Good Morning 
It's Sunday,  July 26, 2009

Went for a nice drive on the back roads south of town. Top down,
hair in the wind, my favorite way of sun tanning. There was 
surprisingly little traffic for a Saturday afternoon. I was back 
earlier than I had figured, might have been going a bit faster
than I should have. But it sure was fun!
Enjoy
Ophelia


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Ophelia

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A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox.
The little boy has to go to take a pee and he
was told by his mother to always be polite and
don't talk about private matters in public. At first
he holds it in for a little while because he does
not know what to say to the little girl to excuse
himself.
Then he remembers what his Mom had said at
the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.
So, he turns to the little girl and says,
"Will you excuse me. I have to go powder my
nose."
And saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox
and runs to the washroom.

When he comes back the little girl looks up at
him and asks,
"Did you powder your nose?"
"Yes," said the little boy stepping back into the
sandbox.
"Well, then," says the little girl, "you'd better
close your purse because your lipstick is
hanging out."






Did you hear about the constipated
Mexican Ghost?

He was full of sheet.



"First," said the playboy, "I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get
you a bit loose."

"Oh, no you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."

"Oh, no you're not."

"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."

"Oh, no you're not."

"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."

"Oh, no you're not."

"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.

"Oh, yes you are!" said the girl.


"In my case," said the student to the sex researcher, "when
I get it part way in, my vision blurs. And when it's all the
way in, I can't see a thing."

"Now, that's a most interesting optical reaction, that may
well have anatomical as well as physiological basis." the
researcher replied. "If you don't mind young man, I should
like to have a look at it."

So, the student volunteer shrugged and stuck out his tongue.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
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Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Saturday,  July 25, 2009
Just had rhubarb and silver dollar pancakes. Yummy!
I add half a handful of raisins and 2-3 cut up dried apricots
to the rhubarb, and cut the sugar in half. That produces a very
interesting but smooth flavor, just a tiny bit tart. 

Well, rhubarb is safe for one more week. In August it gets bitter,
so, what you don't use by the end of July, you better cut it up and 
freeze it for winter. Considering the late summer and cooler than
normal spring, we migh get an extra week of fresh rhubarb, but
don't leave it too long!

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


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Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where
the driver and passenger were unconscious and
being attended to by an ambulance crew.
As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey
came out of the brush and hopped around the
crashed car.
The officer looked down at the monkey and said,
"I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded
his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the
officer.
Again, the monkey nodded his head up and down.
"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand
and turned it up by his mouth.
"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers
together and held them to his mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."
"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded
officer.
The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were
drinking, smoking and kissing before they
wrecked."
The monkey nods his head "Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
......."Driving" motioned the monkey.





One second before the world record high jump



The newly wed seniors were having sexual
problems. The counselor thought it might be
due to the fact that the woman was taller. He
suggested special shoes with build-up heels to
help the man's ego.

The next month, he asked if things had
improved in their love life with the shoes.
"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but there
must be a better way. Those shoes get the
sheets so dirty."


 A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About
two hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks,
"How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop
full
of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A week
later,
the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About
an
hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in
the
shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a
little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The
barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looked up
and said, "To your house."


A Scotsman and a young girl are waiting for a bus.  The girl
sez, "What do you Scots wear under your kilts?"

The Scot sez, "Why doon't you put your hand up it and find out?"

She sticks her hand up his kilt and immediately withdraws,
shocked.  "It's GRUESOME!!", she exclaims.

The Scot replies, "Aye, and it'll grew some more if you put 
your hand back up there!!"


 There was a young barmaid from Yale,
On whose bust was written the prices of ale;
 And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was exactly the same, but in braille.



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter


http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Fridday,  July 24, 2009
Another week almost shot.
Why do beautiful summer days go by so fast?

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
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An Irishman and an American were sitting in the bar at Shannon Airport.
“I’ve come to meet my brother,” said the Irishman. “He’s due to fly in 
from America in an hour’s time. It’s his first trip home in forty years”.

“Will you be able to recognize him?” asked the American.

“I’m sure I won’t,” said the Irishman, “after all, he’s been away for a 
long time”.

“I wonder if he’ll recognize you?” said the American.

“Of course he will,” said the Irishman. 
“After all, I haven’t been away at all”. 






Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, 
picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me.  They're for him.  
He's my brother.  He's four. 
We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and 
ride a bike.  Right now, he can't do either."



Little Johnny tried out for the school play. The teacher gave him
these lines to practice:
"Hark! A pistol shot! There lies a lady with hope in her soul. I think
I'll snatch a kiss and run into the forest. By William Shakespeare."

Little Johnny practiced and practiced and did the lines perfectly
every time. The night of the play it was his turn to speak. This is what he
said:
"Hark! A pigeon shit! There lies a lady with soap in her hole. I think
I'll kiss her snatch and run into the forest. By William
Snakeshit...Horseshit...Oh, shit! I didn't want to be in this damn
play anyway!"


A guy walks into a pants store and says to the salesman "do you have
any wooden pants?"

The salesman responds to the guy "Yes, I think we have one pair."

The guy tries on the wooden pants and says " I feel like I'm going to
get a splinter when I sit down. Do you have any metal pants?". 

The salesman responds "Yes, I think we have one pair." 

The guy tries them on and says "They feel to heavy. Do you have 
any glass pants." 

So the guy tries on the glass pants looks in the mirror and says to the
salesman: "I like these, what do you think?" 

The salesman replies "when you walked in here I thought you were 
crazy, but now I can see your nuts!


A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one wall 
a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a 
dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars. Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to 
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much 
more inviting these days."

The priest replies "You're on my side. GET OUT!!!" 



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Thursday,  July 23, 2009



Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

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Father Murphy was out for his evening stroll when he saw a very
attractive girl walking toward him. She was wearing a see-through
blouse
without any bra and had on a very tight skirt. The young lady was a
member of his congregation so he took it upon himself to admonish her
for wearing such eye-catching clothing. He stopped her and said, "I'll
bet if you died and stood before St. Finger right now, you'd find him
shaking his peter at you."





Just wait until the Sheriff sees my new garage door cover!



An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no
money, but the robber insisted that it must be in her bra and 
started feeling around.
"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you
keep doing that, I'll write you a check."


Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"

"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.

"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns
out SHE HASN'T GOT ONE!" exclaimed Little Johnny.


One evening, a wife drew her husband's attention to the couple 
next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? 
He kisses and gropes her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her that well."

He will probably walk again, eventually.


The newlyweds decided to spend their honeymoon at a ski lodge,
but failed to appear at all on the slopes for the first two days.
They did manage to put in an appearance on the third day, and
both acted as if they'd been skiing regularly.

Over drinks that evening, someone asked the groom how he liked skiing.

Without a pause, he blurted, "In my opinion, anyone who
doesn't love screwing is a real skiball."



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor





Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD

Good Morning 
It's Wednesday,  July 22, 2009

It's finally getting warm enough to make sun tea!
For those of you who don't know how to make it, here is how.
Rinse out an empty gallon pickle jar with hot water until the glass
feels almost too hot to touch. Fill it with hot water, add 4 - 5 te bags
and a pinch of salt, put the lid on it loosely, and set it into the sun. 

After an hour fish out the tea bags, so that it doesn't get bitter. 
By then it has reached the right darkness, so that it will absorb 
even more sunlight and get hotter yet.  When it is about as dark
as you like it, put it into the shade and let it cool off.

When it is cold, put it into your ice tea jug and pour the left-over into
ice cube trays.

Enjoy
Ophelia


Please vote for me at the  EzineFinder


Thanks for voting for me!
Ophelia

My blog is at: http://dingbatter.com/blog

	
Subscribe at http://www.dingbatter.com/sub.html
	

Feel free to adjust the font size by holding down the CTRL key and scrolling the mouse wheel. 

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee
pains.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor
questions her, "There must be something you're doing that
you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be
doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have
sex doggy-style on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of
other positions and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if I'm going to watch TV. there ain't," she replied.




My can opener operator is a bit weird.


What do you have when you have two little balls
in your hand?
A man's undivided attention.



Little Johnny said to Suzi, "We're going to have
a GREAT time Saturday.  I've gotten three tickets
for the big game."

"Why do we need three?" asked Suzi.

Little Johnny gave her an evil grin and said,
"They're for your Father, Mother and kid sister!"


A young lady who thought she was overweight went to see a 
dietician. She walked into his office and asked several 
questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. 
Her final question to the dietician sparked interest in
him. She asked,"How many calories are in sperm?"

"Why?" he replied. She explained some of the things 
she liked to do.

After thinking a minute he said,"I really have no clue, 
but if you are consuming enough of it to make any difference,
then no guy is going to care if you are a little chunky!"


There are three kinds of men.
~~
1.Those who learn by reading.
~~
2.Those who learn by observation.
~~
3.The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves



For clean, family safe humor and tech tips, 
try the newsletter
of my friend and coach, Dear Webby

Dear Webby's Humor Letter

http://webby.com/humor




Enough for today!
See ya tomorrow!
Ophelia
ophelia@dingbatter.com
Twitter: @OpheliaD