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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, June 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After some time in the wilderness he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time comes. The curtain goes up, the actor walks onto the stage, and with great passion delivers the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress." The theatre erupts. The audience is screaming with laughter, but the director is steaming! "You half-wit! You bloody fool!" he cries. "You have ruined me!" The actor is bewildered, "What happened, did I fluff my line?" "No!" screams the director. "You forgot the rose!" Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice-looking gentleman who keeps to himself. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely." "Of course I'm lonely," he says. "I've spent the past 20 years in prison." "You're kidding! What for?" "For killing my third wife. I strangled her." "What happened to your second wife?" "I shot her." "And, if I may ask, your first wife?" "We had a fight and she fell out of a building." "Oh, my," says Sophie. Turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley! He's single!" 
When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, "Does this mean that you've had enough of me?" "No, my dear," he coolly replied. "It means that I haven't had enough of you." An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said, "But you just got a new pair last month!" "Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident," stammered the private. "Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?" "No, no nothing of those..." said the private. "Well then, what is it?" "I'd rather not tell you sir..." "Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients now." "No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl," blurted the private. "Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?" "She was in a hurry and sat on my face, without checking for glasses..." Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: "I'm afraid that if I ever fall behind in my payments, she might try to repossess me."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, June 27, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A nice lady went to the kennel where they had Schnauzer pups for sale. When she had picked one out and was ready to take it home, the kennel owner cautioned her that Schnauzers grow lots of hair in the ears, so you have to keep the ears cleared out or they will become infected. Well, the lady forgot to keep an eye on her dog's ears, and the dog developed a serious ear problem. When she took her Schnauzer to the vet, he examined the dog, and declared, "This is the worse case of hair-in-the-ear that I have ever seen!" The vet wrote out a prescription for her to have filled at the drug store. Later, as the druggest was handing her the medicine, he advised her, "If this is for hair on the leg, you mix it 5 parts water to one part of solution. If this is for hair on the under arm, you mix it 10 parts water to one part solution." She replied, "But Sir, this is for my Schnauzer!" The vet replied, "Hmmm, in that case, mix it 20 to one, and don't ride a bicycle for a few days!" A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?" "Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile. "Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat." 
From S. Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. "Nonsense," I said. "Men are good for only one thing!" "Yes," my mother interjected, "but how often do you have to parallel park"? This is a sex test for retired people. The object is to see how fast can you guess the words. Hey, who said retired people don't think about sex!!! How fast can you guess these words? 1. B o o _ s 2. _ _ n d o m 3. F _ _ k 4. P _ n _ s 5. P u _ s _ Answers later. Don't cheat --------------------------------------- A guy with his girl in a Fiat Said, "Where on earth is my key at?" As he started to seek She let out a shriek "THAT'S not where it's likely to be at!" As the elevator car left our floor, Big Sue caught her boobs in the door; She yelled a good deal, But had they been real, She'd have yelled a lot more. --------------------------------------- Answers: 1. Books 2. Random 3. Fork 4. Pants 5. Pulse You got all 5 wrong DIDN'T YOU???
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, June 26, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine. He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world. "Port, however, it makes me fart during sex." A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a civil engineer were arguing over what type of engineer god was. The mechanical engineer pointed to the body's intricate skeletal/muscular system and proudly stated that god must have been a mechanical engineer. The electrical engineer said that was okay, but he felt that the brain and nervous system were of such incredible design and complexity that god had to be an electrical engineer. The mechanical engineer and the electrical engineer both looked at the civil engineer, who was smiling at their discussion. "I suppose you think god was a civil engineer," they said. "Of course," replied the civil engineer. "Who else would run a sewer system through a prime recreational area?" 
Just act natural
A couple was touring the capitol in Washington, DC, and the guide pointed out a tall, benevolent gentleman as the congressional chaplain. The lady asked, "What does the chaplain do? Does he pray for the Senate or House?" The guide answered, "No, he gets up, looks at both houses, then prays for the country!" The Italian composer, Rossini, went to see his doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Your trouble stems from wine, women and song." Rossini suggested, "Well, I can get along without the songs, since I compose my own." The doctor said, "Well, which of the other two are you prepared to give up?" Rossini relied, "That depends entirely on the vintage." A farmer took the camper off his truck before going to town. As he was going down the road three campaigning politicians were standing beside the road hitchhiking. The farmer picked them up, one politician got in the front and the other two politicians got in the back. As they were going over the hill the brakes went out on the truck. The farmer couldn't stop the truck and they went into the pond at the bottom. The farmer and the politician that were up front come up out of the water a minute later. They kept waiting for the two in the back to come up. The farmer said, "I wonder where they are?" The politician said, "Maybe they drowned." About five minutes later they come up gasping for breath. The farmer asked, "What the Hell took you so long?" The two politicians said, "We had a devil of a time getting that tailgate open!" These people didn't have that problem. They found out the hard way why vehicles need shocks in good working order. Roll-Over
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, June 25, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The homeowner got into his old work clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores his wife had been urging him to do all week. He cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and called out her window, "Say, what do you get for yard work?" The fellow thought for a moment, then answered, "The lady, who lives here, lets me sleep with her." Mum sends Dave off to the market to buy a few things and Marge, the new maid, tags along as usual. After investing in a couple of buckets, a straw broom, a couple of live chickens and a poddy calf, Dave is struggling home, with the calf balking and the chickens flapping and the buckets clanking - all in different directions. As they pass through a bit of bush Marge says, "Aw gee, Dave, I'm scared!" Dave yanks the calf and recovers a chicken and says, "Yeah ? What are you scared of, Marge?" "Aw gee, you might take advantage of me in this lonely bush!" she says "Come off it, Marge," says Dave, grabbing the bucket. "Look how busy I am with this lot!" Quick as a flash, Marge says, "But couldn't you put the chickens down on the ground with the buckets on top of them, and push the broom into the ground and tie the calf to it?" 
When that flash goes off, she is going to have a very
enlightening experience!
The fireman rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs. As they arrived safely outside the building, she looked at him with great admiration and said, "Oh, you are wonderful. It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did." "Yes it did," the fireman admitted. "I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you." Only those who have used a 2-holer outhouse can fully appreciate this OUTHOUSE POEM The service station trade was slow The owner sat around, With sharpened knife and cedar stick Piled shavings on the ground. No modern facilities had they, The log across the rill Led to a shack, marked His and Hers That sat against the hill. "Where is the ladies restroom, sir?" The owner leaning back, Said not a word but whittled on, And nodded toward the shack. With quickened step she entered there But only stayed a minute, Until she screamed, just like a snake Or spider might be in it. With startled look and beet red face She bounded through the door, And headed quickly for the car Just like three gals before. She missed the foot log - jumped the stream The owner gave a shout, As her silk stockings, down at her knees Caught on a sassafras sprout. She tripped and fell - got up, and then In obvious disgust, Ran to the car, stepped on the gas, And faded in the dust. Of course we all desired to know What made the gals all do The things they did, and then we found The whittling owner knew. A speaking system he'd devised To make the thing complete, He tied a speaker on the wall Beneath the toilet seat. He'd wait until the gals got set And then the devilish tike, Would stop his whittling long enough, To speak into the mike. And as she sat, a voice below Struck terror, fright and fear, "Will you please use the other hole, We're painting under here!" An elderly couple, Elmer and Betsy, lived apart but were dating for several years. One day, Elmer said to Betsy, "We should stop this nonsense. We are paying two rents, two car insurance payments, buying separate food and cooking separate meals. We should just move in together." "Whose house would we live in?" Betsy asked. "Mine, it is already paid for," answered Elmer "Whose car would we keep and pay insurance on?" she asked. "Yours, it is newer and runs better than mine," he answered. "Who would do the cooking?" she asked. "You cook and I'll do the dishes," he answered. "What about sex?" she asked. "Infrequently," he answered. "Is that one word or two?" she asked.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, June 24, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
The old professor got a job on the railways as a steward one summer, and the first day he accompanied another steward to learn the ropes. "It's very simple," said his tutor, "just use diplomacy." "What's diplomacy?" asked the old professor, as that was something he'd never needed while teaching. "Watch me, I'll show you," said the steward-in-charge. Off they went down the train corridor, rattling compartment doors, opening them with special keys and offering tea or coffee. When the tutor steward flung open one door, he was confronted with a buck-naked woman. Without batting an eyelid he asked, "Tea or coffee, sir?" The surprised woman took the cup of tea and he shut the door. "Wow, did you see that cutie?" said the old professor excitedly. "She had no clothes on! But hey, why did you call her 'sir'?" "That's diplomacy! I did not want to embarrass her," said his tutor. The old professor was most impressed with his teacher. The next day, on his own now, he flung open a door to a compartment and found a couple making love on the seats. "Tea or coffee, sir?" "Tea," the man replied. "And for your brother?" The yuppie business woman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.Noticing that her favorite suit had been badly wrinkled during the flight, she phoned the front desk and asked to have the hotel's valet service pick up the suit for pressing. Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door and there stood an elderly Chinaman ,waiting. Impressed by the speedy service, the career woman exclaimed,"My, you come lickety-split!" "No ma'am," replied the old Chinaman,"I come get laundry." 
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises. "How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers. "It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied. "I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?" "No sir, our mother." "Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!" "I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could." A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?", she blurts, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What colour are you going to wear tonight?” she asks cheekily. "Gold of course", says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don"t you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!” A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck." Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry." She said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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