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Good Morning 
It's Thursday, July 29, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
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Trishia decides to do something wild she hasn't done
before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult
video. She goes to the video store and, after looking
around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into
something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment though, there's nothing but static
on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's
nothing on the tape, but static."

"Sorry about, that," replied the store clerk. "We've had problems with
some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Replies Trishia, "It's called, 'Head Cleaner'."


A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad?
Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"
The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied,
"Sometimes a lawyer will try anything to win a case."

 



Large Version


Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping
over the weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother 
had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.

After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly 
bear squared off with the mother-in-law!

Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice,
"Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there's gonna be blood 
shed fer sure!"

Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, 
the bear got himself into it..."


The President of a large manufacturing company during economic 
slow down told his Supervisors that they would have to lay one 
person off in each department. 

Bob took this hard because he didn't have anyone he wanted
to lay off. They were all good workers. It came down to the 
last two people that he had hired. Mary or Jack. 

The day before he was to let one person go, Mary came in early and 
Bob called her into his office to talk to her, thinking maybe she would 
volunteer to go. Bob told Mary: "I'm going to have to lay you or Jack 
off today." 

Mary replied: "You better jack off, because I've got a headache."


Two ancient occupants of a geriatric nursing home were discussing the
merits of this "newfangled" support pantyhose."Well, I don't like them,"
said the first old dear, "because every time I fart, 
I blow my slippers off!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Wednesday, July 28, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

 earning that several of his employees were tanking up on no-trace
vodka Martinis during lunch hours, a wise company president issued the
following memo:
 To all employees: If you must drink during lunch, please drink whiskey.
It is much better for our customers to think you are drunk, 
than to realize you are stupid.


When the secretary entered her boss' office one morning,
he looked ou the window and announced idly, "It's certainly 
going to be a beautiful day."

"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forcast is
for rain."

"It's not going to rain," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you
twelve to one."

"I'd rather not," she remarked. "That's my lunch hour. Afterward
is fine, if I don't get wet during lunch hour."

 



Large Version


A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention 
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When 
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

The house gets $60.00 and the girls get $40.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped 
off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully 
unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached 
a brothel where the Madam responded,
"Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do 
the girls get?"

"The girls get $70.00 and the house gets $30.00."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the 
Madam $100.00, which promptly disappeared through
a slot in the wall, 
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly 
attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an
ancient looking weathered woman in the corner, 
"but Ethel here has seniority."


A husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it 
in their cart.  

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.

"Put them back, we can't afford them!" demands the wife, 
and so they carry on shopping. 

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 
jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

"What do you think you're doing?" asks the husband. 

"It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies 
the wife. 

Her husband retorts: "So does 24 cans of Budweiser and 
it's half the price."

On the PA system: "Cleanup crew to aisle 25, we have 
a husband down."


The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse 
after being sworn in as Canadian citizens.

"It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are Canadian 
citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?"

"Yes, you filthy chauvinist pig," his wife replied. 
"Tonight, you cook the damn dinner, 
and in bed, I get to be on top!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

When the maid asked for a pay increase, the wife was very 
upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. 
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase ?' 
 
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I want an 
increase. The first is that I iron better than you.' 
 
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me ?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.' 
 
Wife: 'Oh.' 
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am better cook than you.' 
 
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?' 
Maria: 'Jor husband did.' 
 
Wife: 'Oh..' 
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better in bed than you.' 
 
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well ?' 
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.' 
 
Wife: 'So how much do you want ?'


KID:  "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"

MOM:  "Yes, dear."

KID:  "And the stork brings babies?"

MOM:  "Why certainly, dear."

KID:  "Then what's dad hanging around for?"

 



Large Version
Our-mom-is-tougher-than-yours!


A guy is sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife
sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head
with a frying pan.
"What was that for?" he says.
"That was for the piece of paper in your pants
pocket with the name Marylou written on it," she
replies.
"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Marylou
was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he
explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading
when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan
knocking him out cold.
When he comes to, he says, "What the heck was
that for?"
"Your horse phoned."


A Howard County Policeman broke-up a young couple in the act
of love- making on a pathway in Columbia. The girl berated
the officer long and loud with a barrage of obscenities. The
boy was silent through-out the confrontation.

The officer arrested them both anyway. The girl was charged
with disorderly conduct, the boy with having an offensive
person on his weapon.


A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the
government, so for homework that one day, she told her
students to ask their parents what the government is. When
Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and
ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a while and answered, ''Look at it this
way: I'm the president, your mom is Congress, the maid is
the work force, you are the people and your baby brother is
the future.''

''I still don't get it'' responded the Little Johnny.
'Why don't you sleep on it then? Maybe you'll understand it
better,'' said the dad.

''Okay then...good night'' said Little Jonny went off to
bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened
by his baby brother's crying. He went to his baby brother's
crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his
diaper. 

So Little Johnny went to his parent's room to get help. 
When he got to his parent's bedroom, he looked through
the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the
keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn't
there. So he went to the maid's room. When he looked through
the maid's room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his
maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized
something and thinks aloud, ''OH!! Now I understand the
government! The President is screwing the work force,
Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and
the future is shitty!''



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, July 26, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

After the company party, when most went to the pub for something
stronger than the lame company punch, Joe's wife stood up 
and said that it was time to get ready for a tost she wanted 
to make.. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband 
to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The barmaid was
almost crushed to death.


A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the top of a
steep hill. Just as he was starting down the equally steep
other side, he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center
of the road, making wild and passionate love.

In total disbelief, he blew his air horn several times as he
was bearing down on them. He realized that they were not
going to stop or get out of his way,so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the front of
the truck.

He looked down at the two, still on the road, and yelled,
"What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear
me blowing the horn? You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver, obviously
satisfied and not too concerned and said, "Look, I was
coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the
only one with brakes."

 





Three men are discussing their lovemaking abilities. The first man says,
"My wife, last night I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we
make wonderful love.  She screamed in pleasure for five minutes."

The second man says, "Last night I smothered sweet butter on my wife's
body, then we made passionate love.  She screamed for half an hour."

The last man says, "I covered Pegi's body with Cheese Whiz.
We made love and she screamed for six hours."

"Six hours?" the others say, "How did you make her scream for six
hours?"

He says, " I wiped my hands on the drapes."


A plumber knocked at the door. "I've come to fix your blocked 
toilet, he said to the man answered the door.

"But we haven't got a blocked toilet."

"Are you Mr. Collis?" asked the plumber.

 "No. He moved away two months ago."

"Shit! There are some real bastards in the world,"the plumber said.
"They ring for a plumber as a screaming emergency, 
and then move off to another address!"


Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "You've got to help
me!  Every night I have the same horrible dream.   I'm lying in bed
when all of a sudden five drop dead gorgeous women rush in and start
tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see.  And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored, "Please, Break my arms!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
---------(        )-------Ooooo-------.
----------\     (---------(       )--------
-----------\    \---------)     /----------
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-----------------------(_ /--------------
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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, July 25, 2010


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
	
Feel free to adjust the font size 
by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel.

A woman goes to the doctor. After examining the
woman thoroughly, the doctor is perplexed. "I'm not
sure what it is," he said. "You either have a bad cold
or you're pregnant." "Oh," says the woman, "I must
be pregnant
--I don't know anyone who could have given me a
cold."


A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot
identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man
there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually
catches them doing what comes naturally. To make
sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts
out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round
the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The
male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf
whistles, and says, "I see she caught YOU at it, too."

 



Large Version
Looks like he has a problem with the electric can opener!


Even now, so many parents are concerned about sex education
in the schools. What they're not considering though is that
if the kids learn it the way they learn all the other
subjects, they still won't know how to "do it" anyway.


A reporter from New York was visiting an old colleague who 
now edited a newspaper in a tiny Vermont town.

"I don't see how you do it," the NY reporter said. 
"How can you drum up interest in the news when everybody 
in town knows what everybody else is doing?"

"Sure they know," the editor said, "but they read the paper 
to see who got caught at it."


Q: "Why don't roosters have hands?"
A:  "Because chickens don't have boobs!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter






Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com

-----------------------------------------
---------ooooO-----------------------
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----------\     (---------(       )--------
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