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Good Morning 
It's Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Thanks David!

I just read about the weekend storms at the US East Coast. 
Seems that instead of the promised gullible warming, they got
snow just like a few years ago. I think, if I was living there,
I would start a penny jar for one of those cute little generators
that contractors use. 

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	


566 Subscribers. 
Welcome Chiefy!   Welcome Sarge!  Welcome Kathy!  Welcome Wayne!



Thanks to Bob for this story:
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes 
out and cradling her hand. "Mommy, quick! Get me a glass 
of cider!" she wailed.

"Why do you want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. 

"I cut my hand on a thorn, and I want the pain to go away!" 

Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the mother 
obliged and poured her a glass of cider. 

The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it. 
"Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she whined. 

"What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly 
perplexed parent. "What made you think that cider would 
ease your pain?" 

"Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets 
a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider"



Thanks to Mom for this one:

Two women were sitting in the doctor's waiting room comparing 
notes on their various disorders.

"I want a baby more than anything in the world," said the first, 
"But I guess it is impossible."

"I used to feel just the same way," said the second. "But then 
everything changed. That's why I'm here. I'm going to have a 
baby in six months."

"You must tell me what you did."

"I went to a faith healer."

"But I've tried that. My husband and I went to one for nearly 
a year and it didn't help a bit."

The other woman smiled and whispered, 
"Try going alone, next time."


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The distraught father hurried down the beach to the spot where his
lovely daughter lay. A bronzed lifeguard stood over her. "I've just
resuscitated her, sir," he said. 

"Then, by God," exclaimed the father,
"you'll marry the girl!"



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 


The young reporter was interviewing a woman who had just reached her
hundredth birthday. "To what do you attribute your remarkable good
health?" he asked. 

"Well," she said, thoughtfully, "I've always eatern moderately, 
worked hard, I don't drink and I keep good hours."

"Have you ever been bedridden?" the reporter asked. 

"Well, sure," said the elderly lady, "but don't put that in your paper."


The husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples alternate shot
tournament at his club.  He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and
blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "just hit it toward
the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods.  Undaunted,
the husband said "that's ok sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes
looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible
position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet
of the hole.

He told his wife to knock the ball in. His wife then proceeded to knock
the ball off the green and into a bunker. Still maintaining composure,
the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the
bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the
green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "honey, that was  a
bogey, and that's ok, but I think we can do better on the next hole."

She replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of
those 5 shots were mine."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

A priest was driving along when he saw a nun at the side of
the road. He pulled over and offered her a ride, which she
accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, which forced her
habit to open and reveal a beautiful leg. The priest looked
over and nearly had an accident.

After regaining control of the car, he slyly slid his hand
up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said,
"Father, remember Psalm 129?" Flustered, he apologized
profusely and forced himself to remove his hand. However,
he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

A little further on, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
Again, the priest apologized and said, "I'm sorry, Sister,
but the flesh is weak."

Finally arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him
a meaningful glance, and went on her way.

As soon as he arrived at the church, the priest rushed to
retrieve a bible and looked up Psalm 129. It read:- "Go
forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

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Good Morning 
It's Monday, December 27, 2010

I got 14 offers of clear shower curtains, 
used ones, from the big spenders out there,
and four complaints, that the blue one was up too high. 
No new subscriptions, though. 

Enjoy
Ophelia

 
Please, help me stay online!

	

Late one night a woman was walking
home when a man grabbed
her and dragged her into the bushes.

"Help me!  Help me!" she screamed.
"I'm being robbed!"

"You ain't being robbed!" her attacker
interrupted. "You're being screwed!"

The woman looked down at her attacker
as he unzipped his jeans. "If  you're screwing
me with that," she fumed, "I am being robbed!"


562 Subscribers. 

Two guys were at a bar talking about how highly their wives thought of
them. The first guy said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she
won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible." 

The second guy says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God." 

"She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" 

"Easy. Every night she places a burnt offering before me."
----------------------
Bubba, Oven Timers and FaceBook are not compatible. 
She can only use one at a time, not both.



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There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and
Sunday, it didn't matter what kind of weather it was he was
hooked on a round of golf. One Saturday he left the house
early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter
cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went
back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took of
his clothes and snuggled up to his wife's backside and said
"Terrible weather out there."

She replied, "Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband
went golfing?"



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 



Jack decides to go skiing with his buddy Bob. They load up
Jack's station-wagon and head north. After driving for a few
hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pull into a nearby farmhouse and ask the attractive
lady of the house if they can spend the night. "I'm recently
widowed," she explains, "and I'm afraid the neighbours will
talk if I let you stay in my house." "Not to worry," Jack
says, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Jack gets a letter from the widow's
attorney. He calls up his friend Bob and says, "Bob, do you
remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Uhhh, yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up
to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to give her my business card instead of yours?"

Bob's face turns red and he says, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks a lot, pal...she just died and left me her farm."


Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned 
over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to 
her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed 
and we were just about to make love when her damned 
husband came in the front door. 
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from 
the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the 
customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! 
You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned 
if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right 
onto my head!"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're 
in a lousy mood." 

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and 
when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out 
of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was 
when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that 
their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window 
and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know 
what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I 
finally looked down, I saw that my feet were only 
SIX inches off the ground!!"



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

The naive miss was seated in her doctor's office.
"Our tests indicate that you are pregnant," said the M.D., "and there is
every indication that you are going to have twins." 

"But how can that be, doctor?" the girl protested. 
"I've never been out on a double-date in my life."

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Good Morning 
It's Sunday, December 26, 2010

562 Subscribers. Lost one :(

Notice my fancy $3000 gala evening gown?
Ha! That is actually Maryann's shower curtain. 
Her hubby had slipped, hung on to it and tore all the lttle
eyes on it. So she brought it over to see if I could fix it.
Yes, sure. Then she did my hair and I used it as a barber's
cape. I would hate to wear the stiff, no-stretch and rustling 
plastic as a dress, but the metallic blue did look good on 
me, so she took a picture, when she was done with the hair.

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	

An embarrassed young woman was farting uncontrollably when 
her date was due to arrive. She was an accomplished pianist so 
to drown the noise she offered the play the Storm Scene from the 
William Tell Overture.

She had concluded the piece when she felt another fart attack 
on its way and quickly asked him if he would like another tune 
on the piano.

"Well if it is that storm scene again," he said, "can you leave 
out the bit where the lightning strikes the outhouse?


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Three guys are golfing with the club pro. The first guy tees
off and hits a dribbler about 60 yards. He turns to the pro
and says, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

The next guy tees off and hits a duck hook into the woods.
He asks the pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro replies, "Loft."

The third guy tees off and slices into a pond. He asks the
pro, "What did I do wrong?"

The pro says, "Loft."

As they're walking to their balls, the first guy finally
speaks up. He says to the pro, "The three of us hit
completely different tee shots, and when we asked 
you what we did wrong you answered the same exact 
answer each time.
What is loft?"

The pro replied, "Lack Of F***ing Talent."



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A female reporter was interviewing a farmer concerning Mad
Cow Disease.

"Mr. Jones, have you any ideas as to what might be causing
this disease?" asked the reporter.

"I sure do," the farmer stated. "Do you know the bulls only
screw the cows once a year?"

"Well, sir, that's new information to me, but what is the
relationship between that and Mad Cow?" inquired the
reporter.

"In addition to that," continued the farmer, "did you know
we milk the cows twice a day?"

"That's very interesting, Mr. Jones, but what's your point?"
demanded the reporter.

"The point is this, lady," the farmer replied, "if I played
with your tits twice a day, but only screwed you once a
year, wouldn't you get mad, too?"


Tricky Dicky, a used car dealer, was determined to break all
sales records with his 'like new' models. A large sign in
his window announced: "One Blonde Free With Every Car."

A delighted young stud plunked down his money and, in hot
anticipation, drove his newly won blonde out into the
country. He parked, gave her a few preliminary kisses, and
whispered a suggestion in her ear. She shook her head,
smiled, and said, "You got that when you bought this car."




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

One Saturday, Little Johnny's bored, so he says to his
father, "Dad, I'm bored. What's there to do?"

His dad decides to have a little fun with him, so he gives
Johnny four quarters. "Here, son," his father says, "why
don't you go to the drugstore and get me some
'what's what'?"

Excited, although somewhat baffled, Johnny rushes down the
street to the drugstore. He approaches the druggist and
asks him for some 'what's what'. Initially, the druggist
is confused, but soon guesses that this kid has been sent
out on a wild goose chase.

"I'm sorry, young man, we don't have any, but that
building over there might," the druggist says, as he
points towards a whorehouse.

Filled with excitement, Johnny races over to the whorehouse.
He knocks on the door and a naked woman answers it.

"I need some..... hey, what's that?" Johnny says, motioning
to her crotch.

"What's what?" she replies.

Satisfied, Johnny says, "I'll have a dollar's worth!"

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Good Morning 
It's Saturday, December 25, 2010

563 Subscribers

Merry Christmas,  !
Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	

Two women were in a hair salon talking about their home
lives when the subject of flighty husbands came up. "It's
unbelievable," one woman said. "I can never figure out where
he goes at night."

"I know exactly what you mean," said the other woman. "One
second he's in the house, and the next he's gone without a
trace."

"Well," says a woman eavesdropping nearby. "I always know
where my husband is."

"How do you manage that?" the other two women asked.

"Easy," she replies. "I'm a widow."


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Two men at bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of
hours. One of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner.

One says to the other, "Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl."

The other replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit."

So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me.  Would you
be so kind as to dance with me."

Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry.  Right now
I'm concentrating on matrimony and I'd rather sit than dance."

The man humbly returns to his friend.  "So what did she say?" he asks.

"She said she's constipated on macaroni and would rather shit her
pants."



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into
a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.
Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says,
"Stick it through that curtain." 

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis 
and sticks it through the crack in the curtains. 

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist. 

"Holy shit, Lady. I never knew you had a minimum!"


A woman had two Parrots, and she was
having difficulties figuring out which
was a male and which was a female.

One day coming back from work she
saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other. 
She caught the one on top and put a cardboard collar on it, 
thinking now she could identify which is the male or female.

The following day the local priest came by for a visit.
The parrot with the cardboard collar took one look and 
screached at him: "Hey You!" 
and when the priest turned to look at him, asked him:
"Who did you get caught screwing?"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

Ole and Lena lived on a lake in Northern Minnesota. 
Ole asked Lena if she would walk across the frozen lake to the 
general store to pick him up some tobacco.

She asked for some money, but he told her to put it on their tab.

So she walked across, got the tobacco and walked back. Then she asked
Ole why he didn't send her with any money.

He said, "I vasn't goin' to send any money ven I vasn't sure 
how tick de ice is."

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Good Morning 
It's Friday, December 24, 2010

563 Subscribers. Welcome Steph!

My neighbor Maryann told me a neat trick about coffee.
If you wound up with some bland coffee like Maxwells, because
it was on sale, you can drasticlly improve it. Grind it extra
fine, and then put enough of it for a pot of coffee into a
clean and dry and very hot cast iron frying pan. Just stir
it a bit with a wooden spoon until you notice a good and 
proper coffee smell. That's all!
Pour it into a filter an make a pot of coffee.
That bit of re-roasting livens it right up, but don't go
checking your email, while it is roasting, or it will taste 
like Starbucks coffee!

Enjoy
Ophelia


 
Please, help me stay online!

	

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when 
her youngest daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. 
One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and 
have sex. 
(The daughter looks puzzled.) 
That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's
vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your 
and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. 
What do you get when you do that?

Chocolate, usually, sometiems flowers or even jewelry.


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Jeff and Linda are parked in Lover's Lane. He embraces her
with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand.
Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell!" Jeff murmured, "Fuzz!"

"What did ya expect?" Linda says, "A perm?"



 
Click through the picture to the large version.

 

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped
inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the
most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he
noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch.

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well
rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any
question I can answer for you?"

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more
toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar:"


The Catholic Church's air conditioning broke down,
so they had to hire a man to crawl around in the
ducts and figure out what was wrong. As the man
peeked down through one of the vents in the
sanctuary, he saw little old Mrs. Murphy kneeling
by the altar, apparently saying her rosary. Since
the man was a fundamental Baptist, he thought it'd
be funny to try and mess with the lady's mind. In
his best authoritative voice, he said, "This is
Jesus. Your prayers will be answered."

The little old lady didn't even blink, just kept
on saying her prayers. The man decided maybe she
didn't hear him, and tried again. "This is Jesus,
the Son of God! Your prayers will be answered!"

Again, she didn't react at all. Mustering up a
big breath of air, the man decided to try again.
"THIS IS JESUS CHRIST, THE SON OF GOD! YOUR
PRAYERS WILL BE ANSWERED!"

The lady looks up and says, "QUIET! 
I'M TALKING TO YOUR MOTHER!"




For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

The clerk showed the fellow the store's most expensive
perfume. "This is called 'Perhaps'," said the sales clerk.
"It's $285 per ounce."

"Listen," the fellow shot back, "for $285 an ounce, I don't
want something called 'Perhaps; I want something called,
"You Can Bet Your Ass There Will Be Some Action!"