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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Wednesday, April 28, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
*Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. After working for many long, hard years, a hooker decides to finally retire. Fearful of spending the rest of her life alone, she also decides to marry. Having been with so many perverted men over the years, she feels that she needs a change and commits to marrying only a virgin male of approximately the same age as herself. She takes out numerous ads in various newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin approximately 55 years old. She finally narrows her choices down to one Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she is convinced that he indeed has never been with a woman, and they are soon married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she returns, she finds that her new husband has taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner. Thinking this rather kinky, she asks her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman before?" He replies, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!" 
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid. The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself." The rich bitch just swallowed and said nothing. "And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!" "And I suppose my husband told you that, too?" "No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the mail man did! While travelling, Brett and I saved some money by staying in a cheap hotel. Just as we were falling asleep, we heard the sounds of mattress springs and a banging headboard from the next room. At first we were amused by the amorous couple. After five minutes it had lost its charm. After ten minutes we were a little annoyed. After fifteen minutes, we were ticked off, as it was keeping us awake. After half an hour we were incensed! After an hour we were pretty damned impressed. Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains. --- Sir Winston Churchill
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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NO Sermon here, and not suitable for church, just jokes and fun for adults. Large Font Version Good Morning It's Tuesday, April 27, 2010 Enjoy!
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Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
From Wendy: One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed & margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!" He seemed fine so I thought I'd gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, said 'oh shit', cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed 3 times again, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table & farted." A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer's sons, the boy replied, "Wagon Wheel." The teacher said, "I need your REAL name, son," to which he boy replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really." The teacher, in a huff, said, "All right young man, march yourself right down to the principal's office THIS minute !!!!" The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister, and said, "C'mon, 'Chicken Crap,' he ain't gonna believe you, either." 
This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, they are the same price." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one also, they are the same price." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that chrome one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $150." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the chrome one, I've never had a chrome one before...." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" The salesman responded, "I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!" was snoozing away contentedly when he was startled awake by the doorbell. He staggered off the couch to make his way to the door. There stood a gorgeous young woman. "Oh my goodness," the pretty young thing exclaimed, "I'm at the wrong house." "Young lady, you may be at the right house," Ken assured her. "But you're forty years too late." If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice." --- Laurence J. Peter
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Monday, April 26, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, "What do you do with all of those?" The guy replies, "I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!" One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." 
A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel. She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal. HER STORY He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it. The conversation was quite slow going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate, where we could talk privately. We went to this restaurant, and he was still acting a bit funny. I was trying to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him and he said no. I wasn't convinced. In the cab back to his house, I said that I loved him, and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell this meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place, and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! I tried to ask him about it, but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said that I was going to sleep. After about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex. He still seemed really distracted, so afterward, I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else? HIS STORY Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid, though. A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. --- Frank Lloyd Wright
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Sunday, April 25, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A swimming instructor at a Los Angeles university was quizzing a group of students on Red Cross life saving and water safety techniques. They answered all of her questions easily until she posed this one: "Which article of clothing would you remove last if you fell from a boat or dock fully clothed?" Everyone mentioned something different. It was evident that no one knew the correct answer, so the instructor helped out. "The blouse," she said, "because the air gets under the blouse and acts like a buoy!" The subsequent uproar ended the class. Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?" "I suppose so," she replied. "Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" "Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice." "Would you make love to him?" "Honey," the woman said patiently, "he would be my husband." "Would you give him my car?" "No," she yawned, "He can't drive a stick shift." 
The handsome construction worker considered himself quite the stud, and indeed had no trouble persuading a good-looking recent acquaintance to come to his apartment. After sex, he rolled over and lit a cigarette. His self-satisfied smile vanished, however, when the woman hopped out of bed and snapped, "You may look like Mel Gibson, but you're lousy in the sack." The indignant fellow snapped, "I don't see what makes you such an expert after only forty-five seconds !" Linda stood before the judge in divorce court. Judge: "You have asked for a divorce decree from this court. Madam, is that correct?" Linda: "Yep, sure is." Judge: "And the grounds for your request is that your husband is too careless about his appearance. Is that also correct?" Linda: "That's right, Judge. He ain't appeared at home in nigh on five years now." The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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Large Font Version Good Morning It's Saturday, April 24, 2010 Enjoy!
Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia
My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog
A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck." "I see your eyes are working," replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the bartender. "I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?" "Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road," explains them duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck. "Marvelous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me." So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus" says the bartender. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right," replies the bartender. "The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck. "That's right!" says the bartender. The duck looks confused and asks: "What the hell do they want with a plasterer?" A Fundamentalist Minister in Alabama, sorely tempted, finally propositioned the sexy Choir director one night after practice, when they were alone in the Church. "Where Reverend ?" she enthusiastically replied. "Right here on the floor." he panted. "It'd be too cold." she whispered. "How about standing up?" "Good Lord girl. Have you taken leave of you senses?" he shouted. "If anyone came in, they'd think we were dancing. 
A superintendent of a large, apartment building got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the umpteenth time to fix a rather snooty tenant's clogged toilet. Going to her apartment, where the female tenant happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other tenants in the building, the super had to endure her telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete, incompetent idiot. Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything but merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she complaining, that no one noticed when the super reached quickly into his tool bag. A minute later he held something up triumphantly and told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was clogging your toilet." All the guests broke into shocked laughter and the woman turned a bright red. The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a red condom wrapped around it. The woman never complained again. Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says, "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at each other, but nod OK. The first priest says, "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me, it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again nervously, but the next priest slowly starts, "Well....with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I snitch the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third, who is really nervous now, reluctantly says, "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week with her, fucking her every which way. I REALLY get it out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up saying, "Come now, brother, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others, obviously not sure whether he should say anything, and then suddenly blurts out, "Well ... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I just can't wait to get off this train!" "The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music."!
Enough for today! See ya tomorrow! Ophelia ophelia@dingbatter.com ----------------------------------------- ---------ooooO----------------------- ---------( )-------Ooooo-------. ----------\ (---------( )-------- -----------\ \---------) /---------- ----------- \ _)--------/ /------------ -----------------------(_ /-------------- ----------------------------------------- | |||
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