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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Friday, May 28, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man was telling a friend about a nudist party he'd been invited to. "I rang the bell and the nudist butler opened the door." he stated. His friend interrupted, "How did you know it was the butler?" "Well", he answered smoothly, "I could tell right away that he wasn't the maid." Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding at the wedding dinner, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE!!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!" 
Had a blizzard today for most of the afternoon and evening.
No Glow-Bull warming here!
------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------
Buckwheat and Darla are in school. The teacher asks Darla, "How do you spell "dumb"? Darla says, "D-u-m-b, dumb." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says, "Buckwheat is dumb." The teacher says, "Now, spell "stupid". Darla says, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Darla says "Buckwheat is stupid." Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate." Buckwheat stands and says,"D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate." The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence." Buckwheat says, "I may be dumb, and I may be tupid, but Darla says my dictate good. The Army uses different language than the rest of us. I guess it's so things don't sound so scary. For example, instead of calling it an "armoured car", they call it an "armoured personnel carrier". Instead of "land mine" it is called an "antipersonnel device". And they don't have "earthquakes" in the army; they are referred to as "personnel vibrators".
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Thursday, May 27, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
When I lived in an apartment complex, a good friend of mine lived there also and decided it was time for her to get a boob job. She asked me to go with her. Everything went well, and that summer we were both at the pool getting some sun. One of the regular guys in our group, who'd had his eye on my girlfriend for some time, said to me, "There's something different about your friend this year, but I can't quite put my finger on it." After I finished laughing, I said, "And you probably never will either!" One evening a husband comes home to his apartment very roughed up. When his wife sees him she asks, "What happened to you?" "I got into a fight with the apartment manager." "Whatever for?" "He said he had slept with every woman in the complex except one!" The woman replied, "Hmmm, I bet it's that snooty Mrs. Gellar on the third floor." 
------------Click to stock up on Legit Movies!------------
A cop comes around a curve in the road and sees a bad accident. He sees that a man and a woman are dead due to a car crash. The accident seems to have no explanation, but he looks up on the hill and sees a monkey waving his arms at him as if to say something. The cop yells, "Hey monkey, do you know what happened?" Monkey: Motioning with his arms drinking a bottle of some kind Cop: They were drinking? Monkey: (Nods head vigorously) Cop: What else? Monkey: (Mimes smoking a joint) Cop: They were smoking dope? Monkey: (Nods head vigorously) Cop: There must have been more. This is a very strange accident. Monkey! What else? Monkey: (Mimics sexual relations) Cop: They were screwing? Monkey: (Nods very vigorously) Cop: This still doesn't make any sense. Hey monkey! What were you doing to know all this? Monkey: (Makes motion as if he were driving and looking behind him). An Army sergeant and a Navy chief are side by side at the urinals. The sergeant finishes first and goes to the sink to wash up. Then the chief finishes, and starts heading straight for the door. The sergeant calls to him , and says "Hey Chief, in the army they taught us to wash our hands after taking a p*ss." The chief just chuckles to himself and says "Well that's real good Sarge, but in the navy, they taught is not to p*ss on our hands!" Mary: "Did you hear that Janet's husband died?" Donna: "Nooo! What happened?" Mary: "He had a heart attack while they were screwing. He went straight from "Oh, God!" to "Hi, God!"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, May 26, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
While making her rounds, the Head Nurse noticed a young female patient missing. Pressing the intercom, she said "Lori, where's the patient in 340?" "Oh!" came the reply. "Well... she was complaining of severe chills, so I put her in bed with Mr. Johnson in 328 who was running that high fever." Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think Southern Women are the prettiest," one of them said. "I think Southern women are the toughest," said another. The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they don't like group sex." His friends looked at him, confused. "They don't like group sex?" "Nope, too many thank-you notes." 
The boss at the pub went up to the bartender and asked, "Have you been fooling around with the waitress?!" "Oh no, sir, I sure haven't," replied the bartender. The boss replied, "Good, in that case then, YOU fire her!" If you enjoy watching movies now and then, here is a neat link that DearWebby gave me: Legit Movies They are not pirated movies from infected file sharing clubs, but legitimate downloads directly from the distributor. Naturally, legitimate movies are not free, but you can get 25 titles of your choice for under $30 or 50 for $34.95. If somebody blows a fuse and the download is interrupted, it's no problem. You can download again and again, since you boy the rights to the title, not a number of downloads. Or you can get two years of rights to download an unlimited amount of titles for under $40. No shipping costs, no hassles, and it's not a recurring fee. You simply buy it, and that's it. Sure, you can buy another two years, if you want to, but you are not locked in. Chances are that in two years you download enough movies to last you for the rest of your life anyway. Best of all, it is NOT from dubious file sharing sites, and you don't need special programs or relax your security. So, Go for it! Legit Movies From Tania I had run across the term cyber sex a few times lately, so I decided to try to figure out what it meant. I figured it had something to do with the computer, so I started trying to find the sex drive on mine. I looked everywhere, in all the folders on the My Computer section, the add/uninstall software, install hardware part of the control panel then I got out all the manuals and went through them. I finally came to the conclusion that my computer is not equipped with one. So I decided to go to the computer store and see if I could buy one. I wanted to look intelligent and scholarly, so I wore my math hat. Well, the salesperson in the first store was a rather stern looking woman. I gave her the make and model of my computer and asked her if she had any sex drives in stock. She kinda scowled at me and asked me if I was trying to get smart with her, figuring she had been impressed with my math hat, I replied that I tried to be smart with everyone. She said, rather rudely I thought, that she couldn't help me and walked away. HUH, must not have had any in stock. In the second store, I gave the salesperson the make and model of my computer and asked if they had any sex drives in stock. He kind of snickered and asked if I meant a hard drive. I thought about it for a minute and told him yeah, maybe that, but I think I should already have one installed. He started laughing at me said something about me trying to kill him. "You're killing me!" Something like that and walked away. Hmmmm, must be out here too. Must be hard to keep in stock I wasn't trying to kill him I wasn't even hurting him. The guy in the third store laughed and asked me if I'd just fallen off the turnip truck. I assured him I'd never been on a turnip truck, but I'd fallen off the manure wagon a few times. He mumbled something about that explaining it. "She's fallen off the wagon, that explains it," like that and walked away laughing. The guy in the fourth store said something like, "boob" under his breath and walked away. Wonder why he only noticed one? Anyway I figured they must not carry them in stores maybe have to order from a catalog or something. So that's where I am now. If any of you have some computer skills and could help me locate my sex drive, I would appreciate it then all I'd have to do is figure out what to do with it.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, May 25, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and my' gator will have a lawyer." A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands. Next, the woman points up; the driver points down. Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch. Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus. A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about. The driver explained, 'The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark...' The passenger interjected, 'Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?' The driver continued, 'She replied, 'Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus! 
A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it's being born." The doctor is understandably a little puzzled. "Why don't you know what color the child is going to be?" he asked. "Well," says the woman, "The problem is that I'm a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." "OK," says the doctor, "I'll do it for you but your request is pretty unusual." As the baby is being born, the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?" "Yes, doctor, there was a Chinese actor," says the woman. "Wait," says the doctor, "The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?" "Yes, doctor, there was a black actor," says the woman. "Wait, now the legs are out and they're brown. Was one of the actors Hispanic?" "Yes, doctor, there was a Hispanic actor," says the woman. The doctor pulls the baby free and gives it a traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh," and starts crying. "Oh, thank God for that!" says the woman. "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!" When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow," I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was. A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark and crept into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drugstore on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drugstore. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise. "Say," said the druggist, "I know you -- Aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?" "Yeah, so?" said the officer. "Well, what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the fire chief?"
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, May 23, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A man was driving down a quiet country lane when a rooster strayed ran out onto the road. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Better get busy." the farmer replied, "There are 100 hens waiting at the back of the barn." One day, a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. "How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks. Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why, God sent you, honey." "And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues. "Yes, sweetheart, he did." "And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads, too?" "Yes, honey, all of them, too." The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!" 
A priest gets a flat tire fixed. As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to the mechanic, "Are the lug nuts tight?" The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's business." The priest says, "You better give them another turn." George Burns was on the Oprah Winfrey Show and bragged that despite his 97 years, he could still have sex three times a night. After the show, Oprah said, "George, if I'm not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place." So they went back to her place and had great sex. Afterwards, George said, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for a half hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand." She agreed. He slept for a half hour, awoke, and they had even better sex. George said, "Oprah, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my testicles in your left hand, and my penis in your right hand." Oprah said, "Great, George, but tell me, does my holding your organs stimulate you while you're sleeping?" George replied, "No, but it stops the wallet walking out of my jacket over there." A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred. Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from sleeping, went to the toilet for the morning's relief and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she went to sit down, she kept going. She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed in the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her. She cried for her husband, who rushed in and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process, they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs. Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber despite the embarrassing nature of their problem. When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way. Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yarmulke, over his wife's exposed privates. The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented, "Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbi is a goner."
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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