her expectant possession. Arriving home she drew a bubble
bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in
anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried
herself and arranged herself, nude, upon the bed. Parting
her thighs she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes,
and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still
nothing.

She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She
ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this
frustration, she telephoned the pet shop. When the clerk
answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated!
The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and
said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman
answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate
the problem. She obliged by disrobing and assuming her former
position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

"You see?" she asked petulantly. 
"Yes, I do" said the man gravely.

Then, addressing the frog, as he removed his necktie and shirt,
he said, "Now I'm only going to show you this one last time!"


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  December 27, 2009

From Ruby P:
Come on!!  Let's get Ophelia's numbers up over 15,000 for the year. 
She has done a tremendous job with the 'dingbatter's news' so 
show your appreciation and VOTE for Ophelia!
Ruby P

Der Ruby
It would be nice, but that would require a third of the readers to 
vote one day, or 86 readers to vote each day between now and January 1.
I am not saying that they can't get it up, and I am quite willing to
be surprised, but I am not holding my breath.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

The petite young blonde was being interviewed for
a rather high-level executive position in the
advertising agency.

Finally, the interviewer concluded with, "I like
your style Miss Benson. I think you'll do just
fine. All we ask is that you put out."

"Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken
aback. "Are you referring to work or sex?"

"Well, 'lil lady," he replied, "around here, if
you aren't busy with one, 
you had better be busy with the other one."


When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the
Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was
inspecting during formation had an erection,
"And what do you call that trouser bulge,
mister??"

The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he
replied, "It's a one-gun salute,ma'am."






Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle
of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot
of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks
in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your
back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable
questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his
stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to
town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny
cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where
me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"


An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his
oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"
Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it."

Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!"

Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?"

Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it,
it's-a so good."

Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites."

Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a
and-a trim-a." 

Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of pussy."

Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!"

Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!"


Dear Earthling,
I am a creature from outer space.
I have transformed myself into the mouse
you have in your hand.
Right now I am having sex with your fingers.
I know you like it because you are smiling. 
Please pass on to someone else because I'm really horny


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  December 26, 2009

Judging by the noise, a lot of kids are out hooting and 
hollering and doing donuts while they slick down the parking
lots of the big box stores in preparation for St Walley's Day.

That reminds me,... 
Everybody blames Walmart for exporting the economy and
the jobs to Asia. Actually, it was Sears that started that. 
Walmart just copied that, and did it with stores insted of 
catalogs, and a less outtrageous profit margin.

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?

Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"


An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical
examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape
for your age....But tell me...Do you still have
intercourse?"

"Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said.
She went out to the reception room and said: "Jake do we
still have intercourse?"

Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told
you a thousand times..." We have blue cross"!!






It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the
Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly
there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very
bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering.

"Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for hours.
I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?"

"Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire." The
stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to the
lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive 19-year-old
blonde.

"I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my
daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas."

After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late,
and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken, but
you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank you'
and lay down.

About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife,
and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would like
a blanket."

So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, 
young man?"

"Oh no, Walter I'm fine."

"Well, what about a hot water bottle?"

"No, no, there's really no need," he replied.

"Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?"

"My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he 
gasped. "She's been down twice already."


What is a blondes idea of safe sex?
Lock the car doors.
---
Yep. I always do!


These two guys meet after not having seen each other
for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy,
"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the
first guy "I    w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t   m..a..r..r.. i..e..d.

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't
stutter any more."

The answer comes " y..e..s   I  w..e..n..t   t..o  a
d..o..c..t..o..r ..a..n..d  h..e   t..o..l..d    m..e  t..h..a..t
i..f  I s..p..e..a..k..   s..l..o..w..l..y I    w..i..l..l
n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again
about how he "was almost married".

"W..e..l..l   m..y    f..i..a..n..c..e..e    a..n..d  I   w..e..r..e
s..i...t..t..i..n..g..  o..n  h..e..r     p..o...r..c..h  a..n..d
t..h..e  d..o..g  w..a..s  s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g  h..i..s
b..a..c..k   a..n..d    I    t..o..l..d h..e..r   t..h..a..t
w..h..e..n   w..e     a..r..e   m..a..r..r..i..e..d    s..h..e
c..a..n  d..o   t..h..a..t   f..o..r   m..e   a..n..d  s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w  t..h..e     r..i..n..g   i..n    m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?"
asks the first friend

" W..e..l..l    I     s..p..e..a..k    s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t    b..y     t..h..e  t..i..m..e     s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d..  a..t   t..h..e   d..o..g.    h..e    w..a..s
l..i..c..k..i..n..g  h..i..s   a..s..s."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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Good Morning 
It's Friday,  December 25, 2009

Enjoy!
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder



Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas
pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got
into an argument as to who had the most important
role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister,
"Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much
harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel."


A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him
sitting at his desk, looking very depressed.
"Hey, what's up with you?", he asks.
"Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired
a new secretary for me."
"Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or
brunette?"
"Neither. 
Her father is bald."




Next time, Randy, use a carpet bag with a sturdy draw-string!

Why do all the "other" reindeer have brown noses?
Because they can't stop as quickly as Rudolph!


Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the
Christmas season are: "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and
"Batteries not included."


Three rich guys were telling each other what kind of antique 
car they were going to give their girl friends for Christmas.

One guy said, "I'm going to give my girl a Kaiser. 
and surprise her."

The next one said, "I'm going to give my girl a Frazier, 
and amaze her."

The third guy said, "I'm going to give mine a Tucker,
..."


For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com


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