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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, December 28, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Fred hired a temp while his secretary was on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, he asked what she expected to earn. She said, "Well... the minimum I could work for is two hundred a week." Fred told her I'd give her that much with pleasure. She shook her head and replied, "Nooooo, with pleasure, it would be $300 a week." A man comes home chuckling, and says to his wife, "Get this, that ridiculous janitor of ours claims he's made love to every woman in the building except one." "Hmmmmm," said the wife, looking thoughtfully off into space. "Must be that stuck up Mrs. Fulbrook on the fourth floor." 
from John "Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago my car broke down and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish." To Mary-K: DONT Worry over,what other people are thinking about you. The ones who are thinking at all, are busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance she explained that she was recently divorced and was looking for a small-ish dog for company. The clerk explained that the name of the store was "Exotic Pets" and that unfortunately they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets. He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it. "Would that suit your needs?" he asked. The woman answered scornfully, "I hardly think an amphibian would be a suitable companion!" "Ah," replied the salesman leering...." but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained to perform oral sex upon women." At this remark the woman's eyes lit up. She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself and arranged herself, nude, upon the bed. Parting her thighs she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited. Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response. After an hour of this frustration, she telephoned the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated! The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over. Ten minutes later he knocked on the door and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged by disrobing and assuming her former position with the frog in place. The frog made no movement. "You see?" she asked petulantly. "Yes, I do" said the man gravely. Then, addressing the frog, as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said, "Now I'm only going to show you this one last time!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, December 27, 2009 From Ruby P: Come on!! Let's get Ophelia's numbers up over 15,000 for the year. She has done a tremendous job with the 'dingbatter's news' so show your appreciation and VOTE for Ophelia! Ruby P Der Ruby It would be nice, but that would require a third of the readers to vote one day, or 86 readers to vote each day between now and January 1. I am not saying that they can't get it up, and I am quite willing to be surprised, but I am not holding my breath. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The petite young blonde was being interviewed for a rather high-level executive position in the advertising agency. Finally, the interviewer concluded with, "I like your style Miss Benson. I think you'll do just fine. All we ask is that you put out." "Errr, uhh, err, sir." she said, somewhat taken aback. "Are you referring to work or sex?" "Well, 'lil lady," he replied, "around here, if you aren't busy with one, you had better be busy with the other one." When the very curvaceous female midshipman at the Naval Academy noticed one of the men she was inspecting during formation had an erection, "And what do you call that trouser bulge, mister??" The sailor looked her straight in the eye as he replied, "It's a one-gun salute,ma'am." 
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" An Italian family is at the dinner table when the father says to his oldest son, "Tony! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Tony says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's spaghetti! I can't-a stop-a eating it." Poppa says, "You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Then Poppa says to his middle son, "Michael! Why you-a such a fat-a fuck?" Michael says, "Poppa, it's-a Mama's lasagna. I can't-a stop-a eating it, it's-a so good." Poppa says, "You should-a also take-a smaller bites." Then Poppa says to his youngest son, "Fredo! How you-a stay so slim-a and-a trim-a." Fredo says, "It's-a so easy, Poppa. I eat-a lots and lots of pussy." Poppa says, "Pussy? Pussy, that's-a taste like shit!" Fredo says, "Poppa, You should-a take-a smaller bites!" Dear Earthling, I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into the mouse you have in your hand. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know you like it because you are smiling. Please pass on to someone else because I'm really horny
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, December 26, 2009 Judging by the noise, a lot of kids are out hooting and hollering and doing donuts while they slick down the parking lots of the big box stores in preparation for St Walley's Day. That reminds me,... Everybody blames Walmart for exporting the economy and the jobs to Asia. Actually, it was Sears that started that. Walmart just copied that, and did it with stores insted of catalogs, and a less outtrageous profit margin. Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"? Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!" An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said "You are in fine shape for your age....But tell me...Do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute .. I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She went out to the reception room and said: "Jake do we still have intercourse?" Jake answered impatiently........"If I told you once I told you a thousand times..." We have blue cross"!! 
It was a stormy Christmas night, and inside the tiny cottage on the Yorkshire moors, an elderly couple sat around a roaring fire. Suddenly there was a knock at the door. The old man answered it, and found a very bedraggled man, exhausted and shivering. "Thank God you're in," said the stranger. "I've been walking for hours. I'm lost, and the snow is so deep. Can I rest here for a while?" "Why certainly," replied the old man. "Come and sit by the fire." The stranger gratefully accepted the invitation. As he walked in to the lounge, he saw the old lady, and beside her an attractive 19-year-old blonde. "I'm Walter, by the way," said the old man. "This is my wife Mary and my daughter Ida who's come to stay for Christmas." After a glass of whiskey, the old man said, "Well, it's getting late, and I suggest we all retire. I'm afraid that all the beds are taken, but you're welcome to sleep on the sofa." The young man said, 'Thank you' and lay down. About an hour later, Walter was lying in bed, and turned to his wife, and said, "It's a very cold night. I'll see if that young man would like a blanket." So he went into the lounge, and asked, "Would you like a blanket, young man?" "Oh no, Walter I'm fine." "Well, what about a hot water bottle?" "No, no, there's really no need," he replied. "Alright, then, how about having our eiderdown?" "My God, you certainly know how to look after strangers," he gasped. "She's been down twice already." What is a blondes idea of safe sex? Lock the car doors. --- Yep. I always do! These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years. First guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?" The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy "I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more." The answer comes " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r ..a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he "was almost married". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d.. a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s a..s..s."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, December 25, 2009
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
Two daughters had been given parts in a Christmas pageant at their Church. At dinner that night, they got into an argument as to who had the most important role. Finally the 10 year old said to her younger sister, "Well you just ask Mom. She'll tell you it's much harder to be a virgin than it is to be an angel." A guy walked into his friend's office, he found him sitting at his desk, looking very depressed. "Hey, what's up with you?", he asks. "Oh, its my wife," replied the man sadly. "She's hired a new secretary for me." "Well, nothing wrong in that. Is she blonde or brunette?" "Neither. Her father is bald." 
Next time, Randy, use a carpet bag with a sturdy draw-string!
Why do all the "other" reindeer have brown noses? Because they can't stop as quickly as Rudolph! Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: "Peace on Earth", "Goodwill to Men" and "Batteries not included." Three rich guys were telling each other what kind of antique car they were going to give their girl friends for Christmas. One guy said, "I'm going to give my girl a Kaiser. and surprise her." The next one said, "I'm going to give my girl a Frazier, and amaze her." The third guy said, "I'm going to give mine a Tucker, ..."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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Enjoy!
Ophelia
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, December 24, 2009 Enjoy! Ophelia
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman. "Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked. "Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa." "You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested. "Sectional schmectional," she said shrugging. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!" My ex-father-in-law walked in the other day... and said, "Hey, if you keep doing that, it will make you go blind!" So I replied, "Hey Joe........ you are talking to the mop, I'm over here at the computer." 
No Gullible Warming in Russia either.
A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe." Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No", said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe; she fakes it with Ken" The department store Santa Claus was more than a trifle surprised when a beautiful young lady about twenty years old walked up and sat on his lap. But Santa quickly recovered, and started talking to the college-type lass. "And what do you want for Christmas?" asked Santa. "Something for my mother," said the young lady. "Well, that's what I call thoughtful," smiled Santa. "What can I bring for your mother?" After a moment's thought, the girl brightened, turned to Santa, and said, "I'd like for her to get a son-in-law." One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep South, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof. As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here." The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. I'll tell you something, buddy. At these bloody prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ---------------------------------------- ---------ooooO---------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /------------- ---------------------------------------- | |||
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